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Stay calm, cool, and collected as you flirt your way into your crush’s heart
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Crushes are some of the most exciting things on the planet. All you want to do is talk to them, but how are you supposed to do that when you’re totally vibrating from nervousness? Sure, you can just avoid your crush and hope your feelings go away in time…or you can take simple steps to overcome your anxiety and wow your crush with your comfy, confident energy! We’ve made a guide to help you manage your nerves so you can stay cool as a cucumber while you chat up your crush. Check it out, below!
Things You Should Know
- Talk to your friends about your crush: it might help alleviate some of your nerves when you actually talk to your crush!
- Chat with your crush in a group setting first, if you can: this will help you feel more relaxed while you get to know them.
- Practice deep-breathing techniques to feel calmer, and go easy on yourself if you make a mistake in front of your crush. Remember, you're only human, and so are they!
Steps
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Talk to your friends about your crush. Everything gets easier if you talk about it, especially with a supportive group of good buds. Let your closest friends be your trusted advisers when it comes to dealing with crushes. Even if you don't take their advice, it'll feel great to get this major source of emotional stress off of your chest, so speak up! [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Your friends' support will likely boost your confidence, which will help you to feel less overwhelmed when speaking with your crush. [2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Another side benefit is that talking to your friends about your crush can force you to actually do something about it. Once your friends know about it, they may subtly push you to take action. This can be a good thing if you lack the courage to take action on your own.
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Start out interacting with your crush in a group. Try to limit your one-on-one time with your crush at first. Instead, try to hang out in groups. It's much easier to come across as charming when you have your friends around to do some of the "work" in the conversation for you. Being in the company of people you already know will also make you feel more at ease, so conversation will come more naturally.
- Even if you only spend a few minutes interacting with your crush the first few times you hang out in a group, just being in physical proximity can help your crush develop feelings for you (if they don't have them already). [3] X Research source
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Take your time engaging them in one-on-one conversations. The idea of hanging out one-on-one or even just having a conversation with your crush might be overwhelming. So go slow! Aim to speak to your crush for a few seconds one day, and then if it goes well, maybe aim for a few minutes the next day. Even if your conversations are brief at the start, keep taking baby steps: eventually, you're likely to develop a real friendship and be able to hold longer conversations, or even hang out together alone.
- Start by chatting them up at a casual, natural location, like their locker or in the hall as you walk out of class together. Make small talk, like "Did you get the homework done?" or "How was your weekend?"
- Remember, most people love to talk about themselves. Asking your crush questions about their life is a great way to engage their attention and show them you're interested in them without coming across too strong. [4] X Trustworthy Source Association for Psychological Science Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences Go to source (Focusing the convo on them will also take pressure off of you to think of things to say!)
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Although it may be tough, try to keep your conversations light. Chatting doesn't have to be stressful—just be yourself and have fun with it. After all, you're just talking to a fellow human!
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Always remember that your crush is a human being. Try not to think of your crush as "perfect" or unattainable — they are not. Your crush has flaws, fears, and things they are bad at. In other words, your crush is a human being just like you. Letting yourself believe that your crush is somehow "better" than other people will only make it harder to keep your cool when you're together.
- If you find yourself freaking out when you're around your crush, think back to some time that you remember them doing something wrong, like making a bad play during a sports game or accidentally doing something embarrassing. This is a good way to remind yourself that your crush is far from perfect, even if it may not always seem like it.
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Be confident . Staying calm about your crush isn't all about how you manage your thoughts and behavior. It's also about how you think about yourself. Remember that you are the most important one in your interactions with your crush. If you think to yourself, My crush would be lucky to have me , and not the other way around, it will be much easier to talk to this person. [5] X Research source
- It's super easy to feel like all your worth comes from your crush's feelings about you, but remember the 90-10 rule: try to let 90% of your confidence stem from your inherent sense of self-worth, and 10% come from external validation (which we all need!), like attention from your crush.
- Confidence is also an attractive trait to most people, so believing in yourself and knowing your worth is a win-win! [6] X Research source
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Avoid paying your crush too much attention. Once you can talk to your crush, this doesn't necessarily mean that you always should. Aim to talk to them once a day for at least a few minutes, but let them take the lead: if they seem open to talking longer, keep up the conversation, but if they seem busy or not interested in talking, let the convo die gracefully (and try not to take it personally!).
- You can tell if they're interested in the conversation if they're quick to reply (if you're texting) or if they respond to you in ways that continue the chat. If they take a while to reply or only respond in brief, one-word answers that don't really continue the chat, let the conversation die for the time being.
- Assume good intent if your crush isn't up for chatting. Instead, follow Bill Murray's advice in What About Bob? and treat them like a telephone: "If I meet somebody who I don’t think likes me, I say to myself, ‘Bob, this one is temporarily out of order. Don’t break the connection, just hang up and try again.'”
- A good general rule is to always try to end the conversation a little earlier than you think you need to. Not only will this prevent awkward, drawn-out exchanges, but it’ll also leave your crush eager to talk to you again.
