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When someone says or does something that hurts you, you may feel angry, sad, embarrassed, or even scared. While it may be tempting to lash out in return, sometimes the best thing you can do is put on a calm face and ignore the hurtful behavior. After the hurtful event, give yourself some time to feel upset. Understanding where the other person was coming from and owning your feelings about what happened can also help you start to move on.
Steps
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Stay calm . If another person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you, it's important not to give them what they want. On the other hand, if they're not being intentionally hurtful, reacting with anger can escalate the situation unnecessarily. Even if you're furious, sad, or scared, do your best to appear calm and collected. [1] X Research source You may find it helpful to:
- Take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
- Slowly count to 10 in your head.
- Keep your face neutral and expressionless.
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Keep silent if you can't think of anything constructive to say. If someone's being rude or hurtful to you, you may feel the urge to lash out or strike back with harsh words of your own. However, doing so will probably only make the situation worse. Instead of blurting out the first thing that comes into your head in the heat of the moment, stop and think about whether what you want to say is necessary, true, or helpful. If not, don't say it!
- Resist the urge to yell, cry, or insult the other person. Try gently biting your tongue or putting your finger to your lips if you feel tempted to snap back or speak before you think.
- If do you want to respond, but you need time to calm down and choose your words first, try saying, “Excuse me, I need a moment.” Step out of the room so you can calm down. [3] X Research source
Tip: If you're struggling to think of what to say after someone is rude to you, go for a walk. Not only will it give you time to calm down, but getting your body moving literally helps you think better! [2] X Research source
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Walk away if the other person is being intentionally hurtful. If you're pretty sure the other person is intentionally bullying you or trying to hurt your feelings, simply walking away may be the best way to deal with the situation. This will let them know that you are not interested in engaging with their hurtful and inappropriate behavior. [4] X Research source
- If you feel comfortable doing so, calmly say something like, “Stop doing that,” or “The way you're acting is out of line. I'm leaving.”
- If you can't just walk away, use your actions to show the other person you're not willing to interact. For example, you might take out your phone and start playing a game, put in your earbuds, or turn away and talk to someone else who is with you.
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Respond if the person is someone you know. Sometimes ignoring somebody isn't the best reaction to hurtful behavior. For example, if the person who hurt you is a family member, friend, or coworker, it might be better to calmly confront them and let them know how their behavior affects you. Ignoring them will likely lead to festering resentments and won't solve the problem. [5] X Research source
- For example, you might say something like, “When you call me names like that, I feel very hurt and disrespected. Stop treating me that way.”
- If a stranger is rude to you or you feel that the situation is a one-time incident, it may be best to simply ignore what happened and move on.
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Set clear boundaries with the person if the behavior is a pattern. If you're dealing with someone who regularly behaves in hurtful ways, it may be helpful to set and enforce some boundaries with them. Let them know that you won't respond to the hurtful behavior anymore. Make sure to follow through on the consequences you set.
- Sometimes it's helpful to offer an alternative to the hurtful behavior. That way, you can ignore the bad behavior but reinforce the better alternative. [6] X Research source
- For example, say something like, “I'm not going to have a conversation with you if you laugh at me or insult me. We can talk when you're ready to be respectful and really listen to what I have to say.”
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Get away and find help if you feel like you're in danger. If you feel physically threatened, don't try to confront the person. Get away from them as quickly as possible and find someone who can help you or call emergency services as soon as it's safe to do so. [7] X Research source
- If someone is threatening you or physically abusing you, don't ignore it! Even if you walk away from the situation, they might continue the behavior later or hurt someone else. Report the abusive behavior to someone in authority.
- If you have to be around the person again, try to bring somebody with you. They can act as a witness to any more abusive behavior or help keep the bully in check.
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Allow yourself to feel upset about what happened. If somebody's done something really hurtful, it's natural to feel bad about it. Trying to ignore or deny your feelings won't make them go away, and might even make you feel worse. Instead, put a name to what you're feeling and allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment. [8] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- When you have a moment, sit somewhere quiet and just breathe and think about how you are feeling. For example, you might think to yourself, “I'm feeling tense and embarrassed. I'm really upset about how Allie behaved at my birthday party.”
- Spend some time thinking about whether there's anything in your past that this is bringing up for you. If you can understand what's being triggered, it can help you put what just happened into perspective. [9]
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Expert Source
Lena Dicken, Psy.D
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
Tip: Mindful meditation is a great way to get in touch with and work through difficult emotions. Take a few minutes each day to meditate on how you are feeling in the moment, physically and emotionally.
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Try to understand the person's motives. Consider what might have been going on in the other person's mind to trigger their behavior. Maybe they were having a bad day and were lashing out at everyone around them, or perhaps they simply didn't realize how hurtful their behavior was. Even if it's clear that the other person was being intentionally mean, remember that people usually behave that way because of their own insecurities. [10] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- Understanding or empathizing with the other person's motives doesn't mean you have to excuse their behavior. However, it can help you make sense of their behavior and feel less hurt and confused by it.
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Acknowledge that the other person's hurtful behavior is not your fault. Remember that no matter what led up to your hurtful encounter with the other person, they made the choice to act the way they did. Their behavior says more about them than it does about you. [11] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
- On the other side of the coin, acknowledge that the other person doesn't control your feelings or behaviors, either. It's okay to feel hurt, but recognize that your hurt feelings are your own. [12] X Research source
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Work on solving the problem instead of ignoring the other person. Ignoring somebody is not always a helpful or healthy way to deal with conflict. In fact, intentionally ignoring someone or giving them the silent treatment can be extremely hurtful. [13] X Research source If the person who hurt you is a friend, loved one, significant other, or coworker, communicating with them about how you feel and discussing ways to deal with the problem is usually a better option.
- For example, you might say, “I feel really hurt when you call me immature during an argument. Can we work on finding some better ways to express our frustration with each other, instead of using insults?”
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Minimize your contact with the person if necessary. If you're dealing with someone who regularly hurts you or disrespects your boundaries, your best bet may be to avoid them as much as possible or even cut ties altogether. [14] X Research source If you feel you owe the person an explanation for why you are avoiding them, then calmly let them know that you have been repeatedly hurt by their behavior and are cutting ties for the sake of your own wellbeing.
- If you can't avoid the person altogether—for example, if they are a coworker or a family member who lives with you—be civil, but don't seek out their company. If you can, have another person with you when you have to interact with them.
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References
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html
- ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-you-think-better-after-walk-exercise/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-rude-or-inappropriate-remarks
- ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html
- ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-dealing-with-conflict
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-rude-or-inappropriate-remarks
- ↑ https://www.ready.gov/alerts
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_deal_with_mean_people
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_deal_with_mean_people
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_deal_with_mean_people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/
- ↑ https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/07/the-silent-treatment/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips-for-cutting-off-contact-with-narcissistic-family-members/
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