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Discover the keys to a successful marriage
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As newlyweds, you and your spouse get to enjoy the wonderful honeymoon phase. As time goes on, it's natural for that spark to fade a bit and challenges to arise. And yet, you see older couples who still act like newlyweds after 50 years of marriage. What's their secret? Read on to learn how to have a happy, fulfilling, and joyful life with your spouse by your side.
This article is based on an interview with our empowerment expert, Nicolette Tura. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Keep the romance alive with regular date nights. Stay physically intimate with your spouse to communicate love and affection.
- Treat each other respectfully, and show each other gratitude when you do things around the house.
- Maintain separate friends, hobbies, and interests so you don't lose your identity. Talk to your spouse about these things so you can grow together rather than apart.
Steps
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Respect your spouse as an equal, individual partner. No matter how long the two of you have been married, you're still individuals with your own thoughts and feelings. After all, it takes two separate strings to tie a knot. Treat your spouse as your equal and don't make assumptions about how they'll feel about something—just ask! [1] X Research source
- Respect your spouse's privacy as well. They're still entitled to privacy even though you're married. If you go snooping, they'll feel violated and will likely think you don't trust them.
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Focus on the present and the future rather than the past. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. When you have a disagreement and come to a resolution, move on. Continuing to harp on the past isn't considerate of your spouse and their ability to progress and grow. [2] X Research source
- Part of keeping your relationship in the present is learning to forgive your spouse. Learn what you can from mistakes and let it go.
- Show forgiveness by not bringing up a problem again once it's been resolved. Continuing to harp on an issue tells your spouse that you're still holding a grudge.
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Listen to your spouse actively and pay attention to them. When you ask your spouse about their day, listen to what they have to say rather than zoning out. Show them that you actually care about what they're saying. [3] X Research source
- Ask open-ended questions to show that you're interested in what they're talking about. Having a conversation like this also helps you learn more about your spouse and their life.
- Avoid the impulse to try to fix every problem they bring up—sometimes they just want to vent. If you're not sure what they need from you, ask: "Are you looking for solutions or do you just need me to listen?"
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Make your spouse a priority in your life. Your spouse wants to feel as though they're more important than your job or other people in your life. This doesn't mean that your life revolves around your spouse—it just means that you think about them when making any decisions. How your decision will affect your spouse is just as important as how it will affect you. [4] X Research source
- For example, you might consult your spouse before you accept a new position at work. Talk about how it will affect your responsibilities and time commitment. This shows them that you prioritize them and care about their opinion.
- If there's a conflict between your spouse and your family, talk it over with your spouse so you can present a united front.
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Maintain strong communication with your spouse. Open and honest communication is important in any partnership, but especially in a marriage. Check back in with your spouse rather than letting things get swept under the rug—it shows that you truly care about them.
- When you have disagreements, stick to the topic at hand and avoid lashing out at your spouse personally.
- Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without blame. For example, you might say, "I feel upset when you don't reply to my texts," rather than saying, "You make me angry when you don't reply to my texts."
- If you feel yourself getting emotionally heated, take a time out away from the conversation and agree to talk about it later after you've cooled down.
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Keep marital confidences and avoid weaponizing them. When your spouse shares something with you that's private and personal, you betray that trust when you share the information with someone else. Likewise, bringing up something painful and personal in the midst of an argument makes your partner feel as though they can't trust you. [5] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- If your spouse tells you something deeply personal and then you turn around and use it against them in a later argument, they'll feel as though they can't be vulnerable with you in the future. This can seriously erode your emotional intimacy with your spouse.
- If you make a mistake and bring up something that you shouldn't have, be accountable for your mistake and apologize for it. For example, you might say, "I never should've brought up your sister. I know you're upset about that relationship. I'm sorry."
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Pay attention to your spouse's moods so you can respond supportively. Your spouse's body language, tone, and facial expressions can tell you a lot about what's going on in their head. When you show empathy , your spouse feels safe around you and knows they don't have to hide their thoughts or feelings. [6] X Research source
- If you're in a social setting and you notice that something about your spouse seems off, pull them aside and talk about it privately. Give them your undivided attention and support them if they're uncomfortable or want to leave.
- For example, you might say, "You seem tense lately. Is there something stressing you out that you want to talk about?"
- Empathy also plays a crucial role in your communication with your spouse. When you understand how they're feeling, you can respond to them more effectively. [7] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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Take responsibility for your own actions. Being accountable to your spouse is an important part of being considerate of their thoughts and feelings. While it can be difficult to admit when you were wrong about something, owning what you said or did is necessary for you to grow stronger and closer as a couple. [8] X Research source
- When you make a mistake (it happens!), apologize sincerely and talk about what you'll do to keep it from happening again. [9] X Research source
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Say "I love you" at least once or twice a day. When you make an effort to tell your spouse that you love them, they understand how much they mean to you. Make eye contact and say the words like you really mean them—not just as punctuation when they're headed out the door. [10] X Research source
- These words have a lot more meaning when you take time out of your day or your routine to deliver them. Your spouse will feel like they're important enough for you to drop everything—even if it's only for a second.
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Start and end each day with a warm hug or kiss. Starting your day with affection can lead you to feel more loving toward each other for the rest of the day. At night, make an effort to reconnect before you get into your nightly routine. If you're apart from each other all day, these little moments in the morning and the evening are precious—don't waste them! [11] X Research source
- Take the time to really kiss your spouse rather than give them a perfunctory kiss on the cheek—even if it's only for a few seconds. It can really ramp up the passion in your relationship.
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Plan couple time together to strengthen your connection. Both of you are busy and it's easy to let all of your work and family obligations get in the way of the two of you spending time alone. Build time into your schedule for the two of you to do things together, whether it's going for a walk, working a jigsaw puzzle, or just watching your favorite show on TV. [12] X Research source
- Even if you have little kids, you can still steal a few minutes of privacy together every once in a while. For example, you could play a quick board game together after the kids are in bed.
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Show physical affection toward your spouse. Physical intimacy doesn't just mean sex—it also means physical closeness generally. This could be as simple as touching your spouse's arm while you're talking or scratching their back as you walk past them in the kitchen. Sit together and touch each other often to keep your relationship close and intimate as well. [13] X Research source
- You do want to maintain a healthy sex life as well. That can be difficult if you have little kids, but open and honest communication is the key. Talk about your fantasies and share your sexual thoughts and interests with them regularly.
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Do little things to make your spouse smile and feel loved. Whether it's leaving a sweet note on the mirror before you leave for work or putting a load of laundry in while your spouse is still asleep, these little things help keep the love in your relationship. Remain just as attentive to your spouse after years of marriage as you were when the two of you were first dating. [14] X Research source
- When things get busy, it's easy to let these little things slip. Mention it to your spouse so they know you're not just ignoring them. You might say, "Things have been really hectic the past couple of weeks and I know I haven't been as attentive as usual. Can I make it up to you by taking you out to your favorite restaurant for dinner tonight?"
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Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. Never underestimate the power of simply saying "thank you" when your spouse does something that benefits you or the household. Showing your appreciation for everything they do is a great way to ensure they never feel as though you're taking them for granted. They'll know that you see all the effort they're putting into the relationship. [15] X Research source
- Another way to show your appreciation is to do things for your spouse as well. They'll understand how much you love and care for them if you do what you can to lighten their load.
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Surprise your spouse with small gifts or tokens of appreciation. Don't wait for a birthday or anniversary to get something nice for your spouse. If you're out and about and you see something that makes you think of them, buy it! They'll love the gesture and also be touched that you were thinking of them.
- Pay attention to what your spouse says and you'll have a thousand perfect gift ideas up your sleeve. For example, if your spouse mentions that their favorite mug broke, you might hunt for a replacement on the internet and surprise them with it.
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Help your spouse out when it's needed. Studies show that married couples consider sharing chores and household duties to be one of the most important things to a successful marriage. When things are hectic, stepping up and pitching in where it's needed without being asked shows that you care about your partnership. [16] X Trustworthy Source Pew Research Center Nonpartisan thinktank conducting research and providing information on public opinion, demographic trends, and social trends Go to source
- Don't ask, just do it! If you ask your spouse, they might deny that they need any extra help—even if you can tell they're stressed out or overwhelmed. But if you just do it, they'll feel loved and appreciate your effort.
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Maintain your individual hobbies and interests. Think about what lights you up and keeps you healthy—mentally and physically. When you live with intention and take care of yourself, your relationship with your spouse grows stronger.
- Spending time apart also helps you both appreciate the time you spend together even more. It's easy to take each other for granted when you're spending every waking moment together.
- Continue to build your own friendships and support network as well so you aren't relying too much on your spouse for emotional support.
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Use date nights to help keep the romance alive. When you were dating, you intentionally set apart time to see each other. Now that you're married, there's no reason for that to change! Schedule dates just like you did when you first started seeing each other so your relationship continues feeling exciting, sexy, and fun. [17] X Research source
- If you have little kids, you can still find time for a little romance at home—even if it's just cooking a new recipe together for dinner with romantic music playing in the background.
- If you're both spontaneous, you might look for opportunities to book a last-minute weekend trip or go out on the town together.
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Be willing to compromise and make sacrifices when necessary. Marriage means blending values, finances, sex, religion, family, and everything else. This also means there are two of you to consider, so you're not necessarily going to get your way all the time. When you compromise with your spouse, you show that you respect and love them. [18] X Research source
- For example, if your spouse is upset that they take care of most of the housekeeping tasks, the two of you might make a list of weekly tasks and assign them so that there's a better balance.
- Listen to your spouse's side without interrupting and validate their feelings so they feel heard. Then you can figure out what the best solution to the issue is.
- Remember that you're on the same team. When you and your spouse disagree on how to handle something, try to figure out what would be best for the two of you as a whole.
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Incorporate each other's friends and families into your lives. While you don't necessarily have to be best friends with your spouse's best friends, you do want to build a sense that you're all mutual friends. Couples who have a strong support network of mutual friends are more likely to stick together than couples who keep their friends and family separate from their spouses. [19] X Research source
- When your friends and families are more integrated, you all feel interconnected to and responsible for each other.
- If your spouse has particular friends or family members who are challenging for you to accept, talk to them about it. There might be some way to smooth things over so you can improve your relationship.
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Support your spouse in good times and bad. Getting married means you're together always, not just on the beautiful days when everything's picture perfect. Whether your spouse is dealing with a death in the family or questioning their career choices, be understanding and supportive. Let them know that they can come to you whenever they have a problem.
- Have compassion when your spouse is going through a tough time. If they seem negative, try to empathize with their situation and figure out what's troubling them rather than take it personally.
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Keep your expectations realistic. Not every day will be a walk in the park. Every couple has struggles and some days are better than others. There are going to be times when the two of you don't see eye to eye, but if you handle those conflicts with grace and compassion you'll come out the other side with an even stronger marriage. [20] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- It can be easy to get caught up in the fantasy that marriage is going to be a bed of roses, but that's just not reality. Accept the fact that you and your spouse are two flawed humans—no one, and no relationship, is perfect.
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Try to grow together rather than apart. As the years pass, you and your spouse will grow and change. You'll gather knowledge and experience and might even change your perspective on really important things—that's just part of life. Open communication helps you understand how and why your spouse is changing and what they need from you. [21] X Research source
- Be open and willing to grow and learn. Keep a beginner's mind and focus on improving yourself in life.
- Use routine and rituals to develop things that you can look forward to as a couple, whether it's holiday traditions, cheering on a favorite sports team, or watching new seasons of your favorite show.
Esther Perel, PsychotherapistRelationships are ever-changing. "A couple’s emotional life together and their physical life together each have their ebbs and flows, their ups and downs, but these don’t always correspond. They intersect, they influence each other, but they’re also distinct."
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do you survive an unhappy marriage?Allen Wagner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, California. After working as a therapist at the Children’s Bureau and Penny Lane Centers, he opened his own practice in 2008. Allen works with both individuals and couples and has 20 years of experience as a therapist. Allen specializes in helping clients improve their relationships, assisting people in managing life transitions, improving communication in all environments, and identifying realistic and positive goals. Alongside his wife Talia Wagner, he authored the book "Married Roommates". He received an MA in Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Film and Creative Writing from the University of Arizona.When I work with couples, I advise them to dedicate some time each week to go over schedules. This time can be used for planning out errands or talking about related matters. Doing this helps my clients to free up time each week for emotional connection because they don't have to use their alone time to talk about chores or other duties.
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Tips
- Maintain a balance between your marriage and other relationships so your spouse doesn't feel neglected.Thanks
- Always say "please" and "thank you" to each other. Courtesy shows appreciation and respect.Thanks
- Be open with your spouse and avoid keeping secrets from them.Thanks
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Warnings
- Avoid talking about past relationships with your spouse. You don't want to upset them unnecessarily.Thanks
- Never betray your spouse or cheat on them. Openness and honesty is the key.Thanks
- Don't covet other marriages that seem better than yours. Remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.Thanks
- Don't go to bed angry—resolve all issues at the time of the conversation so the problem is over.Thanks
- Once you've resolved an issue, don't bring it up again—leave the past in the past.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.symbis.com/blog/gimme-space-importance-respecting-spouses-individuality/
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-research-based-tips-for-a-happy-and-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/want-a-successful-marriage-spouses-should-do-these-10-things-for-each-other-ofte.html
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9216579/
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-research-based-tips-for-a-happy-and-healthy-relationship/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202011/how-set-and-respect-boundaries-your-spouse
- ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/3-tips-for-building-a-better-marriage
- ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/3-tips-for-building-a-better-marriage
- ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/3-tips-for-building-a-better-marriage
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/want-a-successful-marriage-spouses-should-do-these-10-things-for-each-other-ofte.html
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/repair-secret-weapon-emotionally-connected-couples/
- ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2016/11/30/sharing-chores-a-key-to-good-marriage-say-majority-of-married-adults/
- ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/3-tips-for-building-a-better-marriage
- ↑ https://www.symbis.com/blog/gimme-space-importance-respecting-spouses-individuality/
- ↑ https://open.lib.umn.edu/communication/chapter/7-4-romantic-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
- ↑ https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/want-a-successful-marriage-spouses-should-do-these-10-things-for-each-other-ofte.html
About This Article
Article Summary
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Living a happy married life involves communication, quality time together, and keeping the romance alive. Don’t assume that your partner knows how you feel about anything. Try to explain your perspective whenever possible and encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings so you can make sure you’re on the same page. Consider your partner’s point of view when making decisions so you don’t accidentally cause them any trouble. Don’t forget the small gestures that keep your romance alive every day, like telling your spouse you love them, leaving a cute note for them, or bringing home their favorite snack. It’s also important to make time for each other so you can connect and understand each other. If you have busy lives, try scheduling a date night every week or 2. For more tips from our Relationship co-author, including how to maintain your own personal life in your marriage, read on!
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Reader Success Stories
- "Being there to listen even if it's small talk helps. Showing love by doing little things in your every day life: kissing, date night, writing notes, washing clothes or dishes. The info I read was great, and something you can use as a reminder that people change." ..." more
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"Being there to listen even if it's small talk helps. Showing love by doing little things in your every day life: kissing, date night, writing notes, washing clothes or dishes. The info I read was great, and something you can use as a reminder that people change."
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