What to Do When Your Mom Says Hurtful Things: How to React

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Your relationship with your mom is supposed to be one of the most special relationships in your life, which makes it that much harder when she says something that hurts your feelings. You may not know how to react or what to say to her, but don't worry—we're here to help. In this article, we'll give you lots of expert recommendations for talking with your mom and taking care of yourself.

This article is based on an interview with our life coach, Seth Hall, founder of Transformational Solutions. Check out the full interview here.

1

Stay calm.

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    It's completely normal to feel your temper rise if she said something really mean. However, don't immediately react or argue— take slow, deep breaths to calm yourself. It may help to picture a comforting scene or just walk out of the room to get some space. [1]
    • If you can't leave your home, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Imagine a place that makes you feel happy and safe. Really take a moment to imagine the scene using all of your senses.
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2

Think about why your mom said those things.

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    Before you talk to her, ask yourself why she said what she said. Take a moment to consider how your mom is feeling or thinking. This can make your conversation easier.
    • For example, you might think about your mother's childhood or how she was raised. Maybe she's dealing with trauma and doesn't know how to work through it. This might help you realize that her hurtful comments are more about her inability to cope than anything you actually did.
3

Tell your mom that she hurt your feelings.

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    It can be scary or overwhelming to approach your mom and discuss what she said, but it's a big step. Keep your calm and use a respectful tone of voice, so she's more likely to listen to you. Make sure you tell her why you're upset and what you'd like to see change.
    • Use "I" statements when you talk to your mom, so she doesn't get defensive. For example, say, "When you said you're disappointed in me, I felt worthless," or, "I felt really stressed out when you said I don't help out enough."
    • This can feel really hard or scary, but taking small steps—even just saying something short like, "I feel terrible when you call me names,"—tells her that her behavior is harmful. With practice, you can build up to longer, deeper conversations.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    If you don't share your feelings, it could lead to a misunderstanding. You can still be respectful when you're setting boundaries, though—what matters most is that you're communicating and expressing yourself clearly.

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4

Stop taking what she says personally.

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    If your mom repeatedly hurts your feelings and says harmful, insensitive things, it might be time to put some emotional space between the two of you. Practice detaching —where you emotionally distance from what she says. [2] If you can't physically leave, mentally detach by repeating a useful mantra like:
    • "I'm not responsible for my mom's feelings."
    • "I don't need my mother's approval."
    • "I will not rise to my mom's hurtful challenge."
5

Set healthy boundaries with your mom.

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    You may not feel like you're in control of your relationship, but you can establish boundaries . Boundaries are for you—you're standing up for yourself and telling your mom that her behavior is unacceptable.
    • You might say, "If you can't talk to me without calling me names, then I can't interact with you," "You can't verbally abuse me," or, "You're not allowed to call me names." Your consequences could include refusing to respond to her or leaving the house.
    • If you're setting boundaries to assert your independence, it's really important that you follow through on commitments that you make to your mom. For instance, if you tell her that you need free time to do stuff after school, but that you'll be home for dinner, make a point of showing up on time. This demonstrates your maturity.
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6

Develop a positive mindset.

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    If your mom says hurtful things, you might start to believe them unless you change your outlook . If you think something like, "I must be a bad person," stop and tell yourself, "Actually, I'm quite a good person." Repeat these positive thoughts and eventually, you'll believe them. [3]
    • For example, if you think, "I feel so criticized," tell yourself, "I might not be perfect, but I do my best."
    • Turn a negative thought like, "I feel so angry and unloved," to, "I know I'm a lovable person and I know ways to calm myself down."
7

Prioritize self-care.

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    Shift the focus from your mom—you can't change her, but you can make positive improvements in your own life. [4] Try to get plenty of sleep, healthy movement, and nutritious food, and do nice things for yourself , too! Here are a few great ways to care for yourself:
    • Meditate.
    • Learn a skill you've always wanted to try.
    • Get out into nature.
    • Treat yourself to coffee or your favorite dessert.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 146 wikiHow readers and 51% of them agreed that getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night is the best self-care activity for taking care of their physical and mental health. [Take Poll] So make sure you're getting enough rest each night!
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8

Spend time around emotionally-supportive people.

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    Take a break from the stress and anxiety that comes from interacting with your mom. Reach out to friends and loved ones who truly care about you—even calling or texting can make you feel better. If you're up to it, share about the relationship with your mom, or just enjoy knowing that you're around people who love you for who you are. [5]
    • If you're not sure who to talk to or you'd like to talk with someone who's going through a similar experience, join a support group for the children of toxic parents. You could find a group online or ask a counselor for recommendations.
    • If you'd like to develop a support network, join an activity or club so you can meet new people who have similar interests.
9

Talk with a trusted adult if you're being abused.

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    If you feel like your mom is toxic and abusive, you need to take care of yourself. Reach out to someone who can help you. This might be a school counselor, a relative, or a teacher. [6]
    • For instance, if your mom is screaming things at you and throwing things, get to a safe spot and call a relative to come pick you up.
    • Don't hesitate to call 911 if you're afraid for your safety. If you can't call emergency services, go to a public space like a business or library that has a yellow "Safe Place" sign. They'll arrange for you to talk with counselors or get the help you need. [7]
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10

Get professional support.

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    It's totally natural to feel hurt and alone if your mom is unkind to you. You may not know who can talk to about your complicated relationship, but there are people who want to help you! A therapist or a counselor at your school can help you figure out ways to talk with your mom, or can help you move forward with your life if you've decided to step away from the relationship. [8]
    • You can talk to a personal therapist or find one who specializes in family conflicts. If you're still in school, talk with your counselor, who can also help you find resources you need.
11

Forgive your mom when you're ready.

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    Let go of your anger and resentment to move on . Forgiveness is complicated—it's not something you can force yourself to do. Instead, you'll know you're ready to forgive her when you don't need her approval, and when you take control of your own happiness. [9]
    • You don't have to verbally forgive your mom, although you could say something like, "I forgive you for the hurtful things you said. I hope we can move past it."
    • It's fine to mentally recognize that you've gotten over the hurt that your mom caused and that you've forgiven her.
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  • Question
    My dad is verbally abusive and my mom doesn't say anything about it. I have no support system. No friends or boyfriend. I am alone.
    Gabi
    Community Answer
    Consider talking to your mom about it or contact a help line to get help right away.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 74 Helpful 44
  • Question
    I have tried these methods. I even rehearse what to say, but it doesn't work. What do I do?
    SugarSweetSlee
    Community Answer
    Do not be afraid of anything. There is no need to be rehearsed. Just follow your true feelings and express them.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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    Not Helpful 83 Helpful 31
  • Question
    Why do I always try to fix my relationship with my mom even though she hurts me emotionally and mentally?
    SugarSweetSlee
    Community Answer
    Because she is your mom. She's a part of your family, and you love her. So that is why you are trying to fix the relationship, even if she makes you feel stressful.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/9445-diaphragmatic-breathing
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201808/12-clues-relationship-parent-is-toxic
      3. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/a-z-topics/physical-health-and-mental-health
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/toxic-parenting-traits/
      5. ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
      6. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/family-abuse.html
      7. ↑ https://www.nationalsafeplace.org/how-does-safe-place-work
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201808/12-clues-relationship-parent-is-toxic
      9. ↑ https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/nine_steps_to_forgiveness

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