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Real friends can be difficult to find and keep, but they're the friends who will be there for you, won't judge you, and will stick up for you even if you don't agree on everything. It can be difficult to find and make real friends, but it's possible if you know what qualities to look for, put yourself out there to meet new people, and show genuine interest. It's also important to avoid fake friends and be a good friend yourself in order to make and keep real friends.
Steps
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Get to know people who share your interests. You do not have to have everything in common with someone to become friends, but having a few things in common will help you to find things to talk about and make spending time together more fun. It may also make it easier to bond with the person. Try to search out people who share some of your interests.
- Try talking to people who share your hobbies, such as other members of your kickboxing class or members of a book club you belong to.
- Talk to people that you meet at events, such as at a poetry slam, at a protest, or at a 5K race.
- Join a Meetup group on Meetup.com to find people who share your interests. There are meetups for board games, hiking, knitting, and other special interests.
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Look for caring people. Good friends will be able to support you without judging you. Even if they don't agree with everything you do, they'll still show they care by listening to you, showing compassion, and staying with you through good and bad times. [1] X Research source
- A friend who doesn't listen well will change the subject, try to one-up you, or tell you how to fix your problems. [2] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source They won't really care about what you're saying and might be more interested in giving you advice or getting you to listen to their problems.
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Find people who are genuinely interested. True friends will be curious about what's going on in your life. They'll ask how you're doing and care to hear the answer. They won't spend the whole time you're together talking about themselves and not paying attention to what you have to say. [3] X Expert Source Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Expert Interview. 11 April 2019. In your daily interactions, notice people who ask about your opinions and feelings. If you're having trouble determining if anyone in your life is really interested in you, ask yourself if they: [4] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source- Actively talk with you to get to know you better.
- Go beyond making small talk about school, work, or the weather.
- Avoid distractions when they're with you, like looking at their phone.
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Notice people who are accepting. Good friends will let you freely express yourself without judging. Pay attention to current friends and acquaintances. Notice how they treat you and other people.
- If you identify as gay, a good friend is someone who will be accepting of your sexuality. They'll ask you questions, understand the coming out process is difficult, won't put pressure on you, and won't call you names. They'll defend you if anyone makes fun of your identity. [5] X Research source
- If you don't come from a wealthy background, a real friend will understand that friendship is about more than status, labels, and brands. They'll accept you for your style or where you live. They won't hold your background against you, pity you, or make fun of where you come from.
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Find people who value loyalty and safety. Good friends will consistently be there for you when you need them. In general, they'll make you feel comfortable around them and feel like you're a valuable part of their life. Look for people who follow-through on their promises or plans with you. [6] X Research source
- Avoid people who tend to share secrets or gossip. Chances are you won't feel safe sharing close, personal information with them, which you should be able to do as a friend. You might want to avoid them. [7] X Research source
- Stay away from people who pressure you into doing things you don't want to do. You won't be able to build trust or feel safe with people who don't have respect for your values.
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Find people who are positive. Good friends for you will be those who are in general fun to be around, self-confident, and happy. Everyone has their down days, but try to surround yourself with people who can recognize the humor in life and keep the bad things in perspective for you. [8] X Research source
- Stay away from people who constantly complain about their problems or try to pull you down into their drama.
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Meet new people nearby. Be open to trying new activities in your town or school. This will allow you to meet and interact with people who could become new friends. [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Volunteer.
- Take a music class.
- Join a team or a club.
- Walk your dog.
- Help out at local businesses.
- Explore your town more.
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Talk with people online. If you're shy, or just don't have access to or time for meeting new people in-person, consider using social media more. Chatting with people from work or school online is a great way to get to know people more. Chatting online may reduce some nervousness and allows you to talk to people from the safety of your own home.
- Keep in mind to be careful when meeting or talking to new friends online. You may be getting inaccurate information about who someone is.
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Make time for new friends. To get good friendships to grow, actively try to spend quality time with new friends. Plan time for something fun or interesting, such as going to a movie, going on a hike, or sharing a meal.
- Be wary of always having to be the one to make time for your friends. Your friends should also be initiating and making plans with you, too.
- Keep in mind not to overwhelm friends by calling them too much. Avoid calling or texting late at night.
- If you don’t have a lot of time to spend one-on-one, schedule a group activity. [10] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Pay attention. Notice what your new friends like. Try to schedule activities with them around their interests. Try to connect with them by showing interest in their opinions and experiences. Ask questions about them that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, you might ask: [11] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- What do you like to do on the weekends?
- Who is your favorite band?
- Where do you like to vacation?
- When did you meet your boyfriend?
- Why do you like that sports team?
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Reflect on the friendship. After you start a friendship with someone new, it is a good idea to reflect on the friendship to see if it is something you want to continue. Try asking yourself some questions to evaluate the friendship, such as:
- Do we mesh well?
- Do we get each other and enjoy each other's company?
- Do I feel safe, trusting, and open?
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Avoid superficial friendships. A true friendship is one where you’ll connect over meaningful things, not just because you’re on the same team or prefer the same brand of clothing. It doesn’t matter what other people think of your friendship, it only matters how you feel in the friendship. A friend that might be more superficial or focused on appearances will: [12] X Expert Source Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.- Criticize you.
- Be dramatic or negative toward you.
- Disrespect your needs and opinions.
- Take advantage of you.
- Manipulate or control you to do what they want.
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Speak up. Don't be afraid to stick up for what you believe in, even if your friends disagree. A real friend will respect your opinion, let you express your beliefs, and let you make your own decisions. Be wary of friends who criticize you, bully you, or don’t listen to you.
- You can speak up for yourself while still avoiding blaming your friend. You can say, “I feel__when you do/say___. I need you to___. Can you do that?” For example, “I feel frustrated when you make fun of the music I like. I understand that you like different music than me, but I need you to stop. Can you do that?”
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Set boundaries. You may enjoy having some friendships that aren’t as deep or close as others. Establish clear rules and limits for yourself with all of your friends, whether real or superficial. Let your friends know your comfort level on how you spend time with each other. Some good boundaries to set with fake friends include:
- Avoid online communication and gossiping.
- Set online privacy settings to make their access to your information limited.
- Avoid frequent text messaging.
- Spend time in groups rather than one-on-one.
- Turn down invitations or say “no” when you need to.
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Be comfortable with rejection. Rejection is a normal part of friendships and may be hurtful, but you don’t have to take it personally. A friend who rejects you may be doing so for any number of reasons. Focus instead on finding and keeping better friends who won’t reject you for who you are. [13] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
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Be authentic. If you're not comfortable being yourself around people then your friends might have a hard time feeling comfortable around you. Don't be fake, don't say you like things just because other people do, and don't try to be someone’s friend just because it would make you more popular.
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Accept yourself. You’ll have to like and accept yourself in order for your friends to like you too. You should not have to work hard to be perfect for your friends to like you. You will start to accept yourself more if you can: [14] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
- Forgive yourself for any mistakes you make.
- Be open with others.
- Avoid calling yourself names.
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Learn to listen. Make your friends feel like they have been heard and understood. Listen closely to what your friends say. Try not to judge them, make fun of them, or think of how you’re going to reply. To be a better listener with friends, you should summarize what they said, ask for clarification, and show empathy and understanding. [15] X Research source
- You might say, “It sounds like you were feeling really disappointed that happened. Is that right?”
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Share equally. Don’t let your friends do all the talking. A good friendship is one in which you both feel comfortable sharing equally. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share what’s going in your life too, without feeling a need to compete with their experiences.
- Keep in mind that you don’t have to share your whole life story or deepest secrets with people, particularly around newer friends. Start small and see if you can trust your friends. [16] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source For example, you may disclose a childhood fear of heights before disclosing something more important, like your religion or sexuality.
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Give yourself space. Learn how to be alone and apart from your friends. While it’s important to rely on and connect with your friends, you don’t want to cling to them or for them to be dependent on you. Find ways to be alone at least once a week by:
- Playing an instrument.
- Taking a walk.
- Journaling.
- Avoiding spending too much time online.
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QuestionHow do you decide if a friendship is worth fixing?Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.Take a step back and ask yourself: Is this a relationship that is helping me? Am I helping my friend? Is this a reciprocal relationship? Is it one way? Is it just unhealthy both ways? We have a limited amount of time, and it's our only non-renewable resource. The time that you spend with a friendship that's going downhill and actually doesn't serve you probably isn't worth it.
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QuestionHow can I find a true friend?Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.Start by meeting people who share an interest in something you enjoy doing and eventually expand your relationship to personal topics.
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QuestionHow do you build a friendship?Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin specializing in Addictions and Mental Health. She provides therapy to people who struggle with addictions, mental health, and trauma in community health settings and private practice. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.Building a friendship takes time. Over time, you will develop trust in each other based on how you interact.
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- Remember that the quality of your friendships is more important than the quantity of friends you have. [17] X Expert Source Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.Thanks - Quality friendships require time and effort. Be patient and show your genuine interest in your friends.Thanks
- Be yourself. You’ll feel drained if you have to pretend to be someone else in a friendship.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-make-friends.htm
- ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-make-friends.htm
- ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/coming-out-ally
- ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/10/health/some-friends-indeed-do-more-harm-than-good.html
- ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2002/09/10/health/some-friends-indeed-do-more-harm-than-good.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-make-friends.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-make-friends.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/overcoming-loneliness-and-shyness.htm
- ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/overcoming-loneliness-and-shyness.htm
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/overcoming-loneliness-and-shyness.htm
- ↑ https://www.wsj.com/articles/tuning-in-how-to-listen-better-1406070727
- ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/how-to-make-friends.htm
- ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
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