Whenever you first start a relationship with a girl you're attracted to, there's sometimes a tiny voice telling you that she isn't really into you and that this is a game to her. It’s natural to feel insecure when you’re putting yourself out there for someone, but being in a manipulative relationship can be very emotionally damaging. Pay attention to the signs that you may not be in a healthy relationship.
Steps
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Ask her how she feels about you. There are a lot of ways you can try to read the signals, but the easiest thing to do is just be upfront with the girl. Ask her if she really likes you, and don't be afraid to say that you feel insecure about it sometimes. If you do this constantly it might get on her nerves, but there's nothing wrong with asking her. Don't accuse her, just say sometimes you worry.
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Tell her how you feel about her. It may seem counterintuitive to open up emotionally to someone you think might be playing games with you, but it could be the perfect solution. If you are sincere and she knows how you feel, she'll be more likely to answer honestly. If she is playing games with you, she may recognize that this isn't a joke to you.Advertisement
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Let her know when you feel like she is playing games with you. Don't be passive aggressive, just tell her that sometimes the way she acts hurts your feelings. No one is completely heartless — if she's playing games with you she may stop because she knows that it hurts you. Once again, don't get angry. Just let her know calmly that it makes you sad when she acts a certain way.EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
Mind games can hurt relationships, and you shouldn't have to put up with them. If you feel like she's playing games with you, try to focus on what you both have in common and what brings you together, not potential power struggles. Strong bonds are built on respect!
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Consider how invested she seems in you. Does the attention she gives you constantly vary? Does talk about how she is attracted to other people constantly? Those might be signs that she isn’t that serious about the relationship. [1] X Research source
- However, sometimes her behavior may just reflect how comfortable she is in public. For example, if she’s way more emotionally available and affectionate when you’re hanging out alone it might just mean she’s shy around other people. Don’t be suspicious of that.
- Merely talking about other guys is not necessarily a bad sign. She may just have guys in her life who she's close to. However, if she routinely talks about how attracted she is to another guy (not you), she may not be into you.
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Pay attention to how she talks about the relationship. Does she deny being in a relationship with you to other people, even her closest friends? If she denies dating you when talking to her friends she might be acting in a manipulative manner.
- People sometimes like to keep their new love interests out of the spotlight in the event that you have no interest in them. However, once you're dating and everything is exclusive, there is no reason she should be worried to discuss you with her friends.
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Assess whether or not you feel safe in the relationship. [2] X Research source You should feel emotionally and physically comfortable in the relationship. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her or that you are always waiting for the next explosion, you may be in an unhealthy relationship. This is really a gut feeling, but you probably already know the answer.
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Notice how she interacts with your friends and family. In a healthy relationship, your partner should do their part to try to interact civilly with the important people in your life. If they are constantly putting down your friends and family they may be trying to isolate you from the people who matter to you. Whether they are doing this consciously or subconsciously, it is still manipulative and unhealthy. [3] X Research source
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Ask your friends for advice. If you’re being paranoid, your friends might be able to get you to stop worrying so much and tell you that you’re being crazy. If there’s fire behind the smoke, they’ll be honest with you. A lot of the time friends want to be supportive of their friend’s relationships even if they know something is wrong. You might have friends who were waiting to tell you that this girl was playing games with you. They were just waiting for you to ask because they didn’t want to offend you.
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Watch out for angry outbursts. If she frequently sulks when you disagree with her or when you tell her you're unavailable to do something with her, it might be time to get suspicious. If she seems upset when you don’t do her favors that’s a very bad sign. People are allowed to be upset, but they shouldn’t use their emotions to manipulate you.
- For example, if she gets upset when you don’t buy her meals or presents constantly, you should consider what her motivations are.
- Consider whether she is willing to return favors. People in a healthy relationship should be willing to make small sacrifices to support the other person. This doesn't necessarily mean spending money; it's an even better sign if she is willing to change her plans (within reason) to support you at important times.
