How Much Alone Time Is Normal in a Relationship?

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Your partner is your favorite person in the whole world—so why do you feel like you need time away from them? Craving alone time in a relationship can feel strange, but actually, it can help you create a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner and your family. In this article, we’ll tell you how much alone time you might need and how to get it on a daily basis so you can feel relaxed and refreshed.

This article is based on an interview with our love and transformation coach, Jennifer Butler, MSW, owner of JennJoyCoaching. Check out the full interview here.

Section 1 of 5:

Is alone time normal in a relationship?

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  1. In the movies, you might see couples who spend 100% of their time together without a break. In real life, though, everyone needs to take some time for themselves. If your partner asks you for alone time or you feel like you want to spend some time on your own, don’t worry—it’s normal to hang out on your own every now and then. [1]
    • Spending time by yourself lets you focus on your own needs and desires. People who spend more time on their own experience more growth and personal development overall.
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Section 2 of 5:

How much alone time do I need?

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  1. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to leave the house and go somewhere on your own—you might sit at the table and drink a cup of coffee by yourself, or bring a book to bed and read it on your own. These small moments of comfort will help you relax and come back refreshed. [2]
    • It can be scary to spend time on your own if you’re not used to it. The best thing you can do is push forward and face your fears. In time, it will get easier.
    • On the flip side, spending the majority of your time alone isn’t healthy, either. Balance is key here—if you feel like you and your partner never spend any quality time together, it’s time for a conversation with them.
  2. This 70/30 balance is a good way to break up your time without feeling overwhelmed. For instance, you might spend 4 or 5 days a week together with your partner and 2 or 3 days apart. That way, you’re both getting your needs met, and neither one of you feels lonely or stressed out. [3]
    • Some people also use the 80/20 rule, where 80% of their time is with their partner and 20% of it is on their own.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Scheduling "me time" is important! Take a look at how you're spending your time, and identify which commitments take the biggest drain on your time and energy. Don't hesitate to set boundaries if you're struggling to find time for yourself.

  3. You might need alone time every other day, while your partner only needs alone time once a week. Make sure you talk with your partner about your needs, and listen to their needs as well. [4]
    • Start the conversation by saying something like, “Hey honey, I wanted to talk about how much time we spend together. You know I love hanging out with you, but I think I need some alone time, too. It will help me decompress and be less stressed throughout the day.”
    • If your partner is the one asking for alone time, try to hear them out, and don’t take it personally. It’s not that they need time away from you, specifically—they need time away from everyone .
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Section 3 of 5:

Benefits of Alone Time

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  1. It’s easy to feel guilty about your need for alone time. However, spending time on your own leads to a happier, healthier you, which makes you a better partner. When you spend time alone, you have a chance to reflect on where you are in life and who you are as a person. You can use your alone time to think about your goals for the future and how much you’ve accomplished already. [5] To help learn more about yourself, you could try:
  2. You get time for self care. Doing something nice for yourself is a great way to relax and calm your nerves. It doesn’t have to be anything huge—even small things can help you reconnect with yourself. [6] You could try:
    • Making yourself a cup of coffee or tea
    • Going on a walk around the block
    • Soaking in a bubble bath
    • Reading 10 pages of a new book
    • Listening to music
  3. When you get some time alone, you can do the things that you really want to do. Use your free time to your advantage, and pick up a new hobby or skill (or enjoy the one you already know how to do). [7] Don’t have anything you love right now? You could try:
    • Doing embroidery
    • Hiking
    • Doing puzzles
    • Roller skating
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Section 4 of 5:

Signs You Might Need More Alone Time

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  1. Being around someone all the time (even your partner) can be tiring. If you constantly feel like you can’t catch up on sleep, it might be that you need to spend more time alone. [8]
    • This is especially true if you’re an introvert. Introverts rest and recharge by themselves, while extroverts get energy from being around other people.
  2. When you’re around people all the time, it can start to wear on your nerves. If you find yourself snapping at your partner or getting mad about little things, you might just need a break. Spend some time on your own to recharge so you feel more calm overall. [9]
  3. When’s the last time you did something nice for yourself without involving anyone else? If you can’t remember the last time you practiced self care, it’s time for some alone time. [10]
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Section 5 of 5:

How do you get alone time while raising a family?

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  1. Getting alone time when you have kids can be tough. Try to schedule in small, 20 minute breaks where your partner can take the kids. Then, go somewhere in the house where you can be alone, like your bedroom or the bathroom. [11]
    • Or, get out of the house by going on a short drive or a walk around the block.
    • An easy way to do this is to give yourself 30 minutes when you wake up and 30 minutes before you go to bed.
  2. It can be tough to remember to give yourself breaks during the day. Try setting 3 or 4 alarms on your phone to give yourself small breaks throughout the day. They don’t have to be long—even 5 minutes is enough to reset.
    • Don’t have a ton of time? Try taking 10 deep breaths to slow your breathing and calm your mind.
    • Or, go outside and look at the clouds for 30 seconds.
  3. Use your time to your advantage to feel refreshed and calm again. Instead of scrolling through social media or watching TV (activities which can actually leave you feeling more drained), do something you like that will soothe you. You might do a hobby, try meditation, do a craft, or exercise. [12]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-secret-lives-introverts/201712/7-ways-spending-time-alone-will-change-your-life
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy
      4. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/alone-time-when-in-a-relationship/10342330
      5. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8591032/
      6. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8591032/
      7. ↑ https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1017&context=familyperspectives
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-secret-lives-introverts/201712/7-ways-spending-time-alone-will-change-your-life
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-singlehood/202212/14-signs-you-need-some-time-alone
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-singlehood/202212/14-signs-you-need-some-time-alone
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-get-some-much-needed-alone-time-while-raising-a-family/
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-get-some-much-needed-alone-time-while-raising-a-family/

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