How to Get Your Boyfriend to Stop Calling You Names

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Name calling is especially hurtful when it’s coming from a boyfriend who’s supposed to love and respect you. A lot of times, it’s the result of emotional immaturity on his part and the problem can be resolved by talking openly about your feelings privately or with the help of a counselor. Sometimes, it can be a symptom of a more serious verbal abuse problem that is harder to tackle. Keep reading for a comprehensive guide to talking with your boyfriend, protecting your boundaries, and preserving your self-esteem while you work on getting him to stop calling you names.

1

Stay calm during the name calling.

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    It’s difficult not to react, but if you get angry, he might use that to internally justify more name calling. Take a deep breath and try not to take his name calling personally. You didn’t cause his behavior and you’re not responsible for it. [1]
    • His name calling is about his own emotional immaturity and doesn’t have anything to do with you or anything you’ve done.
    • Name calling is a form of manipulation. It loses its power if you refuse to take the bait and stay unbothered (on the outside).
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2

Speak to him directly about it.

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    Wait to talk to him until you’re both in a good mood, preferably not right after he’s called you a name. Be honest but sensitive while you bring up his behavior, state your feelings clearly, and be straightforward when you ask him to stop. [2] You may have to repeat the conversation before you notice results. [3] Some conversation openers might go like this:
    • “Hey, I want to talk to you about something you said earlier that hurt me. You called me a loser, and I have a real problem with that.”
    • “Do you have a minute to talk? There’s something that’s bothering me. I feel like I’m not doing anything to justify you calling me names, and I want it to stop.”
    • “I want to be open with you about something that bothers me in our relationship. I feel horrible when I get called names, and it makes it hard to take our conversations seriously.”
3

Be assertive when you talk to him.

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    Keep a neutral facial expression on to appear calm, and project confidence by using tall, open posture while you’re talking. Maintaining eye contact also shows you’re serious, and he’ll be more likely to respond positively to you. [4]
    • Too much eye contact can read as aggressive. Shoot for looking in his eyes no more than about 70% of the conversation.
    • Lean toward him slightly while you talk without getting in his personal space, and avoid “hand talking” or big gestures. It might be helpful to practice your body language in a mirror beforehand.
    • Aim for a normal, conversational tone. You don’t want to be noticeably softer or louder than usual.
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4

Explain why it makes you feel bad.

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    Use “I” statements to share how you feel when he calls you names, since “you” statements sound more accusatory or aggressive. This way, you can communicate your feelings about the situation without centering it around him. [5] [6] Try statements like:
    • “I feel humiliated when I get called those names.”
    • “I don’t respond well to name calling. There are better ways to communicate problems with me.”
    • “I don’t like being called that word.”
5

Make declarative statements to stand up for yourself.

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    Challenge him with a simple declaration like “Stop that” or “That’s insulting to me.” He’s probably not expecting you to stand up for yourself, and your clear and direct tone will catch him off guard. This communicates how you want to be treated each time he calls you a name. [7] More forceful statements might be:
    • “Stop calling me names.”
    • “That’s childish.”
    • “Do not use that word with me again.”
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6

Ask him what he meant by using that name.

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    This approach is most effective when you ask him right after he calls you a name. He’ll probably be thrown off and realize how childish he sounds. Using a question is a softer form of confrontation than an accusation, and his answer might give you more insight into why he’s acting like this. [8] Try using one of these lines:
    • “Excuse me, what do you mean when you call me that?”
    • “Can you tell me why you felt the need to call me that?”
    • “I don’t understand why you’re calling me that. Can you tell me?”
7

Set boundaries with him.

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    This will show him you won’t tolerate it and you’re not dealing with it going forward. He’s resorting to name calling because he doesn’t have any more mature communication tools left, so be the bigger person and disengage. [9] Try some statements like these:
    • “Quit it with the name calling or we’re done with this conversation.”
    • “If you can’t stop calling me names, I’m going to leave the room.”
    • “Find a nicer way to talk to me or I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”
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8

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    By continually setting and sticking to your boundaries, he’ll get the message that his verbal abuse isn’t effective anymore. Following through is an important step in rebuilding your self-esteem and sense of control of the situation. [10] For example:
    • If you say you’re going to leave the room if he calls you a name, you should actually leave if he does it.
    • If you say you’re done talking to him until he finds nicer words, ignore him until he changes his language.
    • Start with small, manageable boundaries as you get more comfortable with standing up to him. Your relationship might not change right away, but you will feel confident after each small victory.
9

Acknowledge his positive changes.

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    People usually think of parenting when they hear this, but it works very well on adults as well. When he talks to you without using names or shows other genuine signs of emotional maturity, praise him to show that you notice and appreciate his efforts. [11] Say things like:
    • “Thank you for communicating with me more respectfully. I really appreciate it.”
    • “I’ve noticed all the effort you’re putting in for me. Thank you.”
    • “I feel closer to you now that we’re talking to each other nicely.”
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10

Build a support network with trustworthy people.

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    Your friends, family, or therapist can validate your feelings and provide a safe space away from his name calling and verbal abuse. Without an outside perspective, you might be more susceptible to lower self-esteem, doubting yourself, and believing in the names he calls you. [12]
    • It’s ultimately up to you to decide if his behavior is a problem for you or your relationship. However, support and opinions from friends and family can help you make decisions and affirm your choices to make change.
11

Know your self-worth.

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    Only you get to decide how you feel and what you’re worth. Show yourself compassion and forgive yourself for any shame, regret, or guilt you might have felt as a result of his behavior. Accept your feelings as they are, and then let them go. [13]
    • Try an activity or a hobby that you love and excel at to clear your mind from the name calling and give yourself a quick self-esteem boost.
    • Cut out the word “should” when you think or speak about your feelings and actions. Instead, use “could” to open up more possibilities. For example, instead of “I should go back to the couch with him,” think “I could go back to the couch with him…but maybe it’s best if I take some time for myself.”
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12

See a relationship counselor if talking doesn’t work.

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    If he is unwilling or unable to change at first, look for a relationship or communication professional who can help you. A family counselor or couples therapist can show you both ways to relate to each other in healthy, relationship-strengthening ways. [14] Some sign you may need a professional’s help might be:
    • Your boyfriend continues to name call or verbally abuse after you’ve asked him to stop.
    • Your communication breaks down or your arguing leads to a lack of physical or emotional intimacy.
    • The name calling leads to physical abuse or threats of violence. [15]
13

End the relationship if he refuses to change.

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    It’s ultimately up to him to decide he wants to change and contribute to a healthy relationship. [16] If he constantly shuts you down, keeps name calling, and doesn’t respect your feelings about the issue, it might be time to break it off. [17] [18]
    • This is a dramatic step to take, but it may be the only way to show you’re serious about his name calling behavior.
    • If you set a boundary and say you’ll leave him if he doesn’t change, stick to it. It’ll be hard, but he will feel like he’s won or that you’ll never actually leave him if you don’t follow through. Think carefully before deciding on this ultimatum.
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14

Call an abuse hotline if your safety is threatened.

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    If he won’t stop and you are unsure where to turn to for help, reach out to a healthcare provider, a local women’s shelter, a local social or human services department, or a domestic abuse hotline for options. [19]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Should I give him one more chance?
    Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
    Relationship Coach
    Michelle Shahbazyan is the Founder of The LA Life Coach, a concierge life, family, and career coaching service based in Los Angeles, California. She has over 10 years of experience with life coaching, consulting, motivational speaking, and matchmaking. She has a BA in Applied Psychology and an MS in Building Construction and Technology Management from Georgia Tech University, and a MA in Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Phillips Graduate University.
    Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    It's up to you! If you speak with him 1-2 times about his behavior without noticing any changes, you're definitely in a position to potentially end the relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/mistakes-to-never-make-with-an-abuser
      2. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.understood.org/articles/en/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
      4. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/bullying_help_kids_learn_to_respond_assertively_if_theyre_the_target
      5. ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
      6. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/what-s-the-best-way-react-insult
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/can-you-spot-10-signs-childish-adult
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-quick-ways-to-recognize-your-self-worth#1
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-signs-you-may-need-marriage-counseling/
      6. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=2990
      7. ↑ https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/04/how-do-i-stop-the-verbal-abuse-part-1
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/mistakes-to-never-make-with-an-abuser
      9. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
      10. ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?contenttypeid=1&contentid=2990
      11. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.

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