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Learn how a bashful personality makes you more attractive to women
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While dating and sparking connections might look a little different for someone who’s more reserved, their shyness can actually be a huge strength that sets them apart from the schools of louder guys in the dating pool. We chatted with dating coaches and matchmakers alike to answer the burning question, “Do girls like shy guys?” as well as bring you the perks (and possible pitfalls) of dating while shy, plus how to make those perks work in your favor.
Things You Should Know
- Many girls are totally into shy guys, and are attracted to them for their quiet mystery and thoughtful nature.
- Girls also like shy guys because they tend to form deeper and more loyal bonds, and getting to know them over long periods is super rewarding.
- Practice dating while shy by striking up low-stakes conversations with strangers, and preparing some discussion topics ahead of your date.
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
Advantages of Being Shy
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You’re more mysterious. Shy guys tend not to show all their cards right off the bat. Since they’re more reserved and tend not to wear their emotions on their sleeves, they’re often harder to read at first. That quality usually translates to a certain mystery and intrigue that a lot of girls find compelling, and they want to get to know you better to see who’s at the center, and who the real you is.
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You form deeper bonds. Since it takes a bit longer to get to know a shy guy, there’s more investment, and a girl spends more time around you when starting a relationship. And by the time you’ve gotten to know each other, you’ve gradually bonded and formed an attachment, one that’s stronger than a guy who gets right down to business and doesn’t leave any mystery.
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Shy guys are often more intimate. Shy guys aren’t usually going out and bringing a girl home every night, and that’s a good thing! It means that you take intimate connections seriously, and treat them with the care they deserve. If you and a partner do reach the bedroom, then you both know you’re in for a special time, not just a forgettable, one-time connection. [1] X Research source
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Shy guys are often more loyal. Ever heard the saying “Never marry a railroad man?” The implication is that they’re away from home and so their romantic eye wanders, and the same can be true of outgoing guys. But shy guys tend to invest in a relationship, with an eye only for their partner, and girls often know this. [2] X Research source
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You’re a deep and fascinating thinker. One huge perk of shy guys is that they tend to think about what they say before they say it, not the other way around like so many other guys. A date with a shy guy is sure to be one filled with interesting conversation and sharing plenty of new and thoughtful ideas that leave her with something to think about long after the date is done.
- This also makes you a great listener, and girls appreciate it when the guy gives them their full attention and consideration.
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You’re less intimidating. And don’t get us wrong, it’s a good thing. Lots of guys put up a macho front that’s really more tedious than impressive. With shy guys, though, women get to enjoy getting to know the real you and uncover your personality layer by layer, rather than having to navigate some bogus, overly masculine mask every date.
- You’re also probably more polite and well-mannered than your extroverted counterparts, which is a huge bonus.
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You’re less likely to cause trouble or embarrassment. The thing about outgoing or extroverted guys is that they often land themselves in some sort of trouble with the things they say and do, and it’s the girl who has to sit there, embarrassed. But a shy guy has a bit more social awareness and sense, and girls know that a date with you will always be respectable and relaxed.
- You also don’t feel the urge to be the center of attention all the time, which gets exhausting for a girl.
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Shy guys are independent and do their own thing. If you’re shy, you’re also probably a bit of a maverick. You put lots of thought into things, and most likely have plenty of more unconventional hobbies and interests that guys who’re “part of the pack” don’t.
- This gives you a huge advantage in the dating pool, since you’re automatically more interesting than loads of guys who’re all into the same things.
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Section 3 of 4:
Pitfalls of Being Shy
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It can be hard to make the first move. Dating and relationship coach Mark Rosenfeld says that “shyness can sometimes look quite similar to avoidance, as in avoidant attachment…around intimacy.” This means that girls might not get the message that you’re into them at first. It’s best for a shy guy to make the first move so that they do get the message, but that’s not always easy, of course.
- That’s why just expressing interest is important! Rosenfeld goes on, “if the guy doesn't respond to your interests, you're better off just assuming he's not that into you or he's not ready for a relationship right now.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 842 wikiHow readers how they would approach an introverted guy to show you’re interested, and 74% said they would get to know him as a friend first. [Take Poll]
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You might misread the dating cues sometimes. Shy guys are often very socially aware in their own ways, but when the time comes to have a date with a girl, they can be too nervous to read the social cues they know so well. It just means that you might have to focus a little more on staying calm and focusing on the girl, so you can gauge your next move.
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You can get into your own head. It’s sometimes easy for a shy person to spend so much time thinking and worrying that they fumble when the time comes to actually chat with a possible partner. Nerves get the best of us, and making one mistake only worsens those nerves. [3] X Research source
- It’s important to remember that everyone gets nervous, and lots of girls think nervous guys are charming, since it shows that they care a lot about making a good impression.
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Section 4 of 4:
Dating While Shy
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Practice talking to strangers to hone your conversation skills. Practice talking to other people, even strangers, to prepare yourself for talking with a romantic interest. Dating coach Mark Rosenfeld recommends that you “focus on starting conversation , focus on getting into conversations with everyone.”
- Practicing casual, low-stakes conversations, like with elderly folks, baristas, bartenders, or other patrons. The more comfortable you become offering a quick comment or even compliment, the easier it’ll be to approach a girl you like.
- You might say something as simple as, “Do you know the forecast?” “I like your bracelet; where’d you get it?” or, “Isn’t that art piece on the wall striking?”
EXPERT TIPDating CoachJohn Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.Try approaching these practice conversations with an open mind. Try to simply relax and have fun chatting with people as you go. After all, positive social interactions start with a curious mindset!
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Think up some conversation topics beforehand. It can be tricky to keep conversation going in the moment, so brainstorm some things you might want to ask a girl ahead of time. [4] X Research source Avoid keeping a strict list to work through; rather, have a flexible array of options handy for when conversation starts to slow down.
- For example, you might decide that you’ll ask about topics like her work life, what she does for fun, books she’s read or movies she’s seen recently, or if she’s looking forward to any big occasions in her life.
- Remember to make eye contact , smile, and keep your shoulders loose to stay comfortable and approachable.
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Focus on your appearance to make a better impression. Your personality isn’t the only tool in your toolbox. Dress to impress on a first date to tell a girl that there’s more to you than meets the eye, even before you’ve said anything to her. That way, she knows that even though you’re shy, there’s a put-together and attractive guy on the other side of the table.
- Keep things low-key and casual, but still thoughtful, for most first dates. A clean semi-formal shirt, fitted pants, and shoes on the nicer side are go-tos.
- Also get ready by taking a shower, brushing your teeth, and styling your hair to show her that you know how to put in effort.
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Take it slow, and don’t rush things. Successful relationships don’t bloom overnight! Let things go at a natural pace; it may take longer fo you as a shy guy to forge an intimate connection, but that just means it’ll be all the more special when it does happen. [5] X Research source
- If brief and casual dates are what’s comfortable for you, then stick to those! You may find yourself opening up and spending more time with the girl as things progress.
- Also don’t get discouraged if a date doesn’t go well. We all have bad dates, not just shy guys. It’s a numbers game—the more people you see and talk to, the more likely you are to find the one.
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Ask her questions to let her take the spotlight. If talking about yourself makes you nervous, keep the conversation in her court by asking her questions about herself, and chiming in and offering commentary or follow-up questions every now and then. This way, you stay comfortable, and she gets to know that she has your full attention.
- Asking follow-up questions like, “What happened then?” “Why did you feel that way?” or, “How did you react?” is a great way to keep conversation flowing.
- Remember that conversation is a balance! Avoid dodging her questions or constantly refocusing the conversation on her. Dating is a give-and-take.
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Use dating apps to establish a rapport before you meet in person. Online dating is huge for shy people. It lets us get to know someone from a comfortable distance before things get more serious on in-person dates. [6] X Research source Chat with dating app matches a little to establish a rapport, then ask to see them in person when you’re more familiar.
- Matchmaker and certified life coach Christina Jay recommends you “agree to more virtual dates to make yourself more comfortable with strangers.” Try a video call or streaming a movie virtually first, if it feels more comfortable.
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Go on double dates or group dates to ease some tension. Sometimes having 2-3 other people in the group helps to diffuse your nerves and take the focus off of you. Plan a double date with a partnered friend, or invite a girl to a group activity. [7] X Research source That way you can get to know each other in a more relaxed and less intense setting.
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Be honest about your shyness and vulnerability. Your shyness is not a weakness—it’s just part of what makes you yourself. Tell the girl you like that you’re a bit bashful up-front. That way, she expects a little shyness and the quirks involved. She’ll also appreciate the vulnerability, or even be charmed by your honesty. [8] X Research source
- You might say something like, “You should know I’m a bit shy, but I really enjoy spending time with you,” or, “I’m a bit of an introvert, but you’re easy for me to spend time with.”
- Avoid apologizing for your shyness. It’s nothing to apologize for, and doing so can put the girl in the awkward position of having to console you.
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Tips
- Shyness and introversion are different! Being shy just means you’re reserved in social situations, while being introverted means you generally prefer spending your energy on things other than socializing. [9] X Research sourceThanks
- Remember that girls are just people, too! Keeping in mind that there are shy girls, just like there are shy guys, is a great way to open your mind and more easily connect.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about dating, check out our in-depth interview with Mark Rosenfeld .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201308/should-you-fall-in-love-shy-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201308/should-you-fall-in-love-shy-person
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/off-the-couch/202311/8-strategies-when-being-shy-interferes-with-your-love-life
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/off-the-couch/202311/8-strategies-when-being-shy-interferes-with-your-love-life
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/off-the-couch/202311/8-strategies-when-being-shy-interferes-with-your-love-life
- ↑ https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/dating-love/shy-dating-women-relationships/620245
- ↑ https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/dating-love/shy-dating-women-relationships/620245
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/off-the-couch/202311/8-strategies-when-being-shy-interferes-with-your-love-life
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-new-generation/201906/shes-not-shy-shes-introvert
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