How to Defend Your Girlfriend

Co-authored by Allison Broennimann, PhD

Last Updated: September 4, 2024 References

A good partner should be prepared to defend their girlfriend when her honor or safety is threatened. Knowing when to step in and when to step back is part of the process, though. When stepping in does become necessary, you'll also need to know the safest and most effective strategies.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Assessing the Situation

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1
Stay calm. ^{[1]
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Research source} Before you do anything else, calm down. Your temper may flare up the moment someone disrespects your girlfriend, but if you act purely on adrenaline and testosterone, there's a good chance you'll only make the situation worse than it needs to be.
- Be aware of any internal or external factors that might be influencing your judgment, too. For instance, if you're at a bar when the incident occurs, ask yourself if you've had too much to drink and if the alcohol could be impairing your better judgment.
- Even when your anger is perfectly justified, it still pays off to remain as calm as possible. It'll be much easier to prevent the situation from becoming violent if at least one person involved—you—can remain even-tempered. ^{[2]
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Get the details. Make sure that you're actually witnessing what you believe you're witnessing. Oftentimes, the truth of the situation will be immediately obvious. In some cases, however, you might be mistaken and there might not be any actual disrespect going on.
- This is especially important when you walk into the situation halfway through. For instance, a guy might be attempting to flirt with your girlfriend without knowing she's already taken, or the guy she's talking with so intimately might actually be a relative you've never met. If you make a move without knowing any of this, the move you end up making could be the wrong one.
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Trust your girlfriend. You need to trust your girlfriend in two separate but related matters: trust her to remain loyal to you, and trust her to take care of the minor incidents herself. ^{[3]
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- Even if your girlfriend is making small talk with an obviously flirtatious guy, it doesn't mean that she's going to dump you for him. She could be trying to let him down gently. Trust her to remain faithful to you unless you have some concrete reason to believe otherwise.
- On a similar note, if you do have concrete reason to doubt your girlfriend's fidelity, ask yourself if the relationship is really worth maintaining. If you have to fight to keep her, she might not be worth keeping. ^{[4]
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- Your girlfriend will probably be able to handle minor sources of disrespect without your intervention. After all, there's a good chance she had to deal with things like this before she met you, so she likely knows what to do. The harassing party is generally less likely to become violent when dealing with a woman, so letting her handle it can be a good way to prevent things from getting completely out of hand.
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Check your own motives. Ask yourself why you feel the desire to step in. If you honestly want to defend your girlfriend's honor or safety, you're off to a good start. On the other hand, if you feel the need to defend or “claim” your territory, you might be acting out of jealousy rather than chivalry. ^{[5]
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- Jealousy is a very human emotion that affects nearly everyone—men and women alike. Nonetheless, unchecked jealousy can be a very destructive force, and it's usually best to avoid acting on it.
- If you aren't sure what your motives are, ask yourself what part of the situation bothers you. If you feel personally insulted, you might just be jealous. If you're worried about how distressed your girlfriend seems or how dangerous the situation appears, your motives are likely pure.
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Ignore the first incident. Unless the first offense is unforgivably terrible, it's usually best to let it go. You might need to offer your girlfriend some reassurance, but don't confront the perpetrator just yet.
- For example, if a passerby shouts an insulting, crude, or otherwise disrespectful remark at your girlfriend, it's probably best to let it go. Let your girlfriend know that you disapprove of the action and will intervene if the offender returns, but don't chase him down.
- On the other hand, if someone tries to grab, strike, or otherwise physically threaten your girlfriend during the first incident, you'll need to step in and immediately put a stop to it.
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Step in when things escalate. Stand up for your girlfriend once a single incident evolves into actual harassment. At that point, the perpetrator has already demonstrated that the abuse won't end until someone else forces it to end.
- The escalation can be either verbal or physical. If the same guy keeps forcing unwanted attention or continues to make harassing remarks, it's obvious that he has no intention of quitting on his own. Defending your girlfriend at this point is both justifiable and honorable.
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Talk to your girlfriend about her level of discomfort. When possible, it's also a good idea to get your girlfriend's take on the current situation, too. You may not need to act if she doesn't feel alarmed or bothered by the disrespect.
- Watch for nonverbal cues, too, especially if you aren't able to talk to her about it. If your girlfriend looks visibly uncomfortable or upset, be ready to act on her behalf.
- You should also trust your own instincts. Some people are naturally more trusting than others, and if your girlfriend seems a little too trusting of someone who's giving you bad vibes, you might need to intervene even if she doesn't feel bothered by the attention.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Defending Her Safety and Honor

