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What to consider when getting involved with a single parent
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When you commit to dating a single parent, you also commit to their kid—and with that commitment comes a few extra considerations. When should you meet the child? Is the other parent still involved (and should you meet them)? Are you prepared to have a serious relationship with a single parent? A lot depends on your partner's preferences as a parent and the speed they want to take your relationship, but there are plenty of things you can do to support them and ease yourself into a new kind of partnership. We’ll walk you through how to approach this type of relationship and more below.
This article is based on an interview with our celebrity matchmaker and dating coach, Alessandra Conti, co-founder of Matchmakers In The City. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Before getting involved with a single parent, ask yourself if you’re prepared for the challenges of dating someone with a kid, like sharing your partner's attention.
- Let your partner set the pace in the relationship, and let them introduce you to their child when they feel comfortable with it.
- Have regular open conversations with your partner about where your relationship is headed and your role in the child's life.
Steps
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Ask yourself whether you can handle the commitment. If you're looking for marriage or even just a somewhat serious relationship, you need to factor in your partner's child. Dating someone with a child can be challenging, and you need to be honest with yourself about whether or not you're ready for that kind of commitment. If the answer is “no,” that’s OK! It’s better to end things now before you get really involved.- When someone is a parent, especially to young children, the kids come first. You may have to step aside more frequently than is ideal and settle for spending less time than you might like with your significant other.
- Remember, unless the other parent is out of the picture, your partner will always have some contact with their ex. Are you comfortable with the boundaries your partner has set with their ex? Do you think there's still underlying romantic tension? If things get serious, you will probably have to meet and socialize with your partner's ex. [1] X Research source
- Prepare to take things slow at first. Many people with children from previous relationships are guarded, at least initially, in romantic relationships.
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Let your partner set boundaries. Establish what the boundaries are when it comes to your partner’s child upfront, and let your partner take the lead. These boundaries might include how often you can expect to see your partner and when you can meet the child. As you continue dating and get closer to your partner, their boundaries might change.- For example, your partner may make it clear they can never go out on weeknights or can only commit to dates every other weekend. Be respectful and understanding of such restrictions.
- Your partner may not have a definitive answer or timeframe regarding when you can meet their kid, but don't push to meet them too early, before you know if the relationship has long-term potential. [2] X Research source
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Have a positive outlook. When you're dating someone with a child, try not to see it as a burden or as extra baggage. Look for the positive side of the situation: dating someone with a child can be challenging or even intimidating, but it can also be very rewarding.- Dating a single parent can be an exciting way to open your own mind and expose yourself to different ways of thinking. Your partner’s views on work, life, and responsibility in general will likely be affected by their child. Try to see this as an opportunity for you to grow and learn.
- While you might not get to spend as much time as you like with your partner, the time you do spend together will be more valuable.
- Moreover, you might end up getting to know your partner through phone calls and texts more than face-to-face interaction, which may actually enhance communication. Without the distractions of physical surroundings, you'll pay closer attention to one another's words.
- Many kid-friendly activities can actually be enjoyable for adults as well. Trips to fairs, amusement parks, and kid-friendly movies may be something you come to enjoy as your relationship progresses.
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Be authentic and patient during early interactions with the child. Children can sense when you're not being yourself. Many people try to come off as overly friendly or cool when meeting a partner's child , but this might actually be off-putting. Simply be yourself and give the child time to get used to you.- While it’s important to make sure the language you use and the subjects you discuss are child appropriate, you do not need to completely revamp your personality to meet your partner's child. You want the child to get to know you as a person and not a character you've created.
- Many people will feel like they should read up on what kids are into, but the easiest and most authentic way to get to know your partner's child is to simply talk to them. Ask the child about school, their hobbies, and their friends.
- Understand that your partner's child may be nervous about meeting you and may even initially be rude, but make sure to meet any hostility with patience and friendliness. These feelings are a normal part of the introductory period, so try not to take them personally .
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.They might not introduce you to their child at first, and that's okay. Introducing you to their friends and family can be complicated, especially if there are children involved. They'll probably put a lot of time and consideration into the timing and approach to make the introduction as smooth and welcoming as possible.
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Let your relationship with the child develop naturally. Many people, especially if things are getting serious, want to develop a close bond with their partner's child. This is important, obviously, but you cannot force a relationship. You need to let it happen naturally.- Let your partner immerse you in their kid’s life at their own pace. If they are only comfortable with you interacting with the kid once or twice a month at first, respect this.
- Allow your partner to decide how to introduce you. You may be introduced as only a friend at first, and your partner may not engage in PDA in front of their child for a while. Be understanding of this and do not push for terms like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" if your partner is not comfortable with them yet.
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Make sure you’re comfortable with your partner’s parenting style. Observe how your partner interacts with their child. It's important you're comfortable with how your partner parents. If you're not okay with your partner's parenting style for any reason, this is a good sign the relationship is unsustainable.- Remember, when you're dating a single parent, you're becoming part of a preexisting familial unit. [3] X Research source Carefully observe how your partner interacts with their child and make sure you're comfortable with how they function as a family.
- Being uncomfortable does not necessarily mean you feel your partner is a bad parent. You could simply just feel out of place within your partner's family. Maybe your partner values different things than you do.
- If you do believe your partner is a poor parent and doesn’t take proper care of their child or dedicate enough attention to them, this is a huge red flag.
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Be a kind and supportive role model. If you're unfamiliar with children, you may not know how to behave around them. The good news is, there's no need to be a perfect parental figure right away. You simply need to be a strong adult role model . [4] X Research source- Be on your best behavior in front of your partner's child. Say "please" and "thank you" and practice good manners in general. Listen when the child talks. Offer to do small chores around the house, like helping with dishes after dinner or taking the trash out.
- Treat your partner with kindness and respect in their child's presence. Show their child how to treat others by treating their parent with courtesy.
- You can show kindness in small ways. Pay your partner a compliment. If the child shows you something they did at school, be positive and give them praise. If your partner has pets, be kind to them, pet them, and talk to them nicely.
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Be flexible. Remember, having children makes life unpredictable. If you're not a flexible person by nature, try to make room for leniency in your life. Plans might change due to sports tournaments, PTA meetings, and unexpected illnesses, and it’s important that you be empathetic to your partner in such situations and allow time to reschedule or revamp plans in light of the child's needs.- This doesn’t mean suffering in silence if you feel like you’re being neglected by your partner. If you feel as if your partner is bailing on you too often or prioritizing their child at the expense of their romantic relationship, it may be worth talking to them about it, or it may be a sign they’re not in a place to date yet.
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Include your partner's child in some activities. Once your partner seems comfortable with you having a relationship with their child, begin including the child in certain activities. Plan dates around kid-friendly events and outings so your partner does not feel like they have to choose between you and their child. [5] X Research source- Going bowling, skating, or to any number of sports events is a great idea as it's easy to take a child along. If there's a fair or carnival in town, suggest you all go together.
- If you and your partner enjoy movies, see if there's a kid-friendly movie you would both be interested in seeing. Many movies made for and marketed towards children can be enjoyed by adults as well.
- Plan nights in, especially on weekdays. It might be hard for your partner to go out on a Wednesday night, so offer to come over. You can cook dinner or bring over pizza and have a "family night" with board games.
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Try not to criticize your partner's parenting. Remember, you are not the parent. You are the partner in the situation. Even if you disagree with a decision, it is not your place to criticize or interject your own opinion. Let your partner parent and observe and support this in a nonjudgmental fashion.- If your relationship gets more serious or you begin to discuss marriage, and as you become more of an authority figure in the child’s life, you and your partner may take on more equal parenting roles—but at the beginning, take a backseat to your partner’s parenting. [6] X Research source
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Talk about moving the relationship forward once you're a month in. After a month or so of dating, you may want to take the relationship to the next level. This can be complicated if a child is involved, so you and your partner need to be able to communicate openly about where things are headed.- Define the terms of the relationship . All relationships come with a set of expectations that develop naturally over time. After a certain point, however, it’s necessary to have an open discussion about what you both expect. How serious are you about one another? Can you picture a future with this person? If so, how should you proceed? If not, is it worth it to continue dating for the time being?
- In terms of physical intimacy, a child can complicate things. Sex may have to occur at your place or when the child is out of the house, and it may not be possible for you to spend the night at your partner’s house until you've been together for a while, even a year or more. [7] X Research source Make sure you're respectful of your partner's wishes and boundaries.
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Have a serious discussion about the future. If you're in a serious relationship and your partner has a child, it’s important to have a talk about the future. You need to know where you stand not just with your partner, but in your partner's family. [8] X Research source- Do you see yourself ultimately ending up with your partner? Do the two of you want the same things in regards to family and career? Do you share similar values about raising children? Can any big differences between the two of you be reconciled in a healthy manner?
- In the event you get engaged or married, how do you factor into the child's life? Would you be a stepparent? Would you be granted any legal rights in regards to custody? Would the child refer to you as "Mom" or "Dad" or keep using your first name?
- Meet the ex. At some point, your partner's co-parent may want to meet you. They will likely be invested in what kind of person you are as you'll be spending a lot of time with their child. Talk to your partner about meeting their ex and what the expectations are for your behavior during this meeting.
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Consider becoming a stepparent. In the event you marry or become engaged, you'll become a stepparent to the child. You need to make sure you're ready for this kind of commitment. [9] X Research source- Remember, needs come before wants. Once you're a stepparent, you're no longer the child's friend. You need to be able to set rules and encourage the child to do their chores and homework and go to bed on time. [10] X Research source
- Once you become a stepparent, there will be a whole new family unit. To help the child feel like the three of you are a family, introduce new activities like board game nights, family dinners, and special games and events around the holiday season.
- Communicate openly with your partner. It's unlikely the two of you will always be on the same page in regards to parenting. Keep communication open throughout the course of your relationship so that any disputes can be resolved smoothly.
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Warnings
- If you're uncomfortable with your partner's parenting because you suspect abuse, contact Child Protective Services in your area or the ChildHelp National Child Abuse Hotline .Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.canadianliving.com/relationships/dating_advice/5_things_to_consider_before_dating_someone_who_has_kids.php
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/nurturing-resilience/201508/when-parents-date-someone-new-whats-best-the-kids
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/paradigm-shift/201912/how-date-when-you-have-kids
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
- ↑ https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/blended-families-stepfamilies/being-a-step-parent
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