Don't Want to Go to a Party? Here's How to Get Out of It

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Whether you want to tell the truth or come up with a good excuse, we’ve got you covered
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So you’ve been invited to a party you just don’t feel up to attending, but you don’t want to hurt the host’s feelings. You've come to the right place! If you want to stick to honesty, we’ll go over how to politely and respectfully decline the invite, including expert insights from etiquette coach Tami Claytor and licensed psychologist Kateri Berasi. We’ll also go over a list of good excuses you can use to get out of the party if you prefer to take that route. Keep reading for everything you need to know!

Excuses to Not Go to a Party

  1. You’re sick with a cold, stomach bug, migraine, or some other physical ailment.
  2. Your pet is sick and you need to stay home to keep an eye on them.
  3. There’s been a family emergency and you need to deal with it.
  4. An unexpected work commitment came up.
  5. You already agreed to different plans on the same night.
  6. Your car broke down and you have no way to get there.
  7. You’re grounded, or your parents said “no.”
Section 1 of 4:

Believable Excuses to Get Out of a Party

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    1
    Pretend you’re not feeling well. On the day of the party, text your friend saying that you think you’re getting sick. You could say that you ate something bad and are developing food poisoning symptoms, or that you’re coming down with a nasty cold. If you regularly get migraines or another type of physical ailment, these also make good excuses.
    • Your friend will likely have sympathy for you as you deal with this “illness,” so they’re less likely to be offended that you can’t make it.
    • Additionally, nobody wants someone throwing up or coughing uncontrollably at their party, so the host will likely think your absence is for the best.
  2. 2
    Say your pet or someone you live with is sick. Tell the host that your pet, roommate, or family member has come down with an illness, and you need to stay home to take care of them. The host will likely show concern and sympathy for the situation.
    • Plus, if you say that a roommate or family member has something contagious, the host will probably agree that it’s best you stay home to avoid spreading it to anyone else at the party.
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  3. 3
    Say there’s been a family emergency. Unforeseen circumstances can always come up, so the host will likely be understanding about this. And, since family emergencies can be sensitive subjects, they probably won’t press you for details if you say you aren’t comfortable sharing them.
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    4
    Tell the host an unexpected work commitment came up. Say that your boss just gave you a last minute project that needs to get done ASAP. Or, say that a coworker got sick and can’t make their shift, and they begged you to cover it for them. Most people understand that it’s hard to get out of work commitments, so the host probably won’t give you a hard time about it.
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    5
    Say you have a different commitment on the day of the party. You could say that you already RSVP’d yes to someone else’s party, that someone is visiting you from out of town on that day, or that you have an important appointment scheduled during the time of the party.
    • When the day of the party arrives, just make sure to keep up with the ruse that you’re attending this other event (i.e., don’t make any social media posts revealing that you aren’t where you said you would be).
    • Also, if you say you have plans with another friend, make sure this friend is someone the host doesn’t know, so they won’t find out this isn’t true.
  6. 6
    Say that you’re trying to save money and you can’t afford it. Maybe you’re supposed to celebrate a friend’s birthday at a bar or restaurant, which would require you to buy food, drinks, and Uber rides. Or, maybe you have children, and you would need to pay for a babysitter if you attended the party. If any of these circumstances apply, just tell the host that you’re in a tough spot financially, and you’re going to have to opt out of the party to save money.
  7. 7
    Say you’re having car troubles. If you’re declining the invite a few days in advance, tell the host that your car broke down and will be in the shop for a few days, so you have no way to get to the party. If you’re trying to get out of the party at the last minute, tell them that you got a flat tire or got into a fender bender on the way to the party, so you can’t make it.
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    8
    If you’re a kid or a teenager, blame your parents. Tell your friends that your parents are making you stay home to babysit a sibling, or forcing you to have a family dinner at your house that night. Another iron-clad excuse is that you're grounded; everyone will understand that there's no way you can come to a party.
  9. 9
    Pretend you have too much homework to do. If you’re a student, tell your friend that you really wish you could attend the party, but you’re way behind on studying or assignments. Your friend will likely understand that school and grades come first!
    • If you go with this excuse, just make sure you don’t make any posts on social media showing that you’re out doing something else, instead of staying home to study.
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Section 2 of 4:

