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Helping someone who may not want help
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If someone is considering suicide, your first move should always be to call emergency services , such as dialing 911 or the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (988; also reachable by text) in the US. Or, message the Crisis Text Line at 741741, or dial your local suicide hotline for those outside the US. We'll help you speak with someone in imminent danger, support them through thoughts of suicide, and offer some warning signs to take note of. Talking someone out of suicide is a difficult process, and you should always contact professionals to handle this delicate situation.
Things You Should Know
- Call an emergency service like 911 or 988 (the suicide hotline) if you believe someone may attempt suicide.
- Encourage the person to talk about their problems, and do not leave them alone.
- Remove dangerous objects like weapons from their vicinity.
Steps
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Contact emergency services immediately if someone is about to end their life. You need emergency responders, especially first-aid, to be there as soon as humanly possible. If you need to be with someone and they won't let you call, try to get someone else to call. If someone is on a bridge, holding a weapon, or otherwise threatening their own life, your first move needs to be to call emergency services . You should never try and handle this on your own.
- Mental health professionals, such as therapists or counselors, should be notified as soon as possible.
- If someone is adamant that you don't call the police, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (in the USA) at 988.
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Ask them directly if they are thinking of ending their life. You will not be "putting the thought inside their heads." Suicide is everywhere in modern media and news, and mentioning it will not be the spark that makes them decide to take their life. You need to be direct, open, and honest with the person if you want them to be direct with you. [1] X Research source [2] X Research source
- Ask if they have a specific suicide plan. Is this a recent thought or have they formulated a plan? If they have, do not leave them alone under any circumstances.
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Listen to their problems instead of trying to fix them. The most important thing you can do to prevent suicide is to just listen to the person's problems. You do not have the skills or knowledge needed to "fix" someone with suicidal tendencies, so don't try. Just let them talk about their feelings, their desire to kill themselves, and their issues. Ask simple, kind questions: "What's wrong?" "What is causing you to feel like this?" "How long have you been thinking about this?" "Tell me about your thoughts." [3] X Research source
- Never argue with someone or try and convince them not to kill themselves. You just need to listen and validate their distress .
- Don't tell someone, "You have so much to live for." Someone contemplating suicide has already rejected this idea, deciding they don't have much to live for, and this will only reinforce the thought. [4] X Research source Instead, try asking them, “What has kept you fighting against ending your life so far?” and help them focus on what they value in life.
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Do not leave the person alone. It doesn't matter how angry or upset they are, a suicidal person cannot be left to themselves, even for a moment. If you cannot physically be with them, make sure there is someone who is. Now is not the time to worry about what they think—your continued presence will often prevent them from doing anything drastic, and they will appreciate your love and care later.
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Show compassion and empathy with their plight. This is likely the hardest, most painful decision and moment in a person's life. They do not want to hear that "it will all get better" or that "this would crush your family." He/she needs to hear that you are there for them. Let them know that you know "things must be really awful right now," and that you are there to support them. You can admit that you don't have any answers, but still be there for them to rely on. Remember, your job is just to listen and be a friend, not "fix" them.
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Know that someone's suicide, if it happens, is never your fault. In the worst-case scenario, it may feel like you made a mistake or failed in some way. Do not blame yourself for their death, or feel like you "should have stopped them." Ultimately, suicide is a personal decision, and if that person decided to end their life, there was little that could be done to stop them. There are millions of factors that likely led to their decision, and you cannot think that you were the tipping point—you were not.
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Encourage the person to find ongoing support. It’s important to encourage the person to seek help from a therapist or at least from other friends and family if they’re not willing to consider therapy. Let them know that you’re there for them, too. You might also offer to help them seek support, such as by looking up therapists with them, contacting a family member or friend of theirs for them, or providing them with other resources to help them.
- The person might also benefit from telling their employer and requesting reasonable accommodations while they seek help for depression.
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Ask if they consider killing themselves. It is a myth that you are "putting the idea in their heads." If someone displays the warning signs of suicide, you need to talk to them. You need to be simple and direct, asking them if there is any chance that they hurt themselves. You need to have an open conversation about suicide, as hard as that may be. Some good ways to ask include:
- "Have you considered hurting yourself?"
- "Do you know how you would do it?"
- "Are you planning on committing suicide?" [5] X Research source
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Talk to a professional. You cannot, and should not, shoulder this burden alone. Even if your friends swears you to secrecy, you need to break the oath and let someone know. This person can be a hotline staff member, a counselor, or a trusted adult. You need to enlist the support of trained, responsible people who can help your friend far better than you can.
- Call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 to talk through this difficult time and find strategies for helping someone.
- If you'd be more comfortable messaging someone, connect with a trained crisis counselor by texting the Crisis Text line at 741741 in the US. If you're in Canada, the number is 686868, and in the UK the number is 85258.
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Suggest different people for them to see for therapy. Push them to call a hotline, see a counselor/therapist, or join a support group. Help them see that there is no stigma to therapy, and that there is no reason to feel ashamed of getting help. You need to get them talking to someone about their thoughts, and mental health experts are trained to help prevent tragedies like this.
- Offer to support them through their therapy. Join them at appointments, help them do research, and/or drive them to and from meetings. [6] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
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Keep talking and communicating. Encourage them to open up to you. Ask how they are doing, how things have been progressing, and then just listen. Give them a chance to talk to you about anything on their mind. Don't feel like you need to give advice or place blame—just keep the conversation flowing. [7] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Let the person express themselves however they feel comfortable. You don't need to judge them or curtail their thoughts, just prevent them from hurting themselves. [8] X Research source
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Encourage them to practice regular self-care . Ask the person what they enjoy doing and what helps them to feel relaxed. This might include a special interest, hobby, or doing something calming, such as taking a long bath. Encourage them to make time for these activities as part of a regular self-care routine and let them know that this may help them to relieve stress, develop more resilience, and feel better in general.
- For example, they could set aside 30 minutes daily to go bird watching if that’s something they enjoy, or designate the last hour before bedtime as their bath and beauty hour where they draw a luxurious bath and take their time relaxing.
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Stay with them if you are worried that suicide may be imminent. If, in response to your question "do you know how you'd do it?" you get a response, you should not leave their side. If they have a plan in place, then they are far down the road of suicidal thoughts and should have constant support. If you do need to leave them, and they do not seem likely to commit suicide soon, you should still get them to talk to someone, even if just over the phone, before you go. [9] X Research source
- This is another reason you ' must tell other people that they are considering suicide. A big support system is one of the best ways to prevent a tragedy.
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Remove dangerous substances and items from their houses. Take away any weapons, blades, ropes, or prescription drugs. In addition, keep them away from alcohol and other drugs, as these can influence people to act in ways they may not sober. Enlist other friends or family members to help you keep an eye out for dangerous objects and get them out of the way. [10] X Research source
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Immediately contact emergency services if someone says that they want to kill or hurt themselves. If someone tells you that they are considering killing themselves, you need to contact a professional immediately. Even if they ask you "not to tell anyone" or to keep this "between you two," you need to seek out help to prevent someone from hurting themselves.
- You can reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. They can help you help your friend, and they can help talk someone down who is considering taking their own life. [11] X Research source
- If you or your friend would be more comfortable texting, send a message to the Crisis Text Line. Their number is 741741 in the US, 686868 in Canada, and 85258 in the UK. For more information, visit https://www.crisistextline.org .
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Note any drastic shifts in behavior. People considering suicide often experience rapid, intense personality changes once they've made their decision. Oftentimes this is negative, with the person acting withdrawn, depressed, or aggressive. But some people swing the opposite direction, suddenly becoming happier and calm despite months of low-energy and sadness. The important things to look out for are drastic, unexplained mood or personality shifts, not one specific "type" of behavior.
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Listen for any troubling language or statements. People on the verge of suicide often "call out" to friends and family for help, broadcasting their intentions and sadness. Some comments to watch out for include:
- "It would be better if I wasn't around," "you're better off without me."
- "Life is hopeless," "I feel like a waste of space and time."
- "I feel trapped," "I can't see any way out of this."
- Talking about unbearable and/or constant pain.
- Talking about ways a person could die or kill themselves.
- Calling to say "goodbye" or set affairs in order, especially "if anything happens to me." [12] X Research source
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Prevent reckless, semi-suicidal "death wishes. " Some people suffering from suicidal thoughts will take huge risks, believing their lives don't matter. This may include running red lights, excessive drinking or drug use, and dangerous, random new hobbies. When together, encourage safer, simpler activities and conversation [13] X Research source
- Substance abuse, through either drugs or alcohol, is a major indicator of depression or suicidal thoughts. If someone suddenly wants to get drunk every single night you should keep your eye on them.
