How to Show Effort in a Relationship

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Show your partner that you love them & value your relationship
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It’s easy to think about the perfect relationship like a fairytale romance, but the truth is, every relationship takes work. Even the happiest of couples have to put in the effort, so you’re not alone! The good news is there are plenty of things you can do to turn things around and show them that you’re making an effort. Show effort daily by acknowledging your partner, affirming them, and doing your best to communicate and understand them. The occasional gift or date night doesn’t hurt either! To help you do it, we’ve put together a list of tips and strategies you can use to make it happen (and make them happy).

Tips for Putting Effort Into Your Relationship

  1. Tell your partner that you love them.
  2. Express gratitude for what they do for you.
  3. Give them a gift.
  4. Prioritize your time together.
  5. Try new things together.
1

Acknowledge the little things they do for you.

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  1. [1] Your partner probably does a ton of small things for you on a daily basis. Whether it’s taking out the trash, washing a load of laundry, walking the dog, or making the bed, be thankful for it! Show them you notice by telling them that you appreciate all that they do for you. [2]
    • It’s easy to get locked into a routine and not notice some of the small stuff they do for you. Commit to looking for and thanking them for their help.
    • You could say, “I saw you emptied the kitty litter. Thanks so much for doing that, it’s really nice.”
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2

Express your love for them more often.

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  1. It may seem simple, but just by taking the time to say, “I love you” can really give your relationship a boost. [3] When you pass them in a room, try giving them a hug or gently touch their shoulder or arm to let them know you love them. You can also commit to being more intimate to express your love physically and keep your relationship healthy and strong (while also having a little fun with your partner while you’re at it). [4]
    • There doesn’t have to be any reason to tell them you love them! You could just be hanging out in the backyard or driving in the car and look over and say, “Hey, I love you.”
    • A gently, playful squeeze when you pass by can be a sweet way to say I love you without saying anything at all.
3

Surprise them with little gifts.

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  1. You don’t have to wait for a birthday or a special event to get the person you love a nice gift. Grab them a tasty snack or a sweet treat for no reason. Pick up some flowers while you’re out shopping for groceries. Let them know that you’re thinking of them by surprising them with something small that will brighten up their day. [5]
    • Gifts can be practical, too! Grab a new pair of socks or flip-flops if you notice your they could use them.
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4

Spend quality time together.

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  1. It’s easy to get lost in your daily routine and resort to mostly communicating by phone or through text messages. While it’s good to stay in touch, it’s really important that you make the effort to physically spend time together so you can look at and listen to each other. [6] Commit to spending some time together every single day to catch up and enjoy each other’s company. [7]
    • Think of your time together as a break from the responsibilities and chaos of your day-to-day life. Enjoy it!
5

Try something new together.

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  1. Going to the same restaurants or movie theaters every date night can get boring. Mix it up by trying a dancing or a cooking class. Go to an art exhibit or a museum. Take them to see a new play or to check out a restaurant you’ve never been to before. Try to find ways to spice up the ways you spend time with them and they’ll love you for it. [8]
    • You can also be more open to trying things they want to do. Even if you’re not thrilled about taking a salsa dancing class, they may love it if you’re willing to give it a shot with them. And who knows—it could be fun!
    • It can be simple, too. You could go to a park or drive to check out a scenic view together.
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6

Choose to have a positive mindset.

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  1. Commit to avoiding slipping back into bad moods or looking at problems and disputes in your relationship through a negative lens. Tell your partner that you’re going to be more positive in your interactions with them and then follow up with it. They’ll see that you’re putting in the work to make your relationship happier and healthier. [9]
    • For instance, if they tell you that they’re really tired and don’t feel like making dinner, instead of getting upset about not having dinner, you could look at it as an opportunity to cook something yourself or order some tasty takeout.
    • You can also be more positive in your interactions. If they tell you that they need your help with something this weekend, don’t get upset that you’re missing out on your plans. Instead, tell them that you’re happy to help them with whatever they need.
    • Don’t make empty promises! Stick to your word and try to be positive every chance you get.
7

Ask them questions about their day.

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  1. Make the effort to find out what’s going on in their world. Find out how their day was by asking about work, school, difficulties they encountered, things they enjoyed, and anything else that might have happened to them. They’ll appreciate you taking the time to talk to them about it. [10]
    • It’s also a great way to help them let off some steam if they’ve been stressed out, which they’ll love you for.
    • Try asking, “Hi sweetheart, how was your day? Was work okay?”
    • If you don't live together or see each other every day, make an effort to reach out over text or phone call at least once a day.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 345 wikiHow readers about how often they like to talk to their partner, and 69% of them agreed that they like to check in every day . [Take Poll]
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8

Talk about deep and personal subjects.

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  1. While it’s great to communicate with your partner in general, it’s also important that you talk to them about more than just their workday or what they had for lunch. Ask them deeper questions about how they’re feeling or what they think about something. Talk about personal, intimate things, and don’t be afraid to bring up difficult subjects. Show them that they can confide in you and trust you. [11]
    • For instance, you could ask, “How’s your anxiety been lately? Feeling like it’s better or worse?”
    • You could also try, “Have you talked to your mom lately? I know you were upset with her.”
9

Be engaged when they talk to you.

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  1. Show them you’re actively listening to them by maintaining active eye contact. Don’t look away (or worse, down at your phone) and try nodding and reacting to what they’re saying so they know you’re paying attention. [12]
    • Put away distractions like cell phones and turn off the TV so you can really listen to them as well.
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10

Validate their feelings.

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  1. [13] Tell them that you understand how they feel to help make them feel better. Offer up your sympathies if they’re struggling with something so they feel like you’re there to support them. If you can’t think of anything to say, you can simply thank them for sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. [14]
    • Try, “I totally get how that would be frustrating, I’m sorry you have to deal with that.”
    • You could also try, “You have every right to be upset about it. It’s okay to be angry.”
    • If you aren’t sure what to say, try, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I really appreciate it.”
11

Tell them your secrets.

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  1. Communicate deeper things about yourself, too. Talk about anything that’s been bothering you lately. Confess to any secrets that you have, even if they’re small like lying about saying you went for a run when you didn’t or if you said something you regret at work. Show them that you trust them enough to confide in them. [15]
    • If they’re willing to tell you things about themselves, it’s important that you’re willing to make the effort to reciprocate.
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12

Ask for something if you need it.

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  1. Your partner isn’t a mind-reader! If there’s something you want or if there’s a need you feel like isn’t being met, talk to them about it. [16] It’s the only way they can actually know. They may be able to give you what you need or help you find a way to get it. [17]
    • For instance, if you feel like they aren’t listening to you, say, “I need you to listen to me about this, please.”
    • If you need their help with something, try asking, “I’ve got this big assignment that’s due next week, can you help me out by handling dinner and some of the housework?”
13

Go to couple’s counseling.

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  1. It’s totally normal for most relationships to have their ups and downs, but if you’re both really struggling to work through some things, a professional can help. [18] A therapist, counselor, or psychologist that specializes in couple’s counseling can give you the tools to help you find healthy ways of dealing with conflict and stress in your relationship. [19]
    • You also don’t have to wait until there’s trouble in your relationship! Couple’s counseling can benefit anybody.
    • Going to counseling is also a great way to show your partner that you’re committed to making things work.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you know if a guy is making an effort?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    He might intentionally make an effort to spend time with you even when he has a busy schedule.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    How do you fix communication problems in a relationship?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Make an effort to understand your partner's communication style in addition to your own. That could improve your communication overall.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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  • Question
    How do I become more considerate to my partner?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Try to be mindful and accommodating of your partner's needs. When you both lead busy lives, it's easy for partners to feel like they're the ones doing more in the relationship.
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      Tips

      • Find times that work for you and your partner to spend time together. For instance, maybe after dinner or right after you get home works best.
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      References

      1. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201412/10-ways-improve-any-relationship
      3. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201412/10-ways-improve-any-relationship
      5. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ways-to-put-effort-in-a-relationship/
      6. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/relationship-help.htm
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201309/8-ways-make-your-relationship-work-better
      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ways-to-put-effort-in-a-relationship/
      2. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage/healthy-relationships
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/attention-couples-becoming-a-skilled-listener-and-effective-speaker#1
      4. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201412/10-ways-improve-any-relationship
      6. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ways-to-put-effort-in-a-relationship/
      7. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mate-relate-and-communicate/201412/10-ways-improve-any-relationship
      9. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      10. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage/healthy-relationships

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