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When you’re much younger, an equal friendship with a parent is generally off the table. That’s because traditional child-rearing practices like setting and enforcing rules get in the way. However, as a kid, you can still work to build a better relationship with your mom or dad. Then, when you become an adult, you can strive to continue that relationship on more of an equal playing field. No matter what, this person is still your parent, so prepare to set realistic expectations about the friendship, too.
Steps
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Share a hobby. Common interests are one of the threads that help tie friendships together. If you want to befriend your parent, show interest in their hobbies or passions. [1] X Expert Source Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 August 2021. This allows you to spend more time with them and interact with them in a different way. [2] X Research source- Consider your parent’s hobbies. Find one that interests you and start doing it together.
- For example, if your dad likes fishing, you might purchase a fishing rod to join him.
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Communicate openly. One of the wonderful attributes of a friendship is the ability to express one’s thoughts, feelings, dreams and ideas. [3] X Expert Source Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 August 2021. If you’re hoping to be friends with your parent, open communication must be possible.- Start sharing more of your thoughts and opinions with your parent. For example, you might tell a story that you’ve never shared or ask their opinion on a political or philosophical position. [4] X Research source
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Include your parents in your life. Make an effort to involve your parents in your life, and the lives of your own children, if you have any. Invite them to family events, bring the grandkids for a visit, or plan a trip together with your parents.
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Be reliable. Good friendships require that you be a reliable companion. This means that you can’t bail on an outing at the last possible minute or completely forget to return your parent’s call. Peers your age may be more forgiving about such behavior, but your parent may not. Bottom line: try to be someone your parent can count on. [5] X Research source
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Listen . Active listening is a necessary component of a healthy friendship. You may groan because you’ve spent your whole life listening to your parent lay down the rules. However, listening as a friend is much different than listening as a child. [6] X Research source
- Try to really understand what your parent is trying to say when they speak. Paraphrase, validate their emotional experience and ask clarifying questions to be sure you get the right message.
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Offer and ask for advice. A friendship is a reciprocal relationship, which means it requires give and take. You’re probably already accustomed to getting advice from them, but you should also get used to handing out advice to your parent if you want to become their friend. [7] X Research source
- Are you unsure of what advice you could offer them? Millennials can help their parents learn to navigate new technologies and even introduce single parents to online dating.
- In a similar vein, reach out to your parent when you need guidance. Let them know that you don’t want them to fix your problem for you, but you would like some suggestions.
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Disagree, respectfully. Though it doesn’t feel good to fight with friends, it happens. You and your parent are bound to disagree, also. To respect their authority in your life, be sure to show deference when you disagree.
- For instance, if you were disagreeing with a normal friend, you might say, “No, you’re wrong.” With a parent, it may be more productive to say something like, “I disagree, Dad” to express your opinion respectfully.
- In a disagreement with a parent, use a neutral tone of voice as opposed to yelling, and get some distance if you become upset. [8] X Research source
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).It's fine to disagree—as long as you're respectful about it. Focus on sharing your thoughts clearly rather than assigning blame or making accusations.
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Express an interest in them. Kids are often so caught up in their own lives that they never even get to know their parents until they're much older. If you want to improve your relationship with your parent as a kid or teen, start taking an interest in your parent's job, interests, and background.
- You might ask questions like "So, Dad, what was it like for you growing up?" or "How was work today, Mom?"
- You might also connect with them by sharing an interest, such as watching the same TV show or going to sporting events together. [9] X Research source
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Spend quality time together. Building a relationship takes time, so use yours to get to know your parent one-on-one. [10] X Expert Source Mary Church, PhD
Research & Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 August 2021. When you spend time together alone, you can ask questions, learn their quirks, and develop your conversation skills.- Next time your parent is doing a task like picking up leaves in the yard, offer to help out so you can spend time with them.
- Create opportunities for quality time by making plans with your parents. For example, you might say, “Hey, Mom, want to go for a walk with me?” Use your time together to chat or have a heart-to-heart talk.
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Be affectionate. Many people think affection is reserved for romantic relationships. In reality, friends are affectionate toward one another, too. Decide on a level of affection that suits your parent’s style and regularly display it.
- Show warmth in the way you greet and interact with your parent, regardless if that means a slap on the back or a hug and kiss.
- Showing affection may also mean cheering them up when they’re down, or regularly saying “I love you!”
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Give them gifts. Most parents love getting gifts for their kids, whether it’s for a birthday or a holiday, to mark an important accomplishment, or just because. Show appreciation for your parents by giving them something, too.
- If you don’t have enough money to buy a gift, make something by hand, or surprise them by cooking a meal or fixing something around the house. Most parents will be thrilled by the thoughtful gesture!
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Support their goals. Friends support one another, so find ways to root your parent on. This may translate to getting over your feelings about them remarrying or helping out with a new business venture. Whatever the situation, look for opportunities to show your parent you’ve got their back. [11] X Research source
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Don't expect to be BFFs. If you're a child or teen, it's unrealistic to expect to be best buds with your mom or dad. It's hard to do that when they are still actively parenting you on a daily basis. It's more realistic to hope for a positive relationship with them in which you can confide in them and count on them to listen. It's also good if you two spend quality time together.
- As you grow older, you may notice the relationship changing into one more similar to a real friendship. But, don't expect this when you're young.
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Set healthy boundaries . Discuss the ground rules of the friendship early on to prevent complications. No matter how close you and your parent are, both of you should still maintain personal boundaries. These are guidelines that help both of you feel safe and comfortable in the relationship. [12] X Research source
- Sit down and have a discussion with your parent about boundaries. Share yours, and listen to theirs.
- For example, if you're an adult, you might express a boundary for your parent to call before visiting your home.
- Parents of adult children sometimes get pushy or over-involved out of good intentions. If your parent is overstepping their boundaries or behaving in a way that bothers you, respectfully let them know.
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Accept their faults. Unlike when you were a small child, you probably know by now that your parent isn’t the superhero you once thought they were. Parents are human, too, which means they make mistakes and have faults. If you want to develop a friendship with your parent, you must be willing to accept these shortcomings. [13] X Research source
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Expect one-sidedness. You might aspire to have a true friendship with your parent, but this friendship may never be one of complete equals. There is a power differential between a parent and a child, even when that child becomes an adult. There won’t be total reciprocity as with your other friendships.
- For example, although you might share secrets with your parent, they may not confide in you about everything. This is appropriate since confiding in children often leads to undue stress. [14] X Research source
- Also, unlike other friends, your parent may sometimes pull rank by telling you a decision or behavior is unacceptable, even when you become an adult.
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Maintain separate lives and interests. In order for parents and their children to have successful friendships, limits must be in place for the relationship. Neither you nor your parent should completely depend on the other for socialization. Consider this relationship a bonus in addition to those you have with peers your own age. [15] X Research source
- To prevent children and parents from becoming enmeshed, each should maintain their own separate social lives and interests.
- You may be in an enmeshed relationship if you find yourself neglecting other relationships, or if your mood and self-esteem are strongly dependent on your relationship with your parents.
- If you feel you are in an enmeshed relationship with your parents, practice spending time alone and building up relationships with others. If you’re really struggling, consider seeing a counselor.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat can I do to be more friendly with my parents?Dr. Mary Church is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Honolulu, Hawaii. With over a decade of clinical experience, she aims to integrate evolution, genetics, and neuroscience within the practice of psychotherapy. Dr. Church holds a BS in Psychology from Eckerd College and an MS and PhD in Experimental Psychology from The University of Memphis. She completed a Post-Doctorate in Clinical Psychology at The University of Hawaii at Manoa. In addition, Dr. Church is a member of the American Evaluation Association and Hawaii-Pacific Evaluation Association.Rather than focusing on the negative parts of your relationship, reflect back on the things that they've done for you and how they've shown their love so you're in a more positive mindset.
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References
- ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/how-become-friends-your-dad
- ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/aug/02/grownup-children-become-parents-friends
- ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/06/is-it-really-possible-for-parents-to-be-friends-with-their-kids.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/11-ways-active-listening-can-help-your-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/how-become-friends-your-dad
- ↑ http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-04-2013/parenting-adult-children-family-relationships.html
- ↑ http://www.parents.com/fun/sports/exercise/teach-your-child-to-love-a-sport/
- ↑ Mary Church, PhD. Research & Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
- ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/06/is-it-really-possible-for-parents-to-be-friends-with-their-kids.html
- ↑ http://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-04-2013/parenting-adult-children-family-relationships.html
- ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/aug/02/grownup-children-become-parents-friends
- ↑ http://www.parentingscience.com/parents-be-friends.html
- ↑ http://www.cbsnews.com/news/should-you-be-friends-with-your-kids/
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