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Figure out if they swing the same way (and what to do if they do)
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Figuring out someone’s sexuality can be hard, especially if they’re your best friend and you’ve never talked about anything like that before. It can also be uncomfortable if they have a crush on you—or if you have a crush on them. No matter what the situation is, we’ve got all the answers to alleviate any awkwardness and preserve your friendship (or take it to the next level). We’ve interviewed licensed clinical psychologist Kateri Berasi to find the best ways to figure out if your BFF is gay. We’ll also cover how to deal with a crush on them or let them down easily if they have a crush on you.
Best Ways to Tell if Someone is a Lesbian, Bisexual, or Queer
- Bring up LGBTQ+ topics to see if they’re comfortable with them.
- Ask about their past relationships or crushes.
- Come out to them and see how they react to the news.
- Ask them politely if they identify as LGBTQ+.
- Respect their privacy if they dodge your questions.
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Section 1 of 3:
Figuring Out If Your BFF is a Lesbian, Bisexual, or Queer
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Ask yourself why their sexuality matters to you. It’s completely normal to be curious about your friend’s sexuality. However, Berasi says “Before talking with someone about their sexuality, ask yourself why you want to know this, and why it matters to you. Are you coming from an open or judgemental place?” [1] X Expert Source Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.- Berasi says “If you are inquiring due to a desire to find [a] connection or from a place of empathy or support, these are good indicators that your question is more likely to be well received and possibly helpful as opposed to harmful or hurtful.” [2]
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Expert Source
Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
- Berasi says “If you are inquiring due to a desire to find [a] connection or from a place of empathy or support, these are good indicators that your question is more likely to be well received and possibly helpful as opposed to harmful or hurtful.” [2]
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Kateri Berasi, PsyD
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Explore your best friend’s comfort level with LGBTQ+ topics. How do they react to fictional and real-life same-gender couples? Do they support gay rights? [3] X Research source If they seem accepting, this doesn't mean they’re a lesbian—but they may be more likely to be understanding if you ask them if they are. If they react to the topic with revulsion, they’re probably not openly LGBTQ+.
- One way to bring this up is to mention that you're thinking of attending a Gay Straight Alliance event, which only "outs" you as a straight ally.
- Some people raised in homophobic environments express negative views on LGBTQ+ issues even if they’re queer. If your friend seems defensive or is sending mixed signals, they may need more time to work out their sexuality.
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Ask about their past relationships or crushes. The next time you’re dishing about your newest relationship or talking about the celebrities you find attractive, pay attention to who they mention. You can also say something like, “I’ve been single forever, what about you?” [4] X Research source
- If your friend doesn’t talk about liking women or if they’ve dated men in the past, they could still be LGBTQ+. They may just not be comfortable coming out yet.
- If you identify as LGBTQ+ and you feel ready to come out, you could even talk about a queer or lesbian celebrity you find attractive and see how they react.
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Come out to them and see how they react. If you identify as LGBTQ+, you already have a good way to test the waters. If you’re ready, and you trust your best friend completely, consider talking to them about your sexuality. That way, they know it’s safe to come out to you if they’re ready. [5] X Research source
- If you have a crush on your best friend, Berasi recommends having “general discussions with them about sexuality… This way, they will become aware that you are interested in same-sex relationships and/or sexual activity, and hopefully, you can get a better sense of their own interest.” [6]
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Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 September 2021. - However, this doesn’t mean you have to come out. If you’re not sure you can trust them or there’s a risk you could be harmed or thrown out of the house, it may be safer not to share. [7] X Research source
- If you have a crush on your best friend, Berasi recommends having “general discussions with them about sexuality… This way, they will become aware that you are interested in same-sex relationships and/or sexual activity, and hopefully, you can get a better sense of their own interest.” [6]
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Expert Source
Kateri Berasi, PsyD
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Ask them politely if they identify as LGBTQ+. Although you can try and guess if your BFF is queer based on context clues, it’s often better to just ask how they identify. Just make sure you do it in a place where you’re not around other people. If they trust you and are already out to themselves, they might share their sexuality with you. [8] X Research source
- Say something like, “So, do you date guys, girls, or both?” or “Hey, I’m curious if you identify as LGBTQ+?” You can even ask directly, “Are you gay?”
- Create a comfortable environment beforehand by showing support for LGBTQ+ issues.
- If they do come out to you, thank them for having the courage to tell you and offer to support them if they decide to come out to others. [9] X Research source
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Respect your friend's privacy if they dodge your questions. Try not to tell other people that you think your friend is LGBTQ+ if they haven’t come out yet. Your best friend's sexuality is their own business, and it’s not your information to share. In some situations, it may even be dangerous for them to come out. [10] X Research source
- If your friend does open up about their sexuality to you, ask if they’ve come out to anyone else yet. That way, you’ll know who is safe to talk to and who isn’t.
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Section 2 of 3:
What to Do If Your Best Friend Has a Crush on You
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Look for signs that your best friend has feelings for you. Depending on what your relationship is like, it can be difficult to tell if your BFF likes you as a friend or something more. For example, your friend might just be super touchy. However, if they’re showing multiple signs, it may indicate that they do have feelings for you. [11] X Research source
- They send you more texts or messages than you send them.
- They regularly ask you if you have a crush on anyone.
- They seem to never approve of anyone you like or are dating.
- They always invite you to hang out one-on-one.
- They give you super intense or detailed compliments.
- They find excuses to touch you.
- You catch them staring at you a lot.
- They remember the little things (like the show you’re watching or your hobbies).
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Address their feelings and let them down gently. Find a time when the two of you are completely alone to tell tem you don’t feel the same way . When the moment is right, tell them that you’ve gotten hints that they might have feelings for you and that you don’t feel the same way. [12] X Research source
- You might say something like, “I’ve been noticing that you’ve been paying a lot of attention to me lately, and I just want to be honest and say I’m not interested you in that way. I think you’re amazing, though, and I still want to be friends!”
- If your friend tells you they like you directly, Berasi says, “Tell them you’re flattered but you’re straight! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.” [13]
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Expert Source
Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 September 2021. - You can also try dropping hints that you wouldn’t be interested in her, like "I really want to keep you as a best friend. Can we stay that way?”
- If it turns out that your BFF doesn’t like you that way after all, try to laugh it off and make a joke out of it so they don’t feel too awkward.
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Clear up any mixed signals. If you have cuddled, kissed, or done anything else with your best friend that could lead them on, stop and think about why you did it. If you are not interested in dating your friend, these behaviors might confuse them. [14] X Research source Try not to engage in any activities that may be mistaken as romantic, and set new boundaries with your BFF.
- Say something like, "I think we should stop (cuddling/having sleepovers/etc.). I don't want to send you the wrong signal."
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Spend some time apart and decrease your communication. If it turns out your friend was interested in you, they’re probably a little heartbroken right now. Try not to contact them for a while so they can heal and sort out their feelings. [15] X Research source When you both feel ready, ease back into the friendship with short, low-pressure meetups, like a half-hour lunch in a public place.
- If your friend is questioning their sexuality, this may be a very difficult time for them. Try offering them LGBTQ+ support resources, or encourage them to talk to a counselor.
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Support your friend no matter what. Mental and physical health outcomes for non-heteronormative people improve with a stronger, accepting support network. [16] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source If they are your best friend, your friendship does not need to change. Support them, be an ally, and try not to let their feelings or sexuality change what you have.
- Feeling confused or uncomfortable with the situation doesn’t make you a bad person. However, it can be a sign to work through your feelings so you can support your friend without any reservations. [17] X Research source
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Section 3 of 3:
Dealing with a Crush on Your Best Friend
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Consider whether it makes sense to let your feelings go. There’s always a chance that your friend doesn’t feel the same way, they’re not interested in a relationship, or the awkwardness of your confession makes it hard to recover your friendship. [18] X Trustworthy Source Go Ask Alice Medical advice site with content written by health promotion specialists affiliated with Columbia University Go to source If your friendship matters to you more than the chance of exploring something more, it may be best to move on. [19] X Research source
- Think about why you’re into them. If you like them because they’re filling a void in your life or they’re an escape from your current relationship situation, it may be best to not confess how you feel.
- If you decide to move on, treat yourself with compassion. Try to give your friendship a little space and spend time with other friends or family or engage in hobbies that don’t include them.
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Talk to a friend you trust about your feelings. If possible, talk to another trusted friend about the situation (preferably someone you can come out to or have already). They might be able to tell whether your friend is interested in you or they can talk you through your feelings. [20] X Research source
- If you identify as straight and your best friend isn’t attracted to your gender, lean on your friends and family and try to move forward .
- If your best friend is LGBTQ+ and has come out to you, it may be best to talk to someone who doesn’t know them personally so you don’t risk outing them to others.
- If you don’t have someone to confide in, try reaching out to an LGBTQ+ person you know and like on an app like Lex or social media.
