Why Your Boyfriend Isn’t Interested in Sex & What to Do About It

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It can be discouraging when your partner doesn’t seem as interested in sex as he used to. Maybe you aren’t feeling satisfied sexually or maybe you even feel rejected. There are many reasons why someone’s libido can ebb and flow, including stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, and more. In this article, we’ll share some reasons why your boyfriend may have changed his sexual habits and also how you two can work together to solve those problems.

Things You Should Know

  • A loss of interest in sex can be caused by stress, health issues, low self-esteem, or mental health issues.
  • Your boyfriend may also be avoiding sex because of relationship problems or he may be feeling stuck in a rut.
  • Communicate with your boyfriend to find out what’s been bothering him, then work together to solve any issues.
  • Spice up your sex life and find new ways to be intimate to keep your relationship thriving.
Part 1
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Reasons for a Lack of Sexual Interest

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  1. Is your boyfriend handling difficult situations at work? Is he dealing with a lot of family problems? If your boyfriend is super stressed out, sex might be the last thing on his mind. [1]
    • Different people deal with stress in different ways. For you, sex might help relieve stress, but for other people, sex is an added stressor that can make them more anxious.
  2. Weight gain, hypertension, high cholesterol, low testosterone, and other health issues could be affecting your boyfriend’s sex drive. Fortunately, many of the health problems that cause low libido can be treated with a healthy diet and exercise. [2]
    • Erectile dysfunction and male menopause are health issues that mainly affect older men, but they can really lower a libido if left untreated.
    • Certain medications can also cause libido changes. If your boyfriend has recently started or stopped a medication, it could be affecting his interest in sex.
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  3. Does your boyfriend deal with depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems? If so, they could be causing his low libido and lack of interest in sex. Besides the disorders themselves, the medication used to treat mental health problems can also cause a lack of libido as a side effect. [3]
    • Your boyfriend may have temporarily lost interest in sex due to a sudden loss—grief often makes people lose interest in sex for a little while.
    • Even a general sense of malaise could be causing your boyfriend to lose interest in sex.
    • Alcohol and drug dependency can also mess with someone’s libido.
  4. Your boyfriend may not want to have sex if he’s feeling bad about himself. Check in with your partner to see if he’s feeling badly about his body or his self-worth. If so, you can boost his self-esteem by offering support and letting him talk through his problems. [4]
    • Performance anxiety is also a big factor that affects a lot of men. He might feel pressured to do well in the bedroom, which lowers his self-esteem, which adds more pressure, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that’s hard to break out of.
  5. If your boyfriend isn’t that interested in sex, he may feel more comfortable putting it off now that you’re in a secure relationship. It could be that he just naturally has a low sex drive, and he may even be on the asexuality spectrum. [5]
    • Even if your boyfriend is asexual, that doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t enjoy sex. Many asexual people have (and enjoy) sex with their partners—it’s up to the individual and their preferences.
  6. Maybe you and your boyfriend have been bickering a lot, or you keep coming back to one certain issue. Many people aren’t interested in sex when their relationship isn’t super solid, so your boyfriend may be waiting until your relationship gets back on track. [6]
    • If you’re having relationship issues, communication is very important. Sit down with your boyfriend and talk about what’s going on, and then make a plan to work on those things together.
    • Don't bring up the conversation when everyone is very tired, angry, or stressed, after a long day.
    • Or, visit a couple’s counselor to help you communicate effectively.
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Intimacy issues can also point to underlying anxieties. If your boyfriend tends to avoid deep conversations or sharing romantic experiences, he might not be ready for a serious relationship. This could be a sign that he needs a bit of time and space to figure things out for himself.

  7. If you and your boyfriend have been dating for a while, there’s a chance that he needs to spice things up in the bedroom to feel interested again. This isn’t any fault of your own—many couples get stuck in ruts and need something fun and sexy to get themselves out of it.
    • Do you find that your boyfriend is often the one initiating sex, or vice versa? If so, try changing up those roles for an easy way to switch things up.
  8. Too much porn and masturbation can cause some men to become less interested in sex. If you know that your boyfriend is masturbating almost every day (or more than once a day), there’s a chance that he’s expending all of his sexual energy on masturbation. [7]
    • Your boyfriend may even be addicted to porn, which can affect his sexual performance. Fortunately, there are ways to overcome a porn addiction .
  9. Unfortunately, a lack of sexual interest sometimes means that your boyfriend is not being faithful. He may be ignoring sex with you because he’s having sex with someone else. [8]
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How to Address His Lack of Sexual Interest

