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Learn red flags to spot manipulative or controlling behavior so you can take action
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Do you always feel emotionally drained? Does your partner constantly put you down or act like everything is always your fault? You might be in a controlling or manipulative relationship. These behaviors start subtly, so it's not always easy to tell when things are getting out of hand. That's why we've talked to several psychology experts to get the low-down on how to recognize a manipulative or controlling relationship—plus what you should do if you see the signs.
Things You Should Know
- If your partner lies, makes excuses, ridicules or criticizes you constantly, and isolates you from your friends and family, they're likely manipulative or controlling.
- Talk to your partner in private about the way their behavior makes you feel. Set clear boundaries so your partner understands what you need from the relationship.
- Gather your friends and family for support and talk to a therapist. Put yourself first and make plans to end the relationship if your partner doesn't change.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Signs of Manipulation and Control
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Your partner was perfect in the beginning but now they've changed. People who are controlling or manipulative often start out a relationship seeming like the perfect partner. This is love-bombing , a form of emotional abuse that's meant to cause you to let your guard down so they can influence you or exert control over you. [1] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source
- While love-bombing typically happens at the beginning of a relationship, it can also come and go in cycles. Your partner might turn to love-bombing if they sense that you're really upset and potentially going to leave them, for example.
- Manipulative or controlling partners might also turn on the love-bombing if you attempt to assert yourself or call them out on their controlling or manipulative tactics.
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Your partner lies or makes excuses. For someone who is manipulative, nothing is ever their fault. They're never willing to accept responsibility or admit that they did anything wrong—and they'll lie or distort facts when necessary to make themselves look like the victim. [2] X Research source
- Typically, they're trying to make you feel sorry for them here so you'll forget about whatever was bothering you.
- If your partner is controlling, their desire for control could extend to facts themselves, meaning that they'll believe the version of events that puts them in the best light, even if that's not what actually happened.
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Your partner yells at you or gets angry for little to no reason. When the going gets tough, lashing out is a good way for a manipulative or controlling partner to turn the tables. If they get angry, then everything becomes all about them. They believe that you'll do what you can to appease them, especially if it involves something you don't feel strongly about. [3] X Research source
- For example, a controlling partner might get bent out of shape over the direction in which you vacuum the floor or the way you load the dishwasher.
- Because you don't want to cause a scene, you go along with what they want. This sets the stage for them to potentially control you in other ways in the future. This is especially likely if your partner knows that you try to avoid conflict.
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Your partner ridicules, belittles, or criticizes you. With a controlling or manipulative partner, you might feel as though you can't do anything right. They might also put you down or insult you in front of other people to make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. [4] X Research source
- For example, your partner might bring up an incident they know was super-embarrassing to you while the two of you have friends over. This uses the vulnerability of that moment against you.
- Your partner might also put down or insult your long-held beliefs, even if they've known about them from the day you met. Questioning long-held beliefs can cause you to doubt yourself or your perception of the world. [5] X Research source
- Sometimes this comes from a place of insecurity. Usually, your partner is trying to lift themselves up and make themselves seem better because they've put you down.
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Your partner questions your memory or denies something happened. This is related to control, in that your partner is trying to control the narrative. But it's also manipulative—your partner is trying to get you to doubt your own memory or your own senses. If they can achieve that, they can step in as the authority and control your very perspective of reality. This is commonly referred to as "gaslighting." [6] X Trustworthy Source WomensLaw.org Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence. Go to source
- Clinical Psychologist Lena Dicken notes that another form of gaslighting is when your partner "makes you feel like your feelings are wrong." For example, you might express that something your partner does makes you anxious and your partner replies that you're crazy or you're over-reacting. [7]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 5 February, 2021. - Dr. Dicken continues that standing up to gaslighting requires "a sense of confidence and a sense of self-assuredness. If you don't have the belief that your feelings are valid, then you're going to believe [your partner]." [8]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 5 February, 2021.
- Clinical Psychologist Lena Dicken notes that another form of gaslighting is when your partner "makes you feel like your feelings are wrong." For example, you might express that something your partner does makes you anxious and your partner replies that you're crazy or you're over-reacting. [7]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
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Your partner isolates you from your friends and family. Someone who is controlling likes to isolate you from friends and family so their narrative of events will hold dominance over anyone else's. They don't want anyone calling them out or questioning their actions or their motives. [9] X Research source
- Another reason controlling or manipulative partners may isolate you is because they have an insecure attachment to you and get jealous when you're with anyone else.
- For example, they might imagine that you're cheating on them with one of your friends or that one of your family members hates them and is trying to convince you to leave them.
