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What to do and say when a friend is avoiding you
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Having a friend abruptly stop talking to you can be confusing and painful—you don’t know what’s going on, if it’ll get better, or if the whole thing’s in your head. While it’s normal to feel upset and anxious when a friend ignores you, don’t despair: we're here to help you understand why they’re acting this way, what to say to them, and whether it’s worth it to try to repair your relationship, or if it’s best to move forward without them.
Things You Should Know
- Have a conversation with your friends about their behavior in a neutral space, where you all feel comfortable.
- Share your feelings using “I” language to avoid coming off accusatory. Tell them honestly (but not cruelly) how it feels when they leave you out.
- Actively listen to their response and try to be open-minded. They may not have meant to hurt you—but if they did, knowing will make it easier to move forward.
Steps
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Arrange to meet with your friends in a neutral place. It's important to plan your confrontation ahead of time. [1] X Research source Get in touch with your friends and ask them to meet you in a safe, private, and quiet environment that is good for talking, such as a cafe or classroom. Try to find a neutral space for the people you are confronting; don't invite them to your home, for example. [2] X Research source- To help you prepare emotionally and mentally, consider what you will say to them ahead of time, and try to anticipate how they may respond, but try to avoid dwelling over each possible reaction your friends might have. [3]
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- For instance, you might plan to say, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you all lately, and I was wondering if we could talk about it.”
- To help you prepare emotionally and mentally, consider what you will say to them ahead of time, and try to anticipate how they may respond, but try to avoid dwelling over each possible reaction your friends might have. [3]
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Invite them to share their perspective, and actively listen. Stop and allow your friends to explain the situation. Seek first to understand, and then be understood. Be specific in your phrasing and give precise examples of the behavior you want to discuss. For example, you could try asking them, "I noticed you all went out on Friday. You said you were going to text me about the plans. Why didn't you?"- Actively listen as your friends explain. [4] X Research source Maintain steady eye contact, keep your body turned towards them, and keep your arms and legs open, rather than crossed.
- Your friends' responses may surprise you—and they may also help relieve your stress! For instance, you may discover that they simply forgot to text you and that nothing hurtful or malicious was intended. Or perhaps they got kept at work and thought it was too late to get in touch with you.
- It’s also possible they have no excuses and have been deliberately ignoring you. This is hard to hear, but in the long term, you'll be glad you confronted them and heard the truth.
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Explain the situation from your point of view. State facts as facts and interpretation as your perception of the situation. Let your friends know how the situation made you feel and how you interpreted their actions. Be straightforward and use "I"-language to avoid the blame game. Examples of "I"-statements include: "I feel," "I am upset by," and "I am confused about." [5] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source- For example, you might say, "When I didn't get a text on Friday night, it made me feel like you didn't want me to come and were deliberating leaving me out."
- Be honest about your feelings without being harsh : focus on the issues, not your friend specifically. [6] X Research source
- If you feel like you are getting angry, upset, and unable to think clearly, then consider leaving the discussion and returning to it at another point. You don't want to say anything you'll regret later.
- In addition, if your friend begins to get angry or aggressive, it's best that you leave the situation before it escalates.
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Apologize if you're in the wrong. If you're being ignored because you hurt someone's feelings, then include a genuine apology when it's your turn to speak. Make sure to explain precisely what are you are apologizing for and avoid apologizing for how they interpreted your action, rather than the action itself.- For example, if you had said that your friend's job was stupid and that you'd never work there in a million years, don't just say, "I'm sorry that you were offended by my comments."
- This is considered a "non-apology apology" because it doesn’t take accountability for your actions, and it suggests that the person may have been too thin-skinned for taking offense. [7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- Instead, say, "I'm sorry I made those comments about your job. Those were offensive and hurtful. I know you're working really hard to pay for school, so that was insensitive of me."
- For example, if you had said that your friend's job was stupid and that you'd never work there in a million years, don't just say, "I'm sorry that you were offended by my comments."
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Work on a solution. Coming to a resolution together is usually the best option because sometimes what works well for one person may not work for another. [8] X Research source It may be as simple as making a promise with your friends to schedule more get-togethers or write down reminders so no one gets left out or forgotten. Be sure to tailor the solution to the particular situation and the reason for the isolation. For example:- If your friend has been isolating you because of a particular situation in her life, give them time and space to work through their own emotional issues. Be sure to let them know (via email, text, or a phone call) that you're available whenever they feel ready to talk.
- Avoid pressuring your friend to hang out; rather, reach out to them by letting them know that you miss them and value their friendship. As the saying goes, 90% of life is just showing up, or, in this case, making yourself available when your friend needs you. [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If you've been feeling ignored because of something you're going through, then let your friend know what you're going through and discuss ways in which you can maintain the friendship while you deal with this particular moment in your life.
- For example, if you've been really busy helping your ill mother and haven't been able to see your friends recently, ask if they'd like to come over one day so that you can both be at home with your mom and fit some needed time with friends into your schedule.
- If your friend has been isolating you because of a particular situation in her life, give them time and space to work through their own emotional issues. Be sure to let them know (via email, text, or a phone call) that you're available whenever they feel ready to talk.
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Continue with the friendship or move on. It is possible that the solution may be a difficult one. In some cases, friends outgrow one another. [10] X Research source Thus, if your friends confirm that they've been ignoring you because you just don't have as much in common together, it may be time to let those friendships go. If your friends don't validate your feelings or try to work out a way to improve the situation or the friendship, chances are that it's because they don't want to. Though it's a hard lesson to face in life, our friendship groups do change over time. [11] X Research source The good thing is that there is a whole world out there where you can make new friends !
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Reflect on your mood to make sure you’re not simply feeling ignored. Sometimes, when we’re feeling low, it’s easy to imagine others don’t care about us—even if the total opposite is true. If you’re feeling isolated lately, it's possible that the situation may have more to do with you and how you've been feeling in recent days than with your friends.- Consider whether you've experienced any significant changes in your life or stressful events, such as moving, starting a new school, or breaking up with someone. Stress in one area of your life can have an impact on other areas.
- For example, if you've recently changed schools, maybe you feel isolated from your friends because you don't know anyone at your new school and you no longer see them every day.
- To connect with yourself and tap into your emotions, try exercising, keeping a journal , or talking to another person you trust, like a friend or family member. Moving out of your current physical position and doing something else can bring about a shift in your mental state and help you reflect. [12] X Research source
- Consider whether you've experienced any significant changes in your life or stressful events, such as moving, starting a new school, or breaking up with someone. Stress in one area of your life can have an impact on other areas.
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Evaluate your interactions with your friends. It's possible that your friends may be going through something else in their lives that is affecting their friendships. Thus, they may not be intentionally ignoring you, but instead, they may be distracted by their own issues and unable to focus on you or give you a lot of their time. [13] X Expert Source Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.- Compare how much you and your friend used to interact with how much you've been interacting lately. Is it a drastic change? Also, compare how much you and your friend interact with how much they interact with other friends. Are they frequently hanging out with others but not you?
- Is it possible that your friend may be feeling offended or hurt by something you said or did? If so, they may be intentionally distancing themselves from you.
- Reader Poll: We asked 914 wikiHow readers, and 57% of them agreed that the most likely reason your friend might distance themself after a fight is because they need time to cool off . [Take Poll]
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Remember that you can't control the behavior of others. At the end of the day, while confronting your friend may help you understand the situation a bit better, it’s possible the friendship won’t be salvageable. You only have control over yourself and your own actions, and you can’t force your friends to talk to you if they don’t want to. [14] X Research source You can control, however, how you react to the situation with your friends. [15] X Research source- Everyone needs social support to stay healthy and happy. However, all too often people rely on others to affirm their own sense of self-worth.
- Instead, try to let your feelings of self-worth come from within. Whether these particular friends want to repair your friendship or not, it doesn’t take away from your value, and there are so many other new friends out there just waiting to be made. [16] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat can I text to my friend when they're ignoring me?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.You could text them something like, “I've tried reaching out a couple of times, maybe you're going through something that you're not comfortable sharing with me, or maybe you're just not up for connecting with me right now. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here, and I hope we can connect in the future.”
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QuestionIf my friend is ignoring me does that mean they're mad at me?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.Not necessarily—maybe they're going through something or they're just not ready to talk about something, so they're ignoring people. Try to remind yourself that maybe your friend is going through something and it may not be about you. You could just let your friend know that you're there for them when they're ready in case they need support.
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Tips
- Consider whether your friend has recently experienced a life-changing event (e.g., the divorce of their parents, a death in the family, depression, etc.) that may be impacting their ability to stay connected to friends.Thanks
- If your friends ignore you despite your attempts at reaching out, try to give them some time. When doing this, try some new hobbies or spend time with different people.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Remember, them acting different might have nothing to do with you at all. Just be patient with them and don't jump to conclusions. Consider hanging out with other friends in the meantime, or spend some time doing your own thing.
- Sometimes, others may be dealing with their own issues. In this case, let them know you're there for them if they need you, but give them the space they need.
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conflict-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/lifetime-connections/201508/how-confront-friend-who-really-needs-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201711/confronting-conflict-friends
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/lifetime-connections/201508/how-confront-friend-who-really-needs-it
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/its-ok-to-feel-grief-and-whatever-else-youre-feeling-right-now/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-honest-with-yourself
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/solution-focused-therapy/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201809/6-rules-healthy-friendships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201307/how-gently-let-go-toxic-friend
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/ready-set-journal-64-journaling-prompts-for-self-discovery
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201705/how-stop-worrying-about-things-you-cant-change
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/how-to-do-life/201405/when-youre-ignored
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/how-to-do-life/201405/when-youre-ignored
About This Article
Article Summary
X
To confront a friend who is ignoring you, start by arranging to meet in a calm, private environment, such as a café or classroom. Then, explain how you feel and ask them why they’ve been ignoring you. When you talk about your feelings, use “I” statements so they won’t feel attacked. For example, say something like, “I noticed you all went out on Friday and didn’t text me. I felt pretty sad and lonely and was wondering if there was a reason you didn’t contact me.” Once you’ve made your feelings clear, give your friend the opportunity to explain their point of view so you know where they stand. After they’ve shared their story, try to find a solution together, such as scheduling more time together, making a group chat so you don’t get left out, or giving your friend a little space to do their own thing sometimes. For more tips from our co-author, including how to move on from a friendship if they don’t want to spend time with you, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "Back then I had a best friend, she always used to be with me. Now she has a new best friend; I remember she said she will never leave me, but she usually treats me like the third wheel now. I just ignore it these days." ..." more
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"Back then I had a best friend, she always used to be with me. Now she has a new best friend; I remember she said she will never leave me, but she usually treats me like the third wheel now. I just ignore it these days."
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"My friend and I usually save a seat for my best friend, but today, she moved. We should be mad at her. She was my best friend and she told one of my friends, 'why did you talk to her', and she said, 'I forgot'. My "friend" said, 'I'm not her friend, don't talk to her. I'm not her friend'. My other friend that she talked to said my "friend" said this. She said she still is my true friend and that when stupid Cindy is around we have to act like we aren't friends. Now that is a true friend!"
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