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One minute your two-year-old is full of hugs, kisses, and laughter, and the next, they’re screaming on the floor in a tantrum. Sometimes you might not even know what triggered it. Tantrums can be really frustrating for you, but it can help to keep in mind that they’re very common in small children, and they tend to improve by the time your child is about 3 1/2. Just try to stay as calm as you can during the tantrum, then comfort your child when they start to calm down and try to identify triggers for tantrums so you can avoid them in the future.
Steps
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Distract your child to try to head off a tantrum that’s just starting. Sometimes, if you can see that your child’s mood is starting to deteriorate, you might be able to stop the tantrum in its tracks if you act quickly. Try changing your child’s location, for instance, or offer them a toy or snack that might take their attention away from what they’re upset over. It won’t work every time, but it’s worth a shot! [1] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For instance, if your toddler is upset because they want an older sibling’s toy, you might take them to their room and point out the different decorations on the wall, then offer them one of their favorite toys.
- Avoid offering anything that the toddler isn’t usually allowed to have, like your phone. The next time they want that item, they won’t understand why they can’t have it, and it’s likely to lead to another tantrum.
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Try to stay calm if the tantrum continues. It’s really hard to keep your cool when someone else is screaming at you, even if that person is your own small child. However, if your toddler sees that you’re upset, it’s going to be even harder for them to calm down, so even if you don’t feel calm, try to pretend that you are. No matter what your child is doing, try to speak in a soft, even tone, and keep your movements controlled and deliberate. [2] X Expert Source Sylvia Rath
Parenting Specialist Expert Interview. 18 May 2021. [3] X Research source- Try taking slow, deep breaths to calm yourself down if you start to feel your temper rising. [4] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Remind yourself that a tantrum usually occurs because your child can’t express what they need, want, or are feeling. That can help you feel more compassionate toward them, which can help you stay more calm.
- If you need to and you’re in a situation where you can, it can sometimes help to step away for a moment to settle your nerves. For instance, you might take a moment if your child is safely in their room or if there's someone else who can supervise them for a few minutes.
Tip: During a tantrum, your child might stiffen their limbs, throw themselves on the ground, run away from you, hold their breath, or even vomit. These can be scary, but they're all common in a tantrum. However, if your child is holding their breath until they faint or they’re intentionally hurting themselves or others, talk to your pediatrician—they may recommend an evaluation to rule out any psychological or physical causes for concern.
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Ignore the tantrum the best you can. Usually, the best thing you can do during a tantrum is to wait it out, unless your child is doing something that requires immediate attention, like hitting, biting or breaking things. If your child is just crying, screaming, and lying on the floor, sit or stand nearby and wait for them to get all of their anger and frustration out of their system. [5] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- You can talk to them later about how to manage their emotions better, but they probably won’t retain anything you say to them during the tantrum.
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Do your best not to give in to whatever they’re throwing a tantrum over. It can be really hard to say no sometimes, especially if you’re in public and you feel embarrassed by the tantrum. However, giving in will just make your child more likely to have tantrums in the future, because it reinforces the idea that if they scream and yell, they’ll get their way. [6] X Research source
- For instance, if they want a particular toy or a treat at the grocery store, don’t buy it for them.
- If they’re throwing a tantrum because they don’t want to sit at the table, it’s okay to leave for a moment to calm down, but then return to the table once the tantrum is over so your child knows they can’t get out of things by throwing a fit.
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Acknowledge your child's emotions to reassure them. While you don’t want to encourage a tantrum, it’s okay to tell your child that you understand how they’re feeling. Try using specific emotion words to describe what you think your child is experiencing. Even if it doesn’t calm them down right in the moment, you’re helping them build a vocabulary they can use to express themselves as they get older. [7] X Expert Source Sylvia Rath
Parenting Specialist Expert Interview. 18 May 2021. [8] X Research source- For instance, you might say things like, "I can tell you're feeling upset," or “I’m sorry that you’re so frustrated right now. I love you.”
- Empathize with their specific wants, for instance, "I wish we had chocolate cake, too. I'd love to eat cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but should I do that?" [9]
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Expert Source
Sylvia Rath
Parenting Specialist Expert Interview. 18 May 2021.
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Hold your child if they're hitting or kicking. If your child is lashing out physically, pick them up and hold them as securely as you can. If it’s possible, sit down so you’ll have more stability, since they’ll probably fight against you. Keep holding them until they start to calm down to ensure they don’t hurt themselves or someone else. [10] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For instance, if you’re sitting, you might place your child on your lap and hug them tightly to your chest. If you’re standing, you might hold them on your hip with one arm around their waist and the other hand around their shoulders.
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Take the child to a time-out if it escalates. If your child’s tantrum continues to get worse, try changing their environment. If you're at home, take your child to a designated time-out space. This should be somewhere without any distractions, like your hallway or the bottom of the stairs. If you're in public, go somewhere private. [11] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Sometimes, tantrums can occur because a child is feeling overstimulated. If that’s the case, changing their location can help them start to feel a little more calm.
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Reconnect with your child as they start to calm down. Even if you’re feeling a little frayed, try to take a moment to reassure your child once they start to get control of their emotions again. Wipe their tears, give them a hug, and let them know that you’re still there for them. [12] X Expert Source Sylvia Rath
Parenting Specialist Expert Interview. 18 May 2021. That will strengthen the bond between you, which can help them feel more secure. Over time, that might even help decrease the frequency and severity of their tantrums. [13] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source- Show your child compassion by saying something like, “Hey it’s okay. We all get upset sometimes. I still love you.”
- You can also ask them to use their words to express how they’re feeling. At the age of two, they might not have quite the vocabulary to do this yet, but it will show them that you care about them, even when they’ve been acting badly.
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Try to avoid situations that are likely to trigger a tantrum. Sometimes it can be hard to know what will make your child throw a tantrum—it can sometimes be something as small as handing them a blue cup when they wanted a purple one. However, try to anticipate what might be upsetting to your child, and come up with ways to side-step them whenever possible. [14] X Research source
- For instance, don’t give your child a toy that’s too advanced for their age, as they might become upset when they can’t work it properly.
- On an older sibling’s birthday, you might have a small toy wrapped for your two-year-old to open so they don’t get upset that they don’t have a present.
- It can help to avoid going down the toy or candy aisle in the grocery store if you think your child might throw a tantrum there, as well.
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Stick to a consistent daily routine as much as possible. Small children really benefit from a consistent schedule. That includes waking up, eating, napping, and going to bed at about the same time every day. By sticking to a schedule, your child learns what to expect from each day, which gives them a sense of order and control. That security can then cut back on tantrums.
- Doing this also helps avoid your child getting overtired or hungry because their naptime or meal came later than normal. [15] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Try to plan outings shortly after meals or sleep so your child isn't hungry or tired. Everyone gets a little cranky when they’re hungry or tired, but small children are especially vulnerable to this. If you know you need to run errands or you’re planning a playdate, try to schedule them right after your child’s normal meal or nap times. That way, your child will be well-rested and well-fed, which may help them fend off tantrums while you’re out. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- It’s also a good idea to pack snacks whenever you go somewhere, especially if you’ll be gone for more than an hour or two. For instance, you might bring along a banana and a juice box if you go to the park, or a small bag of crackers when you go to the store. [17] X Research source
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Avoid letting your child get overstimulated. If your child is in an environment that’s very loud, bright, busy, or crowded, they might start to feel overwhelmed. Since they won’t have the words to tell you how they’re feeling, this can lead to a meltdown. Try to evaluate whatever is going on around you, and if it starts to seem like too much for your child, step away with them for a moment. [18] X Research source
- When you’re out, pay attention to your child’s mood to gauge when they might be getting overwhelmed. If they start to seem withdrawn, sulky, or angry, it’s probably a good time to spend a few minutes elsewhere to quiet down.
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Give your child choices to help them feel more in control. Sometimes a child might have tantrums because they feel like they don’t have any control over their own environment. After all, someone else is always telling them what to (and not to) do. Help them feel like they have a say in things by giving them opportunities to make small choices throughout the day. [19] X Expert Source Sylvia Rath
Parenting Specialist Expert Interview. 18 May 2021. [20] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source- For instance, when you’re dressing your child, you might pull out two shirts, and say something like, “Do you want to wear this yellow shirt or this green one?”
- At snack time, you might offer your child a choice between an apple or an orange.
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Offer your child extra attention when they're being good. Sometimes tantrums are just a way to get attention—to a child, even negative attention is better than none. To help avoid this, look for examples of good behavior by your child. When you see your child being really well-behaved, praise them and give them extra attention to reinforce that behavior. [21] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- For instance, if you ask your child to do put away a toy and they do it right away, kneel down on the floor, give them a big hug, and say, “Thank you so much for being such a big helper! I’m so proud that you were a good listener!”
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I keep my child from throwing a tantrum while I'm on the phone?Sylvia Rath is a Parenting Specialist and the Director of Little Village Nursery School in Los Angeles, California. With over 30 years of experience, Sylvia guides parents through the preschool years and beyond by teaching respectful communication and positive discipline methods. Sylvia holds a BA in Psychology and Early Child Development from Antioch University. Before working at Little Village Nursery School, she taught preschool for eight years.Have some special toys in boxes that only come down when you are about to make a call. Set the expectation “Mommy needs to make a phone call now, and I can listen when I'm done. Meanwhile you can play with these. Where do you want to set it up?”
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References
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ Sylvia Rath. Parenting Specialist. Expert Interview. 18 May 2021.
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums
- ↑ Sylvia Rath. Parenting Specialist. Expert Interview. 18 May 2021.
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums
- ↑ Sylvia Rath. Parenting Specialist. Expert Interview. 18 May 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ Sylvia Rath. Parenting Specialist. Expert Interview. 18 May 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/toddler-tantrums.html
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums
- ↑ Sylvia Rath. Parenting Specialist. Expert Interview. 18 May 2021.
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
- ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845
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