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Everybody needs space from time to time—even from close friends. But how do you actually ask a friend for space? We'll walk you through concrete steps to having that conversation and getting the space you need. In fact, giving a friendship some room to breathe allows the relationship to remain healthy. Read on to learn what to say to your friend, how to say it, and how to set your friendship up for success in the long run.
Steps
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Communicate how you feel. You are always less likely to hurt someone’s feelings if you can communicate how you feel and what you need without making them defensive. Try to describe in detail how you feel, and help them picture what you need. [1] X Research source- “I've had such a hard week at work. In an ideal world, I'd be able to lie in my bed all day. Can I ask you a favor? Would you mind if we didn’t hang out tonight?”
- "I'm going through a lot right now, and I really need some time to reevaluate things. Can I ask you a favor? It's a big one. Would you mind if we didn’t hang or talk for a few weeks?”
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Don't feel the need to overly apologize. It is perfectly okay to say “no” without saying “I’m sorry.” Here are a few samples:- “My week has been really busy. I think I need to take it easy tonight. Thanks though!”
- “Thanks for thinking of me, but I have to pass. Do you want to make plans for just the two of us? I need a breather from group situations.
- “This sounds like so much fun! Would it be possible to get a rain check?”
- "I don't know how to say this, but I don't think we really mesh with each other. I'm going to put this friendship on the back burner for a while."
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Offer an alternative. Any time you ask a friend for space, you run the risk of making them feel unwanted. If this is a friendship you want to hold on to, you can minimize these feelings by offering an alternative. [2] X Research source- "I'm not sure I'm up for going somewhere public. Would you be okay with just hanging out together at home?"
- "I think I need to be alone right now. Could we make plans for next week?"
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Consider their needs as well. All relationships involve give and take. [3] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019. If this is a friendship you'd like to preserve, think about your friend’s needs as you assert your own need for space. Remember, there's almost always some way for both of you to have your needs satisfied. If they need reassurance, try to offer that: [4] X Research source- "Hey, I want you to know that you're really special to me. I hope you never question that!"
- "I know I've been less free to hang out lately, but that's about me, not you. Trust me."
- "Even though I've been too tired to go out lately, I actually really love hanging out with you around the house."
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Avoid lying. Whatever you do, don’t fabricate a lie to get out of hanging out. It is perfectly normal to want space. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to be sorry about, so there is no reason to lie. It won’t make you feel good and you won’t enjoy the space you receive. People almost always find out the truth, which is often more hurtful than the lie. Your friend may feel hurt when you ask for space, but they'll feel worse when they find out that you lied and broke their trust.- "Hey, I don't want to lie to you about this..."
- "I really want to be honest with you, so I'm just going to come right out and tell you how I've been feeling."
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Wait until you’re not angry. Sometimes your need for space can be more serious than simply “needing to recharge.” If someone's actions upset you and that is why you want space from them, wait until you’ve cooled off to let them know. [5] X Research source- "I want to talk to you about this, but right now I need time to could down."
- "Let's plan to chat about this later in the week. Right now, I'm feeling to overwhelmed to talk this through."
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Practice what you are going to say. Especially if the conversation may grow heated, it is a good idea to rehearse the conversation ahead of time. [6] X Research source- Make an outline of your most important points. What do you need your friend to know?
- Once you have your outline, practice speaking in the mirror.
- You can always bring the outline with you if you think you may forget an important point.
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Just say it. No matter how you go about it, the important thing is just to say what you need to say. Preparation is only effective up to a point. After that, you have to take the leap. Don’t over think it and don’t put it off. Just pick up the phone and call. [7] X Research source- You can always do this in person too, if it is easier for you. Avoid doing this online, however, as your words and intent could get misinterpreted.
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Establish boundaries. If you feel that your friend is frequently overwhelming your space or if you don’t feel like your requests for space are being heard, you may need to set some boundaries. [8] X Research source Healthy boundaries are the foundation of a healthy friendship. If you want to sever the friendship permanently, it's important to voice it. Don't put it off and give them false hope. [9] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019. Here are some things you can say:- "I need to set a boundary. I told you I needed space, and I need you to respect that."
- "For this week, I'd really like it if you wouldn't reach out at all. I'll text you when I'm ready."
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Be persistent. Your need for space will not evaporate. When you need space, make sure you get it. Subtle approaches may work sometimes, but sometimes you need to be more direct. In those cases, you may need to assert your need for space more than once.- Keep at it! Claiming the space you need is a powerful act of self-love!