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Your partner makes their love conditional on your actions. True love is unconditional—you don't have to do anything in particular, look a certain way, or act a certain way in order to get it. If your partner makes comments about how they'd love you more if you did this or that, that could be a sign that they're trying to control or manipulate you. [10] X Research source
- For example, your partner might say, "You know I love you, but I'd love you a lot more if you'd just lose a little weight and stop snacking on sweets all the time."
- A manipulative or controlling partner will often focus on something that you're sensitive about. For example, if you're sensitive about your weight, they might use this tactic to make you feel guilty about eating dessert or spending the evening on the couch watching TV.
- They might make affection conditional as well. For example, if your partner doesn't like when you wear makeup, they might say, "You know, I'd kiss you a lot more if you weren't wearing all that nasty makeup."
- Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that "if you're constantly questioning your relationship... or comparing yourself to other relationships," that's another sign that your relationship is likely unhealthy. [11]
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Expert Source
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
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You have uncomfortable sexual interactions with your partner. Sex should be something that's joyful and pleasurable for both of you. If your partner is pressuring you into doing things that you don't want to do, or into having sex when you don't want to, that could be a sign that they're trying to manipulate or control you. [12] X Research source
- They might also try to guilt trip you into doing things that you don't feel comfortable doing. For example, they might say, "If you loved me, you'd do this."
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Your partner wants to decide what you wear or what you eat. A partner who's controlling might want to take over decisions that really should be your own. They might try to guilt you into believing that if you really loved them you'd want to dress or act in a way that pleased them and not in a way that upset them or made them uncomfortable. [13] X Trustworthy Source WomensLaw.org Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence. Go to source
- For example, your partner might insult you for eating too much dessert, or call you names because you wear revealing clothing to go out with your friends.
- Licensed marriage and family therapist Lia Huynh notes that there are some times when it might be appropriate for your partner to tell you what to wear, such as if they're "concerned that it is not appropriate for the occasion." [14]
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Expert Source
Lia Huynh, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 5 May 2022. But absent those legitimate times, it's not usually appropriate for your partner to try to tell you what to wear.
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Your partner ignores you when they're angry. The silent treatment is about as emotionally manipulative as you can get. Your partner is essentially taking away any opportunity you might have to reason with them or come to a compromise on whatever the issue is. They typically want you to come to them first and make the sacrifice to appease them, rather than meeting you in the middle. [15] X Research source
- Sometimes, people use the silent treatment because they want to make the situation all about them. They know that if they withdraw their attention, the other person will miss them and beg them to come back. When that happens, they'll feel like they have the upper hand.
- This is also tied into the idea of conditional love. A partner who uses the silent treatment is conditioning their attention and affection on getting their way.
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Your partner is excessively jealous or paranoid about you cheating on them. Is your partner constantly looking over your shoulder when you're on your phone? Do they give you the third degree whenever you come home from running errands or meeting friends for coffee? Those are the actions of someone who's very insecure about their connection to you and is jealous of the time you spend away from them as a result. [16] X Research source
- In the beginning of your relationship, you might have found little jealous remarks your partner made flattering. But if those little remarks have snowballed over time, you're getting into toxic territory.
- Excessive jealousy may be due to your partner's personal insecurity or they may have an insecure attachment to you. Either of these things can lead to paranoia that you're going to leave them for someone else.
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You feel as though you're trapped in your relationship. If your partner has been trying to manipulate or control you for an extended period, they might have convinced you that they're your only option. They might even have led you to believe that no one else would want to be in a relationship with you because you're so difficult to get along with or because you're such a failure. [17] X Research source
- If you start thinking that you don't have any option but to be with your partner, stop and take a moment to remind yourself of all the awesome things you've accomplished on your own—either without your partner or before they entered your life.
- Your friends and family members can also help you counter this by telling you about all the things they love and appreciate about you—all the things that go into making you the wonderful person you are.
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Your partner makes threats against you or themselves. When your partner gets angry, they might threaten to leave or threaten to harm you or themselves. This is where you get into serious territory. Always take your partner at their word when they make threats like this and start making arrangements to keep everyone safe from harm. [18] X Trustworthy Source WomensLaw.org Site associated with the National Network to End Domestic Violence aimed at providing free legal resources and aid to survivors of domestic violence. Go to source
- They might also threaten people you love, your pets, or even things that you love. For example, if your partner threatens to break your favorite coffee mug or throw away your favorite T-shirt, that's a form of emotional manipulation.
- If your partner threatens suicide or self-harm, that can also be used as an emotional manipulation tactic—but it's best for all concerned to take them seriously. Put your relationship issues on the back burner and call a suicide hotline .
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Help Recognizing, Talking About, and Handling a Manipulative Relationship
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QuestionHow do I know if I'm in an unhealthy relationship?Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.Unhealthy relationships may involve physical or emotional abuse, but there can also be more subtle signs. For example, if you're not able to communicate what you're feeling to your partner, that can be unhealthy. If you're constantly questioning your relationship, or you compare your relationship to other couples, that can be unhealthy as well.
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Tips
- People of any gender can be controlling and manipulative.Thanks
- Trust your gut. If you feel something is off about your partner, it probably is.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- When you are bombarded out of the blue, hit the record button on your phone. Listen back to the conversation after it’s over. When you’re outside of a situation it’s sometimes easier to judge it for how it is.
- Don’t look back if you break up with them. If you’re wondering if your relationship is manipulative or bad for you, it probably is.
- Shut down all communication with them. It’s easy to feel guilty and go back to skilled manipulators.
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Warnings
- If your partner stalks you or makes any violent threats towards you, your friends and family, or your pets, don't take any chances— call law enforcement immediately. Take out a restraining order (it's free!) if you need to.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW .
References
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/signs-of-love-bombing/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 5 February, 2021.
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 5 February, 2021.
- ↑ https://www.murdoch.edu.au/news/articles/7-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse
- ↑ Lia Huynh, LMFT. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 5 May 2022.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation
- ↑ https://www.murdoch.edu.au/news/articles/7-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.murdoch.edu.au/news/articles/7-signs-of-a-toxic-relationship
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/i-statements-vs-you-statements/
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
- ↑ Allison Broennimann, PhD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202011/how-set-and-respect-boundaries-your-spouse
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202011/how-set-and-respect-boundaries-your-spouse
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202011/how-set-and-respect-boundaries-your-spouse
- ↑ https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-and-psychological-abuse
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-health/finding-a-therapist-who-can-help-you-heal.htm
- ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/5-powerful-self-care-tips-for-abuse-and-trauma-survivors/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
About This Article
Article Summary
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To recognize a manipulative or controlling relationship, check for the symptoms of an abusive partner. For example, your partner may be abusive if they embarrass you, put you down, tell you what to do, blame you for how they act, or grab you without your consent. Furthermore, controlling partners may display excessive jealousy or possessiveness, and try to hold you to a standard that they can't meet themselves. In some cases, you may also want to keep your ear to the ground for troubling stories or rumors about your partner, so you know if they're lying to you or manipulating other people, too. If you notice your partner displaying any of these signs, don't let them continue to mess with your head and drop them from your life, even if you still love them. For more advice, including how to tell if your relationship is making you unhappy, read on.
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- "It helped me to understand how to realize and recognize manipulative people and how not to let it happen anymore. I have a right to my thoughts, opinions, emotions and they have no right to tell me if I'm right, wrong, how I should feel or anything. I have a right to be who I am, their approval is not needed. Either they love me for who I am or they don't, but I'm not their puppet." ..." more
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"It helped me to understand how to realize and recognize manipulative people and how not to let it happen anymore. I have a right to my thoughts, opinions, emotions and they have no right to tell me if I'm right, wrong, how I should feel or anything. I have a right to be who I am, their approval is not needed. Either they love me for who I am or they don't, but I'm not their puppet."
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"My spouse is very manipulative and controlling. Since we have children together, I have opted to remain with him. However, I find articles like this one extremely helpful to remind me of how to react to his tirades and fault-finding monologues. I take time to refresh my memory with articles like this one. They help remind me of who I am and keep my feet on the ground, because when someone is constantly telling you who you are and how to think, it's easy to get bogged down emotionally and believe it."
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"This article saved me from my bf who was manipulating me even from the beginning of the relationship. I was really confused about his behaviour. I felt trapped really. I didn't actually know what I did wrong that he blames me too often. He even had the same symptoms mentioned here. He always used to say that he loves me so much and even I had the same feeling, that is the reason why I stayed in this relationship for so long. Now I have realised I have done good."
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"I've kind of been thinking my long term gf was manipulating me, but it's only from reading your article, particularly the list of manipulating behavior, that I have realized how much she does it and how insidious it is. Has convinced me that I need to get out asap. I like the direct, non mincing of words tone to the way it was written. Thanks."
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"Learned to just be me and be an individual. I'm married, but I am still allowed to go and do and enjoy my friends and family. He does, but to him, it seems to be different than when I do. I come home from visiting and he has me discouraged saying I should be home."
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