How to Define Your Relationship

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: May 31, 2024 References

Defining your romantic relationship with your current partner can be tricky, as you may struggle with the appropriate way to bring it up. You may want to define your relationship so you understand the commitment level between you and your partner, and to ensure you are both on the same page. Choose the right time to talk and speak openly to your partner about your status as a couple. You can also observe your partner’s actions and work on maintaining the relationship so it can be fulfilling for you both.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Speaking to Your Partner

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1
Wait a few dates in to have the talk. Avoid jumping into the talk about defining your relationship right away, on the first date. Give you and your partner time to get to know each other. Go on a few dates and feel each other out. When you start to feel very close and intimate with your partner, it may be time to have a talk about where your relationship is heading. ^{[1]
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- You may have to play the timing of the discussion by ear, based on how you are feeling with your partner. Usually after a few dates, you start to get a sense of your partner’s dating history and what you want in the relationship.
- You can also have the discussion before you become intimate with your partner, or after. This is totally up to you and your preferences.
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2
Talk to your partner alone, face to face. Have the discussion in person so you make eye contact with your partner and can gauge how they are feeling. Pick a spot where you can both be alone and comfortable, such as at your apartment or at your partner’s home. ^{[2]
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- Avoid having the conversation over text message or social media, as it can be hard to express your feelings properly over text. Go for a face to face conversation instead.
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3
Explain how you are feeling about the relationship. Start the conversation by using “I” statements to express to your partner how you are feeling. Share your feelings so they know where you stand. This may help to clarify their own feelings and show them that you have thought a lot about the relationship. ^{[3]
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- For example, you may say, “I just want you to know that I am invested in this relationship and want to see where it goes.” Or you may say, “I like seeing you and I want to continue seeing you, just you.”
- You may use terms like “monogamous,” “committed,” or “casual” to describe what you want. Be clear and upfront about what you want from your partner.
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4
Ask them how they feel about the relationship. Let your partner know that it is important to you that you both define the relationship. Get them to open up about their perspective with probing questions or encouraging statements. ^{[4]
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- For example, you may say, “I know this can be awkward to talk about but I just wondered where you see this relationship going.” Or you may say, “‘I’m wondering how you are feeling about us. Please be honest.”
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5
Listen to what your partner has to say. Once you have expressed where you stand and asked for their perspective, make sure you really listen to what they have to say. Nod and make eye contact with them so they know you are listening. Avoid the urge to interrupt them. Instead, hear them out. ^{[5]
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- Your partner may respond positively and give you the answer you want. Or they may give you an answer that is different than what you want from the relationship. Be prepared for either scenario.
6

Share your expectations for the relationship. Let your partner know exactly what you want out of the relationship and why. For example, if you want a monogamous relationship, then you might want to let your partner know this and explain why monogamy is important to you. You could also let them know that you value trust and honesty in a relationship, and explain why these are so important to you.

EXPERT TIP

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan
Dating Coach

Clearly stating your needs is essential to a fulfilling relationship. Reflect on what communication style works best for you, and consider your lifestyle and values as you approach this important conversation.
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7
Move forward together if you both agree on the terms of the relationship. After the discussion, you may both be ready to be monogamous with each other. Or you may both agree to keep things casual and open. As long as you are both on the same page, you should be able to move forward with your relationship.
- For example, you may say, “I’m glad we both agree on the status of our relationship. This makes moving forward together much easier.”
- Make sure to define what a monogamous relationship means to you. For example, does monogamy mean that you can only date each other? Is it okay to flirt with other people? How often do you expect to see your partner if you are monogamous?
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8
Take some time to reconsider things if your definitions are very different. If you and your partner are not on the same page, you may need time apart from them to reevaluate the relationship. You can then think about whether you still want to see the person or should break it off with them.
- For example, you may say to your partner, “I don’t think we’re on the same page about our relationship. Maybe we should take some time apart to reevaluate what we want.”
- Don’t sacrifice your goals and values as a way to stay in a relationship.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Are My Partner and I Compatible?

Do you ever wonder just how good a match you and your partner are? If you’ve recently started dating someone, are you curious about how much potential you have as a couple? It’s hard to measure compatibility (there’s no “formula” for it, after all), but taking a look at many aspects of a relationship can reveal where you and your partner are in sync and where you might experience conflicts. Our comprehensive quiz can help you do just that—and determine your overall compatibility.

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