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Everything you need to know about this fishy expression
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Does someone you know always seem to be looking for praise and boasting to try and get you to admire them? They might be fishing for compliments, and we’re here to help you understand their behavior. Fishing for compliments is fairly common, but it can also really grate on you when someone keeps doing it. In this comprehensive guide, we’ll walk you through the definition of fishing for compliments, all the signs and reasons why someone might be doing it, and show you healthy ways to deal with it.
Things You Should Know
- Fishing for compliments refers to people who try to get compliments from other people through attention-seeking behavior.
- Signs that someone is fishing for compliments include acting insecure, rejecting compliments, or outright boasting about an accomplishment.
- Respond to someone fishing for compliments by encouraging them to build self-confidence and stop seeking external validation.
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Section 2 of 5:
Why People Fish for Compliments
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They have low self-esteem and fish for compliments to cope. Low-self esteem can cause someone to rely on other people for external praise. When someone has low self-esteem, they might feel bad about themselves and unworthy of things like love and approval. This leaves them in a negative mindset, genuinely doubting their abilities until they find comfort by fishing for compliments. [2] X Research source
- Low self-esteem can come from a lot of different places, including childhood trauma (like neglect or abuse) and disorders like anxiety or depression.
- Sometimes, when a person with low self-esteem has a lot of insecurities, they develop an inferiority complex—a feeling of intense inadequacy. They might rely on compliments for validation that they’re actually good enough.
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They’re genuinely proud of themselves for something noteworthy. Even though fishing for compliments is usually negative, a sign of other issues a person might have, there are some occasions where it’s completely warranted! When someone makes an exciting achievement, it’s only natural for them to want to share their excitement—and that eagerness can cause them to fish for compliments. [3] X Research source
- Someone looking for a little recognition for a job well done might casually mention their achievement to get you to notice it or post about their success on social media to attract a wave of praise and well-wishes.
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They want to be the center of attention and get tons of admiration. Some people desperately want attention and take it upon themselves to attract attention by fishing for compliments. Attention-seekers do this in a number of different ways: they might act insecure, brag, or put themselves down to manipulate you into saying nice things about them. [4] X Research source
- For example, people looking for attention might say something like, “Ugh! Look at my hair, isn’t it so messy?” to try and make you notice their hair.
- Alternatively, they might chase your attention more openly by boasting, saying something like, “I can’t believe I got a promotion this week! I had no idea I’d get one so early in the year.”
- The attention-seeker may even be fishing for compliments because they’re jealous of the attention someone else is getting. They might redirect the conversation to themselves when anyone else gets more attention.
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They’re lonely and trying to cheer themselves up. When people feel lonely, it can lead to low self-esteem, sadness, and anxiety over time. Some people who don’t fish for compliments or chase attention normally might start because they’re lonely and don’t know how to deal with it. The validation they get makes them feel less alone. [5] X Research source
- If someone you know has been feeling down lately and suddenly starts fishing for compliments, it might be a sign that they’re feeling lonely and looking for attention to make them feel better.
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They may be narcissistic and want to feel superior to others. In some cases, people who fish for compliments have an actual personality disorder—like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD). People with those conditions typically find it hard to control their impulses and may show attention-seeking tendencies. [6] X Research source
- NPD is based on chronic low self-esteem. This can cause narcissists to take over a conversation so they can redirect all the attention back to themselves, getting extra praise.
- BPD is characterized by low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and unstable moods. People with BPD can have a drive for attention that manifests in disruptive ways; some even have angry outbursts at times.
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Past experiences have shaped their current need for compliments. Some people are so used to getting compliments and praise from others while they’re young that they grow to expect it later in life too. If someone’s parents often doted on them and complimented their looks or abilities, they might still expect to hear praise for those qualities as an adult and fish for compliments as a result. [7] X Research source
- For example, if someone got near-constant compliments on their looks throughout their life, they might grow to expect people to always praise their looks.
