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Not all friendships will last forever. In fact, friendships may end for a variety of reasons. Despite the rationale for severing ties, losing a friend can be a painful process. Fortunately, there are several ways to move forward with your life after you’ve lost someone who once meant a lot to you.
Steps
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Do not play the blame game. Assigning blame is unhealthy and breeds anger. While both you and your former friend may have been at fault for the dissolution of your friendship, you are not in control of the each other’s thoughts, feelings, choices, or actions. [1] X Research source Understanding that both you and your friend have roles to play in the ending of your friendship is important and will help you to consider the potential reasons for the end of your friendship from both your point of view and from the point of view of your former friend.
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Work through your negative emotions. Be aware that you may feel anger, guilt, sadness, or grief over the loss of your friendship. This is completely normal. It is important to process and work through these feelings on your own or with the help of a licensed mental health professional. You might work through your emotions by:
- Writing about your feelings
- Talking about your feelings
- Making art about your feelings
- Channeling your feelings into something else
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Allow yourself to go through your emotional process. You may feel a range of emotions when faced with a loss. It is important to allow yourself to process these feelings and understanding where these emotions come from. [2] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.- Think about whether there's anything in your past that this might be bringing up for you that could be impacting how you feel. [3]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- Think about whether there's anything in your past that this might be bringing up for you that could be impacting how you feel. [3]
X
Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
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Ask yourself why you feel the way you do over the loss of your friendship. Do you miss the person? Do you miss the support that your former friend had given to you? Do you miss the activities that you used to do as friends? Understanding why you feel the way you do is the first step in coming to terms with your emotions.
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Let yourself feel as deeply as you need to. Do not try to block out the negative or painful emotions that accompany the dissolution of your friendship. Temporarily sitting with the pain or negativity will eventually allow you to move beyond those feelings and heal. [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- However, avoid dwelling on these feelings for an extended period of time. While you should acknowledge and confront your emotions, feeling down on yourself and mulling over these emotions for months on end will only drag you down.
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Understand that healing takes time. In order to heal from this loss and move forward, you must be patient. Rushing through your natural process is unhealthy and will not resolve your negative feelings properly.
- Recognize that you may have trouble letting your guard down around new people, initially. This is fine.
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Acknowledge that people change and grow. You are not the same person that you were when you met your friend, nor are they the same person they were when they met you. Over time, everyone’s interests change and those changes can cause distance and disagreements between friends. Understanding that this is a normal fact of life might help you better accept the end of your friendship. [5] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.- Think about who you were when you met your former friend.
- Think about who your former friend was when you met.
- Think about the reasons you became friends with this person.
- Think about who you are now. How have you changed during the time you were friends?
- Think about who your former friend is now. How has s/he changed?
- Write down the significant changes you and your friend experienced in a list form from the time you met until your friendship ended.
- Read over your lists and understand that change, while at times imperceptible without scrutiny, is inevitable. You and your former friend have both changed and it is possible that you are no longer compatible as friends as a result. Understanding and accepting this fact without placing blame will help you move on.
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Accept that your friendship has ended. While acceptance can be difficult, it is an important step in moving forward with your life. Moreover, accepting the situation means that you have made peace with it and are no longer tormenting yourself with what-ifs, details of the dissolution that cannot be changed, or negative emotions. [6] X Research source
- View your friendship as a learning experience for future friendships. Note what worked, what didn’t, and how you want to select friends and form relationships moving forward.
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Focus on the things over which you have control. [7] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source If you focus on the actions of others, you’ll dwell on what-ifs and moments that cannot be changed. Instead, try to spend your time and energy on your personal actions. Moreover, focusing on your choices and actions will help you to live in the present, rather than focusing on the past. Examples of personal actions and choices you can focus upon include:
- Acknowledging and working through your emotions
- Acting with kindness and generosity toward others, including your former friend
- Deciding to spend time with your other friends and family members
- Working to move forward with your life
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Cut off all contact with your friend. [8] X Research source This will allow you to gain distance from the person, which will enable you to refocus time and energy that you previously would have given to your friend. Better still, when you stop interacting with your friend, you are less likely to think about them as well. Finally, in ceasing all contact with your former friend, you are ensuring that no negative interactions between the two of you come to fruition. You might consider cutting off contact with your former friend by:
- Blocking their phone number
- Ignoring and/or deleting emails
- Not returning text messages
- Unfriending or blocking them on social media
- Avoiding them in face-to-face situations
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Engage in an activity to distract yourself from your loss. You might decide to go shopping, to go see a movie, or to go for a walk if you are looking for a short-term distraction. If you think you’ll need a longer activity, you might consider taking up a hobby or donating your time to help others. Regardless of what you decide to do, it is important to fill your time in some way in order to positively channel your energy and emotions. Activities you might enjoy include, but are not limited to:
- Dancing
- Making music
- Reading
- Exercising
- Playing a sport
- Undertaking an art project
- Volunteering your time at a charity organization
- Mentoring someone else.
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Learn how to be your own friend. Being your own friend means learning about yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. Practice self-compassion by speaking kindly to yourself and finding solo activities that make you feel confident and empowered.
- For example, you might enjoy writing or hiking by yourself.
- Set some personal goals and make a plan for achieving them . Make sure these goals are something personally meaningful, not a way of getting attention from your former friend or making them jealous.
