How to Talk to Parents So They'll Understand

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

Ever feel like it’s hard to get your parents to understand you? Even though they were your age once, you might feel that they simply can’t relate to you or your struggles. But, if you want to have a close relationship with them, you need to be able to speak to them effectively. You can help your parents understand you by being honest and open, picking the right time and place to talk, and working to build trust.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Coming Up with a Plan

PDF download Download Article
  1. Write down what you want to discuss and what you want to achieve. Plan ahead for what your parent’s concerns will be and put steps in place to prevent their worries. During this time, be as responsible as possible at home so your parents are more likely to listen to you. [1]
    • For instance, you may want to go to a party this weekend but your parents don’t typically let you go out. Tell them they can have the other parents’ number, you'll be home by curfew, and you'll keep your phone on you at all times.
  2. Depending on the topic, one of your parents might be easier to talk to than the other. If you feel that that is the case, talk to the parent who you feel most comfortable with. Pull them aside when the other is not at home to have a discussion. [2]
    • For instance, if you want to get on birth control but your dad is totally against it, you might talk to your mom instead. She might be willing to help you get on the Pill without your father’s consent.
    Advertisement
  3. Maybe you tried to talk to your parents about this issue in the past, but they refused to hear you out. Remember that sometimes in-person chats are not the best route. Consider emails, texts, or letters if your parents are not good listeners or if you are afraid to talk to them. [3]
    • For instance, perhaps you have been dealing with depression for a while, but your parents don’t “believe in mental illness.” Write them a letter talking about your experience and how it affects you. Include outside information from trustworthy sources as needed to help you explain your experience.
    • Give them the letter late at night or right before you go to school so they have time to process it away from you.
  4. If you would prefer to talk in person, plan the discussion in advance. Check in with your parents in the morning to see when would be a good time to chat. You can even text them during the day to set a time, as well. [4]
    • Say "Dad, I want to talk to you about something. When would be a good time for us to talk?"
  5. Otherwise, their mind will be elsewhere and they will either get irritated or not give you their undivided attention. Avoid having serious talks when it seems like they had a hard day at work or during their favorite show. [5]
    • If your issue is urgent, tell them immediately. For instance, if you are in trouble or are considering harming yourself, tell them as soon as possible.
  6. When possible, have these discussions when you are calm. You will be better able to articulate your thoughts clearly. [6] A little emotion can be helpful in serious discussion, but too much can make you seem immature. [7]
    • Know when tears are inappropriate. If you need to tell your mom that you’re pregnant, crying is understandable. If you want to go to the beach with your friends, however, tears may be a bit overboard.
  7. Your parents may be more likely to trust a knowledgeable third party who can back up your point and provide additional information. Find another family member, mentor or teacher you trust who you can talk to. They may be able to coach you through your talk with your parents. Or perhaps they will be able to give you the advice that you are looking for in general. [8]
    8. Advertisement
Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Having a Talk with Your Parents

PDF download Download Article
  1. Start with a statement that explains the issue you want to address and will help you segway into discussing your feelings. Be brief and to the point when introducing the topic. [9]
    • Calmly open the chat with a statement like, "I feel that it's unfair that I couldn't go to the party Friday night."
  2. Talk about what has been bothering you and why. It’s really important that you be truthful with your parents during this process, no matter how difficult it might seem. [10]
    • Say something like “I got a speeding ticket because I was about to be late for my curfew. I’m sorry. I know this will cost a lot of money, but I already talked to my supervisor and she’s going to give me extra shifts on the weekends. I understand if I need to be punished, though.”
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Transparency is key in any honest conversation. Be open in sharing what's on your mind, but actively listen and respect your parent's viewpoints when they respond.

