80+ Funny Long Jokes & Hilarious Short Stories

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Plus, learn how to tell a long joke and make it land
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Are you a fan of a longer joke that really packs a punch? If so, you’ve come to the right place! This article includes more than 80 long jokes and funny stories for kids and adults to help you make your friends laugh until their ribs ache. Plus, we’ll tell you why long jokes are sometimes funnier than short ones. We also spoke with standup comedian Kendall Payne for her expert advice on telling a longer joke so it lands.

Section 1 of 7:

Funny Long Jokes

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  1. 1
    Widower at the World Cup Final It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks the guy on the other side of the empty seat if someone will be sitting there. The guy shakes his head and says, “No. The seat’s empty.” The man can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The other guy says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” The man says, “I’m so sorry to hear that, buddy. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else to come with you? A friend, a relative, or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
  2. 2
    3 Nurses in Heaven Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner-city hospital,” she replied. “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You, too, may enter.” He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.” “Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.” “Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days.”
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  3. 3
    Golf Wife Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was out in the garage organizing his golfing equipment. His wife came to the door and after a long period of silence, she said, “Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. I’m sure you could probably get a good price for your clubs.” Tim got a horrified look on his face. His wife said, “Darling, what's wrong?” Tim shook his head and said, “For a minute there, you started to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “I didn't know you were married before!” He gave her a pointed look and said, “I wasn't.”
  4. 4
    European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2 The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop. He asks the assistant, “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2 ? I believe it was released this week.” The assistant checks the computer and then says, “Certainly. Would you like to listen before you buy it?” The expert replies, “Of course!” The assistant hands him a pair of earphones and puts the record on a turntable near the counter, and turns it on. The expert listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?” The assistant checks the turntable. “Yes, sir,” he says. “This is the European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. Let me skip ahead to the second track.” Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “This just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds.” The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle to the next track. As soon as the track starts playing, the expert throws off the headphones. “This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!” The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. “What seems to be the problem, sir?” The expert turns to him, red-faced and fuming. “This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!” The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. “I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side.”
  5. 5
    The Duck Hunter & the Farmer A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for a several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard. The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and and says, “What are you doing in my yard?” The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.” The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.” The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I've been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.” The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.” The hunter says, “Country style?” The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.” The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?” The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.” The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.” The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain. After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.” The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”
  6. 6
    A Lab & a Chihuahua Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar, and the lab owner says, “Let's get a drink.” The chihuahua walker says, “That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here.” Feigning offense, the woman says, “He's my seeing eye dog!” The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the drink. The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a drink as well. Again, the bartender says, “No dogs allowed in the bar.” The second woman replied, “He's my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender makes a face. “A chihuahua? Give me a break.” Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
  7. 7
    The Smartest Man Alive A small plane is flying from Dallas to Denver when the engine sputters and dies. The pilot runs out of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, opens the door, then says, “Sorry, there are only three parachutes left,” and jumps out. This leaves 4 passengers: a boy scout, a college professor, a priest, and a doctor. The doctor says, “Guys, I need to be saved. I heal people and am a valuable resource to the human population.” He grabs a parachute and jumps out. The professor says, “Well, I've won the Nobel Peace Prize and spoken to the leaders of the free world. The President of the United States has called me the smartest man alive. It is obvious I need to be saved.” He grabs a parachute and jumps out, leaving the priest and the boy scout… but only one parachute. The priest smiles sadly at the boy and says, “Son, I've lived a long and fruitful life. You are young and have the rest of your life in front of you. Take the last parachute.” The scout replies, “It's okay, Father. The smartest man alive just jumped out of the plane with my knapsack.”
  8. 8
    Sanity Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a man asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?” The director said, “Well, we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer the person a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.” The man nodded, “Oh, I understand! A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” The director frowned and motioned to the orderlies, “No, a normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
  9. 9
    Honest Job Applicant A guy goes into a company for a job interview. The interviewer asks him, “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?” The guy thinks for a minute and says, “I’m honest with everyone. I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest, no matter what someone asks me." The interviewer says, “I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness. In fact, I think it’s a great strength!” The guy looks the interviewer right in the eye and says, “I don’t really care what you think.”
  10. 10
    The Cure A lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems. “Yes, doctor,” she says. “I have to fart a lot. Fortunately, no one can hear them or smell them. In fact, I’ve farted twice since you came in and they were silent and odorless.” The doctor nods and says, “I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral. The medication will help your body produce less gas. The prescription will help you recover your sense of smell. I’m giving you a referral to an audiologist to see if they can help you hear better.”
  11. 11
    Stranded in the Desert Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them. One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. The first man says to the last man, “I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?” The last man replies, “If I get hot, I can just roll down the window.”
  12. 12
    New Fathers Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” The man says, “That's odd. I work for the Minnesota Twins!” Another nurse goes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” The second man laughs and says, “That's weird. I work for the 3M company!” A third nurse goes up the third man and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!” He says, “That's strange. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” As soon as he says that, the last man starts groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. The man says, “I work for 7Up.”
  13. 13
    Favorite Patients Five surgeons were talking about their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.” The second surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” The third surgeon says, “You have to operate on electricians. Everything inside them is color coded!” The fourth surgeon smirks and says, “I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.” After quietly listening to the entire conversation, the fifth surgeon pipes up and says, “I like engineers because they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”
  14. 14
    Double Positive An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room said, “Yeah, right.”
  15. 15
    Long Life A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she finally died peacefully in her sleep. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Section 2 of 7:

Funny Story Jokes

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  1. 1
    2 Campers & a Bear Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” The first guy gives him a long look and says, “I don’t need to outrun the bear. I just need to outrun you.”
  2. 2
    12 Shots A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, “Why are you drinking so fast?” The guy wipes his mouth and replies, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.” The bartender asks, “What do you have?” The guy says, “75 cents,” and runs out the door.
  3. 3
    The Meaning of Definitely A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. A student in the front raises her hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher says, “Well, that isn't entirely correct because sometimes it's gray and cloudy.” Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.” The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn't get enough water, it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either.” Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks at Billy and says, “That isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion, but… no.” Billy replies, “Then, I definitely just pooped my pants.”
  4. 4
    The Patient Truck Driver A truck driver is starving and stops at a biker bar to eat. He goes inside, sits down at the bar, and orders a beer and some food. Right after he’s served, a biker gang enters the bar, eager for a fight. One walks up to the trucker, and slaps his hat off. The trucker takes a sip of beer. Another biker swats his food off the bar. The trucker takes another sip of beer. So a third biker grabs the beer and pours it over the trucker’s head. The trucker gets up, pays the bill, and leaves. The biker leader says, “That trucker sure wasn’t much of a fighter.” The bartender glances out the window and says, “He’s not much of a driver either. He just smashed his truck into a row of motorcycles.”
  5. 5
    The Prince A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?” And the lady said, “Sorry, can you repeat that?”
  6. 6
    Fat-Free Fries A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. “Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. “Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.” The cook said, “Sure they are! We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”
  7. 7
    Fast Snail A snail goes to buy a car. The salesman is surprised when the snail picks out a fast, expensive sports car. He’s even more surprised when the snail requires that a big red “S” be painted on both sides. “Why would you want such a thing?” asked the salesman. The snail replied, “I want people to say, ‘Look at that S car go!’”
  8. 8
    Cold Water John visited his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate and asked, “Are these plates clean?” His grandpa replied, “They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.” For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked. Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!” Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John said, “Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!” Grandpa turned to the dog and said, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
  9. 9
    Expensive Art A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
  10. 10
    Tough Old Broad Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today. When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
  11. 11
    Long Walk A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, “How long will it take me to get to the next town?” The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, “About 20 minutes!” "Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?" The farmer cocked his head to one side and said, “Didn't know how fast you could walk.”
  12. 12
    Castaway A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” The captain squints at the island and says, “I have no idea, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
  13. 13
    Catch of the Day A young man passing a bar sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, invites the woman in for a drink. After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, enjoying their drinks, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
  14. 14
    The Boy & the Barber A young boy walks into a barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch this.” He holds a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other, and asks the boy, “Which one do you want?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “Told you,” says the barber. “That kid never learns.” Later, the customer sees the boy eating ice cream. “Why do you always take the quarters instead of the dollar?” The kid smiles: “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over.”
  15. 15
    Sick in Church A child was in church with their mother when they started to feel sick. “Can we leave now?” They asked. “No,” their mother said. “But I’m going to throw up,” the child insisted. “If you have to, go throw up outside behind a bush.” The child left and returned a few moments later. “How did you go outside so fast?” their mother asked. “I didn’t have to go outside,” the child said. “There’s a box in the lobby that says ‘For the Sick.’”
  16. 16
    New Dentures A man caught a really bad flu. As he was recovering, his friend came over to bring him some soup to help him feel better. As soon as the friend walked through the door, the man coughed so violently, his false teeth shot across the room and smashed to pieces against the wall. “Oh, dear,” he said, “what am I going to do? I can’t afford a new set.” His friend patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’ll get a pair from my brother for you.” The man thanked him, and the friend said goodbye. The next day, the friend came back with a bright and shiny set of teeth, which fit the man perfectly. “This is wonderful,” said the man. “Your brother must be a very good dentist.” The friend shook his head. “Oh, he’s not a dentist. He’s an undertaker.”
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Section 3 of 7:

Funny Short Story Jokes

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  1. 1
    Big Cavity The dentist told his patient to open wider. “My goodness!” he said. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve seen, the biggest cavity I’ve seen.” “OK,” said the patient, “but I’m already scared enough. Did you need to repeat yourself?” “I didn’t,” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”
  2. 2
    Asking God for a Penny A guy asks God, “Is it true that a billion years to you is like a second?” “Yes,” God replies. “And a billion dollars is like a penny?” “Also true.” “Then… can I have a penny?” God smiles. “Sure. Just a second.”
  3. 3
    The Man & the Snail A guy is watching his favorite TV show when he hears a knock at the door. Swearing to himself, he gets up and answers the door. There’s a snail on the porch looking up at him expectantly. The guy picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Then he slams the door and goes back to watching TV. Three years later, the guy is watching TV again when there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail looks up at him and says, “What the hell was that all about?”
  4. 4
    Complimentary Peanuts A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few seconds, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “I like your shirt!” The guy looks around, but there’s no one else at the bar besides him and the bartender. Again, he hears the voice say, “You have beautiful eyes!” The guy asks the bartender, “Is that you?” The bartender replies, “No, it’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
  5. 5
    Kicked Out A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.” He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
  6. 6
    Christian Bear A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, “Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, please let this bear be a Christian!” The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive….”
  7. 7
    Pray for Parking A guy is late for an important meeting, but he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”
  8. 8
    First Child A pregnant woman starts to have contractions at home. Her husband freaks out and immediately calls the doctor. “Doctor, help! My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” The doctor days, “Is this her first child?” Frustrated, the man shouts, “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
  9. 9
    A Long Sermon A pastor moved to a new church and decided to impress the congregation with a long sermon. Just when he reached the middle, a man stood up and walked out without a word. After the service, a woman approached the pastor, “I’m so sorry my husband walked out of your sermon,” she said. The pastor smiled at her and replied, “ Well, it did confuse me. I worked very hard on that sermon, and it felt a little disrespectful.” The woman shook her head emphatically. “He meant no disrespect, but he’s been sleepwalking ever since he was a child.”
  10. 10
    Complaint Letter The mayor of a small town received a complaint letter from a member of his community. After taking the letter from the envelope, he noticed there was only one word on it: “Fool!” The mayor furrowed his brow and said, “Hmm. They signed the letter, but what’s the complaint?”
  11. 11
    Whiskey Straw A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. He asks for a straw, and the bartender says, “Don’t worry, these glasses are very clean.” The man replies, “Oh, I know. But I just promised my partner I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey.”
  12. 12
    Bar with Hanging Meat A guy walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, “What’s up with the meat?” The bartender explains, “If you can jump up and hit one, you drink for free tonight. If you miss, you have to buy everyone else a drink. You want to try?” The guy says, “No thanks, the steaks are too high.”
  13. 13
    3 Wishes Three friends are stranded on a desert island. After a few years, they find a magic lantern buried in the sand. When they rub the lamp, a genie pops out and tells them he will grant them each one wish. The first guy steps up and says, “I wish I was back at home.” Poof! He disappears. The second guy steps up. “I wish I was at home, too.” Poof! He disappears. The third guy looks around and sighs sadly. Then he says, “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were here.”
  14. 14
    Sarcastic Teacher “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman stood up. The teacher said, “Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” “Actually, I don’t,” said the student. “But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
  15. 15
    Swallowed Quarters I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour, I saw a nurse, so I asked her how he was. She said, “There’s no change yet.”
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Section 4 of 7:

