11 Signs Someone is Talking About You Behind Your Back & What to Do About It

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Learn how to tell if someone is talking about you
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Everyone gossips sometimes, but it can still be hurtful if someone is talking behind your back. Whether the person is a friend or a coworker, paying attention to their words and actions can help you determine if they are gossiping about you. Here’s a comprehensive guide to dealing with this difficult situation, including expert advice from therapists and psychologists on how to best put a stop to these petty behaviors.

How to Know if Someone is Talking About You

Someone might be talking about you behind your back if they pay you backhanded compliments, avoid answering questions honestly, gossip about others, hang out with people you don't like, and hide their phone when you come around. Note if people are treating you differently or if a group gets quiet when you approach.

Section 1 of 2:

Signs Someone is Talking Behind Your Back

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  1. Someone who talks about you behind your back is often angry or upset with you. These emotions can come through in how they interact with you, such as thinly veiled jabs or backhanded compliments . [1]
    • An example of a backhanded compliment might be, “Congrats on getting in. I hear that’s great…for a state school.”
  2. Someone who talks about you behind your back may not want to be honest with you about their feelings. Asking the person a question or two can help you determine if they’re hiding something from you. If the person is reluctant to answer or seems as though they are lying, that may mean they have been gossiping about you when you're not around. [2]
    • If you suspect someone is unhappy with your performance on a group project, for example, you might ask, “Are you mad about the project?” If they avoid you or say they don’t want to talk, it’s possible they’ve been talking to others about their feelings.
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  3. One of the first signs that someone may be speaking badly about you is a change in their behavior. They way they greet you may be awkward or forced, their laugh could be fake, or they might start to avoid you instead of being friendly. The better you know the person in question, the easier it’ll be for you to tell if something is different in the way they treat you. [3]
    • If you pick up any of these changes in energy, it could point to disloyal behavior.
  4. Body language can reveal a lot, including whether or not someone is really your friend. If the potential traitor in question has a hard time maintaining eye contact and constantly shifts their gaze away from you, that’s a possible indicator that they’re hiding something. [4]
    • Closed-off body language, like having crossed arms and legs, is another sign of nervousness or defensiveness.
    • If their feet are pointing toward the door when they’re around you, that likely means that they don’t want to be around you and are looking for the fastest way out.
    • These body language clues don’t always mean that someone is speaking ill of you, but it does hint that they’re uncomfortable around you.
    • Fidgeting is yet another nervous response as it may help them to self-soothe around you when they know they’ve done something wrong.
  5. Watch for signs that the person is dodging contact with you, such as avoiding eye contact, leaving a room or group when you enter, or pretending to ignore you. Also, pay attention to any electronic snubbing. Someone who usually texts or calls often and stops contact abruptly may have a bone to pick. [5]
    • They may be avoiding you because they feel guilty about talking behind your back, or they may be trying to telegraph that they are angry.
    • If you’re feeling bold, test the avoidance theory: if you think you see someone talking about you behind your back in a group, stroll right up and sit down. If the offending person gets up and walks away, your suspicions may be confirmed. Doing this also sends the message that you will not be intimidated.
  6. Someone who hangs out with people who don’t like you may not like you right now either. If a former friend is cozying up to someone who they know has been mean to you, that’s a signal they may be talking behind your back. It may also be an effort to hurt you. [6]
  7. Take note of any friend who hides their phone when you come around or gets uncomfortable if you look to see who’s texting them. People who are bad-mouthing you by talking behind your back may fear being found out. Hiding their cell phone around you may indicate that your friend has been chatting with others about you.
    • Be mindful of the fact that many people don’t like it when others look at what they are texting others, whether they are talking bad about you or not. So don’t always assume they’re gossiping about you based on just this sign.
  8. Notice if a group of people make uncomfortable eye contact with each other and immediately get quiet when you approach. The group may also avoid your gaze. Many people who talk behind the backs of others are too cowardly to confront the person directly about their feelings.
    • They may feel awkward when you accidentally interrupt them talking about you.
    • Freezing is another common response someone might have when getting caught while gossiping about you.
  9. If someone is being way more friendly than they normally are, they could be overcompensating for talking behind your back. This is typically in an effort to cover up all the awful things they may have said about you out of guilt or fear that you’ll find out, although that’s not always the case. [8]
    • They may be speaking about you behind your back to express a concern, which is still not ideal as they should be expressing all concerns about you to you.
  10. Someone who gossips to you about other people behind their backs also likely talks about you behind your back. If you have any friends like this, it may help to distance yourself from them if you don’t want them talking about you. The next time they try to talk behind someone else’s back to you, gently stop them from gossiping .
    • You could say, “You know, I really don’t like to gossip about other people like this. I think it’s unkind. Plus, we wouldn’t want someone doing that to us, right?”
  11. People who talk about you behind your back may find it hard to hide their negative feelings. They may want important figures, such as your teachers or boss, to think negative things about you, too. If people with a lot of influence in your life are suddenly treating you differently, it may be that someone is talking about you behind your back to them. [9]
    • For example, if your boss gives your typical weekly project to someone else, it’s worth following up on.
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Section 2 of 2:

What to Do About People Who Talk Behind Your Back

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  1. Go to a friend you know you can trust and ask them if someone has been talking about you behind your back. Assure them that you will not implicate them if you confront the person who has been doing it. Let them know that you simply want to understand what you may have done to deserve this treatment because it’s hurting your feelings.
    • You might say, “I think Lisa is talking about me behind my back. Have you heard any rumors? I wouldn’t ever tell her you told me, but I’m confused about why she’s mad at me.”
    • It’s vital not to violate the trust of your friend who sheds any light on the talking behind your back. They are potentially exposing themselves to rumors and the anger of others by confiding in you.
  2. People who engage in unsavory behavior, such as talking behind a friend’s back, usually feel insecure in some way. If someone you know is talking about you behind your back, know that it usually means more about that person’s character than it does about yours. Try to take the high road and ignore the person doing this. You don’t have to dignify their behavior with your attention. [10]
  3. If you’re feeling guilty, it may be helpful to reflect on your behavior to examine what’s not sitting right with you. Whether you’ve accidentally hurt a friend or knowingly done something unkind, your actions may encourage people to talk about you if they feel wronged. Reflect on what you could have done differently, if you’ve done anything wrong at all. Remember, sometimes people talk about you behind your back even when you haven’t done anything to deserve it.
    • Remember that your thoughts don't always reflect reality. If you feel bad about something you’ve done or don’t know a new acquaintance well, it can be easy to imagine things that aren’t actually happening. Don’t let yourself get carried away imagining someone is talking behind your back if there is no evidence to support that idea.
    • If you’re feeling paranoid , a few deep breaths or a calming walk can help clear your head. [11]
  4. If you’ve done nothing to bring on the person talking about you behind your back, you may want to stop the behavior by talking directly to them . Be honest without being cruel, even if you feel the other person is out of line. Ask that they treat you with the respect you deserve in your friendship or working relationship. [12]
    • You might say, “I think you’re talking about me behind my back, and I really don’t appreciate it. If you have a problem with me, let’s sort it out directly. We need to work together, and we both deserve respect. Let’s find a way to put this behind us.”
    • Remember—the goal is to have a reasonable and open discussion with them. Focus on gathering your thoughts and feelings in a structured way to communicate with them [13]
    EXPERT TIP

    Adam Dorsay, PsyD

    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
    Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.
    Adam Dorsay, PsyD
    Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

    Dealing with confrontation helps you grow your voice and helps you find ways to calm yourself in the presence of anxiety. I recommend self-talk, working with a therapist, and meditation. These methods can help us reduce our anxiety in the face of conflict so that we can feel the fear and just move forward.

  5. If the person in question is your friend, Kim offers advice on how to end a toxic friendship: “Ending any relationship is uncomfortable and sometimes necessary. Once a relationship has been identified as toxic, it is imperative to end it in order to protect oneself.” [14] Moreover, clinical psychologist, Nancy Lin, suggests dealing with this kind of betrayal in a way that prioritizes your own feelings.
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Join the Discussion...

How do you deal with people gossiping about you behind your back?
wikiHow Editorial Team
When people talk about you behind your back, try not to take it personally—it's often just a sign that they're jealous or dealing with their own insecurity issues. The best thing you can do is ignore them and live your best life. Spend time with positive people who lift you up, find fun things to do to distract yourself, and remind yourself how awesome you are. If the gossip turns into bullying and starts to interfere with school or work, talk to an authority figure, like a teacher or boss, and let them handle the situation.

We think this wikiHow reader summed it up nicely: "Whether you end up deciding to confront or ignore them, just remember that whoever is talking about you behind your back probably has some deep insecurities. But that doesn't mean it's okay for them to talk badly about you! However, you can rest easier knowing that their behavior has more to do with them than you."
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  • Question
    My best friend gossiped about me behind my back, which really hurt me. I trusted her with something sensitive because I thought she was open minded. To my face she acts like an understanding friend, but behind my back she talks badly about me. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Confront your former friend about her strange behavior. Ask if you've done something wrong to make her feel this way about you. If she can't explain herself, distance yourself from her. It sounds like she is a judgmental person who betrayed your trust
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  • Question
    I read some of my friends text messages with someone else and found out in the messages that she doesn't like me. I'm not supposed to know. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    I would simply move on. If someone doesn't like you, I don't see a good reason to try to salvage your friendship with them. It will likely harm your relationship further when you admit that you invaded her privacy to find this out. Seek out people who are interested in being true friends to you.
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  • Question
    I have a friend who does this to me all the time. What do I do?
    Community Answer
    You can approach the friend about their behavior, or you can decide that you don't want to be friends with someone who isn't a good friend to you. Think about what feels right to you, and move forward.
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      • Even if the someone negates their nasty comments with a, “just kidding,” it may be that they are having trouble hiding their anger.
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      • It can help you feel reassured to hang out with trusted friends or family members you know love and care for you.
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      • Consider forgiving someone who talks badly about behind your back. This doesn't mean that you have to be friends with them, though.
      • If you suspect someone is talking behind your back, ignore them. In many cases, people talk behind others' backs out of jealousy.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/backhanded-compliment
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-pragmatic-aspie/201109/fake-friend-real-friend
      3. ↑ https://healthpsychologyconsultancy.wordpress.com/2013/03/15/the-backstabber-personality/
      4. ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/theyec/2018/05/04/14-negative-body-language-signals-and-speech-habits-to-avoid/
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202012/is-someone-avoiding-you-this-might-be-why
      6. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/signs-not-friend/
      7. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      8. ↑ https://psychologyfanatic.com/overcompensation/
      9. ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/11/how-bullying-manifests-at-work-and-how-to-stop-it
      1. ↑ https://www.shrm.org/mena/topics-tools/news/employee-relations/how-to-respond-when-an-employee-badmouths-you-or-your-company
      2. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/publications/how-look-after-your-mental-health-using-exercise
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-therapy/201406/how-to-confront
      4. ↑ Hyungbum Kang, MA, MSW, LCSW, MAC. Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Expert Interview. 22 July 2021.
      5. ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
      6. ↑ Nancy Lin, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you’re afraid that someone’s talking behind your back, pay attention to the way they talk and act around you. Since this person may be not want to be honest about their feelings towards you, watch to see if they avoid your questions. For example, if you ask them, "Are you mad about the group project?" and they change the subject, they may be avoiding how they really feel. You should also notice if the person gossips about others, since it’s likely they’re doing the same to you! When you walk into a room, notice if this person suddenly stops talking, which may be a sign they were bad-mouthing you. If you’re still unsure whether or not they’re talking behind your back, try asking a trusted friend if they’ve heard any rumors about you. To learn how to confront the person spreading rumors, read on!

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