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Are you trying to roll with the punches, but find yourself stuck as a third wheel? Maybe your best friend only has time to hang out if you tag along on a date. Perhaps you have a couple of friends who seem attached at the hip, making you feel left out. If you're married, your spouse's social life might be crowding you out. Whatever the case is, we'll help you deal with being a third wheel and share the best tips about how to be more included so you can feel like you really belong.
Things You Should Know
- Commit to hanging out with a couple when you're excited about it so their date feels like a blast to you.
- Invite a couple to a group setting, like a party, to turn the tables so they're your guests and you aren't their third wheel.
- Tell your friends when you feel left out and invest more time in them so you can maintain your connection.
- Bring up what makes you feel like a third wheel in your marriage. For example, say that your partner's social life takes up their schedule.
Steps
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Agree to plans when you’re in a great mood. If your friend calls you up and wants to include you in a fun outing, like a trip to the bowling alley or the movies, check in with yourself. See if you’re up to that type of hangout and if it sounds like a good time. If you’re excited by the idea, then plan to meet up—see the opportunity as a way to unwind instead of as someone else’s date. [1] X Research source
- While you’re out, bond over common interests instead of your romantic lives. For example, if you try out mini golf, then swap tips about techniques and how to keep your score low.
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Invite another friend along. When your buddy who’s in a relationship reaches out, float the idea of bringing someone else into the mix. Tell them that you think that this new person would add to the dynamic and that they’re always down for a good time. If you put together a whole crowd, there’s no chance you’d be a third wheel. [2] X Research source
- If everyone hits it off, then you might be able to plan more get-togethers with your friend. That way, it’ll be more natural for them to talk about group outings instead of dates.
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Get to know your friend’s partner. If you find that you are spending a lot of time with a couple, invest some effort in learning about whoever your friend is dating. You may find that you really enjoy their company as well. Once you've had enough conversations with this new person, you may feel excited that your buddy is dating them because you have more opportunities to see them.
- If it feels right, try hanging out with just your friend’s partner. You two might develop a strong friendship on your own.
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Include your friend and their date in your own plans. Turn the tables and reach out to the couple. Take the lead and suggest a spot that you’ll all love. For example, if you’re all really adventurous, bring up a few rounds of laser tag or an escape room. When you’re assertive, fun-loving, and energetic, it’ll seem like you’re the life of the party instead of a sidekick. [3] X Research source
- Reach out regularly and share lots of events with your friend and their date. When you’re outgoing and creative, it won’t seem like they’re the ones including you in their dynamic.
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Suggest that you all check out some festivals or parties. If you invite the couple to an event that's really crowded, like a concert or an amusement park, then it'll seem a lot less like an intimate date. The spotlight won't shine on just the two of them anymore, and the three of you can even make some new friends. [4] X Research source
- Be on the lookout for activities that require group participation. A round of beach volleyball, for example, doesn't exactly scream romance.
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Act positively. With the right mental framework, you can make someone else’s date a positive experience. Shift the mood from romance to friendly fun. Be chatty and engaging or try buying a round of drinks. If you put all your effort into keeping everything light, you’ll probably look back on the night as a good time and forget it was even a date. [5] X Research source
- Take charge right away and bring up ways to entertain everyone. For example, challenge your friend's date to a game of pool. You'll draw attention to how spontaneous you are.
- Smile, laugh, and crack jokes. When you're lively and sociable all night, you'll make anyone feel like they're lucky to spend time with you.
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Give your friend and their date space if they need it. If the couple wants to enjoy a lot of PDA, like cuddling or kissing, then let them do their thing and entertain yourself. Check your phone, text a friend, or see if you can occupy yourself some other way, like playing darts at a bar. You’ll send the message that you’re really independent, and the happy couple will probably respect how understanding you are. [6] X Research source
- If they also need some privacy to talk, excuse yourself and say you’ll give them a moment. If you’re polite and cheerful, the couple might realize that they should be more inclusive if they’re inviting you to spend time with them.
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Make sure you have reliable transportation. Sometimes, a couple might get a little hot and heavy or just a bit too sappy. If the two lovebirds only have eyes for each other, it’s totally fine to just hitch a ride or drive back to your place. Give a polite goodbye, then treat yourself. For example, play some video games with your friends. [7] X Research source
- Ultimately, it’s important to make sure your social needs are met and that you enjoy yourself.
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Arrange times to hang out with your friend one-on-one. If your best friend is in a romantic relationship, it may be hard to see them as much as you would like. Plus, when you do catch up, they might be with their partner. If you feel like you could use a little one-on-one time, talk to your friend and set up a time to hang out, just the two of you. [8] X Research source
- Try to call or text and find room in your schedules for lunch or coffee. If you plan a day in advance, it'll be easier to commit to it.
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Enjoy your independence. Your friend’s relationship might be a great time to do your own thing. Instead of spending all your free time with your friend and their partner, focus on what excites you and makes you happy. Prioritize your hobbies or pick up new skills. You might end up feeling relieved that your friend is busy with their love life so you can pursue your own passions. [9] X Research source
- Take some classes on your own, like cooking or karate.
- Enjoy peace and relaxation, like meditation or yoga.
- Pursue a fun challenge, like training for a race with some other friends.
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Encourage your friend's relationship. Let your friend know that you are there for them and that you have their best interests at heart. This will help strengthen your friendship and make things feel really natural when you hang out with the couple. The more you voice your approval of their love life, the less likely you'll worry that you're excluded—you'll be too busy feeling happy for them! [10] X Research source
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Find your own partner. One easy way to deal with being a third wheel is to move on and discover your own "special someone." Look at your friend’s relationship as an opportunity to find some romance. Try dating around a little and see what happens. You might just end up arranging some whirlwind double dates. [11] X Research source
- Your friend or their partner might even be able to set you up with someone.
- If you're not looking for a romantic relationship, try developing some of your other friendships. Also try to strike up conversations with people who share common interests—for example, join a book club and swap opinions with others.
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Tell your friends you feel a little left out. If you're part of a friend group and think that you're not included as much as you'd like to be, reach out and express yourself. They may not realize that they are excluding you and impacting how you feel. When you're open and honest about your perspective, you can all handle any miscommunication and make room for everyone. [12] X Research source
- Stay calm when you interact with everyone to keep the mood friendly. For example, say, "Hey! I just wanted to catch up and check in about last week's party."
- Then, share your concerns and offer a solution. You might say, "I feel like I just don't see everyone as much as I'd like to. Why don't we hop on a group chat tonight and plan something we can all do?"
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Invest more effort in maintaining your friendships. Your friends might be growing closer because you've been busy or a bit more distant. This is totally natural when you have groups of three or more people since everyone has different schedules. [13] X Research source To avoid falling out of touch with your buddies, make yourself more available. Let everyone know when you're free and reach out to spend more time with them. [14] X Research source
- Avoid skipping group activities. Your friends probably need to bond with you on a regular basis to maintain a connection.
- If your friends are going through a rough patch, hear them out. When you provide a listening ear, they'll value how emotionally involved you are.
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Schedule some group activities that include both friends. Organize some three-person activities that will require your involvement and interaction with both friends. For example, play some three-on-three basketball or a board game. When you come up with fun ideas that require a trio, you'll show that you're an important part of the dynamic. [15] X Research source
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Introduce your friends to some of your other buddies. Bring some new people into the mix and broaden your friend group. If you manage to get a whole crowd together, you'll have other people to hang out with, and your buddies might realize that they don't need to stick with just each other. This might change the dynamics so your friends are more inclusive and less focused on one-on-one hangouts. [16] X Research source
- Invite other people you know from work or school to social gatherings or parties. That way, your friends can mingle with other individuals you get along with. Your friends might start to feel like a stronger part of your inner circle.
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Branch out and find other people you get along with. Maybe your old friends are going in a different direction than you and have other goals. For example, they might like to go to all the same hangout spots while you love road trips and travel. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your same interests—you may find a new chosen family. [17] X Research source
- Join a club or group that's related to your hobbies. For example, take some tennis lessons at a local park. You'll probably meet someone there who you can be friends with.
- Once you "click" with some new people who are really invested in hanging out with you, you might not feel bad about drifting apart from an old friend group.
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Focus on yourself if your friends are still distant. If you aren't hearing back from your friends or they seem really busy, look forward to ways that you can prioritize your own self-growth. Think about what would make you happy and visualize the best version of yourself. When you put yourself first, it's impossible to be the third wheel. [18] X Research source
- Concentrate on work, school, or professional development. Some time alone might be perfect for building a new skill set or becoming more accomplished.
- Eat well and exercise in your free time. When you pick up healthier habits, your mood might improve right away. You may even attract new friends.
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Make a pact with your spouse to put each other first. To get your significant other to appreciate you more, focus less on critiques and more on praise. Let your partner know that you adore them and want to prioritize your marriage. Use positive language and remain kind. When you're upbeat, your SO will likely want to fight for your connection just as much as you do. [19] X Research source
- Bring up what makes you happy : " I really love our long chats. Why don't we carve out a date night every week ?"
- Tell them why your marriage matters to you : " I feel like we always want the best for each other. I want to stay a team so we can get the most out of life ."
- Give your partner positive feedback when they make an effort: " I really appreciate how you've been catching me up about your day every night! "
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Discuss the person or situation that makes you feel like a third wheel. Be open and transparent with your partner about your concerns. Set aside time to talk, then identify what you believe is pushing you aside, whether it's parenting responsibilities or your spouse's hobbies. Make sure that you also open up about how you've been negatively impacted. [20] X Research source
- Let them know if your family life puts a strain on you : " I feel that we're spread so thin looking after our kids that we never have time for each other. "
- Say if their social life makes you feel left out : " I totally understand if you need to catch up with your buddies, but I feel like I'm never included ."
- Point out if their interests have taken over their schedule : " I'm really glad you have a ton of hobbies, but it seems like you hardly come home these days ."
- If there's been infidelity in the past, address it : " I'm still struggling with the affair, and I feel really self-conscious lately ."
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Set boundaries in order to prevent you from becoming excluded. To establish boundaries , collaborate with your spouse to set up expectations and agreements. Make sure you both have input and that the limits you come up feel fair. When you're each part of the process, you'll create a respectful dynamic that honors your marriage. [21] X Research source
- Discuss what needs to be avoided: " We each agree that we won't spend every weekend of the month with our friends.
- Talk about how to enforce boundaries : " If you meet up with your ex-partner again, we'll need to go to marriage counseling ."
- Thank your partner for honoring commitments : " I can really see how much effort you're putting into our marriage ."
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Tell your partner when you need extra love or reassurance. If you still find yourself lonely or catch yourself missing your spouse, reach out. Let them know what would make you feel special and cherished. For example, say that you would love to stay in and cuddle. When you speak up regularly about your desires, it'll be easy to feel like you're valued in your marriage. [22] X Research source
- Find your love language and tell your spouse the way you receive care. For example, say that words of affirmation make you tick.
- If you've had a hard day, let your partner know you need to vent and express your feelings. When you're vulnerable, it may be easier to see that your spouse is always there for you.
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Focus on bringing passion and fun back in your marriage. Focus on ways you can make the honeymoon phase last forever in your relationship. To revive the "honeymoon stage," the ideal part of a dynamic when everything's hot and exciting, enjoy new and novel experiences with each other. If you make your marriage an adventure, you'll put a life of being a third wheel behind you. [23] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Focus on activities that help you get closer to your partner. For example, try out rock climbing or archery.
- Stay curious about your partner and ask them lots of questions . You'll find out there's always more to learn.
- Talk about how to enjoy sex in a long-term relationship so you both stay satisfied.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is a third wheel in a friendship?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).It is someone who hangs around a couple or dyad regularly or is asked to hang around them. They can often feel out of place. Sometimes, they invite themselves, and the couple or dyad feels intruded upon.
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QuestionHow do I stop being the third wheel?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).If you don't want to, just find other things to do or ask to bring along a friend of yours. You can also break up the evening early.
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QuestionWhat does being a third wheel mean?Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).It usually means that someone in the threesome is not happy about there being a threesome on a frequent basis. For example, your girlfriend's best friend who is going through a break-up may suddenly be on many of your dates.
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References
- ↑ https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/third-wheel-relationships-benefits
- ↑ https://sundial.csun.edu/88555/opinions/the-3rd-wheel/l
- ↑ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/08/24/i-actually-want-to-be-the-third-wheel-in-my-friends-relationships-heres-why/
- ↑ https://collegecures.com/2010/how-to-avoid-being-the-third-wheel/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/201601/fake-it-till-you-make-it-turns-out-be-good-strategy
- ↑ https://collegecures.com/2010/how-to-avoid-being-the-third-wheel/
- ↑ https://www.bedsider.org/features/1102-how-to-be-a-happy-third-wheel
- ↑ https://www.thegoodtrade.com/features/busy-friends-advice
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-become-more-independent-less-codependent
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201906/friends-have-more-say-in-your-relationships-you-think
- ↑ https://www.psychalive.org/starting-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/why-feeling-left-stings-and-healthy-ways-to-cope
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201210/feeling-conflicted-about-our-group-three
- ↑ https://greatist.com/happiness/how-to-make-keep-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201210/feeling-conflicted-about-our-group-three
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/open-gently/201304/make-new-friends-and-keep-the-old
- ↑ https://greatist.com/happiness/how-to-make-keep-friends
- ↑ https://thegritandgraceproject.org/life-and-culture/make-the-most-of-that-third-wheel-life
- ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201303/marriage-problems-heres-8-step-rescue-plan
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202011/how-set-and-respect-boundaries-your-spouse
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201512/4-ways-say-and-get-what-you-want-in-your-relationship
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-the-honeymoon-phase/
About This Article
Article Summary
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It can feel awkward or uncomfortable to be a third wheel, but you can make it work by communicating openly with your friends. Take the time to talk to your friends about what’s going on and let them know that you feel excluded. Try to be calm and reasonable, as they may not realize they are making you a third wheel. It can also help if you organize some group activities for you and your friends. Play a board game or three-on-three basketball so that everyone can feel involved. If you’re a third wheel in a romantic relationship, try to work on your own independence. When the couple is spending time together, use that time to do things on your own. Try out new hobbies or take classes in a skill you’ve always wanted to learn. You can also try to give the couple space. Let them initiate contact for a while so that they don’t feel smothered and have the time to work on their own relationship. For more advice on dealing with being a third wheel, like how to be supportive of your friend, read on.
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Reader Success Stories
- "At the moment I am a third wheeler. It's real awkward because I am friend with both people and I can't escape it in class, with them being quite inconsiderate, but this has helped me see some options on what I can do, really appreciate this article." ..." more
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"At the moment I am a third wheeler. It's real awkward because I am friend with both people and I can't escape it in class, with them being quite inconsiderate, but this has helped me see some options on what I can do, really appreciate this article."
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"My two best friends are leaving me out really badly and it hurts like mad. I wasn't sure how to cope and this article has really helped."
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