- Reader Poll: We asked 1392 wikiHow readers, and 52% of them agreed that the biggest red flag that a girl might be using you is if you feel like she is with you for your money . [Take Poll]
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2Be wary of jealousy. If she tells you that you can’t hang out with other girls because it makes her worried, you should take a step back and assess the situation. It’s one thing for her to express that sometimes she worries about other girls, but it is entirely different to forbid you from hanging out with your female friends. That is considered manipulative and controlling. [4] X Research source
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Beware of blackmail. Hearing her say that she couldn't take it if you left her may seem flattering, but this is still blackmail manipulating you into staying. If she threatens to tell your family or friends about something you did unless you do what she wants, that’s the sign of an unhealthy relationship. If she tells you she is going to go out with their friends every night this week until you clean up the whole house, that is also blackmail. It may be more subtle than those examples, so take an honest look at her behavior.
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Don’t fall prey to guilt trips. It’s not healthy to constantly feel guilty in a relationship. If she often says things like, “I would never expect you to do something like that” or makes you feel guilty for hanging out with your friends because it makes her too lonely, you should take notice. Your partner should be supportive; she shouldn’t try to make you feel guilty.
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Pay attention if she demands that you give up your plans for her plans. If you wanted to go to watch a movie one night but she demands you throw a party at your house, or if she wants you to quit your job so that you can spend more time with her, she may be trying to manipulate you.
- Both of you are allowed to make reasonable requests to the other. The alarm bells should ring when she demands you change plans for a trivial reason, or gets upset when you decline.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat is an example of gaslighting?Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.Gaslighting is when somebody makes you feel like your feelings are wrong. Let's say that a woman is concerned about her husband staying out late—she might vocalize her concerns by saying "When you go out late and don't answer my texts, it makes me feel very insecure. I wonder what's happening and I get very anxious." Her husband would be gaslighting her if he responded with something like "You're being unreasonable" or "You're being irrational."
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QuestionIf you find yourself manipulating your partner, what can you do to stop this behavior?Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.You may be manipulative because these patterns worked in your family system and now that you are building a new family system with your partner, you are unconsciously trying to apply the old rules. It's best to realize that you are responsible for figuring out what need is unconsciously being expressed when you attempt to get what you want through manipulation. Then figure out what you need and ask directly for it.
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Tips
- The best attitude when beginning a relationship is to not obsess over it. Being in love is very exciting, but if you let it become the sole source of happiness in your life, it could also be your biggest downfall if the relationship fails later. Keep up with other hobbies/activities that entertain you, and try to keep yourself busy when you're away from her.Thanks
- If you come to the realization that the girl was indeed manipulating you, or simply wasn't interested, don't let it get you down. Keep in mind that despite how you currently feel, there will likely be another girl you find attractive soon enough, and perhaps better suited for you. The world is filled with girls, and the chances that you'll love only one is unlikely.Thanks
- You don't need to break off a relationship because a girl exhibits some of the behavior listed here. Have an open conversation with her about your concerns, and be on your guard for more manipulation if she proves unwilling to change.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-connolly-/in-or-out-5-questions-to-_b_6698426.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-connolly-/in-or-out-5-questions-to-_b_6698426.html
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-connolly-/in-or-out-5-questions-to-_b_6698426.html
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation/
About This Article
Article Summary
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Although you shouldn’t jump to conclusions, manipulative or controlling behavior from your girl may be a sign that she’s playing games with you. For example, does she constantly sulk or yell at you when she doesn’t get her way? Does she demand you give up plans with your friends because she doesn’t want to be alone? If so, your girl may be playing games in order to control you. Some games, like laying guilt trips, are more subtle. While you should feel guilty when you do something wrong, she shouldn’t be making you feel bad about things that are unreasonable, like not moving in with her because you’re not ready for such a commitment. If you’re still not sure whether she's playing games, go with your gut and trust when it tells you that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. For more advice, including how to talk to your girl about her manipulative behavior, keep reading.
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