Long Jokes for Adults

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  1. 1
    Choose Your Own Hell A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan shows him the doors to three rooms, and says, “Choose one of these doors to decide where you will spend eternity.” In the first room, a group of people stands in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. The guy shakes his head and says, “Nah, not this one either.” Then, Satan opens the third door to reveal a group of people standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy perks up and says, “I pick this room.” He wades in and starts pouring a cup of coffee. Satan turns to leave and then says, “OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone, back on your heads!”
  2. 2
    Martini-Drinking Gorilla A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender makes the drink, amazed that a gorilla came in. The gorilla gives the bartender $2 and the bartender gives back $1 in change. The bartender says, “I don’t get many gorillas in here, you know.” The gorilla replies, “For $19 a martini, I can see why!”
  3. 3
    Annual Check-Up During his check-up, a man asked his doctor, “Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?” The doctor looked down at his chart and replied, “I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.” The man scoffed and said, “I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense.” The doctor replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.”
  4. 4
    3 Couples A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple all want to get married at the same church. They meet with the priest to discuss when they can get married. The priest says, “If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex.” The couples nod and file out of the priest’s office. One month later, they return to the church. The priest asks the elderly couple, “Were you able to go the whole month without having sex?” The elderly couple smiles and says, “Yes, we have, it was easy.” The priest turns to the middle-aged couple. “How about you?” he asks. The middle-aged couple nods. “It was hard, but we made the whole month without having sex.” Finally, the priest turns to the young couple. “And how about you two?” The couple shifts in their seats. The boyfriend looks up shamefully and says, “No, we couldn’t make it the whole month without having sex.” The priest frowns and says, “Tell me why.” The boyfriend looks down at the ground. “Well, my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand, and she accidentally dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn’t help myself.” The priest shakes his head sorrowfully and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re not welcome in my church.” The boyfriend shrugs. “That’s all right, we can’t go back to the grocery store either.”
  5. 5
    Persistent Drunk A drunk man walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender tells the man he can’t serve him and throws him out. A few minutes later, the drunk man tries to come back in. Again, the bartender throws him out. When the man comes in for a third time, the bartender shouts, “We can’t serve you, please leave!” The drunk man replies, “How many bars do you work at?!”
  6. 6
    The Pirate & the Wheel A pirate walks into a bar with a small ship’s wheel on the front of his pants. A consummate professional, the bartender tries to ignore it. “What’ll you have?” he asks. “Whiskey,” the pirate replies. The bartender brings him the whiskey and he drinks it down. “Another,” the pirate says, shifting uncomfortable. “Sure thing,” the bartender says and pours him another whiskey. The pirate snatches it up and drinks it right down. By this time, the pirate is starting to get a little wobbly. When he orders a third whiskey, the bartender says, “I’ll get it for you if you answer me one thing.” “What’s that?” the pirate says. “Why on earth do you have a ship’s wheel on your pants?” The pirate shakes his head. “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts.”
  7. 7
    The Genie A guy walks into a bar with a genie’s lamp and a briefcase. He sits down and puts the lamp and the briefcase up on the bar. The bartender pours the guy a drink and then asks, “What’s in the briefcase?” The guy opens it up to reveal a tiny man playing a piano. The bartender asks, “Where’d you get that?” The guy points at the lamp and replies, “This genie granted me a wish. Do you want to try?” The bartender laughs and says, “Sure! Who wouldn’t?” The guy rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. “What is your wish?” The genie asks. The bartender says, “Give me a million bucks!” The genie claps his hands together and the bar fills with a million ducks. The bartender looks around at his bar in disgust and says, “I think your genie has a hearing problem.” The guy rolls his eyes. “Did you think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
  8. 8
    Smart Drinking A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same. The bartender asks, “What did you do that for?” The guy replies, “Well, the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”
  9. 9
    Sex Education A little girl asks her father, “What is sex?” The father thinks, This is the day I have to explain the birds and the bees to my little princess . He sits her down and explains sex, including sexual intercourse, conception, sperm, eggs, ovulation, menstruation, etc. When he’s done, his little girl looks up at him and askes, “Daddy, what’s a couple mean?” He explains that a couple is when two people are romantically involved and that it usually involves them having sex. When he’s done, he asks the little girl, “Why do you want to know about a couple and sex?” Looking confused, she says, “Mommy said lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.”
  10. 10
    Quite Smoking There’s this man who always smokes two cigarettes at the same time. Eventually, one of his friends asks, “What's with the two cigarettes?” The man replies, “My brother is in prison, and he told me to smoke a cigarette for him every time I smoke one for myself.” A few months later, his friend sees the man again and he’s smoking only one cigarette instead of two. Surprised, the friend asks, “Has your brother been freed from prison?” The man shakes his head sadly and says, “No, I just quit smoking.”
  11. 11
    The Millionaire & the Model A 60-year-old millionaire got married to a 20-year-old model. When his friend asked him how he did it, he said, “It’s simple. I lied about my age.” The friend said, “Ah, so you said you were 40?” The millionaire shook his head. “No, I said I was 90.”
  12. 12
    1-Armed Man A man lost one of his arms in an accident. One day, he felt terribly depressed and decided to end his life. He went to the top of a building to jump off. As he stood on the ledge looking down, he saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. When he looked closer, he saw that this man didn't have any arms. He said to himself, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, happy and going on with his life.” The 1-armed man hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms. “Man, I am so glad I saw you. I recently lost one of my arms. I felt ugly and useless, and I was going to kill myself. But then I saw you and knew if you could go one with no arms, I could definitely make it with only 1 arm. Thank you. You saved my life.” The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, “What’s your secret to staying happy all the time?” The armless man replied, “I'm NOT happy… my butt itches like crazy.”
  13. 13
    William Shatner’s Business Did you know that back in the 1970s, William Shatner decided he wanted to invest his money in textiles? After looking into it, he decided to start up his own lingerie company. It didn’t work out, though. He had a great product and a really elegant storefront. Unfortunately, Shatner Panties never caught on.
  14. 14
    Missing Pen A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s great…some a**hole’s got my pen!”
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Section 5 of 7:

Long Jokes for Kids

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  1. 1
    Bad Word A young boy was sitting in the waiting room for a little bit after getting his tooth pulled. The receptionist asked him if he was OK. “Yes, but I didn’t like the bad word the dentist used while he was pulling my tooth.” “What did he say?” asked the receptionist, worried. The boy replied, “Oops.”
  2. 2
    Late for School A child was late to school for the first time. The teacher asked him if anything was wrong. “No,” the child said, “I wanted to go fishing, but my dad told me I needed to go to school.” The teacher was impressed. “And did your father explain why it was important to go to school instead of going fishing?” The child nodded solemnly and said, “He said it was because there’s not enough bait for both of us.”
  3. 3
    A Piece of String A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The string walks back outside, messes up its hair, ties itself into a bow, and walks back in. The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the string that was just in here?” The string replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
  4. 4
    Hungry Duck A duck walks into a store and asks the shopkeeper, “Got any bread?” The shopkeeper says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back and asks the shopkeeper, “Got any bread?” Again, the shopkeeper politely says no, and the duck leaves. On the third day, the duck comes back and asks, “Got any bread?” This time, the shopkeeper gets upset and shouts, “If you ask if we have bread one more time, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!” The duck says sorry and leaves. The next day, the duck comes back. It asks, “Got any nails?” Surprised by the new question, the shopkeeper replies, “No.” The duck pauses for a second and then asks, “In that case, got any bread?”
  5. 5
    One-Eyed Captain An old sea captain with a peg leg, hook hand, and eye patch walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says, “How’d you get that peg leg?” The captain replies, “A whale bit my leg off.” The bartender nods. “And how did you get that hook?” The captain replies, “A scurvy scalawag cut my hand off with a sword.” Impressed, the bartender says, “Wow! You’ve lived such an exciting life! How did you get that eye patch?” The captain answers, “A seagull pooped right in my eye.” The bartender frowns. “You lost your eye from seagull poop?” The captain nods and says, “Aye, it was my first day with the new hook.”
  6. 6
    The Lion & the Policeman A lion walks into a police station and asks the policeman at the front desk, “Do you have any job openings?” The policeman shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?” The lion gives him a funny look and says, “Why would the circus need a detective?”
  7. 7
    3-Legged Dog A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, “I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.”
  8. 8
    The Man-Dog A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. I think I might be a dog.” The doctor nods and says, “Hop up on the examining table, please.” The man replies, “Oh, I'm not allowed on the furniture.”
  9. 9
    Rude Bus Driver A woman holding a baby gets onto a bus. The driver takes one look at them and says, “Wow, that’s an ugly baby!” The woman is outraged, but says nothing. As she walks back to an open seat, another passenger sees that she is upset, and asks why. She says, “That bus driver was so rude and insulting!” The passenger says, “Why, you march right back up there and give that rude driver a piece of your mind! Here, I’ll hold your monkey.”
  10. 10
    Fresh Coffee A man goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter brings it out to him. The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! What is the meaning of this? This coffee tastes like mud!” The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, “But, sir, you ordered fresh ground!”
  11. 11
    A Trip to the Vet A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room. First, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes, and leaves. Next, a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes, and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill. “This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!” The vet says, “No mistake. It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”
  12. 12
    Penguins A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” The policeman said, “No, you need to take them to the zoo.” Reluctantly, the man said, “All right. Whatever you say,” and drives off. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
  13. 13
    Smart Dog A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched his friend and the dog play for a while before saying, “I can hardly believe my eyes! That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” The friend shook his head and said, “Nah, he’s not so smart. I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
  14. 14
    Resting Squirrel A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap. “What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks. The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?” “Um, yes. It is,” the man replies. “Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”
  15. 15
    New Paint A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
  16. 16
    An Elephant in a Movie Theater One day, a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater. “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager says. “Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man says. “All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure.” The man said, “Trust me. He’ll be perfectly quiet.” After the movie, the manager goes up to the man and the elephant and says, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was very well behaved. He even seemed to enjoy the movie!” The man shot a look at the elephant and said, “Yeah, I was surprised, too. He hated the book.”
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Section 6 of 7:

