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Flirting, at its most basic, is playfully showing you are romantically attracted to someone. It can feel scary to try to flirt and put yourself out there, but don’t worry—it's normal to be nervous around someone you really like, and there are ways you can seem more confident and become great at flirting. To help you out, we've gathered all of the best flirting tips recommended by the experts. These tips will work whether you're flirting over text , online, or in person, and they're surprisingly easy to pull off. Keep reading to learn how to flirt with confidence and have fun doing it.
Steps
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Make eye contact . Eye contact is the best and easiest thing you can do to start flirting. You can look deeply into the person's eyes while also taking the time to break eye contact to keep things from getting too intense. [1] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source Here are a few ways to try this flirting technique out:
- Get caught looking. Throw small glances at your crush. Keep doing it until they catch your eyes. Hold the gaze for a second, smile , and look away.
- Look into their eyes when you talk, particularly at meaningful points in the conversation like when you're giving them a compliment
. [2]
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Expert Source
Maria Avgitidis
Matchmaker & Dating Expert Expert Interview. 20 December 2019. - Wink or raise your eyebrows at your crush. It's cheesy, but it works if used sparingly. Do it when you're looking at someone from across a room, or if you're talking in a group and say something really meant for them.
- You can also try lowering your gaze and looking up again slowly.
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Smile . You'll probably smile automatically if you're talking to someone you like, but you can use your pearly whites to your advantage before the conversation even starts. [3] X Expert Source Maria Avgitidis
Matchmaker & Dating Expert Expert Interview. 20 December 2019. You can even smile at the person when you pass them by in the halls or just from across the room. You don't have to grin from ear to ear, either; just a simple, subtle smile will do the trick. Try these variations:- Smile slowly. If you're looking at someone but not talking to them, try letting a slow smile spread over your face instead of breaking into a huge grin. Slow, languid smiles are generally considered attractive.
- Smile when you make eye contact . If you're suddenly looking into someone's eyes, toss in a smile for extra appeal. (If it's a genuine smile, the other person will see it without even looking at your mouth — it will crinkle your eyes, and is known as a Duchenne smile.)
- Try smiling with your eyes, not just your mouth. Make your whole face light up when you smile.
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Talk to your crush. Introduce yourself — or maintain the mystery (optional). If you don't already know the person you're flirting with, an introduction (or lack of one) can be a great thing to build flirting around. Avoid the urge to have a cheesy pick-up line. Saying "Hi" followed by an introduction or a simple question is much more effective and less forced. [4] X Research source
- If your crush doesn't know your name and you're a naturally gregarious person, try introducing yourself at some point. It can be as simple as, "Hi, I'm [name]. And you are...?" Make sure you get the other person's name. To help yourself remember it, try repeating it after they say it to you. (Such as "Lily. I love that name.")
- Or, if you want to make yourself seem like a bit of a challenge, work to keep your identity a mystery for a little while. If the other person really wants to know, they will ask around or keep pursuing you.
- If the person you are interested knows another language like Spanish, pick up a few words of the language before you strike a conversation.
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Initiate a conversation . Whether you already know the other person or not, a conversation is the best way to move the flirtation forward. The person you're flirting with will be impressed by your boldness and confidence. [5] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 10 June 2021. Here are a few guidelines:- Talk to someone you don't already know by starting with an observation that ends in a question. [6]
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Expert Source
Maria Avgitidis
Matchmaker & Dating Expert Expert Interview. 20 December 2019. Try something like, "I can't believe how much it's rained this week" or "This place sure is packed, eh?" What you say isn't important — you are simply inviting the person to talk with you. - Find common ground with someone you do know. If you've already met the other person, strike up a conversation based on a shared experience or interest. For instance, you might talk about a class you're taking together, or the train you both take to work. Again, the topic itself doesn't matter — what matters is that you're inviting them to interact with you.
- Gauge their response. If the person responds pleasantly, continue the conversation. If the person doesn't respond or seems preoccupied or disinterested, they probably aren't interested in flirting with you. [7] X Research source
- Talk to someone you don't already know by starting with an observation that ends in a question. [6]
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Expert Source
Maria Avgitidis
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Keep it light. Don't bring up anything too personal when you're talking. Talk about the environment around you, the show you just saw, or your favorite hobbies. Keep personal information (like money, relationships, education, and so on) out of it, unless the person enjoys intellectual debates. Generally, it's best to avoid debating topics personally relevant to either of you (like religion) and to instead talk about topics you don't have a personal stake in.
- It's easier to flirt when you're talking about fun things like your pets, reality television, or your favorite vacation spots. This doesn't mean you have to dumb yourself down to flirt, but it does mean you have to relax and avoid the deep talk for a while.
- Be playful and use humor. Being playful means not taking yourself too seriously, being a bit silly, playfully hitting your crush, or talking about something slightly offbeat or unexpected. It also means not putting too much pressure on yourself over the course of the conversation.
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Use body language to communicate your intentions. Non-verbal cues can say a lot more about how you feel than what's actually coming out of your mouth, so make sure you're communicating how you feel. Try the following:
- Keep your stance "open." Don't cross your arms or legs, as these are generally signs that you wish to isolate yourself from the other person. [8]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 10 June 2021. - Turn your body toward the other person. Stand or sit so that you're facing the person you're flirting up. Angle your torso toward them, or point your feet in that direction.
- Break the "touch barrier". Casually initiate physical contact by touching them on the forearm as you talk, or by "accidentally" walking too close and brushing up against the other person. [9] X Research source
- Play with your hair. Playing with your hair is usually a sign of nervousness, which is a good thing if you like the other person — you almost want
them to know you're nervous because it means you're interested. [10]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 10 June 2021. To consciously communicate this, slowly twirl a strand of hair around your finger as you talk, or, if you have short hair, run your hands through your hair.
- Keep your stance "open." Don't cross your arms or legs, as these are generally signs that you wish to isolate yourself from the other person. [8]
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Expert Source
John Keegan
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Break the touch barrier. The first few times you touch your crush, be careful not to "trap" them. Depending on the area, the contact should be long enough to be more than accidental, but no more. [11] X Research source Avoid grasping a hand or arm, and instead try gestures such as brushing an imaginary speck of dirt off of their arm, or "accidentally" touching feet or knees without pulling away.
- All of these touches can be rejected without humiliation or offense, so if your crush is not ready for that kind of contact, you will not be forcing them to reject you entirely.
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Compliment the other person early in the conversation. It might seem too forward, but letting them know you're interested in dating before a solid friendship begins is the easiest way to avoid the friend zone . Get confident, and don't let the opportunity slip by — you never know when you'll get another one. [12] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 10 June 2021. [13] X Research source Here are some techniques to try:- Maintain eye contact while you're complimenting . Looking away might accidentally make you seem insincere.
- Lower the tone and volume of your voice slightly . Paying a compliment in a slightly lower register than your usual speaking voice makes it seem intimate and sexy. Plus, it might also coax the other person to come closer to hear you.
- Use your crush's other interests to your advantage . If you know this person is dating (or interested in) someone else, you can use this to your advantage in a compliment.
- Try weaving the compliment into the conversation . For instance, you could say something like, “I saw you play at the game the other day. I’m a huge soccer fan. How’d you get so good?”
- Be careful about complimenting looks
. People might feel uncomfortable if you focus on complimenting their body. Play it safe and stick to these physical features:
- Eyes
- Smile
- Lips
- Hair
- Hands
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Keep your interactions short and sweet . Remember that the key to creating demand is making supply scarce, so try to limit your interactions with the object of your flirtations. Don't talk to your crush every single day. Make it a special event and save it for a few times a week.
- Don't let conversations drag on for more than 5-10 minutes. The longer they go on, the higher your odds of running into an awkward silence.
- Let the other person come to you. After you've put in the work of starting up the interaction and sparking an interest, pull back a bit and see if they seek you out for an interaction. This can be a good way to gauge interest, as well as build tension.
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.A lighthearted approach makes conversations more fun. Try not to get stressed by the prospect of chatting—after all, you're just talking to a fellow human! Stay curious, and don't be afraid to share new things about yourself.
