How to Love Your Partner (& Yourself) Deeply

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Plus, learn what loving someone really means
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Love is an intense feeling of deep affection, unlike any other emotion. There are numerous types of love, including both self-love and romantic love. Healthy relationships involve working towards loving and showing your love in many different ways. We spoke with relationship experts to find out their top tips for learning to love yourself and helping your partner feel loved.

How to Love Your Partner

  1. Commit to your relationship.
  2. Share emotional intimacy with your partner.
  3. Recognize that love doesn’t always feel the same way.
  4. Be ready to receive love from your partner.
  5. Touch your partner affectionately.
  6. Show gratitude to your partner.
  7. Meet life’s challenges together.
Section 1 of 4:

Loving a Partner

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  1. Put effort into the relationship and work hard to make it a success. Communicate openly with your partner about your goals for the relationship and where you see it going. Licensed Psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz says, “Healthy communication involves sharing how you feel, not bottling things up. It involves understanding and validating your partner's perspective.”
    • Being committed to a relationship means you’re willing to put in the work even when things aren’t going smoothly.
    • If you're only interested in a short-term fling, be honest. If you've got an eye toward serious long-term love, be honest. There's nothing wrong with either kind of love, but you need to make sure that your partner is equally committed to the same version of love that you are, says Love & Relationship Coach Nicole Moore.
  2. The word "intimacy" is often associated with sex, but being emotionally intimate is a huge part of a loving relationship. Emotional intimacy involves allowing yourself to feel and express vulnerability around your partner. Signs of avoiding vulnerability are withdrawals, attacks, or accusations. On the contrary, intimacy looks like sharing fears, discomfort, and disappointment with your partner. Emotions or situations that previously felt unsafe feel safer in an intimate relationship because of the vulnerability and trust you’ve developed. [1]
    • When you begin to feel vulnerable (like experiencing fear, sadness, shame, or hurt), take a moment and pause. Be compassionate with yourself as you acknowledge whatever feelings come up. Allow yourself to feel them; don’t avoid them.
    • Share your vulnerable moments and let your partner support you.
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  3. If you’re concerned that the initial attraction and strong feelings of love are wearing off, realize that love often occurs in waves. Sometimes, you feel overwhelmingly in love with someone, and other times, you feel like friends or roommates. Just because you hit a low point doesn’t mean it will last forever. Life happens in cycles, and it’s okay that love experiences highs and lows. [2]
    • Lots of things create peaks and troughs in love, such as having children or growing older, but you work through them by deeply connecting with each other and making an effort to reignite the spark in your relationships.
    • Love naturally changes over time. The initial rollercoaster of emotions and angst that comes with the early stages of a relationship tend settle into a more calm, lasting connection after 1-2 years together. [3]
  4. You don’t have to be in control of the love in your relationship; let your partner express love toward you. Receiving love can feel vulnerable to some people because it requires letting go of control. Be open to receiving gifts, accepting compliments, and warm gestures. You may feel like you now owe something back, but let that go and enjoy the experience of receiving. Love doesn’t cause debts. It multiplies and expands. [4]
    Reinforce healthy relationship habits. "As a total newbie to relationships, I constantly worried if my actions were showing real love or not. Reading this article was reassuring — it affirmed the positive habits I was already trying, like open communication and intimacy. I don't have to second-guess myself as much anymore. Now, I feel more confident that I'm actively nurturing a strong bond with my partner." - Ray B.
    Gain a more realistic view of relationships. "What stood out to me were the illustrations of flawed, real couples. Most relationship advice out there depicts these unrealistically perfect, airbrushed pairs. Seeing the art of more natural, realistic couples helped me adjust my expectations. I was reminded relationships take compromise and teamwork. Appreciating my partner as-is became easier after reading this." - Serena C.
    Take relationship to the next level. "My new relationship was going well so far, but I aimed to strengthen our bond even more. The specific tips here on things like receiving love openly and reconciling differences after fights deepened our intimacy. I've got actionable tools now to nurture our love through the ups and downs. Our bond grows a little stronger each day." - Pete D.
    Prompt self-reflection on love. "I was just generally curious about love when I came across this thoughtful article. It drew me inward, prompting deep self-reflection. Contemplating the philosophical questions posed made me search within and think about my past experiences. I gained so much insight into the complex, beautiful facets of love. It was an unexpectedly moving read!" - Mae R.
    Did you know that wikiHow has collected over 365,000 reader stories since it started in 2005? We’d love to hear from you! Share your story here .
  5. Showing affection through touch is one of the love languages. Touching doesn’t have to be sexual, but sex can certainly be a part of it. Touch also includes a sweet kiss on the cheek, engaging in a long, supportive hug, or reaching out for your partner’s hand to stay connected. Express your love for your partner by initiating and sustaining physical contact. Affection is one way to express care, appreciation, and other connecting, positive emotions. [5]
    • Physical affection helps your partner feel loved, and also helps you feel as if you’re showing love.
    • Try cuddling on the couch together or giving them a massage without using it to initiate sex.
    • Don’t be afraid to touch your partner in public. A subtle touch on the back or putting your arm around them means a lot to someone who likes to receive love through touch.
  6. Sometimes, the way we communicate with a partner is lost in translation, but gratitude is always understood. Affirm your appreciation of your partner by expressing gratitude for them. Thank them for the things they do and also for the qualities they embody. [6]
    • When you think a nice thing about your partner – like that you think they look great or you admire how they interact with others – say it out loud and thank them for the effort they put into everything they do.
    • If you find it difficult to express your feelings in the moment, write them a message of gratitude to share appreciation for them and thank them for loving you.
    • Don’t fall into the trap of always complaining about your partner when they aren’t around. It’s tempting to join in when your friends are expressing frustration with their partners. Resist the impulse or turn it into a gratitude session about what you love about your partner. [7]
  7. Going through life with people you love means you tackle life’s challenges together. In a true partnership, there are is no leader or follower. You work together to find solutions, solve problems, and comfort each other when times get tough. You can’t solve everything on your own or know everything there is to know. But working together out of love, you can solve just about any problem. [8]
    • A partnership is based on mutual respect and shared power. Listen to your partner’s opinion and take it into account when making decisions that influence your life together.
    • However, this doesn’t mean you have to share responsibility for every minor decision. Trust one another to handle the little things and come together to deal with the bigger decisions. [9]
  8. Schewitz says, “Getting a solid knowledge of each other’s world is really crucial. Build a solid foundation with your partner and really understand their hopes, dreams, and goals…that’s actually linked to long-term romance.” Wanting to be seen, heard, and understood as an individual are basic human needs, so it’s important to have a partner who really cares about what you feel and think. [10]
    • When they’re talking to you, be a good listener . Don’t try to think of a solution to their problem or about how you want to respond. Really listen to them and think about what they’re saying.
    • Don’t get defensive if you disagree with what they’re saying. It’s okay to connect with what you feel, but try to see and understand their side, too. [11]
    • This doesn’t mean you have to share all the same interests, Schewitz cautions. “There are plenty of healthy relationships where people don't share a ton of interest. So I would say that's just a bonus and not necessarily essential for a healthy relationship.”
  9. Schewitz recommends learning to speak your partner’s love language. “Some people find it really romantic when their partner brings them flowers because their love language is gifts. Somebody whose love language is words of affirmation is going to find it really romantic to hear: ‘I love you,’ or ‘you’re beautiful,’ or ‘I don't know what I would do without you.’”
    • Schewitz says that your partner will appreciate you putting in quality time with them. “They’re going to really appreciate you planning an amazing date for them where everything's just handled, and they don't have to worry about a thing. You guys just have to sit there and connect with each other and have great conversations in an amazing atmosphere.”
    • Don’t know what your love language is? Check out our Love Language Quiz to find out!
  10. Expecting your partner, yourself, or your relationship to be perfect sets incredibly unrealistic expectations. You won’t be able to live up to these standards, and you’ll both end up hurt and disappointed. Deal with your perfectionist thoughts by recognizing the benefits of imperfection, like increased self esteem and getting more joy out of life. Take it easy on yourself and your partner, and expect mistakes to happen. [12]
    • Every relationship has its unique set of challenges. The best long-term relationships require hard work, dedication, and determination to keep them on track.
    • Recognize the fears that cause you to feel the need to be perfect. Then, imagine “good enough” outcomes for times when your high standards can’t be met. [13]
    • Give yourself a little grace. Allow you and your partner a little space for some trial and error without throwing in the towel on your relationship.
  11. Yes, bad things will happen in your relationships. You’ll say the wrong thing, or your partner will hurt your feelings. It happens. The important part, when anything goes wrong (even if it’s just problems in your life), is to show kindness to your partner and keep moving forward. Try to make the most of any negative situation, turning it into something positive by growing from the experience. [14]
    • If you're in the wrong, apologize and own up to your mistake. Good relationships air out the grievances and clear the air.
    • There are many things that may make it harder to act with kindness toward your partner, like fear of intimacy or worry that you’re losing your individuality. It’s okay to feel these things, but don’t allow them to take over your actions. [15]
    • Don’t allow your negative experiences to affect how you treat your partner. Let go of past hurts and work to make a better future with your partner.
    • Learn how to express care and concern in a way your partner understands. Your idea of how to show love might not be the same as your partner’s. Try to understand how they want to be treated.
  12. It’s hard to feel love toward someone when you’re really mad or upset. It’s okay to disagree or even argue, as long as you don’t become hurtful. Whether you like to clear the air in a big fight or work things out more calmly, the important part is finding what works for you and coming together again after the fight. [16]
    • Whether you have volatile screaming matches or you sit down together to compromise before things get too heated, almost every style of conflict allows for some form of reconciliation.
    • No matter how you and your partner fight, make sure you both, in the end, feel heard and are able to come to some kind of agreement. [17]
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Love requires work and compromise. Nobody's perfect, but with time and effort, you can build a foundation of trust and respect that leads to a lasting connection.

  13. Balance is important in creating a happy and loving relationship. Research shows that with stability over time, the magic ratio for positive and negative interactions in relationships is five to one – or five positive interactions for every negative interaction. [18]
    • When you recognize a negative action toward your partner, do your best to provide positive interactions to restore a sense of balance.
    • Positive interactions include physical intimacy such as touching, smiling , and laughing.
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Section 2 of 4:

Loving Yourself

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  1. Before loving anyone else, you have to love yourself. Learning to love yourself means accepting and appreciating yourself and the vulnerability within. [19] You have many qualities that are unique to you. Learn to appreciate who you are and what you can offer, says Moore.
    • If you have problems loving yourself , work hard to build yourself up. Work on your self-confidence by accepting your past and moving forward.
    • You may feel that things you did in the past will make you unlovable or that you have too many problems to be lovable. This isn’t true. Accept the things that happened to you, forgive yourself, and move on.
  2. This may be difficult if you find yourself as a natural caretaker or if you have children. Author of Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It Kamal Ravikant says, “Loving yourself is a fundamentally inner thing where you actually walk around feeling love for yourself and feeling love for this amazing human being you are, and you live life from that place.” Remember, your ability to take care of others increases if you are adequately taking care of yourself . [20]
    • Don’t let yourself become the last priority; instead, do things to show yourself you care. Treat yourself to a massage or a bath. Do one thing every day that is just for you.
    • Ravikant recommends, “Say ‘I love myself’ and bring it in, but feel it, and then let out whatever's inside. Do that when you wake up. Do that when you go to sleep. Do that throughout the day.”
    • This extends to maintaining boundaries and saying “no.” If what you need is some relaxation, say no to getting together with friends. [21]
  3. Grateful people have health benefits and report higher levels of happiness. [22] Find ways to be grateful for things that surround you, and most importantly, for who you are.
    • Think about the characteristics you have that you love about yourself. Maybe you’re very compassionate, generous, or a good listener . Maybe you pick up new skills easily. Perhaps you create beautiful paintings or wire electricity like a pro. Take a moment and be grateful.
    • Ravikant says, “When you start to love yourself, gratitude actually becomes more of a natural state…you just start becoming more of a grateful person.”
  4. Even if situations seem negative, find something positive, big or small. Having a positive outlook is linked with health and emotional benefits, such as lower rates of distress and a longer lifespan. [23] When you start to have negative thoughts, especially about yourself, turn them into positive thoughts.
    • Use positive self-talk to transform negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
    • Combat negative thoughts about new situations. Instead of “I’ll mess this up; I’m so foolish!” try “I feel proud of myself for trying something new and putting myself out there.”
    • If you think, “I am so bad at meeting people,” replace it with, “I’m excited to learn new social skills and meet people who are more like me. I know I can succeed in making friends.”
  5. Being happy is part of showing love to yourself. Create a state of happiness by doing things that make you feel good . Do things that make your body, mind, emotions, and spirit feel good. Happiness largely depends on putting in the effort to make your life more positive. [24]
  6. An important part of self-care is to spend some time alone. It may be difficult if you share a room or have children, but save some time for yourself. Solitude often helps you unwind , work through problems, reboot your mind, and discover yourself. Don’t feel guilty for wanting alone time. Spending time alone helps improve your relationships by prioritizing your happiness and allowing yourself to reset. [25]
    • It’s important to note that alone time doesn’t mean going on social media. Try to do things that enrich your life and make you feel good, like taking a walk or journaling.
    • If you struggle to find alone time, wake up before other people or spend your lunch breaks alone. Ask your partner to watch the kids for one hour each week, giving you time to get out of the house and spend some time alone.
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    Shared experience and individuality are both important in a healthy relationship. "Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."

  7. Ravikant says, “You become your own bedrock when you love yourself.” Some people believe that happiness and love are only experienced through a relationship or that a bad relationship is still better than no relationship at all. Staying in a relationship that does not work does not respect you or your partner. Solitude is different than being lonely, and it is not worth succumbing to social pressure to fit in or feel complete. [26]
    • If you are unhappy or impatient being single, make the best of the situation. Pursue opportunities that are difficult to accomplish with a partner or a family. Travel, acquire lots of close friends, and enjoy your perpetual freedom.
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Section 3 of 4:

What is love?

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  1. It comes from kinship bonds and personal ties, sexual attraction, admiration, common interests, and more. It’s also an action that means to cherish or caress another person. [27] The Triangular Theory of Love is based on the idea that all relationships are based on different combinations of three components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. The types of love are:
    • Non-Love: No intimacy, passion or commitment
    • Liking: High intimacy, no passion, no commitment
    • Infatuation: No intimacy, high passion, no commitment
    • Empty Love: No intimacy, no passion, high commitment
    • Romantic Love: High intimacy, high passion, no commitment
    • Companionate Love: High intimacy, no passion, high commitment
    • Fatuous Love: No intimacy, high passion, high commitment
    • Consummate Love: High intimacy, high passion, high commitment
Section 4 of 4:

Benefits of Love

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  1. Love offers more than a warm feeling or butterflies in your stomach when that special someone comes along. Being in a healthy relationship has a positive impact on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. It’s important to build healthy interpersonal relationships that make you feel secure and supported – whether they’re romantic or platonic. Some of the health benefits of solid relationships include: [28]
    • A longer life expectancy: According to some studies, people who are involved in healthy social relationships generally live longer than those who aren’t. Being in a healthy relationship may even help lower your risk of heart attack, certain cancers, and catching pneumonia. [29]
    • Reduced feelings of depression: Men and women who maintain healthy relationships and friendships experience less depression and an increased sense of belonging. [30]
    • Lower blood pressure: At least one study has shown that people in healthy romantic relationships tend to have lower blood pressure than single people. This is especially true when they’re interacting with their partner. [31]
    • Less stress: Some experts believe that people who are in a committed relationship product less cortisol, which is a stress hormone. This means the emotional support that comes with a loving partner may help you deal with stress. [32]
    • Improved sleep: Because people tend to feel less stress in committed relationships, they’re more likely to experience better sleep and wake up refreshed in the morning. [33]
  2. While there are many benefits to being in a healthy relationship, there are also negative emotions associated with love. These feelings are often amplified by unhealthy relationships or situations where one partner feels more strongly than the other. [34] Negative emotions that may be associated with love are:
    • Anxiety
    • Sadness & Depression
    • Increased stress
    • Jealousy
    • Obsessiveness
    • Possessiveness
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201503/the-key-intimacy-any-relationship
      2. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-find-lasting-love.htm
      3. ↑ https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brain
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201402/5-reasons-why-receiving-is-harder-giving
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201303/10-factors-promote-intimacy
      7. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/the-importance-of-showing-gratitude-to-your-partner
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/relationship-help
      9. ↑ https://www.newleafresources.org/editoruploads/files/Building%20Partnership%20in%20Relationship.pdf
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-better-understand-your-partner
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-better-understand-your-partner
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/202102/when-perfectionism-harms-you-or-your-relationships
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/just-be-kind-the-only-relationship-advice-youll-ever-need/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201105/how-love-yourself-first
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201202/why-you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-about-stealing-little-time-yourself
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201401/3-ways-learn-love-yourself
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201504/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-gratitude
      14. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-happiness/200805/what-influences-our-happiness-the-most
      16. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201201/6-reasons-you-should-spend-more-time-alone
      17. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-find-lasting-love.htm
      18. ↑ https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love
      19. ↑ https://uthealthaustin.org/blog/health-benefits-of-love
      20. ↑ https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1511085112
      21. ↑ https://aspe.hhs.gov/reports/effects-marriage-health-synthesis-recent-research-evidence-research-brief
      22. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6374713/
      23. ↑ https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/5-benefits-of-healthy-relationships
      24. ↑ https://uthealthaustin.org/blog/health-benefits-of-love
      25. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4987042/

      About This Article

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      If you want to love your partner, embrace intimacy by daring to be vulnerable around them, even if it's scary. Learn to both give and receive love, and say "thank you" to show them you appreciate their efforts. If you want to love yourself, practice using positive self-talk and spend time doing things you love, like drawing or kayaking. For advice from our reviewer on how to love others despite your differences, such as opposing points of view, read on!

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