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Drop subtle hints that you like them and see how they respond. Dropping a few flirtatious hints can be a good way to test whether they like you back without having to dive straight in. For example, if the two of you usually hang out with a big group of friends, ask them if they want to meet up beforehand and see if the two of you connect differently. [21] X Research source
- Try saying their name a lot, offering to do things for them, texting them just because you’re thinking about them, or finding excuses to give them flowers or other gifts. [22] X Research source
- You can also look out for signs that they’re interested in you. See if they laugh at your jokes more than others, or if they reach out and touch you when it’s not necessary to do so. [23] X Research source
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Share your feelings in person or over text. If you’ve already dropped a few hints and gotten a good response, and you’ve emotionally prepared for all possible outcomes, share how you feel in whatever way makes you comfortable. You can even plan your conversation so you’ll be busy with other events after and less likely to obsess over their response (or lack of). [24] X Research source
- "I’ve been wanting to tell you that I have feelings for you, but staying friends is the most important thing for me. Is this something you’re feeling too?"
- "This might be super awkward, but I think I have a crush on you. I really don’t want to ruin our friendship. Is there any chance you feel the same way?”
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Leave the ball in their court and respect their decision. After you’ve shared your feelings, try not to make them feel like they have to respond. They may need time to think things through and sort out how they feel. [25] X Research source When they get back to you with an answer, try to respond in a kind and understanding way, no matter what they say.
- If they don’t like you back, things may be awkward for a while while you work on returning your friendship to the way it was. [26] X Research source
- Give yourself time to work through your feelings if your friend doesn’t feel the same way. Any emotions you feel are completely natural. [27] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it okay to ask your friend about their sexuality?Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.Most people are curious about themselves and how they relate and compare to others. Therefore, it is understandable to want to have an idea of the sexuality of important people in your life. And yes, it is always better to ask than to make assumptions.
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QuestionHow can I tell my friend that I know she is a lesbian?Community AnswerInstead of saying that you "know," say that you were wondering about it instead. Never assume you know unless the person has told you herself. Try saying something like, "I've noticed you've been showing a lot of support to the LGBT community. That's really cool!" This will show her you aren't homophobic and should open up a conversation. When she is ready, she will come out to you. Respect her and her sexuality.
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QuestionI have a crush on my best friend, but I'm too shy to tell her that I like her. What do I do?Firestar111Community AnswerYou don't have to tell her directly; just subtly hint to her using the methods above. When she starts to get the idea that you like her, make it more obvious. If she asks, tell her the truth.
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Tips
- Try not to rely on stereotypes to determine their sexuality. It’s better to ask them directly if they identify as LGBTQ+ than trying to guess based on their clothing, hair, or taste in music.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
- ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.bnl.gov/diversity/files/pdf/resources/transgender/is-my-friend-lgbtq.pdf
- ↑ https://gomag.com/article/how-to-tell-if-shes-gay-af/
- ↑ https://www.amoderngaysguide.com/how-to-tell-if-a-girl-is-gay/
- ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
- ↑ https://www.kent.edu/lgbtq/common-ally-questions
- ↑ https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/how-to-support-lgbtq-people-on-campus/if-someone-comes-out-to-you/
- ↑ https://www.hercampus.com/school/ucd/outing-its-upsetting-traumatic-and-dangerous/
- ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/news/a41645/signs-your-friend-has-a-crush-on-you/
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-reject-someone-nicely
- ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
- ↑ https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/lifestyle/article/mixed-signals-dating
- ↑ https://www.brit.co/how-to-deal-when-a-friend-has-crush-on-you/
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26298574
- ↑ https://reports.hrc.org/being-an-lgbtq-ally
- ↑ https://goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/should-i-tell-my-friend-im-attracted-him
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/falling-in-love-with-friend
- ↑ https://bi.org/en/articles/straightening-it-out-what-to-do-when-youre-crushing-on-an-unattainable-person
- ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/crush-on-friend
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/50-ways-to-tell-someone-you-li
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/50-ways-to-tell-someone-you-li
- ↑ https://www.campuswell.com/crush-on-a-friend/
- ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/a26324989/how-to-tell-someone-you-like-them/
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/falling-in-love-with-friend
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/rejection.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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The best way to tell if your best friend is a lesbian is to ask her about LGBTQ topics and try to gauge her response to them. If you think your best friend might like you, look for signs such as lingering touches or jealousy of your other friends. Also, if she contacts you a lot and is upset if you take too long to respond, she may want to be more than friends. When you notice these things, have a private talk with her and ask her honestly if she has feelings for you. Then, discuss whether you just want to be friends or would like to pursue a relationship with her. For tips on how to know when you should probably just respect your friend’s privacy, keep reading.
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- "I'm in love with my best friend, but I haven't told her yet. I'm hoping she's a lesbian, but this article helped me realize that it's not the end of the world if she's not. Based on the signs, however, I really think she is." ..." more
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