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Ask for space because you are busy and exhausted. Maybe you’ve had a stressful week. Maybe you just feel stretched too thin. [10] X Research source Give yourself the private time you need to recuperate by taking some space from your friend.- Remember, these is nothing selfish with a little "me" time. If spending time with your friend is making you feel worse, then take a break!
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Ask for space because you are more of an introvert and just need time alone. Everybody lies at a different locations on the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Do you find that you are more rejuvenating by time alone? If so, you may be more introverted. This means that taking some space for yourself is essential for you to feel good. Let yourself have it!- Explain to your friend that you're not being lonely, shy, or depressed. Tell them that you actually like being alone sometimes and that it's nothing personal.
- If you just say that you want to be alone, your friend worry that something's going on emotionally. They may not understand that this is just how you are.
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Ask for space because your friend is stirring up too much drama. Many times we need space from friends because they bring stress into our lives. If you have a friend who is stirring up drama, give yourself permission to take some space. It is almost always a good idea to let things cool down. [11] X Research source- If you like talking to this friend, you can still do so once the waters have calmed and nothing dramatic is going on.
- It's important with these friends to discourage gossip. This will deter them from pulling you into other people's drama.
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Ask for space because your friend is flaky and you're frustrated with it. Are you tired of making plans with a friend just for them to break plans or reschedule? You can choose to stop making plans with that friend. [12] X Research source- This may motivate your friend to stick to plans better and stop being flaky.
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Decide what kind of space you need. Before you know how to ask for this space, you must determine what kind of space you are looking for. [13] X Research source If you just need a night off, you may want to take a subtle approach. If you need to overhaul the nature of your friendship, your approach should be more direct.- Do you just need a night off?
- Do you no longer want to hang out with this friend one-on-one, but would be okay in groups (or vice versa)?
- Do you want to change the relationship itself (or even end it)?
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhat are the signs of a toxic friendship?Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.A toxic friend doesn't respect your boundaries. They may also make you take part in activities or situations that make you feel uncomfortable.
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QuestionIs it okay to end a toxic friendship?Jin Kim is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based out of Los Angeles, California. Jin specializes in working with LGBTQ individuals, people of color, and those that may have challenges related to reconciling multiple and intersectional identities. Jin received his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT-Affirming Psychology, in 2015.Absolutely! Ending a toxic friendship is a really important and necessary way to protect yourself. If possible, try to have a closure discussion with said person, so you both don't feel as bitter after the fact.
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Tips
- Accept that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.Thanks
- Being honest is always the best policy - even as a last resort, when tact has not made its way through.Thanks
- Don't pressure your friends.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- It is better to be vague but honest than tell a white lie. If they ask why you need space, say "I'm busy", "I need to spend more time on ______", etc.
- Be nice about it and don't say “go away!” or be harsh or inconsiderate. Treat people the way you want to be treated.
- Understand that your friends sometimes need space from you, and that doesn’t mean that they don’t like you, either.
- Taking space can be hard, but if it’s what you feel is best then it’s worth it.
- Let any major mutual friends know if you need a lot of space from someone else.
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Warnings
- Sometimes you don't know how a person will react. Be prepared to possibly offend your friend.Thanks
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References
- ↑ http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10515/how-to-ask-for-space-in-your-relationship-without-sounding-like-a-jerk.html
- ↑ http://jezebel.com/5891622/how-to-set-boundaries-with-people-you-love
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ http://jezebel.com/5891622/how-to-set-boundaries-with-people-you-love
- ↑ http://jezebel.com/5891622/how-to-set-boundaries-with-people-you-love
- ↑ http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/buildingblocks/toughconversations.html
- ↑ http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/04/space-relationship/
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
- ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
- ↑ http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10515/how-to-ask-for-space-in-your-relationship-without-sounding-like-a-jerk.html
- ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dont-respond-to-drama-and-drama-wont-come-back-around/
- ↑ http://ask.metafilter.com/140011/Getting-space-from-a-highdrama-friend
- ↑ http://jezebel.com/5891622/how-to-set-boundaries-with-people-you-love
About This Article
Article Summary
X
Telling a friend you need some space can be tough, but by taking a subtle approach and being honest, you can do it without hurting them. Provide an explanation of why you need some space, which will help your friend understand why you don’t want to hang out. For example, you could say, “I’ve had a really busy week at work and need to take it easy tonight.” You could also offer an alternative time to hang out to show that you want to spend time with them. That way, you’ll be less likely to hurt your friend’s feelings, because they’ll understand that you’re not rejecting them. If you feel your friend isn’t respecting your request for space, set boundaries with them. For example, you might explain that it’s OK for them to call, but they can’t just come to your place unannounced. For tips from our Friendship co-author on how to deal with arguments with friends when you ask for space, keep reading!
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