How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated

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Expert-backed tips to help you move on & thrive
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Falling for someone you can't have is always hard, but getting over that person is possible and will let you move onto better things. We talked with licensed counselors, psychologists, and dating coaches to help you learn more about how to move on, cut off contact, and keep yourself busy, as well as why you feel the way you do.

Best Tips for Getting Over Someone

  1. Unfollow or block them on social media to cut off contact.
  2. Avoid spending time with them whenever possible.
  3. Talk about your feelings with someone you know and trust.
  4. Distract yourself with hobbies, exercise, and other activities.
  5. Start dating to remind yourself there are other fish in the sea.
  6. Be kind to and pamper yourself to promote your self-worth.
Section 1 of 4:

Getting Over Someone You Can’t Have

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  1. It’s harder to get over someone you have to see constantly, even if it’s just pictures of them on social media. Psychiatrist Kirsten Thompson says that “scrolling through their social media accounts, etc. doesn’t allow your mind and body to adapt to a life where they are not involved.” [1] Give your mind and your emotions a break by hitting “unfollow,” or even blocking them altogether.
    • Consider blocking their contact on your phone, too, if they’re not a necessary contact.
    • Also consider unfollowing their friends or people they’re associated with, if it’ll help you cut them out of your online presence.
  2. Licensed counselor Casey Lee tells us that “our emotions need to be felt through to completion with someone that will hear, support, and be there with us.” [2] You’ll feel a whole lot better after a good vent session, so find a trusted friend or family member and let them know how you’re feeling. [3]
    • Or, write it all down in a journal. What matters is that you’re taking inside emotions and getting them outside, so that they’re less powerful.
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  3. Dating coach Lauren Bilotta recommends that you “allow yourself to grieve.” [4] If the cold hard truth is that there’s no way you can be together, the quickest way to accept that is to embrace it and let yourself feel bad for a while. This helps you process the truth, and makes you less likely to get your hopes up in the future.
    • It may also help to be frank with yourself. You might say, "Get a grip, Samantha. You can't date Peter because he's married. He's off-limits."
    • Otherwise, if the person can’t see how valuable you are, then they don’t deserve you. Remember to tell yourself this at times when you are feeling low.
  4. There’s only one way to get those emotions out of your system, and that’s to feel them! While you do, support yourself with self-care. Indulge in some treats, take a spa day, watch your favorite movie or TV show, and just let yourself relax. You’re going through a lot, and it’s important to rest! [5]
    • Listen to music or even make a “Getting Over Them” playlist to help you channel those emotions.
    • Spend time in nature to get grounded and rooted.
  5. “Don’t sit around and feel bad about how things didn’t go the way you hoped,” Bilotta tells us. [6] Instead, use your energy to take up a new hobby . Keeping your body and mind occupied is key right now to stop yourself from dwelling on this sad aspect of your life.
    • If you can’t find a hobby you enjoy doing, go online to look for opportunities to have fun. For example, you could join a club, start exercising, travel, or do anything you’ve always wanted to do. There’s no better time than now to start focusing on you.
  6. If this person is still in your life, you might ask yourself if it’s worth talking to them about your feelings. If you level with them and lay it all out on the table, you might [Get-Closure| get some much-needed closure]] that’ll help you move on. Keep in mind, though, that closure may never come, so think carefully before you contact them. [7]
    • Only do this if you know that talking to them won’t lead to something messy, like a hookup. If there’s any chance it’ll make things worse, stay away.
    • You might say, “Hey, I just wanted to see where we stand. I’ve been a little confused, and I want some closure here so I can move on.”
  7. If you’re friends with the person you can’t date, you may still have to interact with them because of your situation. Psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz reminds us, though, that this is likely extremely difficult and can make getting over them even harder. [8] Avoid attending events with them, and decline any invites you receive from them.
    • If the person is aware of how you feel, tell them the reason why you can’t spend time with them. For instance, say, “You know I enjoy spending time with you, but it’s too hard for me to be around you right now, at least until I figure out my own feelings.”
    • Also let your friends know that you’re not seeing this person, so your friends can avoid bringing them up.
  8. If this person is a coworker or other acquaintance that you can't completely detach from, try your best to set boundaries and limit interaction as much as possible. [9] If you and this person don't work closely together, it may be as simple as avoiding areas where they hang out.
    • If you do work closely with this person, you might consider asking your teacher or boss for a reassignment or seeing if you could switch to a new project with a different team.
    • All in all, just make sure you don't let your emotional connection to the person interfere with your professionalism. Stay cordial, but don't go out of your way to connect with them.
  9. When you really like someone, you tend to focus on their positives. This is particularly the case when you can’t have them. But this isn’t reality: everyone has flaws, and reminding yourself of their flaws can help you move on. [10]
    • Make a list of why the relationship wouldn’t work. Also, write down what you don’t particularly like about the person. Refer back to it when you’re feeling down about not being able to be with the person.
    • If they’re your ex, think back to why it didn’t work out in the first place, and remind yourself that those things would only happen again if you got back together.
  10. If you had a relationship with the person, it may seem like a good idea to engage in physical contact with them, particularly if that was the basis of your relationship. Psychologist Liana Georgoulis recommends meditation to take your mind off them. [11] While you meditate, list the reasons why the relationship couldn’t work.
    • You will likely become more attached to the person if you spend intimate time with them. You might be able to stay friends, but avoid anything romantic.
    • Also remind yourself of their flaws. When you can’t have them, it’s easy to idealize them and forget that they’re only human, too.
  11. Sometimes, you just have to remember that something better, and more realistic, is possible! [12] It may be hard to imagine yourself with anyone except for this person, but finding someone else to spend time with can help you realize that there is someone out there who understands what a catch you are. It can also make you stop thinking about this person who is unattainable. [13]
    • You could join an online dating site, or ask your friends and family to connect you with someone. You may also be able to connect with someone at your church, school, or job.
    • You may be surprised at how many people you’ve looked over because you are only focusing on the person you couldn’t have.
    • Eventually, you will meet the right person and realize why your other situation didn't work out.
  12. Having self-love right now is key to moving on. Do things that make you feel strong and empowered. Bilotta says to focus on nurturing yourself, such as with positive affirmations, pampering, and doing other activities that you enjoy. [14] For example, if you have a favorite hobby, set aside time each day or a few times per week to do that to practice self-compassion.
    • Self-love also means taking it easy on yourself. Be okay with less-than-perfect work performance. Allow yourself a night off to binge-watch TV shows or movies. Call a friend to let them know you're feeling low.
    • It may be wise to seek the help of a therapist if you are struggling with your self-esteem. The therapist may be able to encourage you to see just how valuable you are and this may help you to move on.
  13. Lee reminds us that a good support system works wonders. [15] Talking about how you feel is vital to your mental health. Bottling up your emotions and feelings may seem like a good idea at first, but you’ll never feel better holding onto your anger, hurt, bitterness, and even grief. Plus, when you’re hanging out with people who love you, you’re not thinking about people who don’t. [16]
    • You may even want to join a support group or speak to a counselor about your situation. They may be able to offer you ideas on how to move on and can give your self-confidence a boost so that you can meet the person you were meant to.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 555 wikiHow readers which coping strategy they find most helpful after experiencing rejection, and only 9% of them agreed on seeking professional help or therapy. [Take Poll] Therapy can be extremely helpful and you should always seek help if you need it, but in many cases, it may be enough to rely on the support of friends and family.
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Section 2 of 4:

Why is it hard to get over someone I can’t have?

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  1. When it comes to relationships that just won’t work, there’s both more and less closure. More, because you know for a fact that it’s impossible. But there’s also less because you keep grasping for ways to make it work. The hard truth is that it won’t, and so it’s often better to give up on closure and start looking toward the future. [17]
  2. If you’re crushing on someone who’s partnered, or even a celeb, then closure never comes, because things were never open in the first place. Still, you have romantic feelings, and those feelings won’t go away with the usual methods, because it feels like you’re in this alone, or that the other person can’t or won’t help you. But you’re never alone! [18]
  3. When we can’t have something, we tend to get infatuated and obsessed, and Georgoulis says that “the more you engage in obsessive thinking the stronger it grows.” [19] It’s a rough cycle, and if you’re not trying to break out of it, it only gets harder. That’s why it’s important to let it out of your system, then move on to other things.
  4. Wishful thinking only serves to get your hopes up, which makes it that much harder when you realize again that it won’t work out. All the same, we can’t help but wonder what could be, if only… But those are dead-ends, and it’s best not to think about them.
  5. Lee says that when something doesn’t work out for us, “it can make opening yourself… really scary.” [20] You start to wonder if you’re capable of love, or worthy, since this one time didn’t work. But remember: all it takes is for 1 relationship to work, and then you’re set for life! Don’t let this one mishap ruin your possibilities.
    • You might also start to compare yourself to other people in successful relationships, but everyone’s story is different, and that’s not a fair comparison.
  6. When you’re putting all your love in one place, but that place can’t actually receive it, it’s easy to feel like love is pointless or that you’ll never find someone for you. You mourn a life you’ll never know and never have. But these feelings aren’t true! It’s just you don’t know what else to do with what you feel, so you commit to a losing game.
    • The only way to win is not to play! Instead, focus your love on your friends, family, and the people who are actually in your life. [21]
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Section 3 of 4:

How long does it take to get over someone?

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  1. That said, it’s different for everyone. Some say your mourning period is half the length of the relationship. [22] If you never had a relationship, though, it could take a few months. For now, don’t worry about the timeline. One day, you’ll wake up and find that it doesn’t bother you so much, and you’ll have grown as a person.
Section 4 of 4:

Final Takeaways

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  1. Ultimately, the best remedy for an impossible romance is time. In the meanwhile, let yourself grieve what you can’t have while taking steps to distance yourself from this person. Eventually, you’ll move on to better things, find someone you can love, and find that you’ve become a bigger, stronger, more capable person in the process. [23]
    • Surround yourself with people who love you to give yourself support.
    • Indulge in some self-care to help manage your emotions.
    • Find new things to get excited about in life to distract yourself while improving yourself.
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Get Over Your Crush with this Expert Series

Crushing over someone you can't have is both draining and distracting. Learn how to move past these feelings and take back control of your life with this expert series.
1
Stop Being in Love With a Person You'll Never Meet
2
Effective Ways to Get Over Someone You Love
3
How to Get Over Someone You Can't Have or Never Dated
4
Stop Loving the Girl of Your Dreams
5
Stop Liking Someone
6
Overcome an Infatuation

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  • Question
    I have a really big crush on a friend, but I'm not allowed to date yet. Any advice???
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    Maintain your friendship and see if the feelings grow. If they don't, you might decide to tell him. If not, you won't have jeopardized the friendship.
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      Tips

      • Try not to get caught up in fantasizing or imagining a relationship together. If you must fantasize, fantasize about someone new.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Remember that you're doing yourself a favor. No matter how hard you try to get with them, if it's not meant to be, it's not going to work. So stop chasing! Find someone new. Or better yet, forget about relationships for a while. If you have it bad for this person, you're going to need time to heal. Make the rest of your life the best of your life.
      • If they're dating someone you know and that's why you can't date them, just make sure you don't put yourself on their hook. Don't say, "I'll just wait," and don't chain yourself down like that. Go meet people. And good luck!
      • Regardless of how much you want to talk to them, don’t do it. It’s like picking a scab off of a wound and will make it hurt more.
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      References

      1. ↑ Kirsten Thompson, MD. Board Certified Psychiatrist. Expert Interview. 18 August 2021.
      2. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce
      4. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 26 February 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce
      6. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      8. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      9. ↑ https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/lifestyle/article/how-to-get-over-someone
      1. ↑ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-get-over-a-crush
      2. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup
      5. ↑ Laura Bilotta. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 4 March 2020.
      6. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      7. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/off-the-couch/201502/6-ways-to-get-past-the-pain-of-unrequited-love
      9. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
      10. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 14 April 2021.
      11. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      12. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/should-we-break-up/
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup
      14. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Liking someone who you can’t date can be tough, but by reducing your contact with them and focusing on your own life, you can start to get over them. Unfollow the person from social media and avoid contacting them so you can get some distance and perspective. If you have to interact with them, keep your conversations brief and impersonal. That way, you’ll start to view them as just another person again. While you’re getting over them, distract yourself with the things you enjoy, like hobbies or hanging out with friends. If you find yourself feeling down about the person, try listing the things you don’t like about them. This will help remind you that they’re only human and you’re not missing much. For more tips, including how to practice positive self-talk when you feel down or lonely, read on.

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