How to Decline an Invitation Politely & Honestly

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    1
    RSVP “no” as soon as possible. When you want to decline an invitation , “the number one rule is to respond immediately,” explains Claytor. [1] Don't put off telling the host that you can’t make it—they may build up an expectation of your attendance and feel more disappointed when you end up canceling at the last minute. It’s more polite and considerate to let your host know you won’t be attending as early as possible.
    • This also gives the host a chance to adjust their plans to accommodate your absence.
    • They may want to order a bit less food for the party, or invite someone else in your stead, so it’s helpful for them to know that you aren’t coming in advance.
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    2
    Deliver the news in person or over the phone. If the party is very important to the host (a birthday party, anniversary party, or baby shower, for example), Claytor explains that it’s best to decline in person or over the phone, rather than via text or email. [2] The conversation will feel more personal and sincere, and you’ll be better able to explain why you can’t attend.
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    3
    Strike the right tone. People react to disappointing news in different ways, so there’s no single right way to go about declining the invite. Depending on the personality of the person you’re breaking the news to, you’ll want to have a different attitude and tone. For example:
    • If you think the person will be offended or sad, be as apologetic as possible.
    • If you think the person will try to pressure or guilt you into attending, be firm.
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    4
    Give a clear reason for missing the party. If you just tell the host that you don’t “feel” like it, you’re more likely to hurt their feelings. Giving a more specific reason is usually the best way to go (unless your specific reason is that you just don’t like the host). Some examples why you don’t want to attend a party might include: [3]
    • You have a previous engagement at that time.
    • Someone you would like to avoid will be attending the party.
    • You have too much work or studying to catch up on.
    • You generally don’t feel comfortable in crowded, hectic party environments.
    • You’re feeling burnt out lately, and you need to recharge your social battery.
    • You’re going through something personal (mental health issues, family drama, etc) and you just don’t feel up to it.
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    5
    Don't over-explain yourself. When you talk for too long about why you can't attend a party, you give the host more time to try to convince you that you should attend. Plus, “you’re not obligated to give an in-depth explanation,” Claytor explains. [4] Let the host know the basic reason you won’t be coming, then move on.
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    6
    Offer to help with the party beforehand. Even if you can't attend the party yourself, you can still help make it a success by offering to lend a hand with the planning and preparation. This will demonstrate to the host that you value their friendship, and that you would attend the party if you could.
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    7
    Promise to make it up to them. If you have to miss an event, make plans to catch up with the host when you have more time. [5] Try to plan a different activity as close to the party as possible, so you can show an interest in what you missed. This will show the host that you care about them, even though you couldn’t make it to their event.
    • If you declined the invite because crowded parties aren’t your scene, “ask them if they’d like to do a different activity in the future that may be more in alliance with something you enjoy,” suggests Dr. Berasi. “This way, you’re honoring your needs and also letting them know you value them.” [6]
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Section 3 of 4:

Excuses to Leave a Party Early

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  1. If you’re already at the party, you can easily make an early exit. If you want to make an appearance for a few minutes, but you don’t feel up to staying the whole time, here are a few good excuses you can use:
    • Say you have to be up early the next morning, so you can only stay for a little bit.
    • Say your babysitter or pet sitter was only available until a certain time, so you’ll need to go home early to relieve them.
    • Say that you’re suddenly feeling sick (you ate something that disagreed with you, you drank too much alcohol, you got a migraine out of the blue, etc).
    • If you still live with your parents, say that they enforce a strict curfew, or that they just called you and said you need to come home right now.
Section 4 of 4:

Tips to Keep in Mind When Using an Excuse

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    1
    Keep your lie simple. Lie as little as possible, without elaboration. An elaborate story about why you can’t attend a party will seem suspicious, and will also be more difficult to keep track of if someone asks you about it later.
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    2
    Set up your lie ahead of time. If the party is a few days away and you know you don’t want to attend, do some groundwork ahead of time to deflect suspicion. [7] For example, try reaching out to the host a day or two before the party to let them know that you think you’re coming down with an illness. This establishes that you aren’t feeling well, so your excuse seems even more believable on the night of the party.
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    3
    Keep track of your lie. Even if the lie is just a little white lie, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by getting caught. Keep track of exactly what you tell people and who you tell it to, so that you don’t end up telling conflicting stories.
  4. 4
    Maintain the appearance of your lie. For example, if you tell the host you’re feeling sick or you’re staying home to study, don’t make any posts on social media revealing that you’re actually out doing something else. This is sure to alert the host to your lie, and it will probably hurt their feelings, too.
    • If you are doing something else with other friends on the night of the party, ask them not to post any photos or videos of you while you’re there.
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    5
    Don’t be too hard on yourself for lying to get out of going to the party. Studies show that lying is a regular part of daily life even for people we’d otherwise consider moral, upstanding individuals. [8] When people lie to ease social tensions, rather than to serve their own purposes, a white lie might be a better option than the truth.
    • Plus, research shows that people usually overestimate the negative consequences of turning down an invitation. [9]
    • In other words, the host will most likely understand, and chances are it won’t have lasting negative effects on your relationship.
    • Social burnout is a real thing, and we all need a break from events sometimes. [10] Give yourself some grace , and don’t beat yourself up about it!
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  • Question
    How do you tell someone you don't want to go to their party?
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Well, if it’s not something you want to do, you can always decline an invite by saying it’s not for you. No harm done! If you want to, ask them if they would like to do a different activity in the future that may be more in alliance with something you enjoy. This way, you are honoring your needs and letting them know you value them.
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  • Question
    I was invited to a popular girl's party. I decided not to go, but felt a little guilty because I think she was really hoping I would be there. What do I do?
    Community Answer
    If you haven't already answered, consider the reason you don't want to go. If you're really positive that the reason you don't want to go makes sense or is logical, you can take the next step. Tell her that you're extremely sorry, but you're needed at home or work. Try not to give too many details, because she may try to ask uncomfortable questions. You can also try telling her that your parents won't allow you to go or you're grounded.
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  • Question
    This girl still thinks we are best friends, and she invited me to her birthday party. I don't want to go, and don't want to be friends with her. How do I nicely tell her to leave me alone?
    Community Answer
    Make up an excuse for not being able to go. Slowly drift apart from her and start hanging out with your other friends. Be nice to her when she talks to you, but distant. Never ignore her, just treat her like a distant friend.
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      References

      1. ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
      2. ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
      3. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2023/12/21/1220439245/how-to-say-no-party-invite-science-research
      4. ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview. 16 February 2022.
      5. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2023/12/21/1220439245/how-to-say-no-party-invite-science-research
      6. ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
      7. ↑ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201005/top-ten-secrets-effective-liars
      8. ↑ https://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2009/05/18/were-all-lying-liars-why-people-tell-lies-and-why-white-lies-can-be-ok
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-asymmetric-brain/202312/afraid-of-saying-no-to-an-invitation-dont-be
      1. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2023/12/say-no-invitation

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you want to get out of a party you don’t want to go to, tell a simple lie. For example, tell the host that you have to babysit a sibling or that you’re grounded. Make sure to keep your story as simple as possible, or else it will seem suspicious. Another way you can get out of the engagement is by pretending that you’re sick. On the day of the party, text your friend that you have food poisoning since food poisoning goes away quickly and no one will be suspicious if you’re healthy the next day. If you’re a student or have a job, tell the host that you fell behind on work and have to catch up. For more tips, like how to be honest with the host, scroll down.

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