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There is little doubt that being cheated on by your husband is one of the most painful of experiences you could be put through. Although it may be difficult to think straight in this trying time, careful preparation and thought are required to ensure that the confrontation is a success.
Steps
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Hide your suspicion until you're sure. Don't confront your husband until you are sure that he really is cheating. There are a couple of reasons for this:
- If you are wrong, and throw out an accusation like this, it could damage your relationship.
- If you are right, but don't know it yet for sure, it'll be your word against his should he decide to lie about having an affair.
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Gather evidence. Before you confront your husband, you need to be sure he is cheating. Do what you can to obtain evidence without infringing too much on his privacy. Keep an eye out for ways to gather information.
- For example, if he is checking his phone right in front of you, peer over and see if you notice him texting with a woman. See if the texts seem flirty or inappropriate.
- Try to see whether he smells of different kinds of perfume after he comes home.
- See if he openly communicates around you or whether he slinks off to the corner of the house to make phone calls or send text messages.
- Keep track of his stories and look for inconsistencies. It takes him effort to keep track of lies and he may make mistakes upon repeating a story about his whereabouts. Write down what he says so you're sure you aren't fooling yourself if you think he is changing his story.
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Assess your evidence. Before you confront your husband, review your evidence and make sure that it is enough so that he cannot lie his way out of having an affair.
- Based on the evidence you have, think about what he might try to say to convince you he is not actually cheating.
- For example, if you find some emails that are about him getting a drink with a co-worker and it seems flirty but it is somewhat ambiguous as to whether he cheated, ask yourself whether this combined with what else you know about the situation is convincing enough or whether you should wait to find out more.
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Get social support. [1] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020. Even suspecting your husband is cheating on you can be a very emotionally disturbing experience. Mitigate some of these negative feelings by letting in a trusted friend in on your suspicions before you confront your husband.- Your friend can offer you moral support to buffer against the stress and, possibly, guidance.
- Alternatively, some spiritual people find that religion can offer emotional support that helps individuals get through the pain of infidelity.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1125 wikiHow readers who’ve dealt with cheating, and 73% of them agreed that turning to God and religion is a helpful way to cope with your feelings after discovering an affair. [Take Poll]
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Know what you want should he be cheating. Before you confront your husband, have in mind a sense of what your game plan is should be confess. This will help you to remain focused and will set the tone for proceeding with conversation despite it being highly emotional. Ask yourself if you want [2] X Research source :
- The relationship to end?
- The relationship to heal?
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Avoid alcohol or other drugs. Although it may seem like a good time for some 'liquid courage', you want to be in a clear mental state when you confront your husband.
- If you confront him while you are intoxicated, you may become violent or not be able to remember the details of the conversation later on. Alcohol and other drugs have been implicated in many cases of domestic violence.
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Try to remain calm. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller suggests approaching the conversation in a neutral, non-accusatory way. [3] X Research source Although this is certainly easier said than done, do your best to not let things get escalated. Neither of you will be thinking straight and this may give him the opportunity to slam the door and run away. If you give him the opportunity to escape the conversation, he may be able to get the time he needs to concoct a convincing lie. Instead, bring the conversation up in a calm and collected way.
- For example, you might say, "I wouldn't throw this out there lightly, but I'm really worried that you've been showing behaviors that suggest to me that you may be having an affair and I want to talk about that with you."
- If you find yourself getting worked up, try taking a few deep breaths in and out.
- Try to remind yourself that although the pain may be near unbearable now, all emotional pain heals over time. [4] X Research source
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Avoid letting him make it about you. If he tries to turn the conversation to you, such as that you are crazy or invaded his private space, calmly state that his behavior gave you serious concerns and that the conversation you are having is about whether or not he cheated on you. Remember that it was your husband's decision to cheat, not yours. [5] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.- Try to be as rational and logical as possible and re-affirm that his behavior led you to become concerned and that you felt it was warranted to poke around given how serious cheating is.
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Ask him why he cheated. Try to get a sense of why he had an affair; there will generally be a reason behind it. [6] X Research source This will help you to decide whether you want to try to repair the relationship or whether it is time to let it go.
- Try to gauge whether he seems sincere; go with your gut instinct here. If it seems like he is just telling you what you want to hear, be wary.
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Re-assess what you want. Although you should go into the conversation with some sense of whether you want to end the relationship should he confess to cheating or try to repair it, re-assess this based on the conversation. According to psychotherapist Kelli Miller, cheating doesn't have to signify the end of a relationship—it can also be a really beautiful beginning. [7] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For example, if he admits to having a sex addiction and has convincing evidence that he in fact does and he genuinely wants to repair the relationship, you might decide to change your mind and attempt a repair [8] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source .
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If applicable, keep your children in mind. If you have children, be sure to confront your husband when they are away. This could be an emotionally damaging experience for your children to witness.
- If it is difficult to have the conversation away from them, go out for dinner with your husband. Instead of actually going to dinner though, find a quiet bench where you can sit and talk and have the conversation.
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Seek out a couples counselor. If you are having trouble talking about the infidelity with your husband, or if repairing the relationship is something you are considering, you may want to see a marriage counselor to help you work through your problems. [9] X Research source Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees that couples therapy can be helpful, since it offers a safe space to explore all that is going on. [10] X Research source
- To find a couples or marriage counselor try searching the internet with the terms "couples + counselor" in the search box.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat do you say to a cheating husband?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Talk to your husband about the issue without accusing him. If you feel like there's something wrong in your relationship, you should trust your gut. Even if he's not cheating, some open communication could help strengthen the relationship. Try saying something like, "I'm having some fears about you going outside the relationship. Can we talk about that in an open and honest way?"
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QuestionHow do I overcome insecurity after infidelity?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.The best thing to do is focus on yourself. Spend time with friends, join a club, or start volunteering. Doing these things can help improve your self-esteem and make you a stronger, more self-reliant person.
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Warnings
- If your husband becomes violent during the encounter, call for help by dialing 911.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-c-jameson/how-to-confront-a-cheating-spouse_b_4534619.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201406/5-tips-tough-conversations-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201310/7-practical-strategies-overcome-emotional-pain
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surprised-love/201201/once-cheater-always-cheater-maybe-not
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-sexual-behavior/basics/definition/con-20020126
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201005/adultery-what-should-the-betrayed-spouse-do
About This Article
Article Summary
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It can be really painful to find out your husband is cheating, but once you confront him, it should be easier to move forward and heal. Before you confront him, talk to someone for support since going through this alone can be scary. When you talk to your husband, try to remain calm and tell him your concerns. For example, you could say, “You've been acting strange lately, and it seems like you're having an affair. I'd like to talk about it." If he tries to turn the blame on you, remind him that the conversation is about whether or not he cheated. Although it may be hard, ask him why he cheated as well, which will help you work out whether or not you want to repair the relationship. To learn how to help fix a relationship after cheating, read more from our Relationship co-author.
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