Q&A for How to Get a Lesbian Girlfriend

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  • Question
    How do you tell your best friend you like her when you don't know her sexuality?
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It can be helpful to have general discussions with them about sexuality and desire as a starting point. This way, they will become aware that you're interested in same-sex relationships and/or sexual activity. If you still can't figure out what her sexuality is from these chats, be honest and open up about your interest. Trust that the strength of your friendship will help you work through any difficulties that may arise.
  • Question
    What can I do if I like my lesbian friend who just broke up with her girlfriend?
    Community Answer
    Give her some time to process her emotions; it's not healthy to jump immediately from one relationship to another. Be there for her, provide support and comfort, and when she's ready to date again, let her know that you're interested.
  • Question
    Can someone be a lesbian at a young age? (I'm 11 and I'm attracted to girls.)
    Community Answer
    Yes, absolutely. Many people start to get crushes and have romantic or sexual feelings at your age, or even a little younger. You can absolutely know you're gay when you're 11, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
  • Question
    I like my bisexual friend, and she knows that I'm lesbian. Should I tell her how I feel and see how she reacts to see if she feels the same?
    Community Answer
    You should tell her. She probably feels the same way, you never know what she's thinking.
  • Question
    My girlfriend broke up with me. I got asked out the day after by a really cute girl, but I declined. It's been a month now and I really want to go out with her now that I'm ready. How can I ask her out? Things are always so awkward around us now.
    Community Answer
    You can explain to her why you declined her and ask if she's still interested. Just say, "Hey, I know I said no to you when you asked me out a while back because I had just broken up with my girlfriend and wasn't really ready to go out with someone new. But if you're still interested, I'd like to go out with you."
  • Question
    I am a boy and attracted to a girl. She says that she is a lesbian. She doesn't look like one, and I want to have a relationship with her. What kind of approach must I use?
    Community Answer
    You don't have to 'look like' a lesbian to be one. Not all lesbians look a certain way, just as straight people can look all kinds of ways. If she says she is a lesbian, you have to respect that. You can't change someone's sexuality, and you can't force yourself on someone, regardless of their sexuality.
  • Question
    How can I act romantic with my lesbian girlfriend?
    Community Answer
    Try rubbing her shoulder, holding her hand, or playing with her hair. If she smiles, smile back at her and tell her how pretty or hot she looks. Then move in for a kiss. Small gestures can be very romantic.
  • Question
    Why does my friend, a girl, always hold onto my arm and rest her head on my shoulder?
    Community Answer
    Some girls are just affectionate with their friends like that. So it could mean nothing, or it could mean she has feelings for you. It's hard to tell just from this information. If you're interested in her romantically, you should ask her.
  • Question
    At what age do I start having sexual feelings? I am 12, which seems young, but I often stare at girls more. Am I a lesbian?
    Pumpkinpie11
    Community Answer
    You can start questioning at any age. 12 is not all that young, I myself began questioning at 10-11 and some of my friends began at 8-9. You are not necessarily lesbian, you could be bisexual if you like boys as well, or you could just be curious. There's no rush to figure these things out, it will likely become more clear in time.
  • Question
    How do I gently reject boys who keep asking me out?
    Community Answer
    You could tell them that, honestly, they're nice (and you value their friendship, if applicable), but you're just not interested in that kind of relationship with them. If they're persistent, be firm -- once you've told them no, you shouldn't have to continue to invest yourself in shielding them from reality.
  • Question
    How can a man get close to a lesbian?
    Community Answer
    If you want to be her friend, just treat her kindly and with respect. If you mean romantically, you can't. She will never be interested. Just find someone else.
  • Question
    I think I'd feel safer in a relationship with a girl than a boy, but I'm just trying to figure myself out. I'm 14.
    Community Answer
    That's fine! It's totally up to you how you choose to identify, and there's no rush to decide your sexuality. You're very young. Feel free to date who you want and experiment.
  • Question
    How do I ask out my friend if she's into guys?
    Community Answer
    You would probably be insulted if someone told you you weren't a lesbian. If your friend has told you she's straight, she feels the same way about her sexuality. If there's any reason to believe she's bi, you could ask her out, but she has every right to turn you down. If you can't move on, take some time away from your friend and reconnect when you can treat it as just a friendship.
  • Question
    How do I tell my crush that I like her and I'm a lesbian?
    Community Answer
    Come out to her early and let her get used to it. if she doesn't have a boyfriend by the time she is comfortable with knowing that you're lesbian, and has been friends with you for a while, ask her out.
  • Question
    I'm biologically a boy and transgender, and fancy girls. Does this apply to me?
    Community Answer
    Yes it does! If you identify as a woman, you are a woman. If you are a woman who likes women, you are a lesbian.
  • Question
    I have a crush on a girl and recently she told my friend that she thinks I'm pretty. I am very shy. What do I do?
    Community Answer
    You should try to be friends with her. Maybe you could find a mutual interest (i.e. a movie or book) and talk about it. Once you're close, talk about your feelings and see if there could be more.
  • Question
    My friend is a lesbian and I am bisexual, but she doesn't know that. I don't know if I like her, but I am wondering if she likes me. How can I tell?
    Community Answer
    You should go ahead and come out to her if you want to, but hold off on telling her anything about your romantic feelings or asking her about hers since you aren't sure yet how you feel. Wait until you're certain.
  • Question
    How will I know if a bar is a lesbian bar?
    Community Answer
    Typically, the LGBT flag may be displayed outside. They often have stereotypical feminine names or may have the double-Venus symbol for love between women.
  • Question
    How do I ask another girl out on a date?
    Community Answer
    Make friendly conversation with the girl, then talk about what you like to do for fun. If you have something in common, like watching movies, ask her if she'd like to do that with you.
  • Question
    I am a man and would like to date lesbian women, is that okay?
    Community Answer
    No lesbian will date you if you are a man. They're not interested and they never will be. If you want to date a bisexual woman, that is fine, assuming you can find one who will date you.
  • Question
    How can I have lesbian sex with my girlfriend?
    Community Answer
    There is no actual definition of "lesbian sex." Some girls like to use their hands and mouths primarily, but others like to add toys to the mix. Just play around and see what the two of you like!
  • Question
    How does this apply if I'm a boy?
    Community Answer
    If you're a boy, look for articles that apply to you. This is a guide for lesbians, who are girls/women. If you're gay, try How to Find a Boyfriend (Teen Guys) . If you're straight, try How to Get a Girlfriend .
  • Question
    How do I tell if the girl I like is a lesbian?
    Community Answer
    See how she acts around boys versus girls. Does she look at girls differently then boys? Ask her if she has a boyfriend or not. If you can't tell, just ask her. The only way to know her sexuality for sure is to ask her.
  • Question
    I asked a girl if she was a lesbian, she said no, but I am in love with her. What should I do?
    Kate Ewing
    Community Answer
    I've also had this problem, but the thing I've had to find out the hard way is that you cannot change someone's sexuality. You might check if she's bisexual, but other than that, she is not interested. The most you can do if she's not in love with you is try to be someone worth loving. Maybe remain friends with her, but if that's too painful, I would try to find someone else.
  • Question
    My BFF is bisexual, and I like her romantically. She has said that I'm like a sister to her, and she's dating my brother, but she sometimes leans on my shoulder. Does she like me?
    Community Answer
    I don't think so. If she said you're like a sister to her, that means she just sees you as a very close friend. Lots of girls are physically affectionate with one another, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.
  • Question
    What if there is a school dance, and I don't know if I can find another girl or if the school will banish us?
    Owl511
    Community Answer
    If there's a chance the school will expel you, you need to lay low. Your safety comes before getting a date.
  • Question
    I found a girl very attractive in an online group. We interact almost everyday. She is very nice to me even though I'm a nerd. Should I let her know about my feelings?
    The Emo Panda
    Community Answer
    First, you should find out her feelings towards the LGBT community. Also try to find out her sexuality. Or you could just tell her out of nowhere, she may have feelings for you too and it can't hurt to try.
  • Question
    How do lesbians have kids?
    Community Answer
    They can adopt or pursue artificial insemination.
  • Question
    My friends know I'm a lesbian and one of my friends is really pretty. My other friends tease the two of us because they said we look good together. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Just laugh it off or ignore it. It can be hard, but they will stop teasing you pretty quickly if they don't get the reaction they want out of you. Act casually about it, whenever you are around your friend that you like, always expect that they are going to say something about you two being together, and make sure that you don't get visibly flustered. If you like this friend of yours, it would probably be best if you did confess sooner rather than later. It's better to see what she would say rather than wondering what the answer might have been after it's too late.
  • Question
    I want a lesbian girlfriend but all my friends aren't like that. Where can I find a lesbian girlfriend?
    Frenchkiss
    Community Answer
    You can start asking other girls out. That works sometimes, but don't ask a girl you don't know because that can end up bad.
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