How to Have the “What Are We?” Talk with the Person You’re Dating

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All the tips you need for defining your relationship
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When you’re casually dating someone, there comes a point when it’s time to have the “What are we?” talk. Whether you’re hoping to become exclusive or keep things casual, defining the relationship is key to avoiding any misunderstandings. We interviewed licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz and created a complete guide to help you figure out the status of your relationship.

Things You Should Know

  • Schedule a time to have the “what are we” conversation face-to-face with the person you’re dating.
  • Whether you want to be exclusive or keep things casual, communicate this clearly to the other person without downplaying or softening what you want.
  • Give the other person some time to process and respond, and try to accept their answer—whatever it may be.
Section 1 of 2:

How to Have the “What Are We” Talk

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  1. If you’ve only been talking for a week or two, it may be too early to bring up exclusivity. You’re still getting to know each other, and it takes time to figure out whether or not you’ll be a good fit.

    On the other hand, if you’ve been dating for several months, it may be time to clearly define the relationship . If things go on too long without having this conversation, there may be miscommunication or hurt feelings down the road. [1]

    Though it’s important to be thoughtful when picking a time for the talk, don’t stress out or overthink it. The right time might look a bit different for each person. Trust your instincts and move forward with the conversation when it feels right to you! [2]
  2. Whether you want to be in a committed relationship or keep things casual, make sure you know where you stand before asking the other person to meet. Having clarity about this will help the conversation go smoothly.

    If you’re not sure what you want, assess your relationship. Do you imagine a future together? Are you uninterested in seeing other people? Do you feel safe and emotionally open with this person? If so, you might be ready to pursue an exclusive relationship with them. [3]

    On the other hand, if you don’t want to stop seeing other people, you're worried that a better match is out there, or you feel anxious about a future together, you might not be ready to commit to this person. [4]

    Whatever you decide is completely okay, just communicate it clearly to the other person once you’ve figured it out!
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  3. Once you've decided to have the talk, schedule a time to meet in person, rather than texting or calling. Research suggests that nonverbal communication, like body language and facial expression, make up 90 percent of the communication cues we receive. [5] You don’t get many of these cues through digital communication, so misunderstandings are more common. Because of this, face-to-face communication is best for the “what are we” talk.
  4. Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz recommends being clear about your feelings and intentions from the get-go. “A lot of people are kind of shy about saying what they really want,” she says. “They don’t want to scare somebody off, but the logic behind that is flawed. You want to scare somebody off who’s not on the same page as you and doesn’t want the same things as you, to clear space for the person who is on the same page and does want the same thing.”

    You don't need to say something elaborate or profound—in fact, it’s usually better to keep things simple. For example, if you want to be exclusive, say, “I’ve enjoyed spending time together, and I’d really like to be exclusive with you. Are you interested in that?”

    It can be nerve-wracking to be open about how you feel, but it's necessary to build a healthy relationship. Plus, if they don’t feel the same way, at least you’ll know where you stand.

    If you want to keep things casual , tell them this clearly and directly. Be kind, but don’t sugarcoat things or give false hope, as this could lead to hurt feelings in the long run. [6] Say something like, “Since we’ve been spending a lot of time together, I wanted to talk about where we stand, so neither of us gets our feelings hurt. I’m only looking for something casual right now, not a committed relationship. How do you feel about that?”
  5. The other person might not have an answer for you right away, and they may need some time to figure out whether or not they’re ready to be in a relationship.

    This is completely okay! You’ve shared your feelings, so they know where you stand. Now the ball is in their court. Be patient as they mull things over—It may take a day or two for them to come to a decision.

    On the other hand, if days or weeks go by without a clear answer, it may be a red flag. They might be breadcrumbing, which is when someone gives you just enough attention or reassurance to keep you around, without taking things to the next level. [7] If you suspect this is going on, it may be best to go your separate ways .
  6. Once you have an answer, it’s up to you to decide how to move forward. If you asked to be exclusive, but they want to keep things casual, assess whether you're comfortable sticking around.

    If your feelings aren’t that deep yet, you might be able to go back to the way things were before. On the other hand, if your feelings do run deep, it might be painful to continue seeing them, knowing that they don't want to commit to you and may see other people. [8]

    If you decide you don’t want to continue seeing them, that's completely understandable! Just let them know how you’re feeling and establish a clear end to the relationship, rather than ghosting. [9]
  7. There are tons of factors that affect whether or not someone is ready to be in a relationship, and they have nothing to do with how special you are! [10]

    Of course, it’s completely normal to feel a little hurt. If you’re struggling, Dr. Schewitz recommends focusing on yourself . “Go to therapy, read personal growth books, listen to podcasts…dig into personal growth. That is the biggest and best way to move through the hurt and pain,” she says.
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Section 2 of 2:

How to Respond When Someone Asks “What Are We?”

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  1. Whether you want to be exclusive or keep things casual, tell them directly, rather than downplaying or sugarcoating things.

    If you do want to be exclusive, come up with a definition of what this means together. Discuss what would constitute “cheating” for each of you, and what your expectations of each other are. This will help you avoid any misunderstandings in the future. [11]

    If you don’t want to be exclusive, be clear about this upfront. Be gentle and kind about it, but don’t give them false hope that you’ll change your mind, as this could lead to hurt feelings in the long run. [12]

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-matters/201810/are-we-exclusive-yet
      2. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/defining-the-relationship
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/exclusive-relationship
      4. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/exclusive-relationship
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-psychoanalytic-exploration/202110/why-you-should-just-pick-up-the-phone
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/exclusive-relationship
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/breadcrumbing
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship/
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-a-situationship/
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/tips-for-finding-lasting-love.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/202209/what-counts-cheating-in-relationship
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/exclusive-relationship

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