PDF download Download Article PDF download Download Article

If you suspect that your partner is cheating and you’re considering confronting them, you might wonder what they’ll do—and if their reaction will give you the clues you’re looking for. Since everyone is different, there are a variety of ways they might respond. In this article, we’ll go over a few of the most common ways that cheaters react when confronted .

1

Cheaters may lie or deny what happened.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Lying is a common reaction to accusations of cheating. An unfaithful partner may completely deny what happened, or they may lie about specific details, such as how long the affair went on or whether it’s still happening. They might also say things to make you doubt yourself, like “You’re just being paranoid,” or “That’s crazy, why would you think that?” This form of deception is called “ gaslighting .” [1]
    • Spotting the difference between a lie and an honest denial can be tricky. If you don’t have strong evidence that your partner cheated, you may need to look for other signs that they’re lying.
    • Someone who is lying or hiding something might fidget, sweat, turn pale, or speak in a higher voice than usual. They might also either look away or make stronger, more prolonged eye contact than normal when talking to you. [2]
  2. Advertisement
2

They may find ways to avoid the topic.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Rather than answering your questions, they might fire back with a question or accusation of their own, or start an argument about an unrelated issue. [3] This tactic is a form of stonewalling (when someone refuses to communicate with their significant other in order to avoid dealing with conflict). [4]
    • For example, they may say something like, “Why can’t you just let me have a nice weekend? You’re always trying to pick fights.”
3

Some cheaters get angry when confronted.

PDF download Download Article
  1. When someone is feeling defensive , they may lash out. Don’t be surprised if they raise their voice, snap at you, or look irritated when you bring up the issue. [5] In fact, people who are being unfaithful to their partners often act unusually irritable or look for excuses to pick fights, even when you’re not directly confronting them about what’s going on. [6]
    • For instance, if you confront them, they might say something like, “I already told you nothing happened, so stop asking!” Or, “I can’t believe you’d say something like that! What’s wrong with you?”
  2. Advertisement
4

Many cheaters try to blame their partners.

PDF download Download Article
  1. It can be truly shocking to have your significant other admit to having an affair—only to turn around and blame the whole thing on you. But it’s not unusual for people to shift the blame to their partners in order to justify what they did and reduce their own feelings of guilt. [7]
    • For instance, they might say something like, “Well, if you weren’t so distant all the time, I wouldn’t have done it.” Or, “I only did it because our sex life has been so dull lately.”
    • They might also try to blame the person they had an affair with. For example, “He kept coming onto me. It was just too hard to resist.”
    Janis Abrahms Spring, Relationship Expert

    Confronting a cheating partner often sparks intense reactions—shock, denial, defensiveness, blame, guilt, remorse, promises to reform. Brace for unpredictable responses as overwhelming emotions erupt. Rather than make demands, create space for open dialogue about causes and concrete ways to nurture intimacy, trust and fulfillment moving ahead. With time and dedication, some emerge stronger.

5

Cheaters often make excuses.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Studies show that people who cheat use a variety of mental “tricks” to help them feel better about their behavior. One common tactic is to make up excuses. Just like shifting the blame, this is a way for the unfaithful person to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions. [8] Common excuses might include things like:
    • “It’s just something guys do. We can’t help it.”
    • “I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s all the stress I’ve been under at school, I’m just not myself.”
    • “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
  2. Advertisement
6

They may try to make the cheating sound less serious.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Minimizing is similar to making excuses. While an unfaithful romantic partner might admit what they did , they may then look for ways to make the cheating sound less serious than it actually was. For instance, they might say things like:
    • “It was just sex. It didn’t really mean anything.”
    • “It only happened a couple of times.”
    • “I don’t actually love her, so it doesn’t count.”
    • “That happened a long time ago.”
7

Sometimes cheaters play the victim card.

PDF download Download Article
  1. It’s natural for someone who’s had an affair to feel sad or remorseful about what happened. [9] However, some cheaters will take it a step further and try to make their partner feel sorry for them, or even try to make their significant other feel guilty for being upset. [10] For instance, they might say things like:
    • “Why won’t you stop punishing me? I already feel terrible about what happened.”
    • “You’re making me feel so bad about myself, like I’m a monster or something.”
    • “All I can say is ‘I’m sorry,’ but I guess that’s never going to be good enough.”
  2. Advertisement
8

The cheater may accuse you of cheating.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Turning the tables is a common form of deflection among cheaters. When you confront them, they may try to claim that you’re the one who’s been unfaithful—even if they have no evidence at all to back it up. [11]
    • For example, they might say things like, “Well, what about all the time you spend texting your coworker? Maybe I’m the one who should be worried.”
9

They might confess or apologize.

PDF download Download Article
  1. This is more likely if you have strong evidence of the affair, but they might also fess up simply because they feel bad. If your partner does confess, pay close attention to how they behave after that. Did they offer a sincere apology? Do you see evidence that they’re willing to change?
    • In some cases, your partner may take the confession as an opportunity to admit that they’re unhappy in the relationship and want to move on. However, this isn’t always the case. They may also ask for a chance to make amends and continue the relationship .
    • If they apologize, ask yourself whether the apology seems sincere. In a sincere apology , the person apologizing takes full responsibility for what they did and offers to try to make things right. [12]
  2. Advertisement
10

Stay calm when confronting them.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Unfortunately, there’s no guaranteed way to get someone to confess to cheating. They’ll be more likely to confess if you have clear evidence of what happened and you’re able to stay calm when you confront them. [13]
    • Try saying things like, “I believe this is a problem we can fix together, but it’s important that we be honest with each other. Please tell me what happened.”
    • Avoid making accusations that put them on the defensive, or focusing on the possible consequences of their actions. They’re less likely to confess if they’re worried about what will happen if they tell the truth.
11

Take time to decide what to do next.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful can be incredibly difficult. You might want to end the relationship, or you might want to try to make things work . Either way, it’s okay if you don’t know what to do right away. Give yourself time and space to think things over and decide what feels right to you. [14]
    • Sometimes it’s a good idea to take a break from the relationship while you decide what to do next.
    • If they admit what happened and give you a sincere apology, that’s a good sign that the relationship can be repaired. On the other hand, if they lash out or try to blame you, then it may be time to move on .
    • Reader Poll: We asked 978 wikiHow readers how they would respond if they discovered their partner was cheating, and most people ( 61% ) said that they would end the relationship immediately. [Take Poll] At the end of the day though, it’s up to you to determine what’s best for you and your relationship.
  2. Advertisement

Forgive & Move Past Betrayal With This Expert Series

It's hard to restore trust once it's been shattered, but it is possible. We've put together this expert series to help you move past betrayal and find the courage to forgive, rebuild, and move on.

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How would an innocent person react when accused of cheating?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    They would probably feel concerned and worried. It's very possible that the person wants to understand why their partner is curious if they're having an affair. As the accused, they would want to make their partner feel better.
  • Question
    How can you tell if someone is guilty of cheating?
    Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over twelve years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    The only surefire way is to get them on the act or get a confession. That said, there are a couple of signs that can point to cheating, such as taking their phone with them everywhere and locking it behind a password. Sudden changes in behavior are usually another telltale sign.
Ask a Question
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      About This Article

      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 242,746 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Anonymous

        May 14, 2023

        "Made me feel that I'm not paranoid."
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement