How to Heal from Sexual Violence: Key Steps Toward Growth & Recovery

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Expert insight on healing from the aftermath of sexual assault
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Experiencing sexual violence, such as sexual assault, rape, and sexual abuse is very traumatic. This can often cause severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. Trying to navigate what to do after experiencing sexual violence can be confusing, isolating, and exhausting. But recovery is possible. Survivors of rape and sexual assault generally go through three phases of recovery at their own individual speed. We’ll outline these below, along with expert advice from clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer.

Recovering from Rape or Sexual Trauma

  • If you or someone you love has been sexually assaulted, know that help is available. Contact a 24/7 sexual assault hotline or seek medical attention as soon as possible.
  • Once your safety and well-being are assured, you can focus on steps toward healing, like talking through the experience with a friend or counselor and taking time to feel your emotions.
  • Then, try to restore as much normalcy to your life as possible, while also understanding that healing takes time. However, things will get better, and you’re not alone.
Section 1 of 5:

What to Do Immediately After a Sexual Assault

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  1. Sexual assault or violence is “never the survivor’s fault,” affirms Tenzer, “yet they are often made to believe the opposite.” [1] No matter how it happened, nothing you did caused someone else to harm you. [2]
    • Do not be afraid of telling people for fear of being blamed. It was not your fault. Your body belongs to you and only you.
    • Rape and sexual assault can happen to anyone, anywhere. People of any identity can be victims of sexual violence.
    • You never asked for it, no matter the circumstances. Consent is always needed, and you're not alone. [3]
    • Being forced or pressured into sex or being sexually assaulted by someone you are on a date with is still acquaintance or date rape. It doesn't matter if you know them or are dating them. You can be in a regular relationship with someone and still be forced into having sex against your will. 8/10 rapes are committed by someone that the survivor knows. [4]
    • Drinking alcohol or taking drugs is not an excuse for someone to rape you. Intoxication loosens inhibitions and can increase violent tendencies. Drugs and alcohol can also decrease your ability to get help. Regardless of who was drinking or taking the drugs, there is still no excuse for sexual assault. You shouldn’t be afraid to report your assault, regardless of anyone’s intoxication level at the time.
    • Sexual acts cause physical responses from your body. If you did have such a reaction, do not be ashamed or feel guilty as if you enjoyed it. Erections, wetness, and orgasms can result from stimulation even if you didn't want it and didn't enjoy it.
  2. If you are in immediate danger or are seriously injured, call emergency services . Your safety is the first priority.
    • In North America, call 911.
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  3. You naturally will feel the need to get any trace of the perpetrator off of you but it is important that you wait.
    • Any bodily fluids or traces of hair left on you from your assailant can be used later as evidence if you decide to press charges.
    • Washing your face, body, or clothes can remove vital evidence.
  4. Go to the hospital and inform the staff you have been assaulted. Provide them with as many details as you can and allow for an exam if you feel comfortable.
    • If you permit them, specially trained staff will conduct a “forensic exam” and use a “rape kit” to collect hair and fluid samples for forensic evidence. These exams are extremely important to aid in providing evidence for your assault and even prosecuting the perpetrator. The staff that administer the exams are trained to be sensitive to your feelings and needs in this terrible time. They will try to explain the process to you and make it as bearable as possible for you. [5]
    • You might need to be tested and/or treated for sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. Treatment might include emergency contraception and medication to prevent sexually transmitted infections. [6]
    • If you suspect a date rape drug was used, try not to urinate until you get to the hospital. They will request a urine sample to test for Rohypnol (also known as “ roofies ”) and other date rape drugs.
  6. In the US, you can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or online and their specifically trained staff can guide you on where to go and what to do. [7] In Canada, call the hotline for your province found here . If you are anywhere else in the world, simply call the local authorities or Google “sexual assault hotline near me.”
    • Many sexual assault centers provide trained staff to accompany you to a hospital or medical appointment so you don't have to go alone.
  7. Informing police can bring your perpetrator to justice and prevent them from harming anyone else.
    • If you suspect you were drugged, save any cups or bottles that you drank out of, if possible. Drug testing may be conducted to confirm use of the drug and provide evidence that can be used later.
    • The most common date rape drug is not Rohypnol – it's alcohol. Tell the police if alcohol or drugs were involved. Even if you willingly drank alcohol or took drugs before you were assaulted, it is never your fault.
    • Informing police can also help you feel a sense of control and help you recover from the crime.
  8. Even if the rape occurred more than 72 hours ago, it is still important for you to contact the police, a helpline, and a medical professional.
    • Evidence of bodily fluids is best collected within the first 72 hours of the assault. Even if you are not sure you are going to press charges, get the evidence collected so it is there if you need it.
  9. You have gone through an event that will likely cause shock, depression, anxiety, fear and hypervigilance, and nightmares. The trauma that survivors of rape and sexual assault experience is a specific kind of post-traumatic stress disorder known as rape trauma syndrome. This syndrome and its symptoms are normal, and both will get better. [8]
    • Survivors may also feel guilt and shame, suffer disturbed eating and sleeping patterns, and have trouble focusing. These symptoms are normal, but still extremely challenging to experience. Seek support in whatever way you need it—whether by staying home and taking care of yourself, speaking with a mental health professional, or leaning on friends and family.
    • Take time to rest and take breaks when you need them. If it feels good to go out into the world, get back to work, or throw yourself into activities, go for it! But avoid the temptation to over-extend yourself in order to ignore or forget about your emotional symptoms.
    • As you’re resting and recovering, be smart about what TV programs or films you’re watching. Avoid any media about crime reporting, sexual violence, or that contains sexually explicit scenes. You may also want to temporarily refrain from any over-stimulating media sources, including social media.
    • The trauma that rape and sexual assault survivors experience is a specific kind of post-traumatic stress disorder known as rape trauma syndrome.
  10. You might be suffering pain, cuts, bruising, internal injuries, or irritation from the assault. These are painful reminders but they will pass. [9]
    • Take it easy physically for a while, until the pain and bruises heal. [10]
    • After you’ve sought medical attention and had an exam or “rape kit” administered by a healthcare professional, try having a hot bath, meditating, or other stress relaxation techniques that work for you.
    • Once your body is physically healed, try to reconnect to it (when you’re ready). You can try physical techniques like rhythmic movement, yoga, tai chi, and massage. However, don’t push yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with too soon.
    • Continue to do all the things you would typically do to take care of your body. Eat balanced meals, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and temporarily avoid potentially harmful substances like alcohol and drugs.
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Section 2 of 5:

Adjusting Outwardly After an Act of Sexual Violence

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  1. Denying and repressing your feelings is a completely normal part of the second phase of healing. This is called the Outward Adjustment phase. Repressing memories and feelings from the event actually serves an important role in the coping and healing process. [11]
    • A survivor often goes through a phase of acting as if the sexual assault had no effect on their life and it was just a bad sexual experience. This act of denying and repressing is called minimization. It is a normal response to help you carry on in the short term. [12]
  2. You may need to restore a sense of normalcy in your life, even if things still feel challenging. [13]
    • This part of the Outward Adjustment phase is called suppression. It allows you to act as if the assault didn't happen, though you still have turmoil inside. Just like the minimization part of this phase, suppression allows you to carry on in the short term.
  3. You might feel the need to talk about the assault and how you feel non-stop, to family, friends, help lines, and therapists. This is a normal coping technique that can be very helpful in processing your emotions. [14]
    • You may feel like the trauma has taken over your life and is changing your identity, especially if all you can and want to do is talk about it. It's normal to need to get it out.
  4. Sometimes, you need to analyze what happened and try to explain it to yourself or others. You might even put yourself into the shoes of the perpetrator to see if you can imagine what they were thinking. [15]
    • This step does not mean you are empathizing with the perpetrator or somehow excusing their behavior. You do not need to feel guilt if you find yourself going through this phase.
  5. You have the right to not talk about the assault if you don't feel like it. This is true even if you know that your family and friends are just trying to help by suggesting you talk about it. [16]
    • Sometimes, survivors may even change jobs, move cities, or change friends to avoid emotional triggers and talking about the incident. Not every survivor feels this need, but it’s normal if you do. This part of the phase is called “flight” because some survivors feel the desire to run away from their pain. [17]
  6. The depression, anxiety, fear and hypervigilance, nightmares, and rage you experience are all normal symptoms of having been sexually assaulted. [18]
    • During this time you might not want to leave the house, have trouble eating and sleeping, and withdraw from people and society.
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Section 3 of 5:

Reorganizing Your Life Over the Long-Term

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  1. In the third and final stage of rape trauma, survivors often find the memories of the event flooding back. They can no longer repress them. This stage is where the true healing really begins. [19]
    • During this phase, you might be having intrusive flashbacks that disrupt your life. These are normal post-traumatic stress and rape trauma reactions. There’s nothing wrong with you, but you may find comfort in mental health support.
    • If you can, try to learn to recognize your body’s danger signals and triggers. You may notice that certain things set off flashbacks. Your body may give you certain clues that it feels unsafe (like holding your breath, dizziness, or nausea). [20]
    • When these moments arise, try to self-soothe as much as possible. Slow down your breathing, get yourself to a safe place, and ground yourself in the present moment as much as possible.
  2. This stage is often where survivors feel overwhelmed, suffer flashbacks, and contemplate suicide or self-harm. As horrible as these feelings are, they will diminish over time as you move through the healing process. If you feel helpless and isolated now, remind yourself that you have strengths and coping skills to get you through challenging times. [21]
    • Helping others may also help you to reclaim your sense of power and agency. When you feel ready, consider joining a charity organization, donating blood, reaching out to a loved one in need, or even looking for volunteer opportunities at a sexual assault hotline.
    • Eventually, you’ll be able to integrate these past emotions into the new reality of your life. At some point, your healing process will include acceptance: the violence was part of your life and you can move forward. [22]
  3. This stage is the time for you to regain your sense of safety, trust, and control. You need to be in contact with others for this to happen. [23]
    • Choose when, where, and with whom you share your experience of violence. Be with people who are supportive. Set limits by only discussing what you feel comfortable discussing.
    • You have the right to tell whomever you want to about your assault. Perpetrators sometimes threaten future violence if you talk about it. But the only way they can be stopped is if you do talk about it.
  4. “Seek help from a trained clinician who works with trauma and is certified in treating the aspects that come along with the experience,” advises Tenzer. [24] A counselor specially trained in dealing with rape and sexual trauma can be an empathetic person to help you work through your emotions.
  5. It may take several months. It may take several years. Healing is not always a linear process, and there’s no one “correct” or “set” timeline for recovery. [26]
    • Over time, you will be redefining yourself, your worldview, and your relationships. Be kind to yourself and don't expect to heal overnight. But do keep in mind that healing will happen and things will get better with time.
  6. If you are unsure of what to do next, call your local crisis center for assistance. Their staff are trained to guide you through the process. They can attend meetings and appointments with you if you choose.
    • You do not have to press charges if you do not want to. Police can also warn the perpetrator to try to prevent them from doing it again, or use your case to establish a pattern of violence if the perpetrator assaults or has assaulted someone else.
    • You may be entitled to financial assistance for some of the expenses associated with missing work, going to court, getting counseling and more. Check with your local crisis center for more information. [27]
    • Many crisis centers have links to pro-bono, or free, legal aid specifically for survivors of sexual assault. At these centers, support workers may also be available to go with you to meetings with lawyers or to court.
  7. Sexual assault is not subject to a statute of limitations in certain states. This means that even if your assault occurred months or years ago, you can still report it to the police. Even if your state does have a time limit on prosecuting sexual assault cases, reporting your incident can still be empowering and help police with related assaults. [28]
    • If you choose to press charges against the perpetrator and you had received medical attention soon after the assault, there is a good chance that evidence was collected.
    • If the doctor or nurse used a “rape kit” or did a “forensic exam,” there is evidence safely stored on file that police can then examine.
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Section 4 of 5:

How to Help a Loved One Recover from Rape or Sexual Violence

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  1. When someone you love is raped or has experienced sexual violence, it’s normal to experience painful emotions yourself. You might feel angry, frustrated, and even vengeful. However, what your friend, partner, or family member needs in this moment is your support and care, which you can begin to provide with the following tips:
    • Tell your loved one that you believe and still love them. This fact may seem obvious to you, but it might not to a survivor of sexual violence. Reassure your loved one that you believe their story and the assault was not their fault. You can also reassure them that nothing they did or didn’t do makes them culpable, and that the event hasn’t changed how you see them. [29]
    • Allow your loved one to open up when they’re ready. Some survivors struggle to talk about what happened, while others may want to repeatedly rehash the event with you. In either case, let your loved one take the lead—neither pressure them to open up or urge them to stop talking about their assault. Just let them know that you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready to talk. [30]
    • Gently encourage your loved one to seek help. Advise the survivor to reach out for help, but don’t push them toward seeing a counselor if they’re not ready. They may be feeling a need to take back some control and power in their life, and making the decision to move forward on their own is one way that they can do that. [31]
    • Be empathetic about their comfort with physical intimacy. Your loved one may begin to shy away from physical touch or express discomfort with intimacy. These reactions may have their own emotional effect on you, but be careful not to withdraw from the survivor or act like they’re fragile. Instead, express your affection for them verbally, ask permission to hold or touch them and act neutrally no matter the response. [32]
    • Understand that sexual intimacy may take time. If your spouse or partner has experienced sexual violence, understand that it may take quite a bit of time before they are ready to be sexually intimate. They’ll likely have to process what happened and regain a sense of control over their life and body before feeling a want for this type of intimacy—it has nothing to do with you. [33]
    • Be patient and look after yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup—manage your own stress and mental health so that you’re better able to help your loved one. The healing process for survivors takes time, so be patient and continue to lean on your own support systems as you help your loved one recover. [34]
Section 5 of 5:

Myths & Facts About Sexual Assault and Rape

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  1. No survivor of sexual violence is ever asking to be assaulted. Perpetrators of violence are the only at-fault parties, and studies show that the clothing or alleged flirtatiousness of others have little to do with their actions. [35]
  2. Giving consent to have sex with someone in the past doesn’t give them perpetual rights to have sex with you. Being forced to have sex in any situation is still rape—regardless of whether it’s with a spouse, partner, lover, friend, or stranger. [36]
  3. Perpetrators who commit sexual violence at parties or on dates often claim the assault as a drunken mistake or mutual miscommunication. However, research shows that the majority of date rapists are repeat offenders that target individuals they perceive as vulnerable. [37]
  4. Just like “fight or flight,” freezing up is an incredibly common response in fearful and life-threatening situations. Your brain and body may go into shock and shut down, making it difficult to move, speak or think. Plus, many survivors fear for their life during the assault, so remaining still is often a form of attempted self-preservation. [38]
  5. There’s no concrete way to identify a perpetrator of rape or sexual violence. Many perpetrators appear perfectly normal and even friendly. [39]
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you heal yourself from trauma?
    Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
    Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
    Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.
    Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
    Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
    Expert Answer
    Sexual assualt and rape are very serious, traumatic events that can do severe damage emotionally, physically and cognitively. Trying to navigate these concerns on your own can be both draining and unsuccessful. The first and most important thing to do is seek help from a trained clinician who works with trauma and is certified in treating the struggles that come along with the experience. You can start the process of dealing with the guilt, shame, confusion and emotions that often follow with a person trained to help you walk through it.
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      Tips

      • Healing does not mean you forget it ever happened and that you'll never experience any sadness or anger. Healing is a personal journey where you regain involvement in your life, regain trust and a sense of security, and forgive yourself for any guilt or self-blame. [40]
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      • You will not necessarily progress through the phases in a neat orderly fashion. Every survivor's healing journey is different. Even if you experienced violence years ago, you may still be experiencing repercussions. It is never too late to seek help. Reaching out to a trusted loved one for support or seeking treatment through therapy are great first steps.
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      • Remember, it's not your fault. If you feel safe, call the police if you're a victim of sexual assault. They are there to help.
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      References

      1. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
      2. ↑ https://rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery/tips-for-after-an-attack
      3. ↑ https://time.com/25150/rape-victims-talk-about-tweeting-their-experiences-publicly/
      4. ↑ https://rainn.org/statistics/perpetrators-sexual-violence
      5. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2323517/
      6. ↑ https://rainn.org/get-information/aftermath-of-sexual-assault/receiving-medical-attention
      7. ↑ https://rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery/tips-for-after-an-attack
      8. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      9. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      1. ↑ https://ohl.rainn.org/online/resources/self-care-after-trauma.cfm
      2. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      3. ↑ https://rsvpcenter.washu.edu/rape-trauma-syndrome/
      4. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      5. ↑ https://www.justice.gov/file/982261/dl?inline=
      6. ↑ https://www.justice.gov/file/982261/dl?inline=
      7. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      8. ↑ https://ohl.rainn.org/online/resources/how-long-to-recover.cfm
      9. ↑ https://www.justice.gov/file/982261/dl?inline=
      10. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      11. ↑ https://rainn.org/articles/flashbacks
      12. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      13. ↑ https://ohl.rainn.org/online/resources/how-long-to-recover.cfm
      14. ↑ https://cloudfront.ualberta.ca/-/media/ualberta/students/university-wellness-services/sac/documents/rape-trauma-syndrome-2016.pdf
      15. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
      16. ↑ Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP. Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor. Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
      17. ↑ https://rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence
      18. ↑ https://www.rainn.org/public-policy/legal-resources/compensation-for-rape-survivors
      19. ↑ https://rainn.org/state-state-guide-statutes-limitations
      20. ↑ https://rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault
      21. ↑ https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/
      22. ↑ https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/
      23. ↑ https://sexualviolence.idas.org.uk/surviving-sexual-violence-and-abuse/how-can-i-support-someone-i-care-about-who-has-been-sexually-assaulted/
      24. ↑ https://sexualviolence.idas.org.uk/surviving-sexual-violence-and-abuse/how-can-i-support-someone-i-care-about-who-has-been-sexually-assaulted/
      25. ↑ https://rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault
      26. ↑ https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/serial-rapist-his-characteristics-and-victims-conclusion
      27. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/marital-rape
      28. ↑ https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2017-06/publications_nsvrc_key-findings_rethinking-serial-perpetration_0.pdf
      29. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37217738/
      30. ↑ https://www.files.ethz.ch/isn/110216/2009-11_AnyoneCanBeARapist.pdf
      31. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2323517/

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