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Check in on friends who have withdrawn from friendly, normal behavior regularly. Withdrawing from public life, often matched by sudden disinterest in previously loved hobbies and games, is a hallmark of suicidal behavior. Many people will retreat into their own worlds, feeling like there life is not worth other's time. If you feel like a friend has disappeared on you, make an effort to get in touch. See if there is a reason for their absence or if you should be worried about something serious.
- If you are unsure what to do, or if a friend is telling the truth, try and talk to them as much as possible. The more time you spend with them, the easier it will be to determine if you should get help.
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Recognize when someone is planning for their death. Changing or drafting a will, giving away prized possessions, and saying surprisingly deep or serious goodbyes are all indications that someone is ready to push forward with suicide. If an otherwise healthy person seems to be arranging their own death, setting aside provisions for family and friends, it is time to contact help. [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Know that a suicidal friend may be actively searching out ways to hurt themselves. If you notice them searching online for ways to kill themselves or they suddenly buy a weapon, like a gun, you should be on high alert. Random purchases of knives or guns or research into recent deaths or suicides is a strong indicator that someone wants to hurt themselves, and you should consider calling Emergency Services. [15] X Research source
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Know the risk factors for suicidal tendencies. Some people are more disposed towards suicidal thoughts than others depending on their life and upbringing. Knowing these risk factors can help you look out for your friend's safety and find help.
- Previous suicide attempts.
- Family history of mental disorder, substance abuse, and/or suicide.
- Physical or sexual abuse, or exposure to extreme violence.
- Chronic physical and/or mental illness, including chronic pain.
- Incarceration.
- Exposure/closeness to other victims of suicide. [16] X Research source
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow do I get my depressed 21-year-old son to get professional help?Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 crisis support via text. Those in crisis can text 741741 to be connected with a trained Crisis Counselor. They've exchanged over 100 million messages with people in crisis around the US and are rapidly expanding.The first step to getting anyone help is to start the conversation. Lead with kindness, express your concern and support, and let them know that you are here for them. Perhaps offer to make the first appointment with a counselor together or offer to accompany them to their first appointment if possible. It’s so admirable that you are being so supportive of your family and offering a helping hand is a great first step to helping your son.
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QuestionMy best friend wants to commit suicide and has so many cuts on her arm. She told me she's not ready to open up. Do you know what I can tell her to prevent it?Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 crisis support via text. Those in crisis can text 741741 to be connected with a trained Crisis Counselor. They've exchanged over 100 million messages with people in crisis around the US and are rapidly expanding.It sounds like your friend might not be ready to open up about this yet. There may not be a “perfect” thing to say, but rather, the best thing to do might be to show your support. Let your friend know that you are here when they are ready to talk about their cuts and that they can reach out to you for support when they may be struggling.
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QuestionI'm trying to help a friend but I can't call the suicide hotline right now. Is there any way I could contact them via text?Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 crisis support via text. Those in crisis can text 741741 to be connected with a trained Crisis Counselor. They've exchanged over 100 million messages with people in crisis around the US and are rapidly expanding.The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline offers chat services online at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org if you are unable to call. You can also text “HOME” to 741741 to be connected to a trained crisis counselor at Crisis Text Line.
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Tips
- The US suicide hotline is 988. If you are worried about someone committing suicide, call or text this number or tell them to call/text it.Thanks
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Warnings
- You are not responsible for stopping someone from suicide. You should do your best, but call professionals immediately. NEVER assume that you can handle this all on your own.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
- ↑ https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/sphone.htm
- ↑ https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide?page=2#1
- ↑ http://www.suicide.org/how-to-help-a-suicidal-person.html
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707?pg=2
- ↑ http://www.suicide.org/how-to-help-a-suicidal-person.html
- ↑ http://www.suicide.org/how-to-help-a-suicidal-person.html
- ↑ http://www.suicide.org/how-to-help-a-suicidal-person.html
- ↑ https://save.org/about-suicide/warning-signs-risk-factors-protective-factors/
- ↑ https://988lifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm
- ↑ https://save.org/about-suicide/warning-signs-risk-factors-protective-factors/
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide
About This Article
Article Summary
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Before you try to talk someone out of suicide, immediately call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. This is a serious and scary situation and you shouldn’t have to handle it on your own. Let the person know that you’re there for them by listening to their problems, but don’t try to fix those problems. Ask questions like, “Why do you feel like this?” and “How long have you been thinking about this?” Stay with the person until help arrives. Keep reading to learn some of the warning signs of suicide.
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