How to Handle Running Into Your Ex: 12 Tips for Keeping Your Cool

What to do when you run into your ex unexpectedly

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Jennifer Mueller, JD

Last Updated: March 16, 2025 Fact Checked

Regardless of how the relationship ended, chances are the last thing you want to do is run into your ex—especially if you haven't seen them in a while or they dumped you. The good news is, it doesn't have to be super awkward, because we're here to help. We talked to certified life coach Christina Jay and relationship counselor Jason Polk about how you should act around your ex.

What to Do When You See Your Ex

Running into your ex can be stressful, but just stay calm and keep the interaction short. Be polite, keep the conversation light, and avoid bringing up the breakup or talking about the past. No need to linger—make an excuse and be on your way.

1

Look your best.

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If you look good, you'll feel more confident. This is especially important if you've been wallowing for a few days—which is something everybody does after a breakup. But before you step your foot out the door, take a shower, put on your favorite shirt or shoes, and do what you can to look presentable. Then you won't be embarrassed or ashamed if you happen to run into your ex.
- After a breakup, it can feel good to make a change or do something different to refresh your look. For example, you might get a haircut, dye your hair, or buy a trendy fit that you wouldn't normally risk.
- Doing a bit of a refresh can also help you feel more confident about how you look and motivate you to put in that extra effort before you go out.
- When you go out, just stick to your normal routine and go to the places you normally go. Don't change things up just because you're worried about running into your ex. ^{[1]
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2

Stay calm and composed.

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Remind yourself that they probably feel the same way you do. Nobody wants to run into their ex by surprise—including your ex. Remembering that can help you calm down a little when you're caught unaware, especially if you're feeling a rush of emotion at seeing them again. It's also worth noting that you don't even have to interact with them again if you don't want to—you can simply turn around and walk away. ^{[2]
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- Even if you think you want to get back together again, it's still best to give them time to cool off before you try to reach out to them again.
- If you need to go somewhere and take a few deep breaths to calm down, feel free to do so. Focusing on your breath can help calm your emotions and feel more in control.
- Don't push yourself to have any interaction with them before you're ready, even if you're in a situation where you're likely to see them on a regular basis (such as if you work or go to school in the same place).

3

Display confident body language.

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Project confidence as you work on rebuilding your self-esteem. After any breakup, your self-esteem can take a hit. Spend the weeks after the breakup focusing on self-care and getting back to you. That will help you rebuild your strength and confidence. If you happen to run into your ex in the meantime, just know that maintaining good posture and powerful body language can actually increase your self-confidence all on its own.. ^{[3]
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- Focus more on avoiding body language that will make you look intimidated, such as lowering your head and staring at the floor rather than making eye contact.
- Avoid simply putting on a "boss pose" to seem more confident. If it's not natural to you, it will come across as stilted and can have the opposite effect. ^{[4]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source}

4

Be polite.

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Treat your ex the same as any other distant acquaintance. When you're used to being more connected with someone, this can be an awkward step back, but it'll really help you both. Smile and give a small wave if they glance your way. Let them know that seeing them isn't a big deal. ^{[5]
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- Keep in mind that this is likely to happen a lot, especially if you live in the same neighborhood or frequent the same places. They're less likely to flip out about it if you don't.
- "If it was something long-term and it got messy, it's best not to linger," Jay cautions. "Just be polite, exchange a few hellos, and go on with your day." ^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- Even if you're trying to move on and don't want anything to do with them, you can still be polite and civil when you see them out in public.

5

Make casual small talk.

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Mention that you're keeping busy and avoid discussing the past. You might offer a brief recap of what you've been up to lately, talk about a project you're excited about, or bring up something you know they'd be interested in. Keep anything you talk about positive and drama-free—running into your ex is no time to rehash your relationship or talk about any issues you're having related to that. ^{[7]
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- Jay notes that "it depends if things ended on a good note or on a bad note. If it [was] a disaster… there's no reason to stop and chat with them, just go on about your day." ^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- If you are interested in having a deeper conversation with them about your relationship, you might mention it and schedule a meeting where the two of you can sit down and talk privately.
- Whatever you do, don't ask them if they've been thinking about you—it can come across as desperate. It's fine to just act like they're someone you used to know.

6

Be yourself.

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Your ex will know something's up if you're faking it. You might be tempted to adopt a persona that will help you better cope with the situation, but your ex will likely see right through it. As a result, they're liable to think that you're having a much harder time than you are. ^{[9]
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- You've probably heard of the phrase "fake it 'till you make it." That's normally pretty decent advice, but when it comes to dealing with your ex, there's no need to pretend you've got it all together if you don't.
- If they ask how you're doing, go for a neutral response such as "hanging in there" or "taking it one day at a time."
- If your ex knows you were devastated, there's no reason to sugarcoat things or act like you've miraculously moved on.
- Don't try to overdo it and be too nice, but don't be mean either. Remember that they're no longer in your life, so there's no reason to continue to hash out your differences.

7

Keep the conversation short.

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Longer interactions can trigger an emotional response. If you want to normalize things between you and your ex, there's no reason to avoid them when you see them out. But keep it brief—say hello, maybe even say something about how it's good to see them, then make a polite excuse and be on your way. ^{[10]
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- For example, you might say, "It's great to say you, but I'm actually rushing to meet a friend. Catch you later?"
- Jay cautions that if it was a bad breakup, there's no reason to talk to them at all. But "if no harm was done, it ended on a friendly basis, if they stop and say hello, say hello back." ^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- "Just keep the conversation short, although polite," Jay continues, "and then move on with your day." ^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- At the same time, Jay cautions that you shouldn't "ask too many personal questions, like if they're dating someone now and what's going on, unless you have that comfort level with them." ^{[13]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}

8

Feel free to hang out with mutual friends.

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Tell your friends they don't have to pick sides. Breaking up doesn't mean you have to divvy up mutual friends, which can be really awkward and unfair to them. But it also means you're likely to get asked to some of the same events, special occasions, birthday parties, and whatnot. Just be polite and try to keep your distance from them. ^{[14]
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- Avoid talking negatively about your ex, especially when you're around mutual friends—it's likely to get back to them, and it'll make your friends feel really awkward.
- It's natural to feel a little sad when you see your ex hanging with mutual friends, especially if you remember all the good times you all shared together. Allow yourself to feel that sadness, then let it go and try your best to enjoy yourself.

9

Bring a friend to social events if you're nervous.

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Let your friends serve as a buffer if your ex will be there. If you and your ex run in the same social circles or you live in a small town, you're bound to run into them sooner or later. Stick with a friend and they can help steer you away if things start getting tense or awkward. ^{[15]
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- Stay surrounded by a large group of people if you can—your ex will be less likely to approach you and you'll be less noticeable anyway.

10

Introduce new partners briefly.

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Flaunting a new relationship can make things awkward. Keep in mind that this is a situation no one involved wants to be in. If you run into your ex when you're out on a date or with a new love interest, there's no need to go out of your way to show them off. Make a friendly introduction if necessary, then be on your way. ^{[16]
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- If you're going to an event with a date and there's a high probability that you'll run into your ex there, you might want to go ahead and give them a heads-up (assuming you're on speaking terms).
- If the shoe is on the other foot and it's your ex with the date, just say calm and keep your wits about you. Be polite and keep the exchange brief.

11

Take it slow if you want to stay friends.

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Give yourself time to move on before you explore friendship. Even if you ended things on relatively good terms, it can still take some time to truly get over a romantic relationship. That's why experts recommend at least 6 months of no-contact before you try to build a friendship with your ex. ^{[17]
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- Polk advises that you "Take the time to make sure that you are okay." Polk continues, it's generally better if "you have accepted that intimate relationship is over." ^{[18]
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  Expert Source
  
  Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
  Relationship Counselor
  
  [v162026_b01] 24 November 2021.}
- During that time, it's totally possible that you'll decide that you don't really have any reason to stay friends with your ex.
- Often, people believe that they want to stay friends because they actually want to get back together. The no-contact period gives you time to make sure you're after friendship for the right reasons. ^{[19]
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- If your ex keeps blowing hot and then cold, it's probably better to just let them go. There's no sense in remaining emotionally invested in someone who isn't reciprocating your feelings.

12

Set boundaries if you reconnect.

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Decide what you're comfortable saying and doing with your ex. If you want to become friends or even rekindle the relationship, take time to talk through the issues that led to your breakup. Set boundaries around how you both want things to proceed going forward. ^{[20]
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- The boundaries you set can also change over time. You might end up in a situation with your ex that you hadn't previously anticipated and decide that you're not ok with it.
- For example, you might go over to your ex's house to pick something up and they spontaneously ask you over to dinner. You might say yes and then later realize you're not comfortable sharing a meal with them yet—and that's ok! You can just make a polite excuse and leave.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How should I act around my ex if we have kids together?

Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Dating & Relationship Coach

Expert Answer

If you have kids with your ex and have to stay in each other’s lives, act civil around them. Try not to pry into their personal life too much, like who they are dating now.

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How to Handle Running Into Your Ex: 12 Tips for Keeping Your Cool

What to Do When You See Your Ex

Steps

Look your best.

Stay calm and composed.

Display confident body language.

Be polite.

Make casual small talk.

Be yourself.

Keep the conversation short.

Feel free to hang out with mutual friends.

Bring a friend to social events if you're nervous.

Introduce new partners briefly.

Take it slow if you want to stay friends.

Set boundaries if you reconnect.

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Tips

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