Q&A for How to Comfort Your Friend

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How can I convince my friend to go to therapy?

Tracy Carver, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).

Tracy Carver, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

I don't think this is a realistic goal in a lot of cases. If you've been to therapy before and it has helped you out, sharing that experience may get them to see the potential benefit. But just pushing someone to go get help if they aren't ready for help isn't going to be a productive exercise.

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Question

How can I tell if my friendship is toxic? They only ever lean on me for comfort.

Tracy Carver, PhD
Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).

Tracy Carver, PhD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

How do you feel when you're around them? Do you get a sense that they love and appreciate you, or do you get the vibe that they're kind of just using you to feel better? In a lot of cases, the way they make you feel is all you really need to know.

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My friend is a guy and I like him. What should I do if I want to tell him that it's OK, but I'm nervous and don't really know what to say?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

First, review the article, "Comfort Your Friend." There are a lot of good ideas in it for how to be there for someone in pain or upset. The rules aren't different for a guy friend! Just be there; encourage him to talk; accept what he has to say; and reflect back some of what you are hearing. Now, if you like him at the same time, keep in mind that when he is upset or hurt is not the time to share your feelings for him. Save that for a later time when he is feeling better. Give him the space now that he needs. Best of luck!

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Question

How can I help a friend who feels like whatever he does is never enough for his mother. She is never pleased with anything that he does and makes cruel and hurtful comments. He is really sad and hurt.

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Well, it is always good to start out by listening. Make sure you understand the situation that is making him sad and hurt. Say things like, "I hear you." If you have heard this many times before, you might consider gently reminding him that it sounds like nothing he does pleases his mother. If he agrees, you might consider suggesting that he tell his mother this or pull back and not try so hard. But be certain that he really feels the way you think he feels. Best of luck.

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