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Learn to respect your besties & form deep bonds
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Girl code: the epic set of unwritten rules that protects your closest female friendships. But what exactly are the rules of girl code? And how can you be sure that you're following them? We've included everything you need to know below. Plus, we'll also go through the benefits of girl code and when it might actually make sense to make up your own rules instead. For the full scoop, read on!
Things You Should Know
- Girl code is all about respecting your besties: so protect their secrets, tell them the truth, and support their decisions.
- In general, girl code discourages you from pursuing people who your friend has an emotional investment in, like their crushes and exes.
- Girl code is also about how you should treat other women. For example, girl code says that you shouldn't insult girls who haven't hurt you.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Top 10 Girl Code Rules
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Don’t go after a friend’s ex or crush. This is a big one—the idea is that your friendships are sacred, so you should try not to let a guy come between them. When someone dates a friend’s ex or crush, the pain it causes can be immense. That’s why this rule is so important to girl code: if you want to prioritize your friends and forge deep bonds, you should do your best not to hurt them (and if you date someone they’re emotionally invested in, you’ll almost certainly wound them). [1] X Research source
- If you feel yourself crushing on a friend’s crush, don’t pursue something with them right away—talk to your friend first: “I think I have feelings for Otto, too. You’re my first priority, so I wanted to talk it through with you.”
- With friend’s exes, talking with your friend is also super important. Make sure they're completely over their ex and are okay with it if you make a move. If they aren't, the more you reinforce the idea that this person is off-limits in your mind, the more likely you are to keep acting respectfully. If you struggle, remind yourself of how your friend would feel if you betrayed them.
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Keep your friend’s secrets. Trust is a big part of deep female friendships. You want to make sure that your pal always feels comfortable sharing things with you, even the things that make them feel vulnerable. So when they tell you confidential information, don’t talk about it with anyone else. When someone shares a friend’s secret, it’s sort of like saying: I care more about having an interesting gossip sesh than I do my relationship with you. [2] X Research source
- Get permission before you share their secret with anyone, even your partner or your bestie (I know, it's hard to keep things from your bestie, but you don't want to hurt your friend). Talk explicitly about who you can share things with and don’t make assumptions. That way, there’s no room for miscommunication!
- Whether she’s got a secret crush, an embarrassing story, or a hidden talent, keep it to yourself if you want to respect girl code!
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Be honest with her—always. It can be so hard to share tough truths with people we love, but girl code demands it! The whole idea is: wouldn’t you want to know? If you had salad in your teeth, you’d probably want to know. If the last outfit you tried on was cuter, you’d want to know. Even if it might cause you to shed a tear, you’d want to know if your crush was into someone else. So when you have info your bestie needs to hear, be sure to share it. [3] X Research source
- If you know that your friend’s partner has done something bad or disloyal, tell her. It can be so hard to know that you’re saying something that’ll hurt her, but she’d much rather hear it from you than find out later on.
- As long as you’re careful with your words and very gentle, then the truth can set her free. Just be sure to be as respectful as possible when you talk to her .
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Stand up for your friend when people cross her. Loyalty is a big part of being a great friend. You may not be a super confrontational person, but in general, defending a pal against her haters is a girl-code requirement. If some dude cheated on her, feel free to let him know he was disrespectful. If a girl is talking behind her back, tell her to can it. It can be scary, but if you love your friend, you’ll want people to treat her with respect. [4] X Research source
- When you defend your friend, focus on protecting her, not shaming others. So rather than name-calling and shouting, just tell the other person why what they’re doing sucks and that they should stop. “Hey, why are you gossiping about Leah? She’s one of my best friends, and that’s not cool. Cut it out.”
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Don’t try to outshine her—boost her confidence instead. Insecurity can make people do crazy things, including competing with people they care about. If a person feels bad about their looks, intelligence, or personality, they might feel a strong need to be better than the people around them (including close girlfriends!). But if you want to abide by girl code, you’ll avoid this at all costs. True friends don’t tear you down—they do whatever they can to uplift you. [5] X Research source
- Take flattering photos of your pal when she looks amazing and hype her up constantly: “Oh my god, girl. You look incredible in that dress!”
- When she talks bad about herself, be a voice of reason: “You’re not annoying! You’re like, the most lovable person I’ve ever met.”
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Support her decisions, but make sure she knows her worth, too. You know the age-old question: should you really support everything that your friends do? On the one hand, you want to respect her decisions and make sure she feels like you’re on her side. On the other hand, it can be tough to watch your bestie accept romances, friendships, and jobs that aren’t on her level. So to follow girl code, you should strike a balance. [6] X Research source
- Make sure she knows that whatever decision she makes, you’ll always cheer her on: “I’m here for you no matter what. If you really like him, then I’ll try to, too.”
- But on the other hand, be honest about what she deserves: “You’re a really special person, and you deserve someone loyal, so I don’t like that Thomas lied to you.”
- This does not extend to abusive relationships. If you’re worried that a friend is being hurt by her partner, reach out to a professional for more help.
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Be there when she’s going through something tough. Girl code doesn’t leave room for fair weather friends! True friends aren’t just there for the parties and nights at the club—they’re there when life gets tough, too. If your pal goes through a breakup, loses a friendship, or endures a rough patch, make sure that you’re there to support her . After all, that’s exactly the kind of friend behavior you deserve in return, too! [7] X Research source
- Ask how you can support her. By asking what can you do, you’re reminding her that she can count on you.
- Just be there. Sometimes, talking is too much. Even just your comfortable presence can make tough times bearable. Don’t underestimate that!
- Lighten her mood. She might just want to get her mind off things. Try cracking a joke, showing her a funny video, or telling her a story.
- Remind her of her worth . Sometimes, big events can shake our sense of self. If it seems like she’s struggling, remind her that she’s an amazing person.
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Get permission before you pursue her family member or friend. Great friendships are all about respect. If you end up catching feelings for someone close to your friend, make sure to run it by her first. Whether it’s her sibling, her pal, or her coworker, you dating someone who's ingrained in your friends life can be complicated. So if you acknowledge that fact and respect her enough to talk it through, it’ll show how much you care. [8] X Research source
- “Hey, so I have to talk to you about something. Lately, when we’ve been hanging out with DeShawn, I’ve been having some feelings. Can we talk about that?”
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Protect fellow girls when other people are creepy or unkind. This one relates to all girls, not just close friends. If you want to follow girl code, do your best to save others from stressful situations with guys. Maybe you notice that a guy just won’t leave a girl alone at the bar, but her body language is clearly saying I’m not interested. Here comes you to the rescue! You can always glide up to her side, pretend that you know her, and find a reason to go somewhere else: “Hey girl! Did you want to use the bathroom?” [9] X Research source
- Of course, if you get the sense that there’s a serious safety concern at play, then you shouldn’t insert yourself into the danger. Instead, call into your local authorities ASAP or find someone close by working security.
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Don’t rag on girls who haven’t done anything to you. Look out for your fellow ladies! This is a huge part of girl code: in general, do your best not to bring down other women. There are so many things that make being a girl in today’s world difficult. Why add to that for anyone else? Even if someone isn’t exactly your cup of tea, avoid actively gossiping, lying, or insulting anyone unless they’ve done something bad to you (or a fellow friend!).
- Respond carefully when other people gossip: “Oh, interesting. I don’t know her well enough to weigh in myself, but I hear what you’re saying.”
- For bonus points, find reasons to compliment random girls you meet. A quick “I love your shoes!” or “You’re so fun!” can make someone’s year!
- Reader Poll: We asked 111 wikiHow readers, and 51% agreed that when your friends are fighting, the best way to handle the situation is to try to stay neutral and provide a listening ear . [Take Poll]
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Community Q&A
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QuestionWhat if your friend is breaking girl code? Do I break girl code, too?Community AnswerDo not break girl code. You'll feel better about yourself in the long run.
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QuestionWhat happens if I have a crush on the guy my friend is dating?Community AnswerThat's a breach of girl code. Don't let anyone know, and hope it will pass. If it doesn't, maybe she will lose interest.
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QuestionIf I'm being too close with my friend's boyfriend, does it mean I'm breaking the girl code?Jade MakariCommunity AnswerNo, you are not. You guys can just be close friends. Just don't get too touchy, and don't cross the friendship line so that your friend remains your friend.
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about supporting your friends, check out our in-depth interview with Allison Broennimann, PhD .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201704/love-and-exile-decoding-the-many-rules-the-girl-code
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/be-good-friend-tips-wellness-peer
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/be-good-friend-tips-wellness-peer
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201704/love-and-exile-decoding-the-many-rules-the-girl-code
- ↑ https://studentaffairs.unl.edu/news/8-ways-be-good-friend
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/be-good-friend-tips-wellness-peer
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-makes-a-good-friend
- ↑ https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/advice/g229/dating-a-friends-family-member/?slide=1
- ↑ https://studentaffairs.unl.edu/news/8-ways-be-good-friend
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