How to Write to a Pen Pal for the First Time

Reviewed by Gerald Posner

Last Updated: November 13, 2023 Fact Checked

Writing to a pen pal can be a fun way to form new friendships and learn about someone's culture that you may not have experienced before. Pen pal relationships can last for years, or even a lifetime and you may become closer to them than people you see frequently in real life. But writing the first letter can be difficult because you don't know the person and you want to make a good first impression. By starting out the letter simply with some basic info about yourself, remembering to not flood them with information, asking some good questions, and keeping the letter fairly brief, your first letter can be easy and you'll be on the way to forming a life long friendship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Covering the Basics in Your Letter

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1
Use their name. You don't need to repeat their name a bunch of times throughout the letter, but definitely use their name specifically in the greeting. You might also mention their name one other time later on in the letter.
- You should also mention your own name early on in the letter, even though it may already be on the envelope. This way you complete the introduction and greeting.
2
Write a simple greeting. Before you get into the main content of the letter, take a little bit of time to say hello, mention you are excited to be writing, and wish them well. You could write, “How are you doing today?” or “I hope this letter finds you well.” or “ It's nice to meet you through letters!” ^{[1]
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- A greeting helps the reader transition into the letter rather than immediately diving into all the details you plan to share with them. Think of the letter as a conversation, except that for now you are the only one talking. You wouldn't start a conversation with immediately telling some a bunch of information without greeting them first.
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3
Tell them some basics about yourself. Age, sex, and location (not necessarily your address) are a good place to start because these give the person an idea of who you are. You can expand from this point by mentioning things like your grade or occupation, who is in your family, and a couple characteristics about you, like you enjoying laughing, you hate math homework, or your religious affiliation. ^{[2]
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- Your first letter is an introduction, so treat it as such. What would you tell a person you just met? Tell your pen pal those same things.
- Remember to be safe if you are young, or even a teenager. Talk to your parents before writing and especially before revealing personal information.
4
Mention how you found them. You most likely used a pen pal service or forum of some sort, so it is always good to tell the person where you got their information from. You could also include at this point whether you have written to other people, how long you have been using this service or mention why you chose them to write to. ^{[3]
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- If you saw specific information in their profile that made you want to write to them, you could mention that and tell why it sparked your interest. Tell them what your relationship to that thing is and ask them to tell you more about it.
5
State a specific purpose you have for writing. You may be seeking a pen pal for a specific reason, like learning a new language or learning about a new culture, so tell the person this. Maybe you are just looking for someone to talk to, or you are moving into a new stage in life and want some encouragement. It can be good to let the person know your intentions for your relationship.
- Don't come on too strong by telling them you are really lonely and just need someone to listen. Even if you feel that way, telling them will probably make them uncomfortable and they may not write back to you.
6
Write a closing. You have tons of options for how to close a letter, but for pen pals it is good to thank the person for their time reading your letter. You don't necessarily want to end the letter by saying, “Please write back,” or “I look forward to hearing from you,” as this may make them feel obligated. Simply thank them for taking the time to read your letter and tell them to have a nice day. ^{[4]
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- Be sure to sign your name at the end.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Personalizing Your Letter

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1
Look for some common ground. In many cases, you want to have a pen pal that has some common interests, so share a few things that you really enjoy and ask if they also like those things. To keep it simple for the first letter, you could mention broad interests like, “I enjoy outdoor activities,” or “I like going to events like concerts and plays.”
- You can be specific as well by mentioning the bands you life, parks you visit, or telling of an event you visited, but have a mix of general likes and specific likes.
2
Ask a couple of questions. For a first letter, it is great to give the reader a few specific points that you would be interested in learning about them. This gives them a little bit of a head start for their first letter back to you. Don't get too personal for the first letter like, “What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?” Stick with something simple like “What do you like to do on weekends?”
- A fun option can be including a small questionnaire that you've written up that has questions and blanks for the person to write their answers. This could have some questions like “What is a book you like?” or “What's a favorite food you have?” They don't have to be serious or meaningful, they could be silly questions like “What animal would you want to be?”
3
Tell them what a typical day looks like for you. When you choose a pen pal, there's a good chance you will have somewhat different lives, especially if they are in another country. Giving them an idea of what you do most days reveals some of your experiences to them.
- This also gives them something to write back to you telling their own experiences.
- If the person is in another country, you could tell them you have wondered if kids in their country do the same stuff that you do. It will build a feeling of companionship between you. It also gives them the chance to tell you about their day, which could surprise you by being really similar or really different.
4
Include an interesting scrap of paper. Something to add a little flavor to the letter is to include a magazine clipping, a picture that you drew, a scrap with a quote you like written on it, a copy of a poem, or a picture of something you like. You can get really creative with this step. Almost anything would add to the letter. ^{[5]
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- You don't even have to say anything in the letter about what you include. It could be something that adds a little mystery to the letter and makes the person want to write back to find out what it's all about.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Building a Long-Term Relationship

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1
Share photos with each other. After you have written a few letters back and forth, it can be a fun addition to share some photos of yourself and ask for photos of the other person. You could send a basic photo that you had professionally taken for school or something spontaneous, like a photo from a vacation you took.
- You might also share a photo of your house, some places you enjoy going around your town, a picture of your school, or copies of pictures from places you have visited.
- Besides pictures of yourself and places you go often, you could share pictures of favorite bands or movies, scenic shots of places you want to visit some day, or pictures of something you've created or drawn.
2
Become more personal. Once you have gotten to know some basic information about each other and have been writing long enough to feel comfortable probing deeper, start to ask more personal questions. Find out what types of hardships the person faces in life. Ask them what some of their ultimate dreams and goals are. You can also begin to share more intimate details about your own life. Perhaps share some fears you have or tell them about trials you have faced.
- One of the benefits of a pen pal relationship is that you are most likely not to meet in person, or at least not until you have been writing for a long time. Because of this, you can feel more comfortable sharing personal things than you might with someone you see often.
3
Send gifts. Besides just writing letters to each other, you can begin to send gifts on occasion, like holidays or birthdays, or just any time. For pen pals in other countries, you could send a toy or trinket that is common to your country. You could share non-perishable foods with each other you both may not have experienced.
- This might be something to talk about in your letters before you send anything. You want to make sure it is okay with the person to receive gifts from you.
One way to build a strong relationship with a pen pal is to discuss some of the deep things you think about. You could ask the person what they think about destiny and tell them your beliefs. You could tell them about something in society that makes you really sad and tell them what you wish would change. Eventually your letters will probably progress beyond the mundane aspects of your life, and this is when you will grow a true friendship with your pen pal. ^{[6]
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Question

What should you not say in a pen pal letter?

Community Answer

There are probably a lot of things you shouldn't say, but some basics to avoid are getting too personal too fast, asking them personal questions, or just coming on too strong.

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Is it easier to let pen pal choose you or to choose them?

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If you are using a pen pal service, you'll likely get some people who choose you. But it is easier to pick people out and initiate with them.

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How to write an address in a pen pal letter?

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You probably don't need to write your address in the letter, but you can write a return address on the top left of the envelope. If you are writing through an online pen pal service or through email, there is no need to include an address.

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Tips

Don't make the letter too long. This is an introductory letter, so don't make it so long that the reader gets bored or feels like you come on too strong. Since the goal is to form a long-term writing relationship, you don't need to tell them everything you can think of all at once. About one page of notebook paper or two to three small pieces of paper is a good length.

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Don't tell your whole life story. You want this correspondence to be ongoing, so you want to leave some stuff for later. Give hints about things but don't go into great detail. This piques their interest for future letters.

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Writing to a pen pal is meant to be fun, so keep the letter casual and don't take it too seriously.

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Warnings

Depending on how you picked the person, and other factors, they may not write back to you. Don't get discouraged about this.

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Allow about two weeks for the person to get back to you. Don't get impatient and send a second letter if you don't hear back in a few days. They may be busy or the mail may just take a while.

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How to Write to a Pen Pal for the First Time

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Covering the Basics in Your Letter

Personalizing Your Letter

Building a Long-Term Relationship

Community Q&A

Tips

Warnings

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