How to Tell Someone You're Not Ready for Sex

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What to do and say when your partner wants sex but you don't
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Maybe you've been dating someone for a while, or maybe you just started dating that person. Or, maybe you just met them a few minutes ago. Regardless, your partner wants to have sex, but you don’t want to go that far at this point. You also don't want to upset your partner or make them feel rejected. Saying “No,” doesn’t have to be a big deal! We talked to psychologists and relationship coaches to help you turn down sex, talk to your partner about intimacy, and feel good about your decision.

This article is for people who may eventually want sex with their partner, but don’t right now. For help with navigating topics like asexuality, check out our article that talks all about it!

Telling Someone You Don’t Want Sex: Overview

Be clear, honest, and to the point. Tell them plainly that you don’t want to have sex. If you’re comfortable, tell them why, but don’t feel pressured to. If you like, tell them if there’s something you want instead, like cuddling, kissing, or just spending time together. Remember that just saying “no” is enough.

Section 1 of 3:

Saying No to Sex in the Moment

  1. As soon as something makes you uncomfortable, speak up! “State directly that this is something that makes you feel uncomfortable and you would kindly like it to stop,” says clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar. Tell them you’re not ready , and make your words plain and simple. [1] That way, it’s clear that you’re saying “No,” and there’s no room for confusion. For example, say:
    • “I really like you, but I’m just not ready to take that step yet. Let’s do something else.”
    • “I don’t want to have sex right now. Let’s talk about it.”
    • “I’m waiting until I’m in a committed relationship to have sex. Let’s take it slow.”
    • “Thanks for asking, but I don’t really feel that way about you.”
    • “I’m not really in the mood for that. Let’s see how we feel later.”
  2. Telling them why you don’t want to have sex helps them understand your perspective, and helps you both find a solution that suits your needs. That said, a simple “No, thank you,” is always enough, and you should never feel pressured to say “Yes,” or feel guilty about maintaining your boundaries. For example, say: [2]
    • “I only enjoy sex with someone I’m very close to. I’m waiting for a relationship.”
    • “I’m not comfortable having sex here. Let’s go somewhere else.”
    • “You’re sweet, but I don’t think we have that sort of relationship.”
    • “I don’t want to have sex, and that’s all there is to it.”
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  3. Just because you don’t want sex doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t want to be intimate. If there’s something else you want to do, let your partner know. Of course, don’t feel pressured to compromise, or to keep doing things that might lead to sex if it makes you uncomfortable. It’s okay to just say “No.” Remember that you can change your mind at any time, even during sex. [3]
    • “I’m not ready for that, but I do want to kiss you.”
    • “That’s too much for me right now. Can we just cuddle instead?”
    • “I don’t feel comfortable doing that, but I do want to ______.”
  4. When you’re in a relationship, sex may become an option later, even if it’s not on the table right now. If you think that might be what you want, tell them that. That way, they know that your relationship can still change and evolve—if they play their cards right. [4]
    • Don’t say this if you don’t mean it! Lying to your partner about your interest is unfair. Be honest.
    • If you’re not sure what you want, tell them that, too. Say, “I don’t want sex right now, and I don’t really know what I’m looking for in that area, but I’m open to figuring it out.”
  5. If they’re being respectful and polite, it’s good to be polite back. Tell them how much you appreciate them respecting your boundaries, and let them know it means a lot to you. You might also let them know that it’s not because they’re not attractive, just that you’re not ready. “Tell them something nice about themselves, notice something good about them, and always use your please and thank-yous,” Tovar suggests.
    • “Thanks for being a good sport. That makes me feel seen and heard.”
    • “You’re so sweet for understanding. I appreciate you.”
    • “You’re an absolute gentleman, and a very cute one, too.
  6. “If the person has a hard time hearing you say no, be firm and resolute,” Tovar says. If they keep trying to convince you, make you feel bad for your decision, or try to force you, you don’t have to be polite. Get up and leave, phone a friend to come get you, or even ask a stranger for help, if you feel unsafe.
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Section 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Partner About Sex

  1. If you’re in a committed relationship, it helps to understand your feelings and why you feel them, so you can communicate those feelings to your partner. [5] Write down your reasons on a piece of paper and rehearse them ahead of time in front of a mirror, to your friends, or to yourself. Then when your partner asks, you'll have a ready answer. The following are some reasons you may want to include:
    • Preventing pregnancy .
    • Respecting your religion or personal beliefs.
    • Ensuring legality.
    • Preventing a STI (sexually transmitted infection), and being sure you’re both STI-free.
    • Needing more emotional connection.
    • Wanting a committed relationship.
    • Making sure each person is monogamous.
    • Needing to build safety and trust .
    • Feeling that it’s not the right time for you.
    • Simply not wanting to have sex with someone.
  2. Usually, it’s good to have these sorts of conversations as soon as you can, so that your partner knows what to expect, and what to avoid. [6] That said, you might not know how you feel right away, and that’s okay, too. Just remember that it’s better to have these conversations before you have sex, rather than wait until after.
    • That said, you can always have this conversation, even after you’ve had sex. Don’t feel like you’re stuck doing something uncomfortable just because you’ve done it before.
  3. Sit your partner down and tell them plainly how you feel and why you feel that way. Be honest, open, and make sure they know that it isn’t something wrong with them, but that you want to do things right. [7] Even if those reasons are just, “I don’t want to right now,” that’s something your partner should know.
    • If you're together but not physically intimate, you can say, "I really like being with you. See, we don't need to have sex for our time together to be special. I'm not ready for sex, and I like things just the way they are."
    • If you're talking on the phone, you could say, "I don't want to have sex now. I'm not ready. I don't need to have sex with you to show you that I care for you. Sex doesn't necessarily mean no to other kinds of intimacy. There are other ways to show you I care."
  4. A relationship is a two-way street, and while your partner should respect your wishes, you should also hear them out on theirs. That way, you’re both on the same page, and it feels like both your needs are being taken into account. [8] Ask them what they want out of a sexual relationship, and brainstorm ways you might compromise to meet those needs in other ways.
    • For example, sex might be important enough for them that you consider having an open relationship so they can meet their needs elsewhere.
  5. That way, sex isn’t just some taboo thing that you can’t talk about—instead, it’s a topic you can talk about honestly, and keep revisiting, if you want. Practicing good communication fosters intimacy and emotional safety. [9] If there’s something you do want to try, let them know. Definitely let them know what’s absolutely off-limits, so they know not to try it.
    • For example, you might prefer cuddling or kissing as forms of intimacy. Or, there may be certain sexual activities that are okay, and others that aren’t.
    • If you feel nervous or afraid of talking about sex with your partner, that may be a sign that the relationship isn’t in a healthy place, and you might want to reconsider it.
  6. A respectful partner listens closely and agrees to boundaries about sex. If your partner handles the situation well, express your gratitude. This shows them that you feel safe and comfortable with them, and that you can talk about these things any time, which is a healthy way to run a relationship.
    • For example, say, “I’m so glad we can talk like this. It makes me feel better and more confident in our bond.”
    • Or, “Having this conversation really helped. I’ll let you know if my feelings change, and make sure to tell me anything that’s on your mind, too.”
  7. A good partner won’t try to change your mind, or manipulate you into having sex when you’ve already told them “No.” If they do, make it clear that what they’re doing is unfair and unhealthy, and that you won’t tolerate it. [10] For example:
    • If your partner says, "If you loved me, you would," a good response to this would be: "If you loved me, you wouldn't want me to do something I'm not ready to do."
    • If your partner says, "Everyone else is doing it," you can say, "I'm part of everybody, and I'm not having sex."
    • Stand your ground. If your partner keeps bringing it up hoping to convince you, or their behavior changes for the worst, consider leaving the relationship.
  8. Don’t let yourself be cornered, bullied, or manipulated. If you sense the person might violate your boundaries or harm you in any way, leave the situation and go to a safe place immediately. Trust your instinct. If you feel unsafe with your partner, don’t hesitate to call things off. [11]
    • Only meet them in public if they’re a stranger, or if you feel unsafe around them.
    • Ask trusted friends or family to stay nearby, so you have someone who can help you.
    EXPERT TIP

    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
    Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.
    Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

    If you feel that the message still isn’t coming across, it is time to set a boundary. Politely state you would like no further contact and that you are ending the conversation and walk away. If you must see the person again, state that you will not have this discussion again and ask the person to respect your wishes.

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Section 3 of 3:

Sticking to Your Decision

  1. The decision to have sex is personal. You have every right to choose when, where, how, and with whom that takes place. [12] It’s your body, and only you get to make decisions for it.
    • Even in a committed relationship, you don’t “owe” your partner sex. Sex may be expected, but it’s never required. That’s why it’s important to talk to your partner about expectations.
  2. “It’s critical to remember that sex is about you and not about getting someone else to like you,” relationship coach Nicole Moore tells us. If someone else is pressuring or guilt-tripping you, they don’t have your best interests in mind, so don’t pay attention to them. No matter what your friend group or your social media says, if you want to wait before having sex, trust those feelings.
    • Your body belongs to you, not your peers, so the decision to have sex belongs to you, not your peers.
    • Spend time with friends who are like-minded when it comes to sex to help you feel more confident in your decision.
    • Always having a backup plan should you find yourself in a situation where you feel pressured, like a friend you can call to retrieve you, or something to say to redirect the situation.
  3. You might decide you’re ready to have sex for the first time with one person, but then feel like you’re not “ready” for sex in your next relationship. That’s okay, and totally normal! Feeling ready is always an active choice, and it's always your choice. Never forget that you can change your mind at any time. [13]
  4. For some people, sex is no big deal. For others, it’s a very big deal. No matter your situation, though, listen to your gut feelings, and don’t rush in. Pay attention to those inner, emotional feelings, psychosexual therapist Jacqueline Hellyer says, as well as those physical feelings. You might feel like you’re in a rush to have sex, but trust that things will happen when you’re ready.
  5. Closeness comes from respect, and respect comes from honoring each other's boundaries whether or not we agree with them. Keep in mind that you always get to choose what you share with your partner. Only stay in relationships where your boundaries are respected, and make sure you’re in a relationship that always practices consent. [14]
    • There are many people out there who will also respect your needs and boundaries and with whom you can find intimacy. Those are the relationships worth having. [15]
    • Having boundaries around being alone with your significant other and how far you're willing to go physically can also help remove the possibility of temptation.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1055 wikiHow readers who've practiced abstinence, and 61% of them agreed that the most challenging part is staying strong during moments of temptation . [Take Poll]
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      • Understand that it's rape when someone forces you to have sex, whether you’re in a committed relationship or out on a first date. If you have been raped, immediately go to your local emergency room for care. You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE for help and to get connected to sexual assault support services in your area. [16]
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      • This article applies to all genders. A woman is capable of pressuring a man or woman to have sex as well. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
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      • No means no. If the other person doesn’t understand that, then get away from them.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-12/YourConsentGuide2020_Final508.pdf
      2. ↑ https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-12/YourConsentGuide2020_Final508.pdf
      3. ↑ https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-12/YourConsentGuide2020_Final508.pdf
      4. ↑ https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-12/YourConsentGuide2020_Final508.pdf
      5. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/helping-your-teen-set-boundaries/
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/emotional-intelligence-love-relationships
      9. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/
      1. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/things-that-crossed-the-line-for-me/
      2. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/things-that-crossed-the-line-for-me/
      3. ↑ http://youngwomenshealth.org/2013/05/23/making-healthy-sexual-decisions/
      4. ↑ https://rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent
      5. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/what-consent/
      6. ↑ https://www.uhs.uga.edu/consent/
      7. ↑ https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you want to tell someone you aren't ready to have sex, start by pinpointing the reasons you feel that way and determine what your boundaries are. Then, explain to your partner why you don't want to have sex to help them understand your choice. When you communicate your feelings and desires with your partner, remember to be honest and outline your boundaries clearly to prevent any confusion. If your partner violates your boundaries after you've made them clear, or if you feel unsafe in general, leave the situation and go to a safe place immediately. For more tips from our co-author on understanding your feelings about sex, keep reading!

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        Jan 7, 2018

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