Controlling Narcissists: Setting Boundaries & Deescalating Behavior

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Learn how to take control away from a narcissist
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Someone with narcissistic traits may try to control others using manipulation, threats, flattery, and similar strategies. If you have someone like this in your life, you might be thinking that it’d be nice to turn the tables and control this person instead. While it’s not healthy to try to control another person for any reason, there are strategies you can use to improve your interactions with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way. In this article, we’ll show you how to set boundaries, address negative behavior, and get support while you deal with a narcissistic personality in your life.

Dealing with a Narcissist

  • Establish healthy boundaries to avoid letting them push you around.
  • Create consequences for ignoring your boundaries, and follow through.
  • Stay calm when they try to get a rise out of you.
  • Use non-accusatory “I” statements to express yourself.
  • Deescalate the situation with empathy and active listening.
  • Lean on loved ones, support groups, or therapists if needed.
  • If you feel unsafe or are being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
Section 1 of 3:

Setting Healthy Boundaries

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  1. Think about how the person has violated your boundaries in the past and what you’d like to see change. This may include the way they talk to you, their expectations of you, or how they treat you in general. [1] Make a list of anything the person has said or done that has violated your boundaries. Some examples of boundary violations may include: [2]
    • Calling you names
    • Threatening you
    • Shouting or screaming at you
    • Blaming you for their problems
    • Criticizing you or making fun of you
    • Demanding that you do things for them
    • Lying to you and denying it later
  2. It’s important to express your needs to the person in a direct way so that it’s very clear what you’re requesting. With someone who demonstrates narcissistic traits, however, you may have more success if you avoid making demands of them. [3]
    • For example, you might say something like, “I enjoy spending time with you, but I’ll have to leave if you call me that name again.”
    • Or, you might say, “I’m glad you called, but I will need to hang up if you keep yelling at me.” Keep your tone friendly and your voice calm.
    • Avoid getting angry about the things they say and do. For example, avoid responses like, “You can’t talk to me like that! I’m leaving!” or “If you don’t stop yelling at me right now, I’m hanging up!”
    • These statements are more forceful and someone who tends toward narcissistic reactions may get more upset in response.
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  3. Once you’ve expressed the boundary to the person and the consequence for violating it, see if they abide by it. If they violate the boundary you’ve just set, follow through with your pre-established consequence. [4]
    • For example, if you tell the person you’re going to leave if they call you a specific name again and they repeat the name, then get up and leave.
    • If you have warned the person that you will hang up on them if they keep yelling at you and they continue to yell, hang up the phone.
    • Make sure that you follow through with your established consequence right away. Don’t give them a second warning, hesitate, or give in if they try to apologize or convince you to stay using flattery.
  4. Once you start setting boundaries with the person and enforcing them on a regular basis, you may notice that the person behaves differently around you or wants to spend less time around you. This is because they will have realized the dynamic is changing and they cannot get what they want from you as easily or at all anymore. This is a good thing, but it may be difficult at first. [5]
    • For example, after setting boundaries with the person about the way they speak to you, you might notice them speaking to you less or ignoring you completely.
    • Even though the change might be quite noticeable, don’t indicate that you’ve noticed any difference in their behavior or your relationship with them.
  5. There might come a time when you do not enforce your boundaries or when the person finds a way to skirt them. If this happens, reflect on the situation and identify how you can reinforce your boundaries in the future. [6]
    • For example, if you have set a boundary about leaving the room if the person calls you names or threatens you, but you don’t leave the room on one occasion, reflect on why this happened.
    • Were you distracted? Did they do or say something to make you stay? How can you overcome this obstacle to enforcing your boundaries for the next time?
    • Keep in mind that enforcing your boundaries will be an ongoing part of your relationship with the person. Be persistent and continue to enforce your boundaries with the person on a regular basis.
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Section 2 of 3:

Responding to Their Behavior

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  1. Someone with narcissistic qualities may make comments that are meant to get a rise out of you—don’t take the bait. Respond calmly to what this person says to you, and if you find yourself getting upset, stop and take a deep breath or go for a walk to calm yourself before you engage with them. [7]
    • It’s perfectly fine to walk away from the person if they’re being abusive toward you. If the person is criticizing you, blaming you, calling you names, threatening you, or doing something else that is upsetting you, you have every right to walk away.
  2. Craving attention is a key trait of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), so someone who’s been officially diagnosed with this disorder may like to talk a lot. [8] Be prepared to be on the receiving end of most conversations and show them that you're actively listening to them. Some things you can do to show that you’re listening include: [9]
    • Smiling and nodding while maintaining eye contact.
    • Saying things like, “Yes,” “I see,” and “Mmhmm,” to encourage them to keep talking.
    • Asking questions to clarify if something they say is unclear, such as “What did you mean when you said you had a bad day?”
  3. People with narcissistic qualities love to talk about themselves and share what they know, so asking them about something that they find interesting is a good way to distract them from their anger. This may be especially useful if they’ve been arguing with you or verbally attacking you. [10]
    • For example, if the person knows a lot about cars, you might ask them a question about cars. Or, if they consider themselves knowledgeable about money, you could ask them for financial advice.
    • You might have to wait until the person has calmed down slightly to engage them in this way. For instance, if they’re sulking or giving you the silent treatment, try waiting 20 minutes and then ask them a question to distract them.
  4. While people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may be incapable of empathy for other people, showing them empathy can help calm them down if they’re feeling upset. Try saying something to them to indicate your concern for them and your empathy for how they must feel. [11]
    • For example, you might say something like, “You must have felt very upset to have to wait so long for a ride home.”
    • Or, you might engage them with something like, “It seems like you’re pretty angry right now. What’s bothering you?”
    • Keep in mind that NPD is a very real and very challenging mental health condition. NPD symptoms may manifest as egotistical and sometimes manipulative behavior—however, someone who’s been medically diagnosed with the personality disorder is likely suffering from severe insecurities and challenges with empathy that they have little-to-no control over. [12]
  5. A key feature of narcissistic behavior is that the individual appears to feel superior to others (but in reality, they’re deeply insecure and unsure of themselves). [13] As a result, they gravitate toward people who feed this image of themselves, but doing so will only make matters worse. Avoid giving the person what they want if they fish for compliments or brag about themselves. Ignore their comments or change the subject. [14]
    • For example, if the person is going on and on about what a great salesman they are, try saying something like, “Yeah. Oh, by the way, do you have any ideas about what you want to do this weekend?”
    • If you do want to give the person a sincere compliment when you think they deserve it, that’s fine. Just avoid complimenting them all the time or this will inflate their sense of self even more.
    Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social Work

    Understand what it means to be a narcissist. "Narcissism is the most shame-based of all the personality disorders. Narcissism is not about self-love at all. It’s about grandiosity driven by high performance and self-hatred. I define narcissism as the shame-based fear of being ordinary."

  6. Occasionally, you will have a dispute with someone who’s continually acting in a narcissistic way. That individual will likely be offended if you bluntly criticize them, but that doesn't mean you need to back down completely. When you point out what the person has done wrong, simply phrase it as a personal and subjective opinion instead of an accusation. [15]
    • In general, "I" language reduces defensiveness, aggressiveness, and rage. People with narcissistic traits, especially, are known to demonstrate these reactions in excess, so mastering "I" language will give you significant leverage.
    • For example, say "I feel hurt by your actions" instead of saying "You just did something really cruel and careless."
  7. If something conflicts with their view of themselves, a person with narcissistic qualities will reflexively lie to avoid facing it. This means that you may not get accurate information from them 100% of the time. If you have any doubts about what the person is saying, look into it for yourself. Don’t take everything they say as the truth. [16]
    • For example, if the person relays a story about something that happened at work and it makes them out to be the hero, get someone else’s perspective on the matter.
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Section 3 of 3:

Finding Help & Support

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  1. Regularly dealing with someone who has diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or who demonstrates some narcissistic traits can be exhausting and disheartening. If the person is a friend, you might be able to avoid spending as much time with them, but it can be especially difficult if you live with the person or work with them. Talk to trustworthy friends and family members about what you’re going through and ask for their support. [17]
    • Try saying something like, “I’m having a hard time dealing with John's behavior. If I need to talk sometime, can I call you?”
    • However, be cautious of labeling people as narcissists just because they exhibit some traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD can only be diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional. [18]
    • Everyone has faults, and calling people narcissists without any input from a medical professional may be factually inaccurate, damage your relationship with this person, and contribute to the stigma around NPD.
  2. If you’re not getting enough support from friends and family or if you just want a different group of people to talk with about your experiences, look into a support group. You may be able to find a local support group, or you can join an online forum if there are not any groups in your area. [19]
    • Try looking on mental health websites to find local and online support groups, or join a forum on a website, such as Reddit.
  3. [20] Having a safe space to vent and share about your relationships can help you to feel better in your day-to-day life. A therapist can also teach you tools for communicating with someone who behaves in a narcissistic way , as well as how to respond when they say or do upsetting things. [21]
    • You can ask your doctor for a referral, ask friends and family for suggestions, or search online to find a therapist.
  4. If the situation has become verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, reach out to people who can help you. Call a domestic abuse hotline or call emergency services if you’re in danger, such as if the person is threatening you or trying to attack you physically. [22]
    • There are different types of abuse, such as physical, which can include hitting or throwing things at you, verbal and emotional, which can include yelling, blaming, or ordering you to do something, as well as sexual, which can involve them forcing you to touch them or have sex with them. No abuse is acceptable. If you feel threatened or in danger, reach out for help.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 378 wikiHow readers who’ve been victims of abuse, and 66% agreed that it's important to maintain safe boundaries after leaving a dangerous partner by blocking their number and social media accounts. [Take Poll]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Can you reason with a narcissist?
    Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Liana Georgoulis is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Los Angeles, California. She is the founder and clinical director of Coast Psychological Services. With over 12 years of experience, her mission is to provide clients with effective, well-studied, and established treatments that bring about significant improvements in her patients' lives. Her practice provides cognitive behavioral therapy and other evidence-based therapies for adolescents, adults, and couples. Additionally, she provides group therapy for social anxiety, social skills, and assertiveness training. Providing a space where clients feel understood and supported is essential to her work. Dr. Georgoulis also provides clinical supervision to post-doctoral fellows and psychological assistants. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles.
    Liana Georgoulis, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Narcissists struggle to understand or take others' perspectives. There can be no resolution if someone is not willing to agree on your right to have a perspective and a voice.
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      Tips

      • It can be difficult to be around someone with narcissistic traits since they may blame, criticize, or use other tactics to chip away at your self-esteem. Work on building up your self-esteem to make it easier to endure their behavior. [23]
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      • In certain cases, you may need to consider leaving the person for the sake of your own safety and mental health.
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      • It’s important to remember that not everyone with diagnosed NPD is an abuser or toxic person—and many people are abusive and manipulative without having NPD. Rather than worry about the person’s potential NPD diagnosis, focus on their behavior and your own responses to protect yourself and your mental health.
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      Warnings

      • Trying to control a person with narcissistic traits may not work since they are often very controlling themselves. Instead, focus on yourself and your reactions, such as by being more assertive.
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      References

      1. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      6. ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism-decoded/2017/06/11-ways-to-set-boundaries-with-narcissists/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-bypass-narcissist
      8. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-human-beast/201202/talking-narcissist
      1. ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-stop-argument-with-narcissist-2018-2
      2. ↑ http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html
      3. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      4. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/peaceful-parenting/201810/how-bypass-narcissist
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202003/13-ways-to-decode-a-narcissist
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/narcissist-signs
      10. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      11. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      12. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      13. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/narcissism-and-abuse/
      14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Trying to get a narcissist to do things your way can be difficult, but with a little patience and planning, it's possible. To get on their good side, praise them often, since narcissists love hearing compliments. Once you get the narcissist to like you, convince them to do things your way by setting boundaries disguised as compliments. For example, instead of telling a narcissist to stop bothering you, instead tell them “You’re so smart, and I can appreciate your insights much better when you stop by my desk once a day rather than several times.” Another way to convince a narcissist to do things your way is to give them options so they maintain a sense of control. For instance, instead of telling them that the meeting is at 3:00 PM, instead ask them what time they would like to have the meeting. To learn how to stay calm when dealing with a narcissist, keep reading!

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