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  1. Talk to your boyfriend about how he’s been feeling, and ask him if there’s anything going on. Try not to accuse him of anything—be open, loving, and understanding, while expressing your needs as well. [9] Keep in mind that some men don’t like talking about their problems because it makes them feel less “manly.” Try to give your boyfriend the time he needs to open up to you.
    • “Hey honey, I wanted to talk about our sex life. It seems like we’re having less sex than we used to—have you noticed that too?”
    • “I just wanted to check in to see if everything was okay with us. I know we’ve been going through some things, but I’d really like to connect on a physical level again. Can we talk?”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 683 wikiHow readers what they’d do if there was a lack of sexual compatibility in their relationship, and most people ( 49% ) agreed that it's best to address the problem with an open, honest conversation . [Take Poll] For you two to come to an understanding and get on the same page, communication will be key!
  2. Don’t blame each other or try to “win” the argument. Instead, agree to tackle whatever’s happening as a team together. That way, your boyfriend won’t feel like he has to change things alone, and you can feel empowered knowing that you’re doing everything you can to help him.
    • For instance, maybe your boyfriend is feeling stressed, which is causing his low libido. You might help him by planning a relaxing getaway or dedicating 1 night per week to a relaxing date night.
  3. If your boyfriend is dealing with health issues, whether they’re physical or mental, encourage him to make an appointment and see a professional. Getting a medical exam to test his hormone levels and overall health will tell you if it’s something physical, and seeing a therapist can help your boyfriend address any underlying issues he has. [10]
  4. The lack of sex in your relationship could indicate that there are issues you both need to address. Talk to your boyfriend about what those could be, then make a plan together to solve them.
    • Maybe your boyfriend feels like you two don’t spend enough alone time together. You could work on that by having a dedicated date night once a week, just the two of you.
    • Or, maybe your boyfriend feels like the relationship is moving too fast. Chat about where you see yourself in the future and what your goals are as a couple.
    • If you’re having trouble solving the issues in your relationship, consider talking to a couple’s counselor.
  5. You’re allowed to have sexual needs, and you need to tell your boyfriend about them. It can feel a little awkward talking about sex like this, but it’s important for you two to be on the same page. Let your boyfriend know how often you’d like to have sex, then see how he feels about that. [11]
    • “Ideally for me, we’d be having sex 2 or 3 times per week. How do you feel about that?”
    • “I’d love it if you initiated a little more. When I’m initiating sex all the time, it sometimes feels like you don’t want me anymore.”
  6. Getting stuck in a routine can make sex feel more like a chore than a fun activity. Find different ways to excite your boyfriend (and yourself) when it comes to having sex. You could try:
    • Dressing in a new, sexy outfit
    • Role playing
    • Introducing toys
    • Living out each other’s fantasies
  7. Connect with your boyfriend in ways that don’t involve having sex. You two can still grow closer together, even if your boyfriend is still dealing with a low libido. Try fun, new activities together and get to know each other on a deeper level to strengthen your relationship. [12]
    • Try touching your boyfriend physically in ways that don’t lead to sex. For instance, you might hold his hand or rub his back.
    • Or, you could buy each other small gifts to show your mutual appreciation.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do I talk to my partner about lack of intimacy?
    Diane Martinez
    Certified Holistic Life Coach
    Diane Martinez is a Certified Holistic Life Coach and Founder of Conscious Creating Life Coaching, LLC in Atlanta, Georgia. Diane has over 10 years of coaching experience and works with clients in person and virtually on a variety of topics including career decisions, family relationships, anxiety, and setting boundaries. Diane earned her Coaching Certification from Alan Cohen's Holistic Life Coach Training Program.
    Diane Martinez
    Certified Holistic Life Coach
    Expert Answer
    Bring up the conversation when neither of you are tired, angry, or stressed. Instead, talk about it when you're doing something relaxing, like watching a movie or sharing a pizza. Express yourself using "I" statements like "I observe" "I sense that" or "I notice"—that way, you can approach the situation with curiosity rather than sounding like you're blaming your partner.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/
      2. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/loss-of-male-libido
      3. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9296-sexual-problems-and-depression-
      4. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9296-sexual-problems-and-depression-
      5. ↑ https://lgbtq.unc.edu/resources/exploring-identities/asexuality-attraction-and-romantic-orientation/
      6. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/
      7. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      9. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/9-tips-for-having-difficult-conversations-with-your-partner
      1. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/loss-of-libido/
      2. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/campaigns/womens-sexual-and-reproductive-health
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-creating-intimacy

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