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Try not to worry about making the occasional mistake. Everyone makes mistakes — even you and your crush. Don't overthink it if you use the wrong word around your crush or have an embarrassing Freudian slip. These are things that happen naturally from time to time during normal conversations. Simply laugh at your mistake and move on. If you think your mistake has offended your crush, apologize, then change the subject.
- Making a mistake can really make you feel inadequate! But it's important to remember that that's all it is—a feeling . It's not reality: everyone makes mistakes! [7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- If you find yourself ruminating on an awkward conversation you had earlier in the day with your crush, try to distract yourself with something mentally engaging, like a game or a chat with a friend. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- When your mistakes feel super overwhelming, looking at the bigger picture can help you shrug them off. Ask yourself: Will I be thinking about this little mistake in 5 or 10 years? You probably won't be!
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Resist letting your anxiety get to you. Whether or not it goes well, a conversation with a crush isn't the most important thing in the world. Luckily, there are a few things you can do to calm yourself in the event that you feel your nervousness become overwhelming. Try these easy steps to get yourself under control as soon as you feel extremely anxious:
- Remove yourself from the difficult situation. You can tell a white lie here. Something like, "Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom" usually works.
- Let your emotions out. If you're sad, cry somewhere private. If you're angry, try punching a pillow.
- Take deep breaths. This will slow your heart rate and help you get your emotions under control. [9] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- When you're ready, go back to what you were doing with your head held high.
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Avoid being too shy to ever express your true feelings. Having a crush is great, but keeping it a secret can be hard. If you really feel strongly about someone, consider telling them how you feel . Opening up about your feelings may lead to a relationship, but even if it doesn't, it's often satisfying to get your emotions off your chest.
- However, remember that your crush may not feel the same way about you. If you get a response like, "I'm touched you feel this way about me, but can we be friends instead?" try to take the rejection gracefully . Say "Of course!" and walk away.
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Avoid letting your crush dominate your thoughts. It's so easy to spend all your free time thinking about your crush: what they're doing, whether they like you or not, whether you should try calling them, etcetera, etcetera. But one of the best ways to overcome your nerves is to go out and live your life. Have fun! Have adventures! This way, not only will you remember that your crush isn't all there is to life, but you'll have loads to talk about with them the next time you see them.
- If you're having trouble not obsessing, ask a friend for support! Go out to the mall or the movies to distract yourself from thoughts of your crush. [10] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- When you find yourself dwelling on your crush, try writing down a list of all the things you like about yourself or that have gone well for you in the current week. This can help slow your racing mind and boost your self-esteem.
- When you have a major crush, it's a great time to take up a new hobby. Your new activity will not only distract you, but it'll build your self-confidence and remind you that winning over your crush isn't the end-all-be-all (which will, paradoxically, make it way easier to talk to them).
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I stop being scared of talking to my crush?Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post.Try a relaxation exercise before you meet up with your crush. Before you even walk in to meet that person, take a deep breath in. By doing that, you're going to lift up your shoulders and straighten your posture. That will give you a natural boost of energy and confidence.
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Tips
- Practice talking to your crush in the mirror. Pay attention to your tone of voice and body language. Keep your head up, your back straight, and a smile on your face.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- If you're too nervous to tell your crush you like them in person, try writing them a letter! It's still a thoughtful and genuine way to confess your feelings.
- Try to get your crush's eye contact once in a while, and smile when they look at you! Just don't let your eyes linger too long.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about crushes, check out our in-depth interview with Joshua Pompey .
References
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26744309/
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/201605/4-ways-you-can-turn-crush-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/minds-business/asking-questions-increases-likability.html
- ↑ https://www.girlslife.com/crushes/dating/19657/6-ways-to-get-the-guts-to-talk-to-your-crush
- ↑ https://spsp.org/news-center/character-context-blog/attractiveness-confidence
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2019/02/how-to-stop-obsessing-over-your-mistakes
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3432145/
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/specific-phobias/expert-answers/fear-of-public-speaking/faq-20058416
About This Article
Article Summary
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It’s natural to feel nervous when you talk to your crush, but you can keep your cool by taking deep breaths to calm yourself before you approach them. If you’re nervous about being alone with them, try talking to them in groups first. Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing or embarrassing yourself, since everyone makes mistakes and your crush probably won’t even notice. You might think of your crush as perfect, but try to remember that they’re human and have hopes and fears of their own. You can also remind yourself of your best traits and talents to build your confidence and remember that you have a lot to offer as a girlfriend or boyfriend. For more tips, including how to talk to your friends about your crush, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I didn't know that I should tell him how I feel. That is good. I could say something like, "I really like you." I could also rave about him a little with others. My mom is the only other person who knows how how I feel about him." ..." more
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"I didn't know that I should tell him how I feel. That is good. I could say something like, "I really like you." I could also rave about him a little with others. My mom is the only other person who knows how how I feel about him."
..."
more
"I'm usually a smooth-talking ladies man, but this girl I have a crush on now is just so hot. Every time I see her, I freeze up and almost freak out. Tomorrow I plan on talking to her, I just hope I don't freeze up."
..."
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"It helps because I'm in 10th grade and I have a crush on someone but I need to know if she likes me back. "
"It basically made me realize that I have more confidence in myself."