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Ask your crush out . If your flirting has been successful so far, and you want to get to know the other person better, it's time to see if you can turn it into a date. [14] X Expert Source John Keegan
Dating Coach Expert Interview. 10 June 2021. Here are a few approaches:- Ask if the other person has plans at a later date. For instance, you might say, "So, what are you up to on Saturday night?" Try to keep this an open question, instead of one that requires a yes or no answer — you'll get more information that way. Don't ask someone what they are doing tonight , or even tomorrow. Try to schedule the date a few days out so that you don't come off as overly desperate.
- Suggest a specific event and ask if they would like to come along. This is the best approach if you're trying to arrange a group date. You could say something like, "So a bunch of us were going to see a movie on Friday, and I'd really like it if you came with us."
- Be straightforward. If you're feeling extra confident, go in for the kill without any pretense. For instance, you could say something like, "I'd really love to take you on a date. When are you free?"
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Keep your approach casual. Don't let yourself get so nervous that you forget basic conversational skills. Instead, try to stay calm and open the conversation in a low-pressure way. If you've never chatted with the person online before, you may even find an excuse for talking to him, like asking a question about homework or talking about a sports team you both like. If you're texting a person for the first time, make sure they know who you are and that they don't feel creeped out. Here are some ways to start a conversation through text or chatting:
- "Hey, how's it going?"
- "Did you see/hear [insert event you both know about here]?"
- "How's your week going?"
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Don't talk about yourself too much. The majority of people are most comfortable talking about themselves because it's a topic they know well. Instead of taking the easy way out and discussing you endlessly, encourage the other person to talk about themself. However, you can and should occasionally throw some personal facts in the person's direction to help them to ask questions about you in turn. The key is to leave it up to them to pursue an interest in things relevant to yourself.
- This tactic actually serves two purposes: Not only does it keep the conversation going, but it allows you to find out more about your crush.
- You don't need to know a lot about the other person to do this step. If you don't know them very well yet, you can ask:
- "How did your day go?"
- "So, what do you do with your free time?"
- If you do know the other person a bit, focus on a hobby or interest you're already aware of. For instance, maybe she's really into basketball, or you know he loves to read.
- "Did you see the game last night?" or "Have you read any good books lately?" would be great starts.
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Know when to press for more information. You can keep the discussion lively and interesting without probing too deeply on personal topics. For instance, asking your crush what exactly they like about running cross-country would be a great idea; asking them for more details on family relationships or close friendships would be too much, too soon. You can do it in a joking, flirtatious bantering way that doesn't feel too serious, or like you're interviewing the person. Here are some ways to ask for more information flirtatiously:
- "So are you planning on spending all night online or do you have more exciting plans for this evening?"
- "Are you going to kick some butt in tonight's game?"
- "I've noticed the cute kitty in your profile picture. Is that who you spend most of your time with?"
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Compliment your crush early in the conversation. Don't chicken out and skip this step — it might seem difficult, but it's incredibly important. A compliment communicates that you're potentially interested in dating, and steers you away from the dreaded friend-zone. [15] X Research source If you skip paying your crush a compliment and simply keep the conversation on a friendly level, it might be too late next time. Here are some basic compliments you could use:
- If you don't know your crush very well yet, but you're working on it, use a compliment oriented in this direction. Say something like, "It's so easy to talk to you," or "I kind of can't believe I'm getting to know someone as interesting as you."
- Try weaving the compliment into the conversation. For instance, if the girl you like is talking about how she had a terrible day, you could say something like "I hate seeing someone as beautiful as you feel so unhappy. What can I do to help?"
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Be bold . If none of the suggestions above appeal to you, go for broke and pay your crush a bold compliment. Try these possibilities, using the adjective that fits your crush best or substituting your own:
- "I hope you know you're gorgeous/beautiful/amazing/my favorite person to talk to/etc."
- "Sorry if this is too forward, but I have to say that you're incredible/an amazing person/so beautiful/etc."
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Don't come on too strong. Avoid loading compliments with feelings too early. Leaving a person slightly uncertain of the extent of your feelings for them can increase your attractiveness, giving you a bit of a mysterious edge. The point is not to make the person question whether you like them at all, but to make them wonder how much you like them. If you just openly say, "I have a big crush on you" or "I've always thought you were so hot," then you're taking the mystery out of the exchange.
- Instead, you can send a text or a message that says something like, "You looked cute in your new sweater today" or another comment that is nice and flirtatious without giving it all away.
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Convince your crush to pursue you instead of having to do the work yourself. Though flirting should let the person know that you like them, you shouldn't make it seem like you're doing all of the work. Instead, you should be just flattering enough so that the person knows you're interested , but leave them to wonder just how much you care. Try phrasing compliments objectively rather than subjectively. Here are examples of objective vs subjective compliments:
- "I really like your eyes, they're so pretty." On the surface, this compliment may seem fine, and it probably would be appreciated. However, a common flaw in phrasing a romantic compliment is to constantly use the words "I like/love *insert trait here*". They tell the person that they've succeeded in winning your heart. This is great if you've already built up a solid relationship, but early on it can make you seem overeager.
- "You have great eyes, they're very pretty" . Although both compliment versions say that you like the person's eyes, this one makes it more of an observation than a personal opinion. It implies that you find the person attractive but doesn’t confirm it outright. As a result, your crush might feel both flattered and drawn to figure out how attractive you find them.
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Tease gently. Because you can't use body language to communicate over text or chat, you'll have to rely on your words to keep the mood light and fun. Rely on inside jokes (based on events you were both present for), sarcasm ("Yeah, I'm SURE you look like an ogre in the morning ;)"), and exaggeration ("You're probably a million times better at this than I am") in the beginning.
- Make it clear that you're kidding. The drawback of using text
to communicate is that you can't always read the emotion behind the words. If you're going to flirt with someone by teasing them, make extra sure that you're implying it's a joke. You can use winking smiley faces, all caps, or exclamation points to communicate this. Just don't overdo it with the emoticons or it'll begin to feel corny for the other person.
- If you've already sent something that could be interpreted the wrong way, make your meaning crystal clear. Say something like "(joke)" or "jk" to make a quick save.
- Make it clear that you're kidding. The drawback of using text
to communicate is that you can't always read the emotion behind the words. If you're going to flirt with someone by teasing them, make extra sure that you're implying it's a joke. You can use winking smiley faces, all caps, or exclamation points to communicate this. Just don't overdo it with the emoticons or it'll begin to feel corny for the other person.
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Always leave your crush wanting more. As much as you might want to text this person forever, it's best to bow out before the conversation goes stale (as all conversations are bound to do at some point). The best way to avoid an awkward pause is to leave before one happens. Ending the conversation on a good note will lead your conversational partner to look forward to the next time you can chat.
- Set up your next interaction before you go. Throw out something like "Hey, so I'll see you around tomorrow?" or "I'll talk to you soon."
- If you're chatting online , note that you enjoyed the conversation just before you leave. It doesn't have to be complicated — a simple "This was awesome" or "I had a good time talking to you" is enough. If you're texting, you can be a bit more casual about it.
- Be careful not to over-compliment your crush. Your compliments will have a lot less meaning if you bestow them for every single positive trait the person has. Instead, reserve them for meaningful things that are important to the person, such as complimenting a skill they take pride in.
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Don't take it too seriously. Keep in mind that flirting is supposed to be fun and try not to be crushed if your efforts aren't successful — not every interaction will be a perfect 10. Stay positive, and try again with someone else. As with anything else, flirting improves with practice. Flirting also doesn't have to have an endgame; not every flirtation ends in a date. Sometimes, you may just want to flirt for the fun of it, instead of hoping it will go somewhere.
- Flirting can help you meet new people, feel more comfortable, and learn to mingle. You don't need to put any pressure on yourself to make it mean something or to be perfect.
