How to Reply When a Narcissist Apologizes

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Protecting yourself and setting boundaries with a narcissist
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Dealing with an apology from a person with narcissistic traits can be an awkward experience: you may be feeling anger and frustration, but also guilt and a desire to be the bigger person. We’ll walk you through how to respond when they apologize, and also give you some other tips for navigating this relationship, so that you can feel secure, healthy, and loved. Just remember that not everyone with narcissistic tendencies has clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed therapist can diagnose NPD. [1]

This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Check out the full interview here.

1

Recognize the signs of a bad apology.

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    Some people only say they’re sorry to smooth things over and regain control, and they may not believe (or care) if they are responsible for causing harm. [2] Keep a look out for some of these signs of a manipulative or inauthentic apology: [3]
    • Phrases like “I’m sorry that you got upset” or “I’m sorry that you felt bad” that shift the blame to you, rather than to their actions.
    • Empty apologies that simply say “I’m sorry,” without any further substance.
    • An incomplete apology, which goes further than “I’m sorry,” but doesn’t express any regret or give any sign that they plan on changing their behavior in the future.
    • Phrases that deny that the narcissist did anything wrong in the first place, like “It wasn’t my fault.”
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2

Ask them if they can see your perspective.

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    When responding to this person’s apology, try to see if you can get them to understand the hurt you feel. After they apologize to you, ask them a question like, “How do you think I felt when you did this?” or “Did you think about how your actions would affect me when you did them?” [4]
3

Communicate your boundaries clearly.

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    After they apologize, let them know that if they act in a similar way in the future, there will be consequences, and keep your word. Open up this conversation by saying something like, “It’s time for us to establish boundaries in our relationship.” [7]
    • For example, if you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, you might say something like, “If our next conversation devolves into a screaming match, and you call me names again, I’m going to have to reduce the frequency of our calls from weekly to monthly.”
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4

Let them know you’re disappointed in them.

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    Some people with narcissistic tendencies can be sensitive to criticism. To help ensure they don’t get defensive or angry, express your hurt calmly and respectfully. Tell them something like, “I’m very disappointed in you because of what you did, and am struggling to find a way to trust you.” [8]
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1 of 12

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5

Tell them you won’t accept an apology at the moment.

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    It’s important to avoid trying to please or appease anyone at the expense of yourself. You are never obligated to accept an apology, even if you’re being guilt-tripped into it. You can instead say something like, “I’m not in a place to forgive you at the moment, but thank you—I needed to hear this apology.” [10]
    • You can also say something like, “While I appreciate the time you took to give me this apology, I’m still pretty hurt, and just not ready to accept it at the moment. We might be able to try and repair our relationship in a few months’ time.”
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6

Keep yourself safe from an outburst.

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    If you’re having a difficult conversation and they become aggressive with you, leave the room. Arguing with a manipulative or overly sensitive person can be a challenge, since they’re unlikely to hear you, no matter how reasonable you are. It’s best to just say something like, “I disagree with your assessment of me,” and try to steer the conversation in a more constructive direction. [11]
7

Set expectations for your relationship.

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    It can be helpful to write down your feelings about your relationship so that you can more clearly understand your thinking. This person may be a challenge to deal with, but your relationship may be able to offer you other things, so take stock of them. [13]
    • If you know you can’t expect affirmation and love from them, don’t ask them for this when they apologize—instead, seek these things out elsewhere, and ask this person to work on things that may be more manageable, such as respecting your boundaries. [14]
    • If you realize that your relationship with them is costing you far more than it provides, it’s OK to take a step back from it. This can be especially difficult if they’re in your family, but even limiting your contact can help you feel more secure. [15]
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8

Know there’s a possibility they will seek revenge.

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    If you don’t respond to their apology with total forgiveness, they might try to punish you by distancing themselves, making new demands in your relationship, or otherwise trying to manipulate you. You can’t control their actions, but you can stand firm on being treated the way you deserve to be. [16]
    • Narcissistic people don’t forgive easily if they feel hurt. If this person pushes away from you, let them—if they care about you, they’ll come back. [17]
9

Accept that you can’t fix them.

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    Understand that some people are never going to change, so all you can do is manage your own relationship with them, so that you can preserve your dignity and happiness. [18]
    • Whether this person has clinical NPD or just some narcissistic tendencies, it will likely take time and dedication from them to change their ways. If they’re not willing to do the work, they’re unlikely to change. [19]
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10

Find a support system that treats you how you deserve.

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    Therefore, it’s important to cultivate relationships with a variety of different people through work, volunteering, or other social activities. Finding other, more affirming relationships will give you a greater sense of security, and keep you from getting dragged down by this person. [20]
    • If they try to make you believe you’re a far worse version of yourself, don’t fall for it. Buying into their vision of who you are will only keep you from removing their hold over you. [21]
11

Seek a therapist to recover.

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    It can also impact the way you interact with others in the future, and the amount of trust you can place in your relationships. Don’t let a single individual dictate your life—talk to a therapist or another mental health professional to strategize plans for recovery and rebuilding confidence in yourself. [22]
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      • Remember, not everyone with NPD is mean or toxic. In fact, many people with NPD are able to manage their symptoms through therapy and/or medication. [23]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder
      2. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      3. ↑ https://hbr.org/2016/11/the-4-types-of-ineffective-apologies
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      5. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      6. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/narcissism-demystified/202006/7-ways-set-boundaries-narcissists
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      9. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/make-it-right/202010/how-recognize-and-respond-fake-apology
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      3. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      4. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      5. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      7. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656603001247
      8. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0092656603001247
      9. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/arduous-work-of-treating-narcissism-therapists-guide-0112174
      10. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/arduous-work-of-treating-narcissism-therapists-guide-0112174
      11. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      12. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      13. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      14. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder

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