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Learn to let go of anger and be forgiving with these tips
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It can be challenging to forgive someone who has hurt you, but it can also be rewarding. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing; it’s a commitment to acknowledging, processing, and setting aside the past and expressing compassion. [1] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Forgiving someone who’s wronged you can be a difficult journey, but it’s been proven to help people live more fulfilling lives, reduce pain, and lower anxiety and blood pressure. [2] X Trustworthy Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital Go to source We spoke to marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson to bring you the best advice on how to let go of grudges and be more forgiving.
How to Be More Forgiving
- Reflect on what happened to identify, acknowledge, and process your feelings.
- Express your feelings to the person who hurt you, then show compassion and empathy by listening to their side of the story.
- Make a conscious decision to let go of any grudges and forgive—if not for their sake, then for your own.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Working Toward Forgiveness
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Identify your feelings and emotions. Take a step back and think about how serious the situation is. How hurt are you? Is the act truly unforgivable, or is it something you won’t think about in a month? Acknowledge your pain and then examine it with the bigger picture to understand why you may be hurt. [3] X Research source
- For instance, say your partner cheats on you. You may decide to end the relationship while still choosing to forgive them so you can move on with your life.
- As another example, maybe a friend made a negative comment about your looks. You may reflect on why the comment hurt you and what insecurity it triggered.
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Think of the good in the relationship. Make a list of all the great things about the person who hurt you. Then, write down all the negatives. Compare the pros and cons—do the pros outweigh the cons? Do their good qualities outweigh what they did to hurt you? [4] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to sourceAdvertisement
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Reflect on times when you were forgiven. You’ve likely been forgiven in the past. How did the other person make you feel when they forgave you? Did they say anything that stuck with you? Is there anything you can emulate if you chose to forgive someone who’s hurt you? Life is full of lessons, so use your past experiences to help you find peace. [5] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
- Think about how the other person forgave you. Did they talk to you in person or via text?
- Consider what they said and how it made you feel. Did you leave the conversation relieved or upset?
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Let go of your resentment by accepting the situation. If you resent or hold a grudge against someone, you’ll likely have trouble continuing the relationship. Accept that what’s done is done. You may not have been able to control what happened to you, but you can control how you react to it. Try saying things like, “I am angry because they broke my trust, and I accept that this has happened,” and “I accept what has happened and how it made me feel.” [6] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson reminds us that “forgiveness is about moving from a position of blaming and being stuck, toward accepting the undesirable situation and empowering yourself to move forward.” [7]
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Expert Source
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. - It won't happen overnight, but the sooner you aim to let go of your resentment , the sooner it’ll become a priority. Focus on what you can do to move forward instead of focusing on the past.
- Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson reminds us that “forgiveness is about moving from a position of blaming and being stuck, toward accepting the undesirable situation and empowering yourself to move forward.” [7]
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Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
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Take some time to be alone with your thoughts. It can be difficult to decide whether or not you want to forgive someone and what that’ll mean for your relationship. It’s okay to take your time to think over the decision and process your emotions—do what’s best for you. [8] X Research source
- If you’re in the heat of the situation, take a breather by going into the other room or taking a walk.
- Try some relaxation techniques, like meditation or deep-breathing , to calm your mind if you’re overwhelmed.
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Talk to someone about the situation. If you’re upset about what happened, talking to someone else can help you gain a new perspective. Tell a friend, loved one, or therapist about why you’re feeling hurt or betrayed. They may be able to provide some guidance or help you see the situation in another light.
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Section 2 of 4:
Talking to the Person
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Take some time to think about what you want to say. Moshe Ratson, an experienced marriage and family therapist, recommends preparing what you want to say and how you want to say it before you start the conversation. [9] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. Though you may be feeling bitter, angry, hurt, or confused, find a way to delicately state these emotions rather than exploding or saying something you don’t really mean. This can help you channel your thoughts and emotions while ensuring they’ll be clear to the other person.- When you’ve decided on what you’ll say, think about how you’d feel if you were the other person. Would your words make you sad or hopeful?
- Try writing down exactly what you want to say (or practice in front of a mirror) to get it exactly how you want.
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Express your feelings. Tell the other person how their actions made you feel with “I” statements. Focus on why you’re upset rather than blaming them (even if you believe they’re in the wrong). This way, you can try to avoid confrontation and let yourself be heard. [10] X Research source
- For example, try saying, “I felt hurt when you cheated on me because I've been loyal and devoted, and I thought you felt the same way.”
- Be as honest as possible, expressing the pain you have been going through. [11]
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Expert Source
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
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Practice empathy. Empathy helps you see another person’s perspective and build stronger relationships. Showing empathy to someone who’s hurt you can help you forgive them because it allows you to better understand their situation and why they may have hurt you. [12] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source While their behavior may be inexcusable, having a caring heart can help you make amends and find peace. Practice empathy by:
- Actively listening when they talk.
- Asking follow-up questions if they say something you don’t understand.
- Making eye contact .
- Being more mindful when communicating.
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Listen to their side of the story. As marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson explains, “We must remember that each individual has the story of their life that led them to make the decisions they make.” [13] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. There are always two sides to a coin. Hear the other person out and listen to what they have to say. Who knows? The situation may be a big misunderstanding, or they may feel awful about what happened! Give them a listening ear before you make a final decision. [14] X Research source
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Section 3 of 4:
Moving Forward
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Take some time apart if you need it. Assess whether or not you need some physical time away from the person who hurt you. If you do, set boundaries with them. Let them know you need a few hours, days, or weeks away from them to clear your head and find forgiveness. [15] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Only return to the person or relationship when you’re ready—follow your heart and do what’s best for you in the moment.
- Reader Poll: We asked 383 wikiHow readers how to set boundaries with someone who betrayed them, and 58% said they would limit the amount of time they spend with them. [Take Poll]
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Make a conscious decision to forgive them. Forgiveness can be easy for some people, and for others, it can be very difficult. But no matter how easy or difficult forgiveness is for you, it has to be a choice you make. If you decide to forgive, seal the deal with action—honor your word. Say you’ll forgive them out loud, and then follow through. [16] X Trustworthy Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital Go to source
- This can look like trusting the person again or confiding in them.
- It’s okay if you’re not ready to forgive someone right away. Forgiveness can look different for everyone—there’s no set time frame.
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Take small steps to mend your relationship. When and if you’re ready to move forward with the person, slowly ease back into the relationship. Things might not go back to normal right away, and that’s okay. Take it slow and do what you’re comfortable with. [17] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public Go to source
- For instance, if it’s a romantic relationship, treat it like going on a first date. You don't have to hug, cuddle, or hold hands like you did before if you’re not ready to.
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Let go and learn from the past. Avoid dwelling on the past as you move forward with your relationship. Continuing to think about the past will limit your trust in the person, leading to a stifled relationship. You don’t necessarily have to “forgive and forget,” but use the past as a lesson. What can you (and the person who hurt you) learn from the experience? [18] X Trustworthy Source Johns Hopkins Medicine Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital Go to source
- If a negative comment triggered you, think about how you can stand up for yourself in the future now that you know why the comment bothers you.
- If you catch yourself dwelling on the past, focus on the present moment instead by noticing what’s around you, what you smell, and what you can hear.
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Forgive and love yourself . Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson suggests that the best thing you can do is forgive yourself . [19] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. You are lovable. You are capable. You are forgivable. Focus on caring for yourself during hard times. Giving yourself a hug is sometimes the best medicine.- Indulge in some self-care to ease your mind and love yourself. Take a bubble bath, buy a new book, or treat yourself to a fancy dessert.
- Read a self-help book to learn more ways to forgive and love yourself.
- Try journaling to discover more things about yourself and process your thoughts.
- Know that you can’t change what happened, but you can forgive and love yourself moving forward.
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QuestionHow do I forgive someone who wronged me?Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Take time to journal about your feelings and find a deeper understanding before you forgive them. That way, you'll be able to articulate yourself better. Just be honest with how you feel and work out how you both can move on from the issue.
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References
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/forgiveness
- ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-gift-maybe/201501/seeing-the-bigger-picture-life-maybe-better-you-think
- ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/03/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-self-reflection
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/ashleystahl/2015/09/17/feeling-overwhelmed-here-are-three-ways-to-gain-perspective/
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/empathy.htm
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.positivelypositive.com/2013/06/02/six-steps-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you/
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
- ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness
- ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
- ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
- ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
About This Article
Article Summary
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It can be difficult to forgive someone who hurt you, but by thinking through the relationship and having an honest conversation, it will be easier to move forward. Before you forgive the person, examine the relationship and whether the good outweighs the things they did to hurt you. If you can’t think straight, try talking to a trusted friend or family member. They may be able to offer you valuable advice and give you a stronger sense of what to do next. Once you’ve decided to forgive the person, talk to them so you can get your feelings out in the open. Try to use “I” statements, such as “I felt hurt when you cheated on me because I’ve been loyal and devoted,” since these will prevent the other person from becoming defensive. Although it might be hard, make sure to listen to their response, since this will help you see their side of the story. To learn how to take small steps to move forward with your relationship, read more from our co-author.
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Reader Success Stories
- "My girlfriend of over a year is in love with another guy. I feel terrible about it. I feel jealous, angry, unwanted and unappreciated. I tried, and everybody around says I did great as her boyfriend. She says she knew the guy before me and was in love with him, but couldn't get into a relationship with him because they were both the same age. Apart from this, she's great. An amazing person, and I'm willing to stay in the relationship because of what I've gotten from here. I hope it works out. Thank you so much." ..." more
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"My girlfriend of over a year is in love with another guy. I feel terrible about it. I feel jealous, angry, unwanted and unappreciated. I tried, and everybody around says I did great as her boyfriend. She says she knew the guy before me and was in love with him, but couldn't get into a relationship with him because they were both the same age. Apart from this, she's great. An amazing person, and I'm willing to stay in the relationship because of what I've gotten from here. I hope it works out. Thank you so much."
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"Your article helps. I feel better already and will apply this. My partner tends to play the victim when we're around people and make me out to be the cruel one that just refuses to be fair. He creates stories/situations in conversations that makes people feel sorry for him and reprimand me. He just won't stop but as you've said, I need some time alone to think about this and deal with my anger."
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"This is helping somewhat. It gives you a chance to really consider all your options. And also gives you a chance to decide if your relationship is worth dealing with all the problems and all the lies and the humiliation of what one has done. It has helped."
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"The article really helped me. Now I know how I can go about dealing with forgiving my partner. And I will go with all the steps and evaluate my relationship to see if it is really worth my effort. Thank you!"
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