  3. When having a serious talk with your family, avoid saying “you always” or “you never.” Instead, focus on you and your feelings, and stick to the facts. Avoid blaming other people or becoming defensive. In order for them to understand you, they need to hear things from your perspective. [11]
    • Say “When I have to stay home on Saturday nights instead of hanging out with Marissa, I feel sad and like I’m missing out on time with my friends.”
  4. If you can understand the ‘why,’ then you can address what needs to change. Parents often have legitimate reasons for making certain decisions, so try to understand where they are coming from. Listen to their reasoning without interruption. [12]
    • For instance, perhaps your parents don’t want you going out with your significant other because they are fearful that you’ll make a bad decision. Spend time with your SO along with your parents until they feel more comfortable with you two going out alone.
  5. During this conversation, keep your voice down. Avoid yelling, cursing or whining at all costs. Take a few deep breaths to calm down when you feel stressed. Remember that the more mature you are, the more likely they’ll be able to understand you. [13]
  6. Brainstorm some potential fixes with your parents, and be willing to compromise if they are not fully on your side. Even if you can’t get your way, you may be able to come to a partial understanding.
    • For example, if you want to get a tattoo and your parents can’t understand why, then suggest that if you still want the same tattoo in six months you can talk reopen the conversation again.
    • Or if you want to go to a college that’s not local, suggest taking a tour with your family.
  7. Even if your parents do not understand you immediately, don’t worry! People often need some time to process things before they can completely get them. If you are hoping your parents will change their mind about something, give them some time. Until then, respect their decision.
    • For instance, if your mom told you you can’t get a tattoo, don’t sneak and get one. Wait until she approves it or until you have the money and are no longer living with her to do so.
    8. Advertisement
Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Improving Your Relationship

PDF download Download Article
  1. Tell them you understand how important trust is. If you have broken their trust in the past, earn it moving forward. Ask them what you can do to earn their trust back. Start by being honest, dependable and trustworthy. Remember that your actions speak louder than words, so you will have to do what you say you will do consistently to earn their trust back.
    • Always be where you say you’ll be and do as you said you would do. Go above and beyond to show your parents that you are responsible.
  2. Relationships are built on more than just difficult conversations with your parents. Spend some time checking in with them often about your life. Talk to them about the good grade you got on your chemistry final or a cool movie you saw with friends. Talking to them about the little things will make discussing big things easier. [14]
  3. Unless your parents are unreasonable, most people are willing to find a happy medium. If you want your curfew to be extended by two hours, see if your parents will extend it by one hour for now. Ask if you can do extra chores at home in exchange for other privileges you want.
  4. In order to be perceived as more mature, do all of your chores at home. Complete your homework without having to be asked and keep your room neat. Take out the trash, do the dishes, or cook dinner even on the nights when it’s not your turn. Your parents likely do a lot around home - give them a break sometimes.
  5. Your parents might have seen your side of things immediately, or perhaps they did not. If not, follow up with them to see how they’re feeling. Check in after a few weeks to see where their head is at and if they’ve had a change of heart. [15]
    • Say something like “Hey Dad, have you thought any more about me going on the Senior Trip since we last talked? The money is due in a couple of weeks.”
    6. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How do you talk to your parents without arguing?
    Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Sirvart Mesrobian is a Clinical Psychologist based in West Los Angeles and Glendale, California. With over nine years of professional and research experience, Dr. Mesrobian specializes in individual, family, and couples treatment for young adults and adults. Dr. Mesrobian provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, motivational interviewing, trauma-focused treatments, and other services. She earned a Master's in Psychology and a Doctorate of Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University.
    Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    First, take a deep breath and be patient. Listen to their point of view without interruption and validate their perspective. Then, offer your perspective in a calm and respectful tone. If they disagree, recognize it does not invalidate your point of view, but allows you both to have an opinion of your own.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 15
  • Question
    I'm scared to ask my mom if we can just live alone without my stepdad. What should I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    It would be helpful to find a private time to bring up the subject to your mom directly. Make sure to let her know why you feel the way you do by using "I: statements. If this is too difficult to do in person, then consider writing her a letter.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 5 Helpful 45
  • Question
    What if there is no change after talking to them or they get angry?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You may need to drop the subject and resume at a later time when your parents are less emotional and when you have more factual information to back-up your case. Sometimes, you may just have to go along with their rules as well.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 24 Helpful 43
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Reader Videos

      Tips

      • Avoid statements that include the phrases, "You never" and "You always ..." It will put them on the defensive and take the focus off the main point.
        Thanks
        Helpful 5 Not Helpful 0
      • Provide a list of reasons to support your argument. Parents sometimes listen to reason if they know you've thought about this seriously. Sometimes, it can gain their respect. Also keep the lines of communication open.
        Thanks
        Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
      • If you want to be heard, you also have to listen. Don't run off in a huff at the first opportunity; stick it out.
        Thanks
        Helpful 2 Not Helpful 1
      Show More Tips

      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • When you want to discuss something with your parents, choose a time when everyone is calm. Speaking respectfully in a relaxed setting makes it more likely your parents will listen openly.
      • After you've talked, give your parents time to think it over before following up. People often need time to process new information or perspectives before their views can change.
      • Explain how you feel using "I" statements rather than blaming. Saying "I feel left out when I can't join my friends" comes across better than "You never let me have any fun."
      • Suggest compromises whenever possible. Maybe your curfew can be extended by 30 minutes rather than 2 hours. Offer to take on more chores in exchange for other privileges.
      • Do your part around the house without being asked. Completing chores and homework without nagging shows maturity and will make your parents see you as more responsible.
      • Talk to your parents about good things too, not just when you want something. Checking in about your day builds trust and makes bigger conversations easier.
      • Ask your parents to explain their concerns. If you understand where they are coming from, you can better address their worries when proposing solutions.
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      Warnings

      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Talk to Your Parents
      How to
      Be a Good Daughter
      How to
      Deal With Catching Your Parents Having Sex
      How to
      Get Your Phone Back when Your Parents Take it Away
      How to
      Deal With a Terrible Dad
      How to
      Get Your Mom to Forgive You After You Do Something Stupid
      How to
      Deal With Your Parents Fighting
      How to
      Deal with Emotionally Abusive Parents & When to Cut Ties
      How to
      Deal With Your Parents Shouting at You
      How to
      Get Ungrounded
      How to
      Get Your Parents to Calm Down when You Get a Bad Grade
      How to
      Stop Being Rude to Your Parents
      How to
      Tell if Your Parents Are Abusive
      How to
      Deal with an Alcoholic Parent As an Adult
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      2. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      3. ↑ http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-how-to-talk-to-parents.aspx
      4. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      5. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      6. ↑ Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.
      7. ↑ http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-how-to-talk-to-parents.aspx
      8. ↑ http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-how-to-talk-to-parents.aspx
      9. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      1. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      2. ↑ Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.
      3. ↑ Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.
      4. ↑ Sirvart Mesrobian, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 13 July 2021.
      5. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-parents.html
      6. ↑ http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-how-to-talk-to-parents.aspx

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      It can be frustrating to talk to your parents sometimes, but by communicating what you're feeling, you can get them to understand you. When you start the conversation, get straight to the issue. Say something like, “I feel like it’s unfair that I can’t go to the party on Friday.” Then, calmly ask them what their concerns are so you can come up with solutions. For example, if your parents are worried about you being out late, you could promise to call and check-in before coming home. If you think your parents will get mad, consider just talking to the parent who’s better at listening so they can help you talk to your other parent about it. If it’s hard to bring up, write your parents a letter or email instead. While your parents may not understand you now, likely they'll come around sooner or later. To learn how to earn your parent’s trust, read on!

      Did this summary help you?
      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 273,618 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Shari Amos

        May 29, 2017

        "I just needed some general information on this subject. I'll figure the rest out on an individual basis. "
        Rated this article:
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement