The Top 9 Differences between a Fling and a Relationship

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Figure out if you're in a fling or a relationship with our expert advice
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Sometimes figuring out your relationship status can feel like trying to solve a Rubix cube blindfolded. The good news is that we're here to walk you through the signs you’re in a fling and even give advice about how to progress to a relationship if you’re looking to get serious. Read on to decode the mystery!

Fling vs Relationship

Relationship coach Sven Loss says that flings are typically short term, while we don’t envision a relationship ending. Flings may also avoid commitment and prioritize a physical relationship over an emotional one. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll likely spend more time truly getting to know each other.

1

Fling: They won’t commit to you.

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  1. Suppose you’ve been hanging out for months, but they change the subject when you want to discuss whether you’re a couple. In that case, they likely want to keep things as they are and not commit to starting an official relationship with you. [1]
    • Remember, you deserve to feel valued and appreciated, so if a fling isn’t cutting it for you, don’t be afraid to express your feelings and move on if necessary—you’re a catch!
    • In an official relationship, both partners tend to be able to agree on their label status early on (partner, girlfriend, boyfriend), whereas someone in a fling may avoid this.
    • A fling can transition into an official relationship at any time. Be open and honest about your desire for a relationship with your partner—if they feel the same way, it might be time to make things official.
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2

Fling: They won’t involve you in their inner circle.

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  1. Most people can agree that things are getting serious when their partner wants to introduce them to their family and friends. This is because people interested in starting a lasting relationship don’t mind their friends and family asking about you. [2]
    • Alternatively, a partner in a fling may avoid having you meet their loved ones because they may be uncomfortable with speculation and don’t want to make things complicated, often called “pocketing.”
    • Keep in mind that your partner might have a strained relationship with their family and not want to subject you to their unfair criticism or difficult personalities.
    • If you want to meet your partner’s loved ones , it’s ok to politely ask! For example, you might say, “I can’t help but be curious to meet the people responsible for making you such a great person.”
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1062 wikiHow readers who've been in a fling or situationship, and only 12% of them said they realized they were in a fling because their partner hasn’t introduced them to friends and family. [Take Poll] While this can definitely be a red flag, there could be other reasons they haven’t introduced you yet. Make sure your partner knows how you feel before making an assumption.
3

Fling: It’s only physical.

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  1. Serious relationships have both emotional and physical intimacy, while fling relationships are typically categorized by having a primarily sexual connection. Essentially, flings affirm physical attractiveness, not emotional compatibility. [3]
    • For example, if your partner is only interested in sex and doesn’t make an effort to get to know you as a person, you’re likely in a fling.
    • Surprisingly enough, physical intimacy is often easier for people to manage than emotional intimacy, as many people fear rejection. If you’re looking to get more serious, consider asking your partner to go on a date with you where you can chat, like going to a museum.
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4

Fling: You’re always the one to reach out.

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  1. You had an amazing night together, but now it’s radio silence—what’s up with that? Unfortunately, someone in a fling may only reach out to you for physical connection and not try to grow their connection with you into something more. [4]
    • For example, you won’t often find a partner in a fling texting you to hang out unless they’re looking to hook up. Relationship partners are there for you when you need them, whereas your partner in a fling is typically only there when they need you.
    • If you’re constantly reaching out to your partner, but they continuously ignore you or make you feel like an afterthought, it might be time to move on . Remember, you don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs—there’s someone out there who will make you feel loved and appreciated.
5

Fling: You only meet up under certain conditions.

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  1. For example, if you’re busy or tired at night and have expressed this to your partner but continue to only reach out to you last-minute, they’re likely just looking to hook up and are unwilling to make sacrifices or compromises for your sake. [5]
    • Additionally, if your partner only wants to meet you at certain places during certain hours and is unwilling to display their affection for you publicly, they might be seeing other people and don’t want to be caught out and about with you.
    • This may be especially true if your partner doesn’t or refuses to follow you on social media.
    • If you’re concerned or uncomfortable about this, consider asking your partner if they’re seeing anyone else , and let them know if it’s important to you to keep your partnership exclusive.
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6

Fling: They just got out of a relationship.

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  1. A partner in a fling might be rebounding from a serious relationship. While it’s totally possible to enter into a wonderful relationship shortly after ending a serious one, these immediate connections made with another person shortly after a breakup are often considered “rebound flings.” [6]
    • Unfortunately, a challenging or significant breakup can lead people to look for validation elsewhere, resulting in flings with little chance of them developing into something more.
    • For example, if your partner reached out to you shortly after ending a relationship with their long-term partner, they might be looking for a casual fling and may not be ready to get into a serious relationship again.
    • If you’re concerned about being in a fling, ask your partner how they feel about progressing toward an official relationship. While it may be painful if your partner expresses their inability or unwillingness, at least you’ll know where you stand and can make an informed decision to stay or go.
7

Fling: You don’t talk about a future together.

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  1. Planning ahead as a couple is seen as a sign of commitment and strengthening the relationship. If your partner avoids this and only makes plans for themselves, you may be in a fling. [7]
    • For example, if your partner says something like, “I’m looking forward to finally booking a vacation in Greece,” but doesn’t ask if you’d like to come, they likely see you as a casual fling.
    • If you’re not concerned about planning for the future or simply aren’t into commitment, flings are an excellent way to meet your romantic needs without the hassle of a relationship. Listen to your heart and do what works best for you!
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Relationships Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Relationships Coach

    Clear expectations are key for a lasting relationship. It's always best to seek out a partner who shares your vision of what commitment looks like.

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8

Fling: Conversation is surface-level.

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  1. People interested in pursuing a relationship tend to want to learn everything about you, from little to big. In the case of a fling, however, you may often find you and your partner avoiding deep conversation and only connecting physically. [8]
    • For example, a partner in a fling might keep their answers short if you ask them a question, like only responding with “good” if you ask them how things are going in their life.
    • Tell your partner you’re interested in getting to know them better if you’re looking to transition from fling to relationship. If your partner denies or avoids getting closer to you, they’re likely only interested in staying a fling.
9

Fling: They’re a player.

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  1. We’ve all met players—they’re charming and know how to sweep you off your feet! While there’s nothing wrong with being romantically and/or sexually experienced, a person with a history of short-term flings may be most comfortable having another fling with you rather than establishing something serious. [9]
    • They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but that’s not always true. Many people went through numerous flings before finding the right person to get serious with.
    • Ask yourself questions like, “Does my partner make me feel special?” or, “Does my partner have a wandering eye?” to help you determine if they’re playing with you.
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Join the Discussion...

What exactly does "casual relationship" mean?
WikiRiverJumper240
WikiRiverJumper240
I hear people define their relationships as "casual" and see people on apps say they're looking for something "casual" and it sounds in theory like something I could get behind, but I'm not sure I totally understand what the word means and it seems to me like some people define it very differently: as friends with benefits, situationships, etc. So, what does a "casual relationship" mean to you? How do you have a successful casual relationship?
Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
I think it depends on the person! Some people put “I’m looking for a casual relationship” because they’re worried about scaring someone else off by adding they’re looking for “something serious. “ Dating can leave us feeling insecure, very vulnerable and often times we try to protect ourselves against rejection. Others are just looking for perhaps a hook up. If you find someone online who mentions a “casual relationship”, ask them! The only way to find out more details is by getting them to clarify. Best of luck.
Elvina Lui, MFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
Regardless of how you define the terms, the important thing is to be open and honest about what you want to get out of a relationship; the tricky thing is sometimes you yourself might not be sure what you want. You might start out thinking you wanted something casual, but as time went by, your feelings could have grown stronger, and you changed to want a long-term relationship.

While it is a risk, it is healthier to be open about what you're looking for in a relationship rather than hiding your feelings and needs. It is common that people choose to hide their feelings because they want to avoid conflict and rejection at all costs, but doing this sabotages your chances at happiness, whether you're looking for a more serious relationship or want to keep it casual.
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      Tips

      • Having a fling is just as valid as having a relationship. You’re entitled to have whatever kind of partnership works best for you!
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      • Remember that there are always exceptions to the rule. There may be other unknown factors contributing to why your relationship isn’t progressing past the fling stage if that’s what you desire.
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      • A fling is different from a love affair in that one of the members of a love affair has a serious relationship with a partner who’s being left in the dark.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/fear-of-commitment-or-phobia#signs-of-commitment-phobia
      2. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/353189821_Meeting_Potential_Parents-In-Law_and_Introducing_a_Partner_to_Own_Parents_Prospective_and_Retrospective_Studies
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-difference-between-sex-and-love-for-men#where-sex-starts-for-men
      4. ↑ https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/how-navigate-summer-fling
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/201902/the-surprising-psychology-that-drives-booty-calls
      6. ↑ https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/rebound-sex-51538.html
      7. ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/healthy-relationships/top-tips-building-and-maintaining-healthy-relationships
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships
      9. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/building-trust-after-cheating/

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