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People who cheat often claim that they really loved (or still love) the person they cheated on. But can that possibly be true? Love is complicated to begin with, and infidelity doesn’t make it any easier to find the bottom line here. As a result, a lot of this will boil down to your personal beliefs. If you’re trying to explore the relationship between love and infidelity, we’re here to help you out. Just keep in mind that no matter what has happened to you, your feelings are valid, you are worthy of love, and you can come back from whatever dark place you may be in right now.
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Question 2 of 7:
Why do people cheat?
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Some people cheat because they feel neglected, or forgotten. If someone is in a relationship where they feel like their partner doesn’t care about them, they may end up looking for that emotional fulfillment somewhere else. [4] X Expert Source Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor Expert Interview. 24 November 2021. Even if their perception isn’t accurate, they’ll go wherever they need to go to feel cared for, loved , and appreciated. [5] X Research source- This isn’t to say that the person being cheated on deserves it. Even if someone is neglectful, there are always better ways for the other person to address it. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.
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There may be mental or emotional issue that make stability difficult. People who suffer from an addiction to sex , love, or some other vice may cheat because it scratches that addictive urge. [6] X Research source People with certain emotional or mental health issues may be more prone to cheating as well. For example, people with bipolar disorder appear to be more likely to act out sexually during periods of mania. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Attachment anxiety refers to someone who develops increased levels of fear the closer they get to someone—often as a result of a traumatic childhood. People with high levels of attachment anxiety may be more likely cheat. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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A percentage of people cheat due to low self-esteem or stress . Cheating may have nothing to do with someone’s significant other. Some people cheat because they don’t feel they’re worthy of a healthy, loving relationship, while others do it simply because they feel bad about themselves. Some cheaters do what they do simply because it makes them feel better and they don’t have a more productive way to take the pain away. [9] X Research source
- This isn’t to say that this is a healthy way to deal with pain. Being stressed out, scared, or feeling bad about yourself is not a good reason to cheat on someone.
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Question 4 of 7:
Can you still love someone after cheating?
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Yes, nothing is ever over unless you want it to be. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair can be difficult, but it’s definitely possible. [13] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 September 2021. Don’t make any rash decisions for now. Think about what you want and create some space for the two of you to process how you feel. [14] X Research source If the two of you want to work this out, seek out couples counseling. This will dramatically increase the odds that the two of you can heal. [15] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source- This process is different for everyone. Some couples find it easy to come to an understanding, take ownership for past indiscretions, and start over stronger than ever. For other couples, it can take years for the healing process to take place.
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Some people cannot love again if they’ve been cheated on. There’s nothing wrong with you if you have been cheated on and you feel the love empty out of your heart. That’s a totally normal, understandable reaction, and a lot of people experience this. [16] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 September 2021. If you’ve been cheated on and you just can’t find it in your heart to keep pursuing the relationship, it’s okay to move on . [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source- This can be true for the person who cheated, as well. Some people lash out at their partner and cheat intentionally to “get back at them” because they’re mad and they feel like they’ve been pushed to the brink. For these cheaters, it can be hard to let go of all that anger.
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Question 6 of 7:
Do cheaters feel guilty?
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Most cheaters feel extremely guilty about their behavior. Cheating is a serious violation of someone’s trust. This kind of dramatic boundary-crossing usually carries all kinds of feelings of regret, guilt, shame, and despair. The vast majority of people deeply regret cheating, and it can conjure all kinds of guilty feelings if they never hold themselves responsible. [21] X Research source
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A small percentage of cheaters don’t experience guilt. Some people cheat because they’re adrenaline junkies—they enjoy the thrill of tricking others and getting away with something. While it’s likely a small subset of people who cheat, these people don’t experience guilt (although they may act guilty if they’re caught). [22] X Research source
- If you’re in a relationship where infidelity has occurred, don’t assume they don’t feel guilt. You can never know what’s in someone’s heart, and even if they claim to not feel guilty about it, they’re likely just trying to excuse their own behavior.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat does it mean when you cheat on someone you love?Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).You might have forgotten your "no," or the main reason you wouldn't cheat in the first place—maybe you didn't want to hurt your partner or you didn't want to explain the aftermath to your kids. If you cheated, there's a good chance you forgot about this reason.
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QuestionWhy did I cheat on the person I love?Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).Think about the circumstances that led up to the cheating. What provided the environment for you to forget about your commitment? Do you feel like you can't advocate for your needs? Do you feel like your wants and needs aren't being met? Are you still in party mode? A variety of different factors can lead to you cheating on the person you love.
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References
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
- ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852112/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6439209/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5436896/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3648986/
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6439209/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21667234/
- ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/why-happily-married-men-cheat-wives/
- ↑ https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-18233843
- ↑ https://www.providencejournal.com/story/lifestyle/advice/2021/08/16/ask-amy-couple-cant-cope-feelings-guilt-infidelity/5509611001/
- ↑ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/10/dirty-deeds-deconstructed/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5709195/
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