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Spend time caring for yourself. You need time to process the dissolution of your friendship. While you are processing your loss, you need to make sure that you are caring for yourself. Make sure that you are eating properly, getting enough rest, working through your emotions in a healthy manner, and not isolating yourself. [9] X Research source Remember that sometimes you need to put yourself first. You can improve your well-being by:
- Seeking out the company of friends and family when you are lonely
- Eating healthy foods in appropriate quantities
- Getting adequate exercise
- Spending time alone in order to recharge and relax
- Sleeping regularly at night
- Investing your time in activities you enjoy
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Confide in a trustworthy friend or family member. Keeping your feelings bottled up will hurt you in the long run. This doesn’t mean that you should reestablish communication with your former friend, but certainly you should talk about your feelings with someone you know, love, and trust. Your friend or family member can offer you support and love through the act of listening. [10] X Research source While they are not a replacement for your former friend, your friend or family member can diminish the impact of your loss.
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Make new friends. Be open to finding new friendships that fit where you are in your life right now, instead of just trying to hang onto the past. [11] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020. Know what traits you are looking for in a friend as you are getting to know new acquaintances. You might even look for positive qualities in your former best friend in the people you are befriending. [12] X Research source Here are some ways to make new friends:- Strike up a conversation with a stranger in line at the grocery store
- Talk to the barista at your local coffee shop about his or her interests
- Go to an art or music show and talk to people there
- Meet people online through social networking sites
- Open the lines of communication between the yourself and another person
- Participate in mutual self-disclosing behaviors with others
- Invite new acquaintances to hang out with you
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Talk to a mental health professional if the loss feels too immense for you to process alone. [13] X Research source Mental health professionals are impartial listeners and it is their job to avoid making judgments. If you need to vent to someone, or if you feel that the loss of your friend has created a severe imbalance of emotions for you, please do not hesitate to seek help. You do not have to go through this loss alone.
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Adopt a pet. While an animal cannot replace your former friend, you can form a new and important bond of companionship and love with an animal, which might help you reconcile the loss you have experienced. Studies have shown that owning a pet also leads to lower stress levels, better psychological health, and emotional support. [14] X Trustworthy Source US National Park Service Agency responsible for the maintenance and promotion of national parks and monuments Go to source All of these emotional and health benefits would certainly be a pro for someone who is dealing with the loss of a close friendship.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do I do if an old friend is out to ruin my life?Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.Stand up for yourself and confront this person. If you need extra support, enlist a family member or friend to help you. Remember that although you may not be able to control your former friend's actions, you can control your own reaction. It might seem difficult, but do your best not to let the old friend get under your skin.
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QuestionWhat should I do if my friend has been lying about unimportant things to seem cool?Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.If it's really bothering you, confront them. Ask them why they feel they have to lie to you. Do your best to listen as they explain themselves, and don't make any judgments until you have heard the full story. If they don't listen and continue lying, perhaps it is time to move on from the friendship.
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QuestionWhy do friendships fade?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.It's natural that people grow apart over time because everyone changes. It's actually really beneficial to change and grow into yourself over time, and that inevitably leads to some relationships ending. Acknowledge all of those pieces of the puzzle and remind yourself that it's okay to let go of relationships that aren't really working anymore.
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Tips
- While you might feel as though you are alone, know that this is not the case. You have friends and family that care about you.Thanks
- Dealing with the loss of a friend can be extremely difficult. Be kind to yourself and to your former friend.Thanks
- When dealing with your former friend, be mature and generous. Do not attack, demean, or insult this person. They once meant a lot to you, and perhaps still do. Try to remind yourself why you held them in such high regard if you feel the urge to say or do something rude or cruel.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/aly-walansky/how-do-we-know-its-time-to-say-goodbye-to-a-friend_b_4327420.html
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/toxic-friendships-accepting-forgiving-and-moving-on/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm
- ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/endfriendship
- ↑ http://greatist.com/grow/friendship-breakups
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/lose-control-to-find-closeness-in-your-relationships/
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/surviving-a-friendship-break-up
- ↑ http://greatist.com/grow/friendship-breakups
- ↑ https://www.nps.gov/goga/learn/management/upload/Comment-4704-attachment_.pdf
About This Article
Article Summary
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Losing a friend can be a painful time, but working through your emotions and distracting yourself will make it easier to move on. Let yourself feel every emotion that comes your way regarding your former friendship. You may feel sad, angry, guilty, or relieved, and all of these are completely normal. Try talking or writing about your feelings to help yourself work through them. It’s also important to try and distract yourself from the friendship in order to move on. Pick an activity that you enjoy, which doesn’t remind you of your friend, so that you can start to move on. For example, try swimming, running, or reading a new book series. Practicing self-care is also important while you process your loss. Remember to take the time to relax, recharge, and spend time with people that support you. For more advice on forgetting a friend who meant a lot to you, like how to make a new friend, read on.
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Reader Success Stories
- "I lost my best friend. We were best friends for approximately 9 years, but then our classes changed and she made new friends. Though our friendship was still there, due to some reason I missed her b-day and after that she started cutting off with me. I said sorry a hundred times, but she didn't listen. I know I was at fault, but how can she just finish everything for this little thing?" ..." more
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"I lost my best friend. We were best friends for approximately 9 years, but then our classes changed and she made new friends. Though our friendship was still there, due to some reason I missed her b-day and after that she started cutting off with me. I said sorry a hundred times, but she didn't listen. I know I was at fault, but how can she just finish everything for this little thing?"
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