- If they suddenly weren’t praised as often, they might start getting people’s attention and fishing for compliments to make up for the perceived lack of interest earlier.
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Section 3 of 5:
Signs of Fishing for Compliments
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They feign insecurity so you’ll step in and reassure them. Sometimes, a person who is usually confident and outgoing around you might suddenly seem unsure and vulnerable. This is because they’re trying to get you (and other people around them) to reaffirm and boost their carefully concealed ego. [8] X Research source
- Someone acting insecure might talk about how nervous they are for an upcoming test and how they don’t know if they’re smart enough to pass it, even when you know they’re a straight-A student.
- Someone acting insecure may be trying to get other people to chime in and tell them how smart and capable they are by pretending to talk about their insecurities.
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They’re self-deprecating and downplay their good qualities. Some people fish for compliments by putting themselves down and insulting themselves to get you to step in and disagree. Alternatively, they might pretend to be ignorant about their best qualities—whether it’s about their looks, achievements, or personality—to get you to pile on even more compliments. [9] X Research source
- For example, someone fishing for compliments might show you a photo and say, “Ugh, I look awful in this pic,” to try and get you to deny it and tell them they look great.
- If they’re pretending to be ignorant, they might say something like, “I don’t think anyone really cares if I come, so I might stay home tonight,” to try and get you to remind them that people do actually care.
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They reject your compliments to try and get you to give even more. When someone is unsatisfied with the compliments they’ve already been given and wants even more, they might act like they don’t believe what you’re saying. By rejecting your compliments, they may be hoping you’ll keep trying to butter them up with even more enthusiastic praise. [10] X Research source
- For example, if you tell them they did a great job on a project, and they say something like, “No, I did okay, but it honestly could’ve been so much better,” they’re likely hoping you double down and keep praising them.
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They boast loudly about themselves to catch your attention. Some might try to score compliments by bragging openly about something they’re proud of—whether it’s the amount of money they have, one of their achievements, and so on. They may be hoping that by shouting out their virtues, you’ll take the hint and compliment them on whatever they’re talking about. [11] X Research source
- Someone boasting might say something like, “I just got a big raise last week. Isn’t that so cool?” to get you to respond and affirm how great they are.
- In some cases, people fishing for compliments might even exaggerate a story to make themselves look like the hero and attract more admiration.
- For example, rather than saying, “Our presentation was a huge success,” they might go further and say, “The rest of my team was scrambling, but I got our presentation on track, and we did amazing!” even if it’s not true.
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They ask leading questions and seek your opinion on things. If someone wants a compliment, they might ask a question that could easily trigger a complimentary response, hoping you’ll take the bait and praise them. They might even ask leading questions while acting insecure or downplaying their good qualities in hopes that you’ll answer their question with a compliment. [12] X Research source
- For example, they might show you their brand new outfit for a formal dinner and say, “I don’t know, I feel weird. Do I look okay?” in hopes that you’ll chime in with the reassurance that they look amazing.
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Section 4 of 5:
Responding to Someone Fishing for Compliments
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Offer them a genuine compliment if they truly deserve one. When someone’s achievement deserves recognition, compliment them. Odds are, they’re fishing for compliments because they’re proud of themselves and just trying to see if other people are happy for them, too—so there’s nothing wrong with chiming in and offering them some praise. [13] X Research source
- For example, you might say, “I have to say, you were really amazing in yesterday’s swimming competition! Congratulations on your 1st-place prize.”
- In that case, the person fishing for compliments really did win an award, which means they’re probably deserving of some praise.
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Ignore them to see if they’ll eventually give up and move on. If the person fishing for compliments is just doing it to get attention or for a similarly unhealthy reason, just don't humor them. If you don’t take their bait and give them a compliment, they might be able to take the hint and talk about something else for the time being. [14] X Research source
- You don’t have to ignore this person entirely right off the bat. Just don’t give in to their subtle demand for compliments and pretend you don’t notice the obvious baiting.
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Change the subject and redirect their focus onto something else. If ignoring the problem doesn’t work, try changing the subject . This might help the person fishing for compliments focus on something else and forget about their mission to get as many compliments as possible. Try thinking of something else for the two of you to talk about so the conversation doesn’t feel so irritating. [15] X Research source
- For example, if someone is clearly fishing for compliments, you might say, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask if you’ve seen any good movies lately? I need something new to watch!”
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Talk to them about what they’re doing and encourage them to get help. If they’re not receptive to subtle hints, it might be time to let this person know that you can tell they’re fishing for compliments. If it’s an issue, you can offer them some potential solutions to the problem: they can try practicing mindfulness and building their self-confidence, or they could even get to the root of the issue with a therapist. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Practicing mindfulness can help a person realize when they’re fishing for compliments, catch themselves, and correct the behavior over time.
- Developing a sense of self-confidence can really help combat feelings of low self-esteem, making people less likely to fish for compliments.
- If nothing else, speaking to a therapist can help them pinpoint why, exactly, they fish for compliments and develop healthier habits to prevent fishing for compliments in the future.
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Section 5 of 5:
How to Stop Fishing for Compliments
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Know your true worth and accept yourself for who you are. Do you think you might fish for compliments because you feel inferior to other people? If you struggle to accept yourself and don’t recognize your worth, it can be hard to feel like you measure up to anybody else. Focus on being your authentic self and celebrating your best qualities to gain an appreciation of your true worth. [17] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- When you know your worth, you won’t need to search for so much external validation. Instead, you’ll be able to remind yourself of how great you really are.
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Build your self-confidence. If you have a tendency to fish for compliments, focus on gaining a better sense of self-confidence, so you don’t have to rely on others for validation. A lot of the potential reasons someone might fish for compliments lead back to poor self-esteem and insecurities, so try building your confidence with daily self-care and countering negative ideas with positive self-talk. [18] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- The more you fight those insecurities with self-confidence, the less you’ll look to other people for praise!
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Practice daily affirmations to help you develop self-love. Reciting affirmations can actually change your thought patterns over time. Where before, they were negative and full of self-loathing, affirmations can train you to think nicer things about yourself. That way, you’ll be able to rely on yourself for happiness instead of depending on other people’s praise. [19] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source Self-love affirmations include:
- “I matter!”
- “I love who I am today.”
- “I will make myself proud today.”
- “I am whole and complete.”
- “I am a gift to this world.”
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Receive compliments gracefully (and give them in return). Rather than saying something self-deprecating when someone pays you a compliment, practice accepting the compliment with a simple “thank you” instead. Being able to accept compliments will help build your self-esteem, and it’ll also make you less likely to inadvertently fish for compliments by rejecting the nice things people say about you. [20] X Research source
- For example, say someone tells you, “Your eyes are so blue! They’re beautiful.”
- You might be tempted to say something like, “Ugh, I’ve never liked them. They’re a dull shade of blue.” Resist that urge and say, “Wow, thank you!” instead.
- Look for opportunities to give people compliments , too! You may find it feels way more satisfying to put positive energy out into the world instead of trying to get people to give it to you.
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References
- ↑ https://evolutioncounseling.com/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/caregivers/2015/09/10-signs-you-are-dealing-with-an-emotionally-needy-narcissist#3
- ↑ https://www.coaching-online.org/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/8494/attention-seeking-behavior/
- ↑ https://www.coaching-online.org/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/caregivers/2015/09/10-signs-you-are-dealing-with-an-emotionally-needy-narcissist#1
- ↑ https://www.coaching-online.org/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://evolutioncounseling.com/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://evolutioncounseling.com/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/attention-seeking-behavior/
- ↑ https://evolutioncounseling.com/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/attention-seeking-behavior/
- ↑ https://www.coaching-online.org/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://www.coaching-online.org/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://www.coaching-online.org/fishing-for-compliments/
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/fake-compliments/
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