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Social etiquette dictates that we say “thank you” and express gratitude when someone gives us a gift. Not receiving a verbal thank you or a thank you card or note for a gift can be annoying. Rather than stew about the issue, you may try to deal with not getting a thank you. You can do this by confronting the person about their lack of thanks or by accepting the lack of thanks and moving on. You may also adjust how and why you give gifts to others in the future as a result of the lack of thanks you received.
Steps
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Find a quiet, private place to talk. It's best if you two chat face to face and in a private spot. You may choose a neutral spot, like a coffee shop or a park bench. Or you may invite the person over for coffee or dinner at your home and have the talk then. Try to choose a setting where you can talk honestly and freely with the person.
- If you can, have the conversation with the person face to face. Confronting the person over text message or email can make it difficult for you to strike the right tone and manner. Even a phone call would be a better option than a text or an email.
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Ask the person if they received your gift. Ask them directly if they received your gift. You may do this if you did not give them the gift in person, such as a gift sent by mail, or if the gift was left in a pile of presents and opened later. Confirming the person has received your gift will ensure you are not confronting them for something they did not get or open yet. [1] X Research source
- For example, you may say to the person, “I was just wondering if you got my gift?” or “Did you get a chance to open my gift?”
- Doing this may also prompt the person to remember to thank you for the gift. Give them some time to respond and see if they offer their thanks when prompted this way.
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Express your displeasure at not being thanked for the gift. If the person confirms they received the gift, you may tell them simply and honestly that you were surprised and disappointed you didn’t get a “thank you” for the gift. Explain how it made you feel to not get a thank you and be honest about your feelings.
- For example, you may say to the person, “I was disappointed to not receive a thank you from you for the gift” or “I was hurt when I didn’t get a thank you. Did you not like the gift?”
- Often, saying this will prompt a person to respond with “Sorry” and “Thank you” or explain why they did not say thank you to you right away. Be patient when listening to the person’s response.
- Focus primarily on your feelings when you discuss the issue without putting blame on the other person. [2] X Research source
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End the conversation on a positive note. If the person brushes off your question or does not respond with a “thank you,” try not to let it bother you. Work on ending the conversation on a positive note, even if you did not get the thanks you wanted.
- For example, you may say to the person, “It bothers me that you do not show thanks for the gift. But I can accept it and move on.”
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Keep in mind the lack of thanks may have nothing to do with you. If you do not want to confront the person about their lack of thanks, you may need to work on accepting the situation as it is. Keep in mind the person’s lack of thanks may have nothing to do with you or with your gift. Sometimes people do not say “thank you” for their own personal reasons and you are not responsible for their actions.
- For example, perhaps the person has poor interactional skills and does not know how to say “thank you” properly. Or maybe the person feels embarrassed by receiving a gift and does not feel comfortable saying “thank you.”
- Think about the person's character and personality. Consider if they are just not comfortable saying “thank you” and try to accept that you cannot control their actions or their preferences.
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Remember that giving without expectation can be beneficial. You can also try to take a more generous stance on not receiving a thank you by seeing it as a selfless act. Giving to others without expectation of reciprocation can help you build empathy for others. It can also make giving gifts more enjoyable, as you are doing it only for the other person’s enjoyment and not just so you can receive thanks or praise. [3] X Research source
- Giving without expectation can also be useful for building a reputation for being generous and thoughtful with no strings attached. Your friends and colleagues may come to see you as someone who gives freely without expectation, a quality to be admired.
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Try to move on from the issue. Try not to get too hung up on squeezing a thank you out of the person or forcing them to show appreciation. Work on moving on from the issue so you do not let it cloud your day or get you down. Though the person may not have said “thank you,” you will likely receiving thanks and praise from other people you give gifts to. Do not let one person spoil your entire outlook on gift giving.
- For example, you may tell yourself to let go of the issue and take a few deep breaths to release it and move on. You may then focus instead on the people who did say thank you to you for your gift.
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Opt to only give gifts to those who say “thank you.” If you are bothered about not receiving thanks for the gift, you may adjust your gift giving practices in the future to only include more appreciative people in your life. Perhaps during the next holiday season, you only give gifts to people who said “thank you” to you the previous season. Or maybe you skip giving someone a gift for their birthday the following year because they did not seem to appreciate the gift you gave them this year. [4] X Research source
- You may set your own limits around giving gifts to only those who appreciate them based on your comfort level. For example, you may not be able to get out of giving a close relative a gift, even when they do not say “thank you.” Rather than get them a lavish gift, you may go for a less expensive gift so you spend less money on them and potentially feel less upset about not receiving a thank you from them.
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Try to practice gift giving without expectation. Moving forward, you may also try to give gifts to others without the expectation of a thank you. This may be hard to do, but setting yourself up for no thanks or praise at the onset can make it easier for you to give gifts freely and generously. Practicing giving without acknowledgement from others can be a good way to be more selfless and generous towards others. [5] X Research source
- For example, for the holiday season, you may focus on giving gifts to those you love and let go of expectations around receiving a thank you from them. That way, when and if you do receive thank you’s from them, you will feel surprised and pleased.
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Skip giving out gifts to others. If you do not feel comfortable giving without expectation, you may decide to skip gift giving all together. Rather than spend a lot of money on gifts every year for friends and relatives, you may opt for spending that money on yourself instead. You may feel better about focusing on your own needs rather than give to others, especially if you do not get the thanks and praise you feel you deserve.
- Another option is to donate money to charities or local organizations rather than to family or friends, as you will definitely receive thanks and praise from a charity or organization for your gift. This may be a good way to still give to others and get the thanks you are seeking.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionAm I right to feel hurt that my boyfriend didn't acknowledge or thank me for his Valentine's gift?Community AnswerYes. It's downright rude to not acknowledge a gift, and since he's your boyfriend, it's a sign that he doesn't really appreciate you. Try having a talk with him about how this made you feel.
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QuestionMy nephews never thank me for their gifts, they are 8 and 15. Their parents are the same. I am tempted to stop offering them gifts altogether to teach them a lesson, is this the right way forward?Community AnswerThe best way to do it is to say something to the parents. Tell them how you feel. It is rude to not thank the gift giver after receiving a gift, but it sounds like their children don't know this because they haven't been taught properly. If you stop giving the children gifts, they'll have no idea why you did it, which will defeat the purpose.
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QuestionMy brother deliberately doesn't thank me for gifts, but thanks my mother. What should I do?Community AnswerYou should tell him about your feelings, and if he still does not care, then tell your parents about it.
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Tips
- Consider buying yourself a gift in return. This way, you can thank yourself.Thanks
- Set limits when giving gifts. Try not to spend too much time, money, or effort on a gift if it takes a lot out of you.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Consider that some people may not say thank you due to cultural reasons or differences. They may show their appreciation in a different way. It's always best to talk things out to resolve any misunderstandings.
- Focus your energy on people who care about you in the way you need.
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References
- ↑ http://www.realsimple.com/magazine-more/inside-magazine/ask-real-simple/do-not-get-thank-you-note
- ↑ https://eye.hms.harvard.edu/files/eye/files/difficult-conversations-summary.pdf
- ↑ http://goinswriter.com/why-favors/
- ↑ http://alphamom.com/your-life/life-relationships/thank-you-note-etiquette-expectations/
- ↑ http://alphamom.com/your-life/life-relationships/thank-you-note-etiquette-expectations/
About This Article
Article Summary
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It can be hurtful when someone doesn't thank you for a gift. Try to remember that someone not saying thank you has nothing to do with you. It's just a poor reflection on them. No matter why they didn’t thank you, remember that giving without getting anything in return just makes you a more generous person. However, if it's really bothering you, you might want to confront them about it. Ask the person if they got your gift first just to make sure. If they did and they still don’t thank you when you bring it up, let them know that you're hurt. You could say something like, “It bothered me that you didn't say thanks or even acknowledge your present. Did you not like it or something?” For advice on how to move on if someone refuses to say thanks, keep reading.
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