- Reader Poll: We asked 636 wikiHow readers to tell us what they would do if their crush wasn’t flirting back, and 78% agreed that when that happens, it’s best to respect their feelings and end the conversation. [Take Poll]
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What Are the Dos and Don’ts of Body Language When Flirting?
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I draw the attention of a guy?Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.If you want to draw the attention of a guy, you can smile at him. Make eye contact and talk to him.
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QuestionWhat should I wear to look more appealing to a guy?Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.You can wear comfortable clothes that make you feel and look good. Wear blue, red, or green color instead of black and purple. They get a better response from guys.
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QuestionHow can I make out that I am going off the track while flirting?Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist.You can understand that you are going off track while flirting by observing the other person. If they only nod and do not say anything to continue the conversation or step back, it shows they are not interested in the conversation.
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Tips
- Let go of any neediness you might have. Neediness is a precursor to obsessiveness, and obsessiveness is creepy. Needy people are imbalanced and unstable people because their happiness hinges too greatly on someone else, rather than a stable sense of self-worth. If you're projecting a vibe that you'll be devastated if a person doesn't want to be your friend or romantic partner, the lightheartedness that makes flirting fun will be extinguished.Thanks
- Don't flirt with someone you're not romantically interested in, unless you are 100% sure that they are not romantically interested in you. Otherwise, you risk accidentally leading them on, which can lead to an embarrassing moment and uncomfortable interactions afterward.Thanks
- Don't use your phone (that means no texting) while you are flirting with someone. This shows that you are more interested in talking to somebody else who isn't there or that you are already involved in a relationship.Thanks
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Warnings
- In some contexts, flirting may be unwanted. Unwanted flirtatious behaviour can be considered sexual harassment. Sexual harassment hurts its victim emotionally, and also might be illegal or at least violate your workplace or school policies.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0092656689900202
- ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Matchmaker & Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 20 December 2019.
- ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Matchmaker & Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 20 December 2019.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-flirt/
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
- ↑ Maria Avgitidis. Matchmaker & Dating Expert. Expert Interview. 20 December 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/flirting
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/neck-body-language/
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-digitally/202006/how-flirt-effectively
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201302/avoiding-the-friend-zone-becoming-girlfriend-or-boyfriend
- ↑ John Keegan. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 10 June 2021.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200403/the-art-the-compliment
About This Article
Article Summary
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To flirt with someone you like, make eye contact, smile, and lean in a bit closer to show them that you’re interested. Don’t use cheesy pick-up lines, since they can be a huge turn-off. Instead, ask the person some questions to get to know them better, like, “What do you like to do in your free time?” or, “Doing anything fun this weekend?” You can compliment them on their appearance too by saying something like, “You have really nice eyes.” Or, be more personal and compliment them on something besides their looks, like their upbeat personality! If things are going well, don’t be afraid to briefly touch their arm or leg while you’re laughing or getting their attention. However, if they seem uncomfortable or not that interested, just move on and try your luck with someone else you like. Keep reading to learn more about how breaking the touch barrier can turn into flirting!
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Reader Success Stories
- "I'm very shy when it came to flirting. Even though it sometimes goes well, I still feel all awkward when it's over! This showed me to be confident. I think I've got an idea of how I should approach (love's name) when school starts! Thank you so much!" ..." more
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"I'm very shy when it came to flirting. Even though it sometimes goes well, I still feel all awkward when it's over! This showed me to be confident. I think I've got an idea of how I should approach (love's name) when school starts! Thank you so much!"
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"OMG, thank you so much. I've been trying to work up the nerve to ask a guy out for like a year, but I've been too afraid to do it. I've been flirting but he doesn't exactly catch on, so I'm going to ask him out."
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"I read this after I talked to my crush and became friends with her. I had no idea what I was doing, but now I know what I did right and wrong, and how I can improve if I decide to "expand" our friendship. :)"
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"My friend really needed help trying to flirt because he doesn't know how. I feel like this article really helped him and I cannot wait to see how he uses this in his future. 100% very effective and useful."
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"In this article, teaching me how to fully engage in flirtatious behavior really helped. Many steps, such as breaking the touch barrier, really helped me become closer to my love interest. Thank you!"
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