Telling a Long Joke

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  1. 1
    Tell it like it really happened. Some people call this committing to the bit . It means to follow the joke as far as it can go with exaggerated gestures and facial expressions. [1] A classic example of committing to the bit with a long-form joke is the “Who’s on first?” skit by famous comedy duo Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.
    • The “Who’s on first?” skit is one of the most iconic comedic skits of all time.
    • Part of the reason it’s so funny is that Abbott and Costello build tension for over 7 minutes without losing the audience.
  2. 2
    Use pauses and pacing to build tension. When you tell a joke, comedic timing is the key to getting a laugh. By adjusting how fast you talk and using “pregnant pauses,” you’re using timing to heighten the humor of your joke. Sometimes, you can even save a bad or unfunny joke with good comedic timing. [2]
    • Comedians use a “pregnant pause” right before the punchline to give the audience just enough time to catch up and predict what’s going to happen.
    • Figuring out the rhythm and timing of a joke comes with practice. So, the more you tell a joke, the better you get at it… and the more likely you’ll be to get a laugh.
  3. 3
    Be confident in your sense of humor. One of the best ways to make a joke funny is to believe in your own ability to tell it. According to standup comedian Kendall Payne, you just have to be confident and believe in your sense of humor.
    • Payne explains that sometimes your jokes are going to fall flat, but that’s okay. It’s just part of telling jokes.
    • When no one laughs at a joke, you “just have to have fun, do your best, and know that you’ll probably fail the first few times,” she says.
    • Remember, it isn’t personal if someone doesn’t laugh at your joke. They might not be in the right mood to laugh, or they may have a different sense of humor.
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Section 7 of 7:

Why are long jokes funny?

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  1. A long set-up builds more tension for the punchline. When that tension is released, the audience laughs. Laughing after the joke feels good because you’re releasing nervous energy. [3] The longer a joke is, the more of that nervous energy builds up.
    • Short jokes and one-liners are often funny because they come so quickly that they take you by surprise.
    • The long joke sacrifices the “speedy” element, but makes up for it with tension.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://nofilmschool.com/commit-to-the-bit
      2. ↑ https://www.backstage.com/magazine/article/comedic-timing-tips-75129/
      3. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/whats-so-funny-the-science-of-why-we-laugh/

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