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Whether you're going on a date with a friend or a stranger, it's wise to take preventative steps against sexual assault. [1]
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Research source
While nobody but the perpetrator can "prevent" assault, there are a few precautions you can take to make yourself safer. While you're on a date, check in with friends, stay relatively sober, and observe your date to see if they respect you. If you do decide to have a sexual encounter, make sure you both give enthusiastic affirmative consent.
This article is based on an interview with our professional dating coach, Collette Gee. Check out the full interview here.
Steps
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Meet in public. Even if you and your date are well acquainted, you should go out in public places. Meet in a place you can get to and from by yourself without their help, in case you need to leave without them. Never agree to a first date at a private house or at a remote location. [2] X Expert Source Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.- If you have never met the person before, try meeting up sober in a public place, like a café or a restaurant, to talk before you go on a date.
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Go on your own. Have a way to get to and from your date on your own. [3] X Expert Source Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020. Know all the addresses of where you will go. You can drive yourself if you think you will be sober, but have a back up plan in case you end up drunk or disoriented. You can:- Get a taxi app on your phone
- Ask a friend to pick you up at a certain time
- Meet somewhere easily accessed by public transportation, and have your routes planned out.
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Stay in touch with friends. Tell someone you trust where you are going on your date and who you're going out with. You could even send them a photo of your date. [4] X Expert Source Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020. Ask them to call or text you an hour or two into your date. Make sure you keep your phone on you so you can text if you are in a frightening situation.- Plan to meet up with friends later if it's a first date.
- Let them know where you will be so they can come find you if they can't get in touch with you.
- Make sure you have a friend who will be sober and attentive enough to be in charge of ensuring you are safe.
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Don't accept open drinks. Drinks with open tops, or drinks from punch bowls, may have been drugged. Opt for beer that you can open yourself, or drinks that you can watch a bartender prepare. If your date offers you an open drink and you feel unsafe refusing it, take it politely and dispose of it discretely. [5] X Research source
- Watch your glass. If anyone passes a hand over it, don't drink it.
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Go home if you feel confused or inebriated. If you are on a date and you begin to feel unexpectedly drunk, high, or disoriented, get out of the situation. Contact a friend, waiter, or bartender and ask for help getting home. Don't go anywhere alone with your date. Signs of being drugged include: [6] X Research source
- Unexpected drunkenness
- Wooziness or drowsiness
- Mental confusion
- Hallucinations
- Difficulty speaking
- Loose and uncoordinated movements
- Gaps in your memory
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Seizures
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Check your gut sense. If you are feeling uneasy, end the date. There's no reason to stay on a date with someone who doesn't feel safe to you, and there may be a very good reason to leave. If the person seems unstable, violent, or just makes you uncomfortable, don't stay just to be polite. Make a simple excuse and get out.
- You can say, "I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling well. I've texted my roommate she's coming to pick me up."
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Notice if your date pressures or manipulates you. A good date takes you at your word. They don't push you to do things you don't want to do. Watch out for people who insist, who whine, or who relentlessly tease you when you go against them. If your date puts you down, even as a joke, they may be trying to manipulate you. If you are being disregarded, condescended to, or otherwise not treated as an equal, end the date and get out safely.
- Someone who flatters and pampers you might also be trying to manipulate you. If it feels like the praise comes only when you comply with their wishes, and dries up when you speak up for yourself, distrust them.
- This is not to say that anyone who treats you well is safe. People you trust can be perpetrators of sexual assault.
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Distrust anyone who is trying to get you drunk. If you are going slowly and your date keeps upping the game, put the brakes on. Someone who doesn't respect your pace is someone who doesn't care about your safety.
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Be unambiguous when you say "No." If your date asks you to do something you don't want to do, say no calmly and clearly. Say only what is true, and don't offer extra details. It's not your job to make them feel better. It's important that they hear that you are not afraid to say "no."
- You might say, "I'm going to go home now." If they press, just say that you're sure, and that you're not interested in being convinced otherwise.
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Set boundaries and consequences. If you are on a date with someone who keeps asking for something after you have said no, set a boundary with them. Explain what you need and what will happen if they ignore your need.
- You might say, "I already told you I don't want another drink. You are welcome to keep drinking, but if you keep trying to get me to drink what you ordered I will leave."
- If your date ignores your boundary, stick to the consequence you set.
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Make sure you can both give consent. Before you engage in any sexual activity with your date, make sure you have both given consent. You can give consent if you are of age, if you are sober enough to make reasonable decisions, and if you feel safe.
- People who are drugged or very drunk cannot consent to sex. [7] X Trustworthy Source Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors Go to source
- If your date is underage, they are not old enough to consent to sex.
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Ask for consent as you go. When you want to get physical with your date, ask them if they'd like to. If you just move in on them without checking they might feel too frightened, pressured, or ashamed to say no. Ask for a "yes" instead. Not only is this the responsible thing to do—it's also the law in many states. [8] X Research source
- You can ask things like "May I kiss you?" "Is this okay?" or "Would you like to do this?"
- Ask before you touch them, then continue to ask whenever the encounter escalates.
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Communicate what you like and what you don't. If you are going to have sex, ask for specific details on what they like and do not like. Communicate your own preferences as well.
- For instance, if you like roughhousing but don't like pressure on your neck, say so.
- If they tell you they don't want a certain kind of touch, respect that.
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Check for verbal enthusiasm. Your date shouldn't just say yes—they should sound like they mean it. Silence, "maybe," and even a "yes" that sounds uncertain or insincere are bad signs. If you aren't sure your date is into it, don't continue.
- If your date says "yes" and sounds sincere, that's consent.
- If they urge you on, ask for consent to do more, and express pleasure, that's enthusiasm.
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Look for nonverbal consent. If your date responds to your advances, returns your physical gestures, and also initiates contact, they're giving you nonverbal enthusiasm. Smiling, nodding, giving thumbs up signals, and making eye contact are all ways to give nonverbal consent.
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Stop if either of you withdraws consent. If your date stops responding to your advances, pause and ask what's happening. If they can't tell you and show you that they are happy with the encounter, end it.
- You can also withdraw consent at any moment. Say, "Stop," and move away.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionIs it safe to invite a guy back to my place on the first date?Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.I don't think it's safe to invite a first date, no matter how much you like them, back to your home. You can avoid the awkward conversation about this by choosing a date early in the day when a lot of people are out. Unless it's a special function, try not to do a first date later in the evening.
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Tips
- If you ever feel unsafe in a public space or someone is bothering you, walk away. Join another group of people if possible. [9] X Expert Source Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.Thanks - If you're out somewhere and someone is bothering you or making you feel unsafe, tell the bartender or someone else who works there. [10] X Expert Source Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.campussafetymagazine.com/safety/sexual-assault-statistics-and-myths/
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/drink-spiking
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/drink-spiking
- ↑ https://rainn.org/articles/legal-role-consent
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/education/edlife/affirmative-consent-are-students-really-asking.html?_r=0
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
- ↑ Collette Gee. Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist. Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
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