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1
Wedge yourself between them. Step in between your girlfriend and the wrongdoer. By taking this stance, you can break the offender's line of sight. This sends both parties the message that you're prepared to defend your girlfriend if the need arises.
- In essence, you're taking a “fighting stance” without appearing overtly aggressive. Making brief eye contact with the offender as you step up lets him know that you've got your eye on him, but don't stare him down or intentionally try to look threatening. Try to maintain a tone of calm, steady strength.
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Protect her with nonverbal language. Lean in close to her. Wrap your arm around her shoulders or waist. Take her by the hand, give her a quick kiss, or gently stroke her hair. Any simple yet intimate action should suffice.
- Intimate actions like these are an extension of your “fighting stance.” The idea is to tell the offending party, in no uncertain terms, that you care for this girl and have every intention of protecting her from anyone who tries to create a problem.
- Since the focus here remains on your girlfriend, though, it's not overtly aggressive. As such, it's less likely to evoke an aggressive reaction from the offending party.
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Try to defuse the situation. While rare, there are certain circumstances in which the offender may not realize he's done anything offensive. You might be able to stop the harassment simply by communicating with the perpetrator in a friendly manner. ^{[6]
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- For example, if the offender's judgment is impaired by alcohol or if he's just really bad at picking up on social cues, he may not have any bad intentions toward your girlfriend. Unless his actions undeniably fall into the category of harassment, it might be best to give him the benefit of the doubt.
- Combine protective nonverbal actions with friendly speech toward the offender himself. Consider telling him, in a lighthearted way, that the girl he's pestering is your girlfriend and isn't interested in shopping around for a new guy.
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Draw a line. If the wrongdoer refuses to take a hint, you'll need to tell him directly that the harassment needs to end. Be as polite as possible, but remain firm and resolute.
- Use strong wording, but try to keep an even tone of voice. Saying “you need to back off” will work better than shouting it. Losing your cool only encourages him to do likewise.
- Avoid the use of expletives, too. Littering your warning with cuss words might make you feel better, but the raw emotion conveyed by those choice words might also incite him to violence.
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Recruit allies. Look around for others who might be willing to assist you. In particular, check among the perpetrator's friends. It may seem counter-intuitive, but becoming the offender's buddy will be a more useful ally to have than a stranger.
- This is especially useful if the offender is drunk and his friends are sober. Check his friends' reactions when he speaks. If they grimace or otherwise look uncomfortable, they probably know that he's in the wrong. Asking them to help you defuse the situation before things get worse might encourage them to act accordingly.
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Leave before things escalate. If the harasser refuses to back down, it's better to walk away from the situation before the fight turns physical. Knowing when to quit isn't a sign of weakness or cowardice.
- It might be hard to know when the breaking point will occur, especially if you've never encountered a situation like this before. Some people will strike without warning. Most, however, do give some indication beforehand. If the offender's speech becomes increasingly violent or crass, or if his nonverbal language becomes more aggressive, it probably won't be long before he becomes physically violent toward you and your girlfriend.
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Call the authorities when necessary. When things get really ugly, don't be afraid to call the police. Doing so is actually the best possible option if you believe this stranger to be a threat to the physical well-being of your girlfriend or yourself. ^{[7]
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- If the situation seems genuinely dangerous, don't leave your girlfriend alone, even for a reason that seems sensible. Both of you should greet the security guard or police officer; don't leave her behind and do so by yourself since she might be more vulnerable to an attack while you're gone.
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Know some self-defense. Picking a fight with the offender is never a good idea, but if he decides to throw the first punch, you will probably need to fight back. Consider learning some basic self-defense for this purpose. ^{[8]
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- Typically, you won't get into much (if any) trouble for committing an act of violence when you can prove that it was done in self-defense. Only go as far as you need to, though. If one punch is enough to stop the aggressor's attack, stop there instead of continuing to pummel him.