Do You Really Love Someone if You Cheat on Them? Why We Cheat on People We Love

PDF download Download Article
PDF download Download Article

People who cheat often claim that they really loved (or still love) the person they cheated on. But can that possibly be true? Love is complicated to begin with, and infidelity doesn’t make it any easier to find the bottom line here. As a result, a lot of this will boil down to your personal beliefs. If you’re trying to explore the relationship between love and infidelity, we’re here to help you out. Just keep in mind that no matter what has happened to you, your feelings are valid, you are worthy of love, and you can come back from whatever dark place you may be in right now.

Question 1 of 7:

Can you truly love someone and cheat on them?

PDF download Download Article
  1. [1] Love is an exceptionally complex thing, and infidelity isn’t always super straightforward either. People cheat for a variety of different of reasons. [2] It might be frustrating to hear this, but it’s impossible to know if you can love someone and cheat on them at the same time. [3]
    • It may still be possible to rebuild a relationship after infidelity and find love—even if you truly believe that you or your partner never experienced true love in the first place.
    • You could claim that cheating doesn’t necessarily mean you never loved someone, although it might mean you don’t respect or honor them.
    2. Advertisement
Question 2 of 7:

Why do people cheat?

PDF download Download Article
  1. If someone is in a relationship where they feel like their partner doesn’t care about them, they may end up looking for that emotional fulfillment somewhere else. [4] Even if their perception isn’t accurate, they’ll go wherever they need to go to feel cared for, loved , and appreciated. [5]
    • This isn’t to say that the person being cheated on deserves it. Even if someone is neglectful, there are always better ways for the other person to address it. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.
  2. People who suffer from an addiction to sex , love, or some other vice may cheat because it scratches that addictive urge. [6] People with certain emotional or mental health issues may be more prone to cheating as well. For example, people with bipolar disorder appear to be more likely to act out sexually during periods of mania. [7]
    • Attachment anxiety refers to someone who develops increased levels of fear the closer they get to someone—often as a result of a traumatic childhood. People with high levels of attachment anxiety may be more likely cheat. [8]
  3. A percentage of people cheat due to low self-esteem or stress . Cheating may have nothing to do with someone’s significant other. Some people cheat because they don’t feel they’re worthy of a healthy, loving relationship, while others do it simply because they feel bad about themselves. Some cheaters do what they do simply because it makes them feel better and they don’t have a more productive way to take the pain away. [9]
    • This isn’t to say that this is a healthy way to deal with pain. Being stressed out, scared, or feeling bad about yourself is not a good reason to cheat on someone.
    4. Advertisement
Question 3 of 7:

If a partner cheats, does that mean they were never in love?

PDF download Download Article
  1. We have this idea that something has to be wrong with a relationship for cheating to occur. In reality, happy people in fulfilling relationships go out and cheat all the time. Whether you believe that someone can love their partner in the moment of infidelity or not, it’s difficult to argue that there was never any love in a relationship just because someone cheated. [10]
    • People fall in and out of love all the time. Even if something went wrong or someone made a mistake, you could theoretically say that love existed before the infidelity, and after the infidelity, even if it wasn’t there in the moment. [11]
    • There’s some good evidence that it’s possible for someone to love more than one person at the same time. This is what polyamorous people experience (although cheating isn’t polyamory and vice versa). [12]
Question 4 of 7:

Can you still love someone after cheating?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair can be difficult, but it’s definitely possible. [13] Don’t make any rash decisions for now. Think about what you want and create some space for the two of you to process how you feel. [14] If the two of you want to work this out, seek out couples counseling. This will dramatically increase the odds that the two of you can heal. [15]
    • This process is different for everyone. Some couples find it easy to come to an understanding, take ownership for past indiscretions, and start over stronger than ever. For other couples, it can take years for the healing process to take place.
  2. There’s nothing wrong with you if you have been cheated on and you feel the love empty out of your heart. That’s a totally normal, understandable reaction, and a lot of people experience this. [16] If you’ve been cheated on and you just can’t find it in your heart to keep pursuing the relationship, it’s okay to move on . [17]
    • This can be true for the person who cheated, as well. Some people lash out at their partner and cheat intentionally to “get back at them” because they’re mad and they feel like they’ve been pushed to the brink. For these cheaters, it can be hard to let go of all that anger.
    3. Advertisement
Question 5 of 7:

Can a man cheat on you and still love you?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Men are statistically more likely to cheat than women, but not by much (23% of men vs 19% of women). [18] However, anyone is capable of cheating, and anyone is capable of loving. Regardless of how you feel about those two things being related, the gender of the person who cheats shouldn’t play into the way you perceive things. [19]
    • A lot of the perceived differences between genders and cheating likely comes down to who is willing to admit it. It’s likely that men are just more likely to acknowledge the fact that they’ve cheated. [20]
Question 6 of 7:

Do cheaters feel guilty?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Cheating is a serious violation of someone’s trust. This kind of dramatic boundary-crossing usually carries all kinds of feelings of regret, guilt, shame, and despair. The vast majority of people deeply regret cheating, and it can conjure all kinds of guilty feelings if they never hold themselves responsible. [21]
  2. Some people cheat because they’re adrenaline junkies—they enjoy the thrill of tricking others and getting away with something. While it’s likely a small subset of people who cheat, these people don’t experience guilt (although they may act guilty if they’re caught). [22]
    • If you’re in a relationship where infidelity has occurred, don’t assume they don’t feel guilt. You can never know what’s in someone’s heart, and even if they claim to not feel guilty about it, they’re likely just trying to excuse their own behavior.
    3. Advertisement
Question 7 of 7:

Do cheaters always cheat again?

PDF download Download Article
  1. There are plenty of examples of people who cheat once and never do it again. However, studies do demonstrate that a cheater is roughly 3 times more likely to cheat in the future than someone who never cheated. In other words, while “ once a cheater, always a cheater ” isn’t true, the odds are higher that they’ll do it again. [23]

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    What does it mean when you cheat on someone you love?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    You might have forgotten your "no," or the main reason you wouldn't cheat in the first place—maybe you didn't want to hurt your partner or you didn't want to explain the aftermath to your kids. If you cheated, there's a good chance you forgot about this reason.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 34 Helpful 50
  • Question
    Why did I cheat on the person I love?
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
    Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
    Relationship Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Think about the circumstances that led up to the cheating. What provided the environment for you to forget about your commitment? Do you feel like you can't advocate for your needs? Do you feel like your wants and needs aren't being met? Are you still in party mode? A variety of different factors can lead to you cheating on the person you love.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 20 Helpful 84
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      11 Subtle Signs Your Girlfriend Slept with Someone Else
      How to
      Tell When a Guy is No Longer Interested in You
      How to
      Tell If Your Ex Is Waiting for You & What to Do about It
      How to
      React when a Cancer Man Pulls Away
      Why Your Husband Looks at Other Women Online
      15 Reasons Your Girlfriend Is Antagonizing You (& 5 Ways to Handle It)
      How to
      Apologise to Your Boyfriend Through Text
      Make a Narcissist Come Crawling Back
      12 Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Is Mad at You
      12 Reasons Guys Get Distant After Sex
      How to
      Find Out If a Guy is Playing You: 21 Signs He’s a Player
      Why Your Boyfriend Isn’t Interested in Sex & What to Do About It
      How to
      Tell if Your Girlfriend Likes Someone Else
      17 Reasons Why Your Ex May Have Blocked You (and What You Should Do About It)
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
      2. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      3. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
      4. ↑ Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC. Relationship Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4852112/
      8. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6439209/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
      1. ↑ https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/
      2. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5436896/
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/infidelity
      6. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3648986/
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.
      8. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6439209/
      9. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21667234/
      10. ↑ https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/why-happily-married-men-cheat-wives/
      11. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-18233843
      12. ↑ https://www.providencejournal.com/story/lifestyle/advice/2021/08/16/ask-amy-couple-cant-cope-feelings-guilt-infidelity/5509611001/
      13. ↑ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2013/10/dirty-deeds-deconstructed/
      14. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5709195/

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 318,103 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Millie

        Jul 23, 2022

        "It made me feel a lot better about what I did to my ex. Well, not a lot better. It just made me see there are a lot ..." more
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement