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It hurts when someone betrays your trust. Whether you've been betrayed by a family member or your best friend, a romantic partner or a co-worker, you can take some concrete steps to deal with the breach of trust, to start the healing process and feel better.
Steps
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1Feel your emotions. When you have been betrayed, you may be overcome with anger, grief, and humiliation. Holding in your painful feelings can have negative effects on your health and your relationships. When you have learned of a betrayal, take time to name the emotion without judgment. [1] X Research source This will enable you to work through it without turning it on yourself or others.
- It may help to write through your feelings. If you keep a diary or journal, try writing down exactly how you feel. If you don't keep a diary, write yourself a letter. You can also write a letter to the person or people who betrayed you, but wait a week before you decide to send it. [2] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Suppressing painful feelings can lead to health problems such as chronic pain, sleep deficiency, and even heart disease. [3] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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2Take time to yourself. It can be difficult to deal with betrayal when the person or people who have betrayed you are always nearby. If you were betrayed by a partner or a friend, ask them to give you space while you come to terms with what has happened. You might want to go away for a while. If you live with a partner who has betrayed you, you might want to ask them to find somewhere else to stay for a while, or to sleep in a different room. [4] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If the person who betrayed you is far away, take a break from correspondence. Tell them you will get in contact again when you feel ready to talk. If it feels helpful, set a date.
- Disconnect from social media. Take a break from websites that give you unwanted information about the people who hurt your feelings.
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3Do not rush a life-changing decision. Betrayal can turn your world upside down. When you have lost the trust you had for someone, you may be tempted to cut them out of your life entirely. Wait before you make any big decisions, such as filing for divorce, changing your job, or denouncing someone publicly, as your feelings may change. [5] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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4Avoid retaliating. If you feel in danger of physically harming yourself or others, immediately seek professional help. [6] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source There is no positive revenge. Revenge in the heat of the moment is something that you will come to regret later. Time spent calculating a deliberate revenge is time spent at the expense of your own emotional healing. [7] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Find someone you can speak with frankly. Discussing the betrayal with someone you trust can be healing. A good friend or a therapist can help you clear your head and decide what steps to take. Remember that one betrayal doesn't mean that you can't trust anyone. You might even come to trust the person who betrayed you.
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6Take care of yourself. Physical health will help you through an emotional time. Try to eat well every day and get a full night's sleep. Exercise will boost your mood and help you sleep. If you don't have a regular exercise routine, try going for a brisk half-hour walk each day. [8] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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1Try to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that you are condoning the act of betrayal. It means that you are choosing to move on from feelings of resentment. Forgiveness can lead to empathy and compassion for those who have betrayed you. It can also lead to a greater sense of personal peace. [9] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Forgiveness can have a positive effect on your health and wellbeing. Choosing to forgive a betrayal can lower your blood pressure, improve your heart health, and diminish anxiety and depression. [10] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Reader Poll: We asked 723 wikiHow readers who've been betrayed, and 56% of them agreed the best way to practice forgiveness is by praying for their partner. [Take Poll]
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2Let go of negative feelings. Focus on yourself instead of on the person who hurt you. Tell yourself you are not interested in letting the betrayal control your life or your happiness. When a negative thought comes to you, do not suppress it. Instead, greet it and tell it to leave. When it comes back, acknowledge and release it again. [11] X Research source
- If you are having trouble letting go of the negative feelings, return to your method of self-care. Try visiting a meditation or yoga class for help releasing your negative thoughts. [12] X Research source
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3State your forgiveness, at least to yourself. To forgive is an act of self-care. You do not have to voice it to anyone else. If you feel like sharing your new mindset, you can tell the person or people who betrayed you that you have forgiven them. If you are unable or unwilling to resume contact, stating your forgiveness to yourself can help you move on from the pain of betrayal. [13] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If you would like to share your forgiveness without confronting those who betrayed you, write a letter. If you find yourself growing angry as you write, keep the letter and try again when your anger has ebbed.
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4Forgive without rebuilding. You can forgive the person who betrayed you without rebuilding your relationship. Some betrayals of trust mean the end of a relationship. If the betrayal involved partner or child abuse, it is unlikely that trust could or should be restored. To forgive doesn't mean that you think the act was right or justifiable in any way. [14] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- If the person who has betrayed you has died or refuses contact, it will not be possible to rebuild a relationship. You will have to move forward into forgiveness without their help. [15] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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5Keep trying. If you are having trouble moving on, remember that forgiveness is a process. Big betrayals can define your life for a while, and it makes sense that they have to be forgiven multiple times. Even a small incident might need to be remembered occasionally before it stops hurting. Remind yourself that forgiveness is the goal. [16] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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1Express your experience of the betrayal. Once you have named your own emotions, you can express them to the person who has betrayed you. State your experience of the betrayal without trying to influence the reaction of the person or people who betrayed you. [17] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source Start your sentences with "I" rather than with "You."
- Practice saying it plainly: "I felt betrayed when you repeated something I told you in confidence." This will be easier for the person who let you down to understand than an accusatory statement such as "You betrayed my trust when you shared something I told you in confidence."
- Try writing a letter first. If you think your writing better expresses your feelings, you can read it aloud to the person who betrayed you, or ask that it be read before talking.
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2Ask for an apology. If you have decided to continue your relationship with the person who has betrayed you, you will need to know that they are ready to rebuild. If the person who has betrayed you is not ready to admit that they hurt you, or attempts to blame you for their actions, it is not yet time to rebuild trust. [18] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- "I" statements can help in this case, too. "I would really love to know that you understand why I am hurt." "I would appreciate an apology from you: it would mean a lot to me."
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3Reflect together on what happened. When all parties have agreed to rebuild trust, speak frankly and calmly about the hurtful events. Don't dwell on the parts that are hurtful, but make sure you share an understanding of what happened, why it happened, and why it hurt. [19] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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4Decide on your mutual goals. Find out whether or not you share the same desires for your relationship moving forward. Maybe you would both like things to return to how they were, or maybe you would like your relationship to take a different form. You might discover that you have different goals. Sometimes betrayal emerges from a relationship where one person has not been open with their needs. [20] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Positive change can come out of a reconciliation If you are work colleagues, for instance, you may need to work less together, or to work more closely on certain projects. [21] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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5Speak to a counselor together. If you are trying to recover from betrayal by a partner or another member of your family, you might want to visit a counselor together. Try to find a therapist who specializes in dealing with your particular situation. In cases of marital infidelity, seek a therapist who specializes in marital therapy. [22] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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6Be honest about the effects of the betrayal. Stay open with the person who betrayed you as you move forward. Share the fears that arise as a result of a betrayal, and listen to their fears in return. The best result of an unfortunate betrayal is a renewed commitment to a bond. [23] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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References
- ↑ http://mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/feeding-your-feelings
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20048149?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/fitness/in-depth/exercise/art-20048389
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-and-letting-go-of-negative-thoughts/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-and-letting-go-of-negative-thoughts/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/anger-management/art-20048149?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424?pg=2
About This Article
Article Summary
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If you've been betrayed, make self-care a priority by letting yourself feel whatever emotions you’re feeling. Take a break from social media so your betrayer's cute pictures aren't in your face, and spend some time alone to let yourself heal. Then, when you feel ready, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Take care of yourself physically, too, by eating well and getting a good night’s sleep. For more advice from our reviewer on recovering from betrayal through self-care, choosing forgiveness, and rebuilding trust, keep reading!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I personally turn to wikiHow whenever I'm having a hard time, because their articles always help me. I have been betrayed by a group of people that I have been with almost my entire life, and I am extremely hurt by it. But this article really made me feel better. The steps that they tell you to take actually work. Thank you so much. " ..." more
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"I personally turn to wikiHow whenever I'm having a hard time, because their articles always help me. I have been betrayed by a group of people that I have been with almost my entire life, and I am extremely hurt by it. But this article really made me feel better. The steps that they tell you to take actually work. Thank you so much. "
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"The articles and the following Q&A section covers pretty much everything related to the topic at hand, which is good. From accepting and dealing with the issue currently to how to recover and move on - two vital aspects to solving anything in life."
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"My former swim coach betrayed my swim team by letting us play games (we only got slower) and making us like him. He left to coach a different swim team a while back and I was sad and hurt. I no longer care and will ignore him at swim meets!"
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"I was cheated on by my spouse and she tried to have me keep the resultant baby. It helped me move